Newbie, need help with WAW! (Thread 2)

[KevinIn]

I hate that I allowed her to feel distant enough to feel the way she felt for this to happen. I hate that I allowed her to feel distant enough to feel the way she feels now. I wish we could divorce our situation together and start fresh.

Many of us are in the same situation. But, we can't hate ourselves - they are the ones who made the decisions to abandon their marriages.

[180Man]

I just spent the last two hours on the phone, first with my DB coach and then my best friend. I'll start with the latter.


I've talked to him every day throughout this process and after listening to me last night immediately after talking to my W, he thinks that perhaps she isn't exaggerating some of our problems. He agrees that I don't listen. This really hit home for me. I mean, I heard the words my wife said last night but I don't think I understood that part of it until later when I got home and wrote this post. And then I heard my DB coach say the same thing: that I missed an opportunity to validate her with the lilies, that she was telling me I don't listen and I wasn't listening! And then it all really came to a head when my friend said it as well.

I see the way my friend talks to his wife sometimes and I think...wow, don't get so frustrated with her man, I would never talk to my wife that way. And then to have the same friend open your eyes to the idea that maybe I did fùck up my marriage. Maybe I did cause the death of a thousand cuts. And to realize he's right, that my wife is right, that she has been trying to tell me things all along and I just haven't been on receive...It's an extremely painful realization.

I thought I was the most devoted and caring husband ever, and now I realize that was only in my own mind. Maybe sometimes it was true on the outside, but often times I was just telling myself that. And I was really hurting my wife.

And he pointed out that even though I tell her the words "I don't believe divorce is the answer to our problems, but if that's the path you choose I'll let you go because I love and respect you," I don't believe them because I'm too selfish to actually let her go.

I love her more than anything. And I respect her tremendously. Is it selfish to want to keep my marriage together, to see my wife come home at night and spend time with her, to cook dinner together, to wake up late on the weekends, play video games, explore our city together, and to experience life together?

But if I haven't been listening to her, maybe I don't respect her...?

My DB coach has recommended that I send her an apology letter owning up to the things that I've screwed up over the years, the things that my wife has been upset about. Owning them, apologizing, and nothing more. No excuses, no reasoning, and certainly no pleading. I asked her if this conflicted with the LRT and she said no, that not everything is so black and white and that you have to maintain some sort of communication. But she also said time is my best ally.

All of this makes me feel like shít on top of already feeling like shít. I don't even want to go to the gym. I want to drop my dog off at my mom's and drive off a cliff. But...I'm going to get up now and feed the dog...and then I'm going to force myself to go to the gym.

You know how they say in prison that all of the inmates claim to be innocent? What if...this is our little prison here and we all believe we're innocent. Except......I'm not.

[Deckard]

180,

This is great that you are realizing that you have some things to work on. Not for her, but to be a better 180.

Still, don't beat yourself up too much. You are responsible for your 50%. It wasn't 100% 180 that caused this situation.

Regardless of the outcome, you will be okay.

[LITB]

180,

I can assure you that it is not all of your fault. Own the parts that ring true and work to improve those areas.

FWIW, a lot of people have poor listening skills. Not only that, men and women communicate differently. Work on your listening skills. You can practice them in your day to day interactions with coworkers, friends and family.

Good job on going to the gym when you didn't feel like it. You must stay active to help get you through this. One step at a time.

[180Man]

Thanks for your replies last night. They were helpful. LITB -- I noticed when I refreshed the page this morning that you changed your signature. When I saw it yesterday I was kind of blown away and it gave me some hope. Regardless of what caused you to change it, I wanted to let you know that it was inspiring. I wonder in my situation if not having kids is going to make it harder for any type of future connection down the road. When I was still in contact with my MIL, she told me to ask my W for alimony for the dog. Seems petty...but on the other hand, she's at day care today since I have a long day. It definitely ain't free!

Gym last night was okay. I wasn't really feeling it and didn't push myself, but I guess it was better than driving off a cliff. W sent me an email just as I was finishing up. She thanked me for coming to coffee and listening to her. She asked if we could keep a line of communication open between us, reiterated that she wanted to keep things amicable, and said she'd like to start looking for a mediator.

I am working on a draft of an apology email right now per my DB coach's advice. Does anyone have any recommended threads or websites I should look at related to apology letters? DB coach also said I should try to write it in my W's love language -- not sure how that works with "acts of service." I haven't finished the book yet, but I'd love some suggestions on how to do this? I think at the end of the letter I will reiterate my desire to let her go if divorce really is what she wants, but also ask her for some space for the time being. I am definitely not ready to sit down and do that right now, it has only been 3 months since I found out.

[LITB]

Hey 180,

Yeah, I just felt it was time to change my signature. Really no reason.

Is the dog causing you a significant financial burden? I wouldn't suggest asking for alimony. It is petty and will not accomplish anything.

As for the apology letter, I don't have any suggestions. My DB coach had me write one too. I owned my part and more, because I felt that it was all of my fault at the time. I was dealing with the LBS fog of fear.

I did hope that the letter would be my magic bullet. It wasn't. As you read in my signature before I changed it, my timeline was 3-1/2 years from first BD to second recon. It takes time, patience and work. Honestly, it took me 13 months to fully detach and let go.

Time is your friend. Make the most of it.

[180Man]

I don't think it will be a magic bullet, but I think there may have been a small change in her attitude after the coffee meeting. I'm not completely sure. I think the apology letter may help slightly, but I have no doubts that she is completely set on what she is doing and why. It makes me very sad, but I am doing what I can do.

[LITB]

I understand completely. I was reading back through BluWave's threads. She documents her journey well. I suggest you read through it. Perhaps you will come away with a different perspective. At the very least, you might find it helpful.

[sandi2]

Have no expectations.

[25yearsmlc]

Here's the thing about the coffee meeting. She was ready to announce her intentions to divorce. I don't think there was anything you could have said to change her mind during the meeting. So, don't worry about how well or poorly you rated. FWIW, I think you handled it well. Now what you may not know, is a lingering image of you was left in her mind.

She was not spewing bitter words, nor was she blaming you like others we've seen. The account of the flowers, IMHO, came from you applying a little pressure to give you some example. (B/C you wanted to validate her feelings?! Come on, you got completely off track by pressing her, and you were opening the gate for a possible emotional land side. Luckily, it didn't get too bad). She cannot give you one particular account that she can point to and say, "That is what caused our M to fail". It is the cumulation of things over time.

A wife explains to her H how his choice of flowers cause an allergy reaction. She loves the fact he wanted to give her flowers. Maybe she loves all types of flowers, but there is one type that makes her sick. After she shares this information with her H........he continues to buy the one type that makes her sick. In frustration, she wonders if he hears what she says, or does he even care that he is giving her the type that makes her sick. Why would that be difficult for a man to get it through his head, and next time order something she can enjoy? Then at some time later, that couple is at a coffee shop and he presses her to give him an example of when she her feelings started to change. So, she offers the example about the flowers. His immediate thought was: really? this is why we're getting divorced? because I brought you the wrong type of flowers? . No, that is not he reason, 180Man!

What she said^^^...