No, I don't get that point about reactivity. She was being obnoxious, so I left. I don't have to listen to that, so, to me, that was a boundary being set. I didn't say anything.
I don't have any other levers, do I? If she wants something, I don't do it. Surely that's DB in practice?
I think my problem is that I don't see manipulation from reconnection. Take Saturday where she wanted me to come over. I saw that as an example of maybe trying to reconnect, but it was probably self pity and manipulation. So, why did she make an effort? Do see the struggle here? When, or how, can you differentiate between somebody reaching out, or, somebody pulling to see the reconnection?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
In all of the turn around stories here there are two common points that answer you question about knowing it is a chance to reconnect: 1. The lbs stopped looking for the signs. Don't watch her. Assume she does not want to reconnect YET. That last word is critical. Don't rule reconnection from ever happening.The flip side of this is you need to not want to connect YET either. Fake that until it happens. 2. The WAS leaves no doubt about their turnabout. It is consistent and obvious. The LBS cannot miss it. So again no reason to worry about missing a sign.
Huddy, I remember when you first came here. You have changed, and grown. I get the feeling you are not attuned to your own expectations.I believe you have some and your frustration is mostly to do with unfulfilled expectations than inappropriate behaviour.
You are right to not tolerate someone miss talking to you. But your wordings suggest it is deeper than that. She has had you fuming a few times recently.I will rephrase that. You have let her annoy/anger you a few times recently. Angry fuming cannot occur if detached. I urge you to delve deep into your thinking and check if your expectations are in line with being separated. It is not easy to peel back the layers but it can help.
I understand the two year mark is a landmark and may be weighing more on you than it should. Again ask yourself why that is.
But my ibiggest question is the one I asked earlier, what are you going to do differently. This needs to be based on YOU and not revolve around W.
I hope that helps. I'll raise a whisky to you at the weekend
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Roist has it spot on. Stop looking over your shoulder to see what she's doing. Just live your life.
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I think my problem is that I don't see manipulation from reconnection. Take Saturday where she wanted me to come over. I saw that as an example of maybe trying to reconnect, but it was probably self pity and manipulation.
Why read so much into it? It could have been neither manipulation nor self pity and it clearly wasn't about re connection. You're still clinging onto that rope mate. We can all see it.
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So, why did she make an effort? Do see the struggle here? When, or how, can you differentiate between somebody reaching out, or, somebody pulling to see the reconnection?
Perhaps just to feel better? Just because she want's to look and feel nice has nothing to do with you nor your impression of her. People just like to look nice. Nothing complicated in that.
The point is that there isn't a struggle to wrestle with here. If she wanted to re connect you would have zero doubt in your mind because she would most definitely let you know what she was thinking. While that doubt remains assume re connection is off the cards and apply the good advice you are getting here. Detach, drop the rope, get on with your life.
Peace
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
As a 'reader', I have read mountains of stuff on this. NDY - you have sent me some great links and videos, but I've also read on here and elsewhere. I just can't get when being in charge of my DB'ing begins to make me look like some kind of unlikeable hardass?
I've read that some MLC'ers look to see if it is safe before they try full reconnection, by pulling the rope in a different way. I don't see the best way of performing that trick. Sadly NDY, I do worry that I will miss a sign as W is incredibly stubborn and will be incredibly subtle.
Anyway, for now, I'm back to full NC (she called yesterday and I passed it to my D to answer and went to the bath with my S) and that's how I'll leave it for now.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy, I think the main issue here may be that you are seeing DBing purely as a strategy to save your marriage. Of course we all want/wanted to do that - it's why we came here after all. But it is also about saving yourself and holding on so tightly to your situation - looking for signs and jumping at the first sign of positivity aren't putting yourself first. And same for all of our - ultimately our spouse may want out or they may want back in.
So, when I talk about DBing, first and foremost I'm talking about what you are doing independently of your W - because building up your own life helps bring the detachment which is so central to DBing.
As to whether your W is looking to see if it is 'safe' or whatever...I think the answer here is not to make incidences important, but look for trends.
Take Irish's XW for example. If she contacts him a couple of times and says she misses what they had, that may not mean she wants to reconnect. But maybe she was feeling sad at that moment. Maybe she woke up the next day glad to be single and so on - because people tend to cycle.
