Just a way for him to ease his guilt. Oftentimes they feel that if we become friends with them, then we are accepting of the situation...and all that comes with it.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Just a way for him to ease his guilt. Oftentimes they feel that if we become friends with them, then we are accepting of the situation...and all that comes with it.
I think you are right. And will remember it. Nothing bothers me more then pretensions.
Hah. I remember when I took him to court back in 2015 his mom came and while we were waiting she kept talking to me about her sisters thanksgiving cooking. It was so weird!!! And then at son's friend party she was making conversation with me about pizza. And I'm just thinking about how ridiculous her conversation was.
It's just invalidating to the extreme.
I hate the "let's just agree to disagree" bs. It's dismissive.
And I'm not ready to be nice. Maybe when I win the lottery, I'll be able to talk about meals and pizza.
Hah. I remember when I took him to court back in 2015 his mom came and while we were waiting she kept talking to me about her sisters thanksgiving cooking. It was so weird!!! And then at son's friend party she was making conversation with me about pizza. And I'm just thinking about how ridiculous her conversation was.
That is just odd her talking to you in court like that. Either she was trying to distract you in some form, or maybe she was hoping you'd take it easy, or maybe just trying to be nice. Who knows...it definitely wasn't the place for that.
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And I'm not ready to be nice. Maybe when I win the lottery, I'll be able to talk about meals and pizza.
I know the feeling. However, I'm not mean enough to hurt her feelings, so I'll just play along and talk nice...sometimes...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
So for those of you who have known me since posting here as julie, know that my anger for husband has been a huge issue for me. Anger, along with my sense of justice prevented me from divorce busting. I saw my husband as an enemy. Some one out to do great harm to me. An opponent in war.
Now it feels as if the dust is settling for me a bit.
Today, I was able to get my STBX to agree to something financial based on honest communication. This small validation or acquiescence meant so much to me.
I ended up feeling this immense Grief instead of anger at the upcoming divorce which is set to happen soon. It's a senseless loss. And I am really really really sad that it came to this. Him and I had history. We were in our early 20s when we met. He knew me when I was in school. He knew me and my insecurities when landing my first job. I knew his struggles with cigarettes and over eating. I saw him cry when the ultrasound showed we were having a boy. I remember how awful it was and was there to embrace him the minute I found out his dad died. We knew each other's flaws and negative personality traits. We knew and laughed about each other's families. We agreed and still see eye to eye regarding many things, especially son. So I am very very sad that we could not make it work. I am sad because my engagement ring was beautiful, unique, and filled with sentiment. (I have never been attached or liked a material possession like that ring) I am really sad that this relationship is officially coming to an end and can't be salvaged. I do not feel enthusiastic anymore at the thought of a replacement or a new relationship.
And the sadness feels worse then the anger. The anger helped because it made me ignore the loss. It helped me to think that I was better off. That there would be some one out there more deserving, or more compatible. Grief makes me realize that there is an actual loss. For both me and my son and its senseless and huge and irreplaceable.
That's why the WAyward spouses are so angry at us. Because it makes it easier. I was angry for almost 2 years. And I didnt need it to justify leaving, just to make the loss less. The spouses that leave really need to rely on that anger.
I just don't understand wanting to end a marriage. Our marriage was not filled with abuse or betrayal. It wasn't ideal, but the issues were workable. I don't know if he truly wanted to end the marriage in the beginning, or if he just wanted space and things escalated because of all the hurt. I don't even think there was infidelity. Just lack of transparency and communication and secret debt.
But here we are. The very expensive lawyers are drafting up agreements. There is a huge part of me that would want for him to at this point say lets not do this. I know that's not something he would do at this point. He would say, too much water under the bridge. I understand why the coaches told us to be friends. That friendship is the only way it would be possible to salvage the marriage. It would have been the only thing to lower that water. But I don't think true friendship was possible with our amount of anger. I Think it would have been done with the intent of manipulating him back, but at a point when I was angry because he dared to leave.
This is it, everything you wrote. It's the exact process, and the exact truth. It's easier to hold onto the anger than to have to deal with the sadness. You are truly grieving and mourning. And you are doing so in an appropriate manner. You are working through it. And you are healing.
Give it the time it needs. But you are right on the right path, as much as it stinks now.
I know what you mean. I actually enjoyed the anger because it made me feel like a warrior. But the sadness stinks beyond compare.
Fortunately, I've been able to convert my anger and sadness into art, by way of home projects, and the art is a constant reminder that I'm strong and resilient.
J, the post on my own thread talked of how I get the feelings of sadness and loss. Make time to sit with them. Don't run. But don't let them run you either. When you've heard what they have to say, make sure to steer your own ship and make time to enjoy the wonders sprinkled all around your broken life. We're all broken, so at least you have some good company.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
It's funny. Last year I think that i too had the mind set of a walkaway. I was angry and filled with resentment. I fantasized about a better life with a better man and marriage. Lawyers weren't retained, Even though I was devastated, I had hope if not for my husband, for something better and was feeling ok about myself.
Right now, I'm in a bit of a funk. Now of course, how could I not be? I'm in the midst of the legal divorce process, I'm dealing with a son with special needs. I had an injury. I'm living with my parents. Reality has set in even more then in the past. I have so much to do, but I'm having trouble doing it. Whenever I see an email from my blood sucking attorney, my heart races and I don't want to respond.
I have to start over with the things that worked for me last year. 1. GAL. I have not done this and it impacted me. Tomorrow, I am getting dressed up and going out with friends for a birthday. This will be the first time in a long time. I feel good and hopeful when I socialize. I have been back to yoga pants mode and going under the radar and keeping to myself and this is not good for self esteem.
I have to balance this with my sons needs and that is not easy.
2. Exercise. I rejoined a gym and am slowly building back up.
3. I gained 7 lbs from my injury and really want that gone. I wish I could get back to where I was at initial BD. But that was actually a bit unhealthy. I would feel super confident with a 5 to 7 lb loss though.
4. Look into 2nd job when things calm down. I need to recuperate the loss in attorney bills. When we finish with all of sons testing I will have a better idea of my schedule.
5. I have to let go of harping over how unfair it is with ex. Life isn't fair. Ex is an @&$&. But that's the way it is. Move on.
