There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So, now everything is signed, sealed, and delivered. The ex got the divorce she wanted. I came out very well money/asset/custody wise.
Regardless of the outcome, the marriage was irretrievably broken and beyond repair. I know that. I also knew I was fighting a losing battle, yet I did anyway. Why? Was it because I was holding on to the memory of what was or of what she was? Quite possibly yes. I know that, now. I know she isn't coming back, period. The new question is how do I move forward and make the best life for the kids?
People have suggested that I get a smaller house, one that's much more affordable. I'm hesitant on that because it is the kids' home - their safety net - their source of stability in this mad, mad time. Sure, money will be tighter and I'll have to go without frivolous things for myself - but, this isn't about me...its about them. So what if I don't buy a new model or book or game for me or take a trip for myself or some other luxury? I can make do.
One of the most important things that I learned turned out to be the hardest lesson of all. It took many hammers and some very uncomfortable times to realize that no matter what I did, the marriage was done. There was no fixing. She didn't alight on my open hand. Nothing. My road had room, but she chose not to travel it. Guess what? I'm strong enough to travel it myself. And I feel good about it.
Another lesson concerns her affair. I thought, like many on here, that her affair would taper off and she'd come back if I just played along. Nope. The OM isn't to blame. The ex is...period. Affairs don't just happen. The ex wasn't tricked into it. She knew. Affairs take forethought and planning. Excuses are excuses, and none can justify an affair. Long before, the marriage is done, otherwise the affair wouldn't have happened. It took a virtual hammer for me to learn that lesson. I looked at myself instead of placing the blame where it really should have been all along.
I also learned that there will be little hiccups along the way from here on out. I'm in control of how it affects me, no one else is. And I choose to not let it control me. Sure, I do miss my wife...well, the wife that was. And, yes, I do miss what we had - and feel pain of the loss of what should have been. It won't come back, but I can have good memories. The trick is compartmentalizing things.
So what now? Do what I can. I like who I am now. Am I where I want to be? Not yet, but I'm getting there.
Was it all worth it? No.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Your new thread should be started with an HQ moment. The perfect HQ song is "Technicolor Dreams" by the Bee Gees.
I think you are correct, sir. Harley Quinn called last night. Very good conversation.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I'm with you all the way bro. Particularly what you said about keeping the house.
Thank you. It's all about them.
Oh, I just went back and read those lyrics. How fitting.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
In all of the books I have read that have helped me in this journey, I read one by a guy--a regular guy, no one famous--who wrote a memoir about his divorce experience (happily married with no kids, wife cheated on him, tried but couldn't put things back together). It was really helpful for me to walk along his path and see that he made it out the other side alive. I think he self published it as an ebook on Amazon. You are such a good writer and thoughtful about what you've experienced. I'd totally buy your book!
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
In all of the books I have read that have helped me in this journey, I read one by a guy--a regular guy, no one famous--who wrote a memoir about his divorce experience (happily married with no kids, wife cheated on him, tried but couldn't put things back together). It was really helpful for me to walk along his path and see that he made it out the other side alive. I think he self published it as an ebook on Amazon. You are such a good writer and thoughtful about what you've experienced. I'd totally buy your book!
Gordie, my friend, how are you?
Thank you for the kind words. Not so sure I agree with my writing ability. However, I have been working on a little something that isn't related to this in any form...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thanks for the lesson learned. We definitely have a lot of similarities in our situations. Give me ~12 months and we'll see if we have the same outcomes.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Thanks for the lesson learned. We definitely have a lot of similarities in our situations. Give me ~12 months and we'll see if we have the same outcomes.
Kevin, my friend, I hope that wherever you end up you are at peace with yourself. This is just plain sucktastic, you know? We do what we can. I'd much rather not be divorced, but the choice wasn't mine to make. You are doing well, my friend, and will regardless of where your road leads you.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thank you for the kind words. Not so sure I agree with my writing ability. However, I have been working on a little something that isn't related to this in any form...
