MLC? Maybe you can tell me...

[kml]

I see some similarities with my situation, let me offer a few words.

1) Yes, he's sleeping with OW, 99 out of a hundred chance. Don't let him gaslight you. Rarely, some men may blow up their marriage over just a "crush", but they usually don't move out until they have someone waiting - and the OW doesn't usually quit her job! Get tested for STDs.

2) Think of your H like a wolf caught in a trap, chewing his leg off to get out. He felt depressed, he tried changing jobs, that didn't make him feel better, he looks around, it must be YOU making him feel bad, right? (Btw, his therapist is a terrible therapist. Unfortunately this is not uncommon.)

3)

That I deserve someone who is inspired to be a good husband and he just isn't. He's right, I'm well aware of what I deserve. I just know that guy is still in there, somewhere.

My ex had an affair when he was 40 (first MLC), we reconciled, had several good (excellent) years, then his MLC returned when he turned 50 and he left. One of the things he said when he left was that he was leaving so that I still had time to find someone else better for me. Made me furious at the time, but you know what? He was right! I DID find someone who treats me like a princess every day, much better than my ex, and dating in my mid fifties was tough enough, I'm glad he didn't wait any longer. I suspect dating in my forties would have been even better. Frankly, I didn't realize how much of my daily energy was going in to making things ok for my ex and walking on eggshells around him, until he was gone. Now in hindsight I realize that it wasn't just his depression (actually probably mild bipolar in his case) but that he also is a narcissist. It's early days for you, but resist the temptation to look at your marriage through rose colored glasses. Evaluate honestly whether he really was that great a partner. Did your friends or family have reservations about him?

4) Don't wait around on him. Live your life AS IF he's not coming back. Make your decisions for YOU. Spread your wings, try new things, meet new people. He's actually more likely to come back if he thinks he might lose you, and you're leading an interesting life that he would like to join. He's much less likely to come back if he thinks you're waiting there patiently pining for him, the ever-available Plan B. (You can always decide whether you want him back or not when/if that time arrives. Just don't put your life on hold, this may go on for a long time.)

5) If he is being generous in the separation agreement, consider converting it to a divorce now. (Unless, in your state, the separation agreement will automatically convert to a divorce with the same financial settlement details?). They are usually MOST generous in the beginning when they are still feeling guilty - after a fairly short time, when the financial realities of two households sets in, they usually become shockingly stingy. Get the best financial deal you can for you and your girls. Think of it as preserving family assets from the MLC, if he does come back later he will thank you for not letting him squander all the money. Divorce is just a piece of paper, you can always get remarried if you reconcile, but you were wise to start the ball rolling to preserve your financial rights.

6) This is not about you (and he is rewriting history, don't believe him when he says he was never in love) BUT - this is a unique opportunity to look at yourself clearly and embark on becoming the very best YOU that you can be. (True story - when my ex finally left, I took up playing the drums at 53, and have played in a pop-punk band for 6 years, AND have my first official recording credit playing vibraphone and glockenspiel on a professional songwriter friend's new album!)

7) Keep your expectations zero, stick to the high road and never bad mouth him to your kids, and remember your girls are looking to you for an example - show them how to rise above. (and yes, the oldest may blame you for not being able to keep daddy at home, don't worry, she'll understand eventually. My middle child was closest to my ex and we had that dynamic as a teen; in her twenties she now totally sees her father for who he is and is endlessly grateful to me for being the rock.)

[Bird]

I don't think you have to or should you ask her who she blames...it will all come out eventually. I'm not an expert by any means, but I simply told my kids that I didn't agree with what is going on, but that I loved them, I loved their mother, and God will get us thru this. They know we both love them, but I'm sure in their growing minds there are questions that only can be answered thru time.

SBJ - yes, you're right. I think lots of things will come out eventually. I've been doing much the same as you - I let them know that where I am upset by what's happened and I don't want it nor agree with it, that I love their Dad very much and I love them too. We will continue to pray for strength and for God to carry us along.

I'm not catholic but I think I'm going to use Lent as a time to focus on a daily meditation to strengthen my faith. It's definitely waning and I'm feeling a little jaded these days. I think I will go see The Shack when it opens this weekend.

[Bird]

kml - Thank you for your thoughtful response to my trainwreck situation. I really appreciate what you have to say.

1)No need to worry about STD's...there would have to be some physical intimacy for that to be happening and H would barely sit next to me on the couch, much less touch me. I don't get why they lie about it though. I expect that he is involved with her, but I don't even know if it matters in the end. I know that his fantasy with her won't last, mostly because I know OW. She will start (pardon my French) whoring up to whatever man she works with at her new company. She moves around every 3 years and that is her MO. She's the weed.

2) Definitely, I'm finding it easier to accept this most of the time.

3) I can definitely see where some things fell short in our marriage, but nothing that I would consider a deal-breaker. I would have liked more flowers. Ha. But seriously, we've been together since the age of 22 and he's always been a stand up guy. My family and more importantly my parents all adored him. Friends and colleagues respected him. When D12 was born, he had the nurse show him how to swaddle and change diapers while I was sleeping. He was up all night with D10 when she was colicky so that I could rest. He has always been a good provider and has lovingly taken care of his family. Up until OW, I can't think of anything he ever did that would blemish his character. Both of our families are rocked by his behavior because it's entirely out of the blue for him. Perhaps it's been brewing for a while.

