Hi Altair, I'm sorry you are going through this. At least you know what you need to do to carry on your life, though I understand the pain. I experienced something similar and was actually thinking of the experience today. So weird.
Our sitchs are different- Ex and I were separated 15 montbs before he filed. There was so much time and space between us that the dust really had settled and I had done enough work on myself that there was no way he could continue to blame me on the mess, and it really could have been a blank(ish) slate to actually work on things However, he needed the D because "it was too late". At that juncture, there was no real reason to divorce, but I think working on it would have meant that he would have to take some accountability for his actions and I don't think that's an option in their MLC mind. Instead they'd rather walk away completely downhearted that this HAD to happen. And we LBSs are left scratching our heads wondering, "if they don't want the divorce and they are saddened by it, why won't they try?" They need to hold on to SOMETHING to continue to justify their actions. It's sad actually.
Enjoy those flowers... spring is coming and that is always a great time for a fresh start. Hugs!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Thank you pax_luv Our sitches similar yet not. We have been separated for 9 months but haven't lived together for 18 months due to my moving out here for a job. But during most of that time until recently there was always 'possibility of reconciliation' etc. But not really, just something he said, probably gearing himself up, who knows. But no MC, no work done just lots of time passed, rare R talk, actually with H going through various stages of depression/mlc what have you. But like you, 'it's too late'. But it is clear he still has never stopped at least some of the blame-- I mean he is all over the map, that should be obvious to any reader.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Hey Altair, just stopping by to catch up and thank you for stopping by my thread.
It's interesting to me that although H is aware he is depressed that he would start dating again. No wonder it threw him when you said you would work on yourself before dating. Does he really believe that he has no work to do, that he can just start 'fresh' and jump into the next relationship? I suspect he will go from one relationship to another pretty quickly because as job says he is still not done.
I also hate when I read on her that the WAS has suggested that the LBS starts dating. Why do they think we need their permission to date!
I am so sorry that it has happened like this Altair with him moving so far away and to say he needs to start pulling away from you is even stranger especially has you have hardly seen him over the last few months. Does he feel that he is starting to get close to you again?
I think you handled it all so well Altair. I know I would have been a snivelling wreck had I just had that conversation.
(((Altair)))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Sounds like the guilt is having a go at him. All the things he's doing for you, etc. Guilt has a funny way of playing out w/them and I certainly accept each and every thing he wants to do for you because he may very well flip at some point and not be so favorable in doing things once he's moved.
As for the MLCers suggesting that we date...many of them make this suggestion. Why? Because if we start dating, it alleviates their guilt of doing it. When we state that we aren't going to date, but work on ourselves, it stops them in their tracks and then they have to mull it over for a while. They can't understand why we aren't out there doing what they are doing. They want to find ways to alleviate their guilt...don't give them any help with this except for accepting their help if you need it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Coly, I guess I wasn't a sniveling wreck because I remember this guy complaining to be about how horrible dating was many years ago! And evenings with our single friends complaining about the scene, we'd come home and he'd be like, oh my gosh I am so glad I am not single.
Here's a small pattern I think I am seeing: I have been (I think) as per DB coach, friendly, the girl he first dated. No R talk or if I slip I get out of there fast. So, over the past 9 months, the reasons for our break up keep changing. I think subconsciously he is trying to get a rise out of me so then he can say, see, there you go you haven't changed nothing has changed. I don't think he has thought any of this through.
I pity the girl who dates him next! He'll keep on with his emotional distancing- it'll be something like i can't get too close to you because i am not over my XW yet.
Once he's moved, Job, I think lots could change. He will be in a small town and knows no one there-- a first for him. As for me, I guess I'm surprised how much I miss him even though history has been re-written many times and I am an LBS through and through.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Altair - I pretty much heard all of the same stuff from my h. I also watched him go into this sort of zombie autopilot mode. He just started doing stuff that he said he had to do. I was reminded of this by your h saying "now I have to distance myself from you before I leave."
Clearly he is quite confused. And he's feeling very guilty, too. My h went through something similar. I think I "won" the MBR because of his guilt. And later on, from what I have witnessed, they get more selfish and very entitled. They start to say "this is MY time, what about ME?" My h tried to guilt me into giving him back the MBR. But he also did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. It was mind boggling to witness.
And yes, I pity anyone who becomes involved with a MLCer. It is a weak relationship for both parties which is why they're attracted to each other in the first place.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho, Yes, tons of guilt for sure. I guess in DBing (although its not really extensively in the books I think?) The stronger you are and don't buy into what they are selling, they seem to keep trying to figure out a way to justify it all. We don't see each other two much, although lately every week and a half or so, but when we do, it's instant connection. Laughing, talking, news, updates, hours pass in a second. But then he panics and has to say something to push me away or make sure that I know it's over. I'm just being the person a fool would leave. He should wear a warning sign for the future, however.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
They definitely want to incite us to anger so they can justify their behavior.
My h looked under rocks for problems. Top complaint: I broke the yolks to his sunny side up eggs! (This was all leading up to BD when I just couldn't make him happy.)
But after BD, after I shrunk one of his sweaters, he once looked at me with icy cold shark eyes and said: "I am DONE with you!" He said it in this seething way. Then it was all so bizarre. Now, I giggle over it. It's co clear he wanted to fight. He wanted a reason to feel good about all that he was doing/wanted to do.
And he also told me to go out and meet other men! (I told him I was too busy raising my kids and boy did he look bummed.). I know that if I behaved badly then he could feel good about behaving badly.
When we remain centered and strong, from what I have seen, I do think it can cause them to question what's wrong with themselves.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Well, things on my end never got to where you are (letters, trees, texts, etc), but there are similarities in the justifications of their behavior. I have never seen a look on his face like that when I shrugged and said no, I'm not ready to date now. He fully expected tears and "but i only want youuu!!!" at least I think that's what happened. And, well, you two have kids which changes a lot.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Altair my friend - not much to add beyond a reminder that stars Shine because of what burns within them. You are able to be complete without outside fuel. Perhaps you will attract another heavenly body to orbit around you, maybe even re-capturing a lost satellite or you and another star will orbit around each other but you will each need to have your one Shine.
And anyone who hasn't followed your thread for a while is now completely lost <smile>
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