I am doing better, thanks for asking...getting my s*** together, facing my demons, working on getting to that place where I will be mentally/emotionally/spiritually okay whether I D or not. And guess what? It's improved the situation with the W. Outcome is still highly uncertain, but the situation is better.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
That's what its all about, my friend. You first and everything falls where it should be.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
And guess what? It's improved the situation with the W
Gordie,
You'll find that applies to so much more than just your ex. Good on ya!
Oh, and see the note I put for you in the swan thread.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
And guess what? It's improved the situation with the W. Outcome is still highly uncertain, but the situation is better.
That's great to hear, Gordie. You're doing a fantastic job.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
It was a pretty good weekend. The weather wasn't exactly great yesterday so the kids and I went to see a movie. I love it when they climb into my lap even though they have their own seats. Saturday was yardwork and an ice cream cone treat at the local DQ. Great weekend.
A positive note for me - mentally/emotionally - was that my son was asking a lot of questions that took me down memory lane. Can't exactly tell him to stop asking questions...but, I found that memory lane didn't cause me to slide back down. It was actually pleasant.
I find myself not wanting to talk with the ex anymore. I just don't want to...or feel the need to anymore. Maybe I've crossed that bridge.
And there are some personal things that are looking on the up. Seems that Jeep is sought after...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
0900 today. The time the final decree is signed in front of the judge. Done and done.
Eff this.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Haha. I don't know, friend. I'm unexpectedly OK now. Now drama or sadness. It's just...empty.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Just reading back on your last few post. Glad to see that you are in a good place. Not a whole lot to add. Upward and onward!!
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thank you, sir. I'm getting there. I can actually look and see the sun shining, and to me that's a good thing.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So, its been a week now since the judge signed the papers and am officially divorced in this great state.
How do I feel? Actually great. And somewhat relieved. The only things now on my mind are my children. There is no sadness over the marriage. Sure, it was 10 years. At least we made it that far.
But now, I can look back without sadness. I don't know why I feel like a weight has been lifted. But now, another has replaced it. Guess it never ends, eh?
But the ex? Well, I'm done. The ex is just that, an ex. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not angry/hateful/hurt/crying/etc. It is what it is. I fear for my kids. I don't miss my ex anymore. Sure, part of me will always love her - some buried part, that is. But, its done and I'm ok.
Now, there are some issues concerning her/her family and the alienation of the children, for starters. I'd like for it to be amicable, but its not looking that way. I tried.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Good luck moving forward and handling family issues with the kids. It can be a tough thing to navigate as I've witnessed my SIL and her Ex manipulate, alienate and all of the above.
Be well.
Trying
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
I really feel for you. I really do. About a week or so I went to the beginning of your stitch and read it all. I hope that doesn't sound creepy. You have had a roller coaster for sure. There is no denying it and to say otherwise is foolish. You're exposing your soul around here more than most and from that you are imparting a lot of wisdom(IMO). You're not sugarcoating anything. Good for you.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Now, there are some issues concerning her/her family and the alienation of the children, for starters. I'd like for it to be amicable, but its not looking that way. I tried.
You're a strong dude Jeep. Guess you keep trying for the sake of the kids, but it's got to be tough bud. You've been through a lot and I'm glad that you're finding solace after signing the papers. You do sound like you're doing well and am extremely happy for you brother. Keep staying strong for the kids, I've no doubt they've got a great dad looking out for them!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Good luck moving forward and handling family issues with the kids. It can be a tough thing to navigate as I've witnessed my SIL and her Ex manipulate, alienate and all of the above.
Be well.
Trying
Hi Trying! Thanks for stopping by!
It's tough. The ex is trying to do a power play on me but she forgets that all I'd have to do is go back to court and the whole landscape would change. I don't want to do that...I only want what's best for the kids, but if it means doing that, then so be it.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I really feel for you. I really do. About a week or so I went to the beginning of your stitch and read it all. I hope that doesn't sound creepy. You have had a roller coaster for sure. There is no denying it and to say otherwise is foolish. You're exposing your soul around here more than most and from that you are imparting a lot of wisdom(IMO). You're not sugarcoating anything. Good for you.
Hi RDS! Thanks for stopping by!