4) As an introvert, I'm struggling with this but I'm making a real effort to get out there and do my thing. When I'm out with people I usually do enjoy myself, I just don't like doing it too much or my batteries get depleted. I kind of enjoy the "me" time when he has the girls, but I really only need one evening of that and then I want them back.

5)In my state, the SA is designed to flow right into the divorce decree if one of us files. Otherwise we can let it conver into divorce after 1 year. So yes, it will hold up right through the end. I can actually file anytime once the SA is in place, indicating the marriage has been irretrievably broken for 6 months, but as the custody and financials will be locked in, there's no need to rush it. However, his lawyer is still dragging his feet on the agreement, I guess to get some billable hours in. Time will tell if it will be smooth or if I'm in for a fight. I'm a better fighter than a victim anyhow.

6 & 7) THANK YOU. I will continue to do me. Right now I'm focusing my energy on packing our home, staging it to sell quickly and find something that is just right for my girls and I. I feel like once we move and the SA is in place, I can get out of limbo for a little while and start my next chapter.

[Bird]

I don't think I can edit that, but I wanted to add in #1 - in no way am I absolving him of the blame in getting involved with OW. I re-read it and it reads as though I'm shifting to her, but I'm not. He is absolutely to blame for screwing things up so royally.

[kml]

No need to worry about STD's...there would have to be some physical intimacy for that to be happening and H would barely sit next to me on the couch, much less touch me.

Unless you have NEVER had sex since the day he started working with OW - go get tested. Sometimes people find out these affairs have been going on WAAAAAAYYYYY longer than they suspected.

[Bird]

No problem - covered in Dec after urging of my OB/GYN at my annual. I might want to believe he's not doing what he's doing, but sadly, I'm not a fool either. Sigh... Luckily, all negative.

[Bird]

I received an email from MIL on Friday. She hopes I'm doing well. (???) The girls were there to visit (because H had them during their break and chose to dump them with his parents instead of taking a few days off to spend with them) and she thought they "seemed down". (???) She also hopes that I don't blame her for supporting him, because he is her son after all and she doesn't know what else to do. (???) She wants me to come down to visit and see her sister's new furniture. (???)

I didn't respond because each time I tried, I just couldn't find a way to do so civilly. Is she drinking the same cool-aid as her son? Again I will say - I don't get it.

Also, H screwed up and used his joint debit card to take his honey to the movies this weekend. The girls and I saw his car in the mall parking lot when we went to buy some clothes for our upcoming FL trip (he and I always park in the same area). I checked the bank account later and sure as anything, he went to the movies. Please H, continue to lie to my face while you use our joint checking account to pay for your dates. Un-freakin-believable.

[SBJ]

Is she drinking the same cool-aid as her son? Again I will say - I don't get it.

Simple answer...YES! Remember the whole blood is thicker than water thing. He has her believing whatever it is that he tells her.

My MIL is the same way. Right when my W's EA became public knowledge with family, then MIL was on my side saying she didn't agree with my W. Once the W started isolating people that didn't agree with her, the MIL changed her tune and did whatever the W wanted. My SIL still disagrees with her and has been excommunicated. HAHA. My FIL still disagrees, but is non-confrontational with her, so she hasn't shut him out.

Please H, continue to lie to my face while you use our joint checking account to pay for your dates. Un-freakin-believable.

Remember...believe none of what they say and only half of what they do. It is sad, but true.

[Sotto]

I guess as time has passed, I look back and would have been much more assertive about some of the 'spending' areas.

Firstly, and if I'm playing devils advocate, I would say - do you know he was taking her to the movies? However, if you are concerned about the joint account being used for social expenses, you could ask him only to use if for X and Y...

In my case, XH spent £1000's visiting OW who was transatlantic (during our separation) and helping (financially) her move away from her 'controlling' boyfriend. But I let that go in our D settlement - largely because I still hoped to save the marriage and I was pretty comfortable anyway. But I look back now and I do see the behaviour as pretty outrageous and I guess I would like to have been a bit more robust on calling it out.

But that's just me talking from where I am now I guess

Sounds as though you are pretty grounded and that's no mean feat in these circumstances....xx

[Gordie]

KarenHC, as Jeep74 says, this is just sucktastic...the MIL, the joint spending on dates...here's something to chew on, feel free to ignore, but your post has been bugging me all day, as I don't know what I'm going to say to my own FIL when he finds out. It'll be something along these lines, as he will certainly side with his daughter.

Dear MIL,

Thank you for your email. I hope that you understand that it is difficult for me to find the right words to respond to you. I'm not surprised that the girls seemed down when they visited you, as this has been a very difficult time for them, so thank you for your concern and support of them.

Yes, I understand that you are supporting your son and I hope that you can help him. While I wish it wasn't the case, my current relationship with H complicates my relationship with you. We will always be connected through the children and you are a wonderful grandmother, but I'm not sure a visit to your sisters is the right thing for me right now.

Sincerely,

KarenHC