And that's why it's so important to detach, because then we can take the ups and the downs and when the downs come, we have other stuff going on and we can leave our spouse too it, without falling out with them, being unpleasant or being a hardass.
I think your worry about 'missing' signs from her, may be a sign of fear - I'm not okay alone, not okay if this doesn't work out. Maybe this is something to think about. Let's also have a think about your needs here - she bailed on the marriage - but if she gave a subtle sign she wanted back in you would jump at that? For me, if someone has run in that way, they need to put in a lot of effort to try and turn things around.
Hope this helps anyway Huddy and have a lovely weekend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hk Mate, i think Sotto , Ndy and Roist have all pjt it better than i can but i feel that its worth repeating. My big fear was EXW would want to come back but shes too stubborn. I tried NC but looked at my pbone often and missed hearing from her. I have not seen or spoken to her since xmas eve and limited texts but last sunday i got a text from her , saying she doesnt know how to fix this and ahe misses her family and home and has nothing in her life and shes sorry how ' this " had gone.
I read the text and continued with my day, i could have read this or that into the text but i have no idea of her thinking so why let it effect me.
Your asking that if your W sends subtle signs that shes reconsidering you might miss them. You wont and as an outsider reading your posts , your EXW is still deep in MLC. Consider that sbe may never recover to who she was but stays as she ow is , you deserve better. Im not saying give up hope but you need to accept that rigbt now and maybe for years to come shes not coming back. Move forward with your life , not in anyway other than whats best for Hiddy and hos kids REGARDLESS of how that effects EXW.
Again , these are my thoughts because , like many others , ive felt your pain , anger, exasperation, etc and i only truly found some peace when i let go and did things for me and mine and how that affected EXW is irrelevant.
Take care mate , this isnt easy and your kids are very lucky to have a dad like you.
Firstly thanks for the extremely kind words about being a great dad etc. Well, sometimes they drive me mad, but I wouldn't change them for anything! They are my world right now. I would be lying to say I don't miss them when they're not here.
As always, more great reading material. You're probably (actually) right about detachment. I think I would have difficulty ignoring a text about feeling sad and missing me etc. I don't know how I could ignore that.
Yes, the exasperation of this sometimes gets me hideously annoyed, especially when she has no need to say anything nasty to me, but just picks something out of thin air - Wednesday being an example.
I have an opportunity to pull away again after this weekend. The kids go back on Sunday and we're back to the normal visiting routine. Due to my S's disability, he receives 'rewards' from a Government backed scheme which helps with things like clothing, bedding and holidays. In a bizarre twist, this is still allocated to W, but at my address, and their system won't recognise two addresses. Last years 'reward' was a holiday voucher and W used the voucher last summer to book a caravan in the first week of the April holidays. As anybody who has holidayed in a caravan will attest, April, warm weather and caravan don't normally go together in the UK?
My friend (best man actually) is coming up on the Friday before they leave on the Saturday and I have arranged a drink with RD on the Saturday (if that's still on bud?) that they return. If W asks I intend to just say that I have plans and leave it at that.
Still more to work on, but thanks as always in these trying times!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hey dude. Nobody is calling you a 'hardass'. Far from it. From where I'm sitting I see it like this. When you walked off in a huff. You know what? That's what married couples do. Goodness knows how many times my ExW and I did just that. That IMO not detached. Like you I've read WAAAYYYYY to much on this subject which is a shame. We shouldn't have to be putting up with this but we are. From what I understand IF there is going to be a turnaround from her this usually only happens once the lbs has finally let go.
I understand how frustrated you must feel. And I get the 'stubbornness' and the worry that you might miss something. But that's the point. The fact that you do worry about it means you can't get to the part where you have fully let go.
This is a hard place to get to. And if I'm really honest I don't know if I'm fully there yet. But I'm heading in that general direction and it does get easier.
Things to think about.
Peace
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I probably have read too much, but research is in my DNA. You won't believe how much useless information I know
I agree that I am not detached, as such, yet. Maybe because there are so many things to keep us connected (kids etc.), but you know that as well as me. Still more work to do!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
