If you've made some changes for yourself, then that's okay. Maybe you don't have any other changes to make in your life at the moment and that's okay.
As many spouses still have their MLCing spouses still living under the same roof, it is difficult dealing w/them because you are looking for them to be the same period pre bomb drop. They aren't. They revert back to teenagers and do a lot of acting out. This is where you need to dig deeper for patience and try not to mind read or "assume" what they will or will not do.
You will learn, as you walk the path, that your wife has become your roommate. She's going to go about her business and do whatever makes her happy. You will need to find your footing and this is the hardest part of living under the same roof, begin to look at her as a roommate. You will need to develop friendships outside the home and begin hobbies/interests that will not include her. I am going to suggest that you read HaWho's threads. Her h is living in the dorm room and has been there for quite a while. Another good example is ForeverYoung. He worked hard, dug deeper for patience, and it looks like they are on the road to healing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is a difficult noght. Up again in the moddle of the night. Today I have seen W has got a new card. Even when R was good, she wanted to see her own salary come to s seperate account. But her seperating the account now hurts. One thing I know. She wants to hurt me. She has been doing it for almost 3 years. I feel down and tired. It is not fair. Her MLC is. getting more challenging.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
Certainly it can wear us down. We have to try to focus elsewhere: on us, our kids, building a stable home for our kids, modeling moving forward for our kids, etc.
There is nothing you can do to stop it. There's nothing you did to cause it. It is hers to fix.
You are stronger than you know. Focus on you and your kids. Post as often as you'd like. This is a safe place to find support.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I disagree that she purposefully is trying to hurt you. You need to get that idea out of your head. All her actions are her trying to stop feeling bad and to try to be happy. That is all any of us want. Now along the way she may do stuff that does hurt you. She is so focused on feeling better that she is not considering how it affects you. You being hurt is less important to her than her feeling better.
Don't take it personally. Yes a separate account is another step away from you, but many here would advise you to separate finances to protect yourself. So this could be a good thing.
Her actions hurt you because you still have expectations that she SHOULD act differently. Expect her to continue her path away from you. Forsee what may happen. Know that this will happen as long as she follows her path. It is logical.If you wanted out, you would do the same. I say this so you don't harbor false expectations that she will not do these things. Unless she changes her mind, she will. It suckss but try to look at it as something that ye have to get through.
Each step she takes away from you, will hurt. But you can reduce that hurt. Firstly by knowing it is not personal. Secondly by knowing it is logical she will do that to follow her path. Thirdly no matter how many steps she takes away from you and no matter how big or definitive they seem, it is possible she may take those steps in the opposite direction towards you. It is possible.
Another key to reducing how much you hurt is to change your focus from it. Today do something small to treat yourself. A nice dessert after lunch. Or ring an old friend to talk about other stuff. Make plans for something fun this weekend. These will not fix your situation but is a start to helping you cope better.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I forgot to mention that sometimes they do specifically do stuff to hurt us. But again it is drivenby their desire to feel better. If we react badly it confirms their thought that we are bad/ the source of their unhappiness.It is a self fulfilling prophesy for them. And sometimes they push our buttons so we agree the M is bad and D is best. But ultimately it is just part of the game plan to get where they need to be to be happy. They are wrong in their thinking, but they feel so bad, nothing is more important than feeling better. They believe freedom from M is the path to their happiness.
So even if it is intentional it isn't personal. That is a hard concept to grasp as it is about our M, which is personal. But understanding this could really help you.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I find this incredibly frustrating. At what point do we start to consider what our life can look like if we DO DIVORCE and start to focus on making that a priority?
------ Me 45, W 50 M1 - 1994 D1 - 2000 T-8 M-2.5 No children M2 (current w)- 2003 T-14 M-14 BD1 - Jan 2016 Sept 7 2016, Piecing BD2 - Nov 2016, IWAD Jan 2017, Piecing D-12, D-10,D-10,D-10,D-9,S-8
I am so grateful for the updates. I recall from an article where it was the WW would do what they wish. I have no control. It makes me certainly unhappy.
Really really happy to get responses. Thank you so much. I have been trying to leave my sadness behind. I suppose I expected changes would solve but no formula. Continue to focus on myself and my children.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
Sorry to hijack, but I wanted to post to LALost concerning her posting.
LALost,
You should start thinking about living your life as if your spouse will not return and that should be now. If your spouse is in MLC, he/she will be "gone" for 2, 3, 5 or even longer. Start living your life as if you are single, independent and the head of your own household. Keep your expectations of your spouse at zero and know that you can rely on him/her for anything. They revert back to a very young age and act out. They need to grow up.
If you are here seeking advice because of MLC, then it's time to start considering what life may look like if your spouses doesn't return. Once the bomb is dropped, the old marriage is dead and they have a good 18-24 month head start in detaching and living like a single person even if they are still living under the same roof.
Again, sorry for the hijack.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job Thx I got it. So am I to start thinking of exploring the idea of a new w? Living celibate until my w returns if ever? Are all mlc wives the same? I've been here for about 17 months so far.
------ Me 45, W 50 M1 - 1994 D1 - 2000 T-8 M-2.5 No children M2 (current w)- 2003 T-14 M-14 BD1 - Jan 2016 Sept 7 2016, Piecing BD2 - Nov 2016, IWAD Jan 2017, Piecing D-12, D-10,D-10,D-10,D-9,S-8