It's been more than a roller coaster...I feel like it was coaster that jumped the tracks of one and landed on another, multiple times. Not a good 2+ years, my friend.
Haha on the sugarcoating...I get called out on here at times for not hand holding. And handholding is counterproductive. It is what it is, though. No need to sugar coat things.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
You're a strong dude Jeep. Guess you keep trying for the sake of the kids, but it's got to be tough bud. You've been through a lot and I'm glad that you're finding solace after signing the papers. You do sound like you're doing well and am extremely happy for you brother. Keep staying strong for the kids, I've no doubt they've got a great dad looking out for them!
Thank you, my friend! Saying that its a relief is an understatement. I feel liberated, so-to-speak. I don't know what I was so scared of, honestly.
I've come to the conclusion that the marriage never would have made it due to the situation surrounding her issues and all. That's too bad, I can honestly say. I think we could have really made. But, can't dwell on it, though. It is what it is.
Thank you for the kind words. The kids are my life and by far the most important thing in it, bar none.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Oh, if any of ya'll want to join the misfits on Tacoma world, feel free. There are roughly 20-30 now...some are in chat and some not...with more almost every day.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Now, there are some issues concerning her/her family and the alienation of the children, for starters. I'd like for it to be amicable, but its not looking that way. I tried.
^^^ This is a horrible thing to do. However, the children will know who was there for them and they could start to resent her and her family for things they say or do to you. Don't stoop to their level and do the same bro. You are better than that!
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Now, there are some issues concerning her/her family and the alienation of the children, for starters. I'd like for it to be amicable, but its not looking that way. I tried.
^^^ This is a horrible thing to do. However, the children will know who was there for them and they could start to resent her and her family for things they say or do to you. Don't stoop to their level and do the same bro. You are better than that!
Thank you, my friend!
I don't want to go down that road if I don't have to...mostly I ignore/delete/block/etc. Funny thing, the OM's now ex-wife has taken it upon herself to be my wingman in this. She's flying topcover and has said on more than one occasion that she will respond to any online stuff she sees. Crazy world.
I am trying to walk the high road, but when it doesn't stop there will be a point where enough is enough...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Oh, if any of ya'll want to join the misfits on Tacoma world, feel free. There are roughly 20-30 now...some are in chat and some not...with more almost every day.
I'm scared to ask about Tacoma world, but with trying to GAL I might as well. What is up with TW?
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
I am trying to walk the high road, but when it doesn't stop there will be a point where enough is enough...
Totally agree my friend! We all have our breaking point, but just be careful around the kids. They will grow to love you more for taking the high road. Your kids know who takes care of them right now so you don't want to jeopardize that relationship just to get back at her. She will loose their respect by trying to make you out as the bad guy. Hang in there brother!
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
I'm scared to ask about Tacoma world, but with trying to GAL I might as well. What is up with TW?
Tacoma World is actually a forum for said trucks. However, we now have a big DB - but not really DB, because anything and everything goes - group. There are roughly 20 - 30 ones from here that have made the leap, and added a few more today. We are just a big collection of misfits. You are more than welcome.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Totally agree my friend! We all have our breaking point, but just be careful around the kids. They will grow to love you more for taking the high road. Your kids know who takes care of them right now so you don't want to jeopardize that relationship just to get back at her. She will loose their respect by trying to make you out as the bad guy. Hang in there brother!
I'm trying, my friend. It's tough to sit back and take it, though. I just keep the kids in mind. That's all I can do.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
What were your fears about D pre D? How did you face those fears? Post D, which fears were real or was it all just fear of the unknown?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Tacoma World is actually a forum for said trucks. However, we now have a big DB - but not really DB, because anything and everything goes - group. There are roughly 20 - 30 ones from here that have made the leap, and added a few more today. We are just a big collection of misfits. You are more than welcome.
I'm a 4Runner guy, but my S10 is obsessed with Tacoma's. It's his dream to have an Orange TRD. Every time he sees a Tacoma on the road he says "Good choice". The plan is for him to get my 4Runner when he's old enough to drive, but he's already scheming about trading it in for a Tacoma.
Let me know about how to join up on TW. Interested.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
What were your fears about D pre D? How did you face those fears? Post D, which fears were real or was it all just fear of the unknown?
It wasn't so much about the divorce itself, although that was part of it, my fears centered around losing my best friend and all that went along with it...and concerning my children and the toxic environment known as her family. The unknown isn't what bothered me.
As I've said before, she was my best friend. However, her actions and all have made the post-divorce transition very smooth. I don't care any more. I'm not sure why that bothers me a little, but I honestly don't care anymore. I don't know how I got to this point of zero f**ks given, but I don't...and that does bother a little. 10 years gone.
My fears only center around my kids and nothing else.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Tacoma World is actually a forum for said trucks. However, we now have a big DB - but not really DB, because anything and everything goes - group. There are roughly 20 - 30 ones from here that have made the leap, and added a few more today. We are just a big collection of misfits. You are more than welcome.
I'm a 4Runner guy, but my S10 is obsessed with Tacoma's. It's his dream to have an Orange TRD. Every time he sees a Tacoma on the road he says "Good choice". The plan is for him to get my 4Runner when he's old enough to drive, but he's already scheming about trading it in for a Tacoma.
Let me know about how to join up on TW. Interested.
Go to TW and look up Spaceman Spiff. That's me. Send me a message on there and we will go from there...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I have a couple of the DB books if anybody wants them...just pay shipping and they are yours.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
As I've said before, she was my best friend. However, her actions and all have made the post-divorce transition very smooth. I don't care any more. I'm not sure why that bothers me a little, but I honestly don't care anymore. I don't know how I got to this point of zero f**ks given, but I don't...and that does bother a little. 10 years gone.
I can relate to this so much brother. At first, I was sadden at loosing my best friend/soul mate but now those feelings are long gone. I can't believe that at one point I thought my life was over. I thought that I would never go on. Thought that I would never find someone like her and how could she just ignore the past 16 years.... Now, with her everyday actions, I have no more love left for the woman she became. It doesn't bother me that I don't care anymore cause she sure in the h*** doesn't care.
I am grateful though that I found this site so that my next relationship I will get things right. However, I literally just told the ex (2 days ago) that no matter what my shortcomings were that I still didn't deserve being cheated on and neither do the rest of us.
How are the kids handling it being 2 weeks now post D? Is your ex still heading down the path of Alienating them against you? I know its hard not to fight back, but hang in there brother!
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
At first, I was sadden at loosing my best friend/soul mate but now those feelings are long gone. I can't believe that at one point I thought my life was over. I thought that I would never go on. Thought that I would never find someone like her and how could she just ignore the past 16 years.... Now, with her everyday actions, I have no more love left for the woman she became. It doesn't bother me that I don't care anymore cause she sure in the h*** doesn't care.
Isn't that the truth. I do find it odd that I am more than OK now. 10 years for us...down the drain. It is what it is and I'm ok with that.
Funny thing, after reading thread after thread on here about people trying to hang on to someone that doesn't give a d**n about them. I mean, there has to come a hammer sometime, you know? I was saddened at the loss of what we had, but not for her after her actions. That bridge burned a long time ago.
Quote:
I am grateful though that I found this site so that my next relationship I will get things right. However, I literally just told the ex (2 days ago) that no matter what my shortcomings were that I still didn't deserve being cheated on and neither do the rest of us.
Me, too, my fiend. Me too. Good on ya for telling her that!!
Quote:
How are the kids handling it being 2 weeks now post D? Is your ex still heading down the path of Alienating them against you? I know its hard not to fight back, but hang in there brother!
The kids are showing cracks but seem to be doing well. They don't talk about their time at their mom's like they used to, which leads me to think something is amiss. I try not to ask questions as everybody tells me (on here) that kids will see through that crap, but who knows. They should not have to be put in that situation. That is where my anger lies now. I've held my tongue very well and haven't fought back...yet.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So, today I've been in a reminiscing mood - thinking about the trips we all used to take and all. And I found myself visiting the websites surrounding the old vacation places - places that we went to many, many times and love it. In particular, my favorite of all. I find that I can do this and not have anything other than pleasant memories. We had some great, great times. I do find myself a little saddened at not being able to do those things again due to my new-found financial situation resulting from the divorce.
I've come to realize that I've made it out of the woods. Now, I just have to deal with the trust that was destroyed by the ex. I've been told that I can't leave my walls up and that I need to let people in. Maybe so. I can honestly say that I have zero interest in getting married again. Will I date again? Absolutely - whether it be just for fun or serious, or whatever. Sure. But no marriage. Since I have my children all but two nights a month, I don't have the time nor the inclination to bring someone around them. Kids shouldn't be introduced to new dates. At all.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
A Zombie Apocalypse? Haha, maybe so, sir. Splitting some heads would make a great stress reliever...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Splitting some heads would make a great stress reliever...
Oh yeah! I abhor violence, but I keep a tire iron in the car just in case. I'd love to split some heads with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost and then grab a pint at the pub.
I'd love to split some heads with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost and then grab a pint at the pub.
Refresh my memory on who they are... I'd go for Maggie or Rosita, myself...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep, they starred in the movie, "Shaun of the Dead". Pretty good.
Also glad to hear you are hanging in there. Again, your kids will see past that BS so keep doing what you are doing and I TOTALLY agree with your views on getting M again. 100% bro, fk that lol!
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Simon and Nick are the two blokes mucking about in "Shaun of the Dead." You know, a couple of losers that come of age while the world is collapsing around them.
Oh yeah, its been a while since I've seen it. That is one crazy cat.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Also glad to hear you are hanging in there. Again, your kids will see past that BS so keep doing what you are doing and I TOTALLY agree with your views on getting M again. 100% bro, fk that lol!
Thank you, my friend! I really hope they will see past all of the ex's and her family's BS...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Someone screwed up really bad but that doesn't mean you should throw it all away because of that screw up
An affair isn't a screw up.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Part of the reason I have not confronted her yet was I didn't want the last few months as the image she thinks about when I confront her. I probably wouldn't have mattered to her at that point. I wanted a more positive image in her head so it may give her something more to think about. I was planning on confronting her but not until I finished working on myself physically, menatally and emotionally. I hope that makes sense.
Once again, you are missing the point. The image you "present" to her is nothing but in your head. You have this fantasy that looking/acting/doing things in a certain way will make her all of a sudden realize that she is a POS. Not going to happen, my friend.
SMH at this advice...
Jeep, I know you have been through the ringer. (And I know You are a class A dad, too).
But in effect, you are telling PEW that his wife is a POS - and she won't realize it...I mean, that is how I read this^^.
Plus, are we all reading the same thread here?
PEW admits and describes some of his issues to own which are not small, (no offense PEW). And he is working on them and That's who he controls.
He's not a blameless h who thought he had a great m with a woman who was always deceitful "pretending all was well" when in fact she was lying and....etc etc
(For the love of God - please folks, please don't say again, how there's never any excuse for an A and how it's always wrong, ---I get it!)
But THIS ^^A did not happen in a great solid M, and there is CONTEXT, and yes, that matters.
If context did not matter, then all marriages with an unfaithful partner would end in divorce, which is simply not true.
And there'd be a lot less of a reason for this site.
pretending that it's all about her fault and the only thing he can do now is be glad to be rid of her is Not What THIS site is about.
And even if she were some evil shrew and PEW had been a perfect h - we should not be forcing our opinions of his w, on him anyway.
The biggest question you need to be asking yourself is why do you even want her back? I respectfully, totally disagree with^^ this statement. That is not "the biggest question", by a long shot - and if & when it ever is a question, it'll be down the road.
As LiM said, what she has done is the BIGGEST and most disrespectful thing that she can do to you - period.
Get a hammer and hit it^^ again and again b/c THAT^^ is so helpful to a man who comes here - knowing he has a lot of personal work that takes guts and bravery.
Keep telling him what a victim he is, of a POS wife....
I feel like there is so much amnesia about what Div Busting stands for
it's as if we are on a different site and read different books. PEW This is why I recommend a DB coach, or you'll have vastly different opinions.
There is no way to spin it to be any more positive, because quite frankly there isn't and shouldn't be. This may sound harsh, but both the marriage and you are nothing in her eyes - if that wasn't true, then why would she be screwing someone else? It is what it is, my friend.
Wow...seriously?
Geez, guys, there's just way, way too much projection going on here. I don't think we can tell someone what their spouse is feeling. (See the DB books)
Jeep, do you give the same advice to everyone with an unfaithful spouse, regardless of circumstance? Cuz I kinda think so. Sorry.
For ME, that^ reduces all situations to one event, with literally the same response advised for all. That is reductionist thinking with no analysis. Why not just share your own personal experience?
Finally, lest we forget, PEW is here trying to save his marriage and to become the best PEW he can become.
Bashing his w, in the harshest of terms imo, does nothing to help his m
and it makes all affairs exactly the same "WORST THING EVER" (b/c it was the worst thing ever, for you. I hear your pain and anger in every response & I feel for you, but still...)
I feel strongly that condemnation & self righteousness -has literally zero chance of helping his m. Which is why PEW is here.
If all you want to do is pump this man's ego up to stand up to his w, then compliment HIS personal work, don't tear his w down. She's the mother of his children and she did not have this A out of the blue.
For PEW to realize his shortcomings before he knew of the affair - sounds like a guy who crossed the line (again), and realized it & is taking steps to improve.
Let's support those^^ efforts.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/21/1708:29 AM. Reason: fix quote
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Geez, guys, there's just way, way too much projection going on here. I don't think we can tell someone what their spouse is feeling. (See the DB books
Please. If the marriage and/or the husband meant anything, she wouldn't be screwing someone else. Period.
Why is it just the DB books and no other???? Interesting...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Bashing his w, in the harshest of terms imo, does nothing to help his m
A leopard never changes its spots. Help is marriage? Seriously?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Bashing his w, in the harshest of terms imo, does nothing to help his m
A leopard never changes its spots. Help is marriage? Seriously?
Doesn't that go conflict with advising people to focus on themselves and work to improve themselves? That's considered change, right? Or is that a different kind of leopard?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Bashing his w, in the harshest of terms imo, does nothing to help his m
A leopard never changes its spots. Help is marriage? Seriously?
If a leopard never changes its spots, then why are we here? It's a fundamental principle of DBing in that WE are changing, right?
Repeating that a leopard never changes its spots is like saying no one can grow.
Or no alcoholic ever recovers.
My question was How does bashing his wife help?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Why is it just the DB books and no other???? Interesting...
Maybe because this website is called divorcebusting and that is what pays the bills.
this^^^
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Geez, guys, there's just way, way too much projection going on here. I don't think we can tell someone what their spouse is feeling. (See the DB books
Please. If the marriage and/or the husband meant anything, she wouldn't be screwing someone else. Period.
Why is it just the DB books and no other???? Interesting...
Statistics and experts show that most marriages CAN recover from an A. If its a deal killer for you, then that's fine. But its also fine if you want to stick it out and fight for what you believe in. That's the purpose of DB; fighting for our M when you are the only party currently interested in saving it.
People CAN and DO change. With DB, change is not only required of the WS but also of the LBS. I would NOT still be in my M if I had also not changed. Saving the M required not only my WW to change but also for me to change.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
If you say so. The bottom line is I've always talked of becoming the best person one can be. Seems that if this was such a place of help, then any means and avenue at our disposal could be discussed without fear of repercussion. If the true nature of the site is it help, then why aren't all methods discussed?
Now, don't put words in my mouth about helping others. I've said that all along. But, also, lets not hold hands and coddle someone who lacks the spine to do what should be done.
Telling people that an affair is a mistake is wrong, period. Affairs, just like the decision to divorce, don't happen overnight. And, if the cheater had an ounce of caring for the marriage, they wouldn't do it. This living in fantasy worlds and unicorns - spreading false hope - is far more destructive than a brutal truth.
At what price to one's soul/mind/ego/confidence is it worth it to lack spine enough to stand up? If a person can accept the utter and total disrespect that an affair entails, then is it purely for selfish reasons or is it real world? Stand up or get walked over. What price?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
