Newbie, need help with WAW!

[Deckard]

Hi 180,

Be careful not to script this so much in your mind that you get thrown if you haven't planned a response. And you always have "I'll have to think about that." or something similar. You don't have to answer anything. And have no expectations on this meeting.

Have you ordered any of the books? Go with DR to start.

Have you talked with a lawyer? Don't fear talking to a lawyer. Knowledge is power.

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: 180Man

Ones I don't have good answers to....

Her: I think you should date other women
Me: .....Great idea.

Her: I think we should just be friends
Me: .....No thanks.

[180Man]

Haven't had a chance to really review all of your posts but this is a dumb move. Wear it or don't wear it. Don't use it to try to get a reaction out of her. This is about your personal decision and what being married and wearing a ring symbolizes to you.

Yes, you're 100% right. It means everything to me. It hurts to think about it. I backslid this afternoon a good bit after re-reading a note she left me when she came to get her things while I was gone helping her family. Mistake.

H,

Welcome back. Glad you made it back safe from xx. Thank you again for all of the love and support you showed everyone while you were there - I know they are so grateful for the help in such a tragic, hectic time.

I know this is so hard and I'm sorry. I felt like separating my stuff from yours while you weren't here to witness it happening was the best thing for both of us. I wish there was an easier way to go our own ways, but right now - this is the best I can do.

I've tried to leave the house as clean and homey as possible. I didn't like the idea of you being uncomfortable here, so I put all of the "us" things in this gray trunk for you to do with what you need or want to do. I wanted you to have the option to do this your own way - not just on my terms.

I will still answer any questions for you or do whatever you need to understand what has happened and have some closure. I know this is the best for both of us - even if it is hard to see that clearly right now.

Please continue to do the positive, healthy things you need to do to take care of yourself. I care for you very much and want to see you be happy.

Love, W

And I'm thinking this whole afternoon that it's not going to matter what the hell I do, she cares about me and thinks she's doing what's best for both of us. If I show up to this meeting and give the appearance of doing well, validating, etc, it isn't going to matter -- in fact, she said right there she wants to see me happy. So...she sees me "happy" on Monday and she can wash her hands of the whole thing.

I know, my thoughts revolve completely around her. It wasn't that way the first half of the day, I was doing okay until I read that note.

So, back to your ring feedback, my thoughts this morning when I read what you wrote were that I am trying to do my best to GAL and show up to this coffee meeting as happy as I can be. Even if that is faking it till I make it for the time being, I understand this is good for me and really the only valid approach toward my wife at this point in time. And if that's the case, then showing up in clothes that she didn't buy me is a good idea, both for me as a confidence booster and something she will notice. Same for the haircut. Same for the ring. Not to get a rise out of her, I guarantee she won't say anything about any of it, but I was thinking that presenting myself in the manner in which I wish to be perceived is the first step. That's all I was thinking.

Of course right now I'm discouraged from reading her letter. And maybe you're right. I don't know. There are times when it still blows my mind that this is happening and it seems like anything can ignite these thoughts -- seeing a kid and his dad ride bikes down the street, watching our dog curl up on her side of the bed, it doesn't take much.

But, as you guys and my best friend is likely to tell me...stop being a bitch! Suck it up, be the man she met again, not the wet [censored] blanket you've turned into. Yup, I get it. Doesn't make it any easier. But I'm trying, even if it doesn't sound like it right now. If you're going through this and happen to be reading this, I highly recommend the gym. Definitely felt better after going tonight and I've certainly felt better these past three weeks by going pretty much every day. It can sound like a daunting task, but just go.

How to end the conversation on my terms without being awkward?
Me: Ok, this has been a really good conversation. I'm going to go home and think about things. See you later. (if SHE goes in for a hug, just give her a regular friend type hug) Is "See you later" too much, should I use "Take care of yourself" instead? That seems somewhat final...

I like your response - "This conversations has been good. Thank you. Talk to you later." Just like you would say to a business colleague.

Thanks for the feedback man, I really appreciate it and it does help. I noticed from your sig that it seems you're in a similar spot, I'll be sure to swing by your thread and try to give you some of the same support you've given me!

Hi 180,

Be careful not to script this so much in your mind that you get thrown if you haven't planned a response. And you always have "I'll have to think about that." or something similar. You don't have to answer anything. And have no expectations on this meeting.

Have you ordered any of the books? Go with DR to start.

Have you talked with a lawyer? Don't fear talking to a lawyer. Knowledge is power.

Thanks Deckard. I definitely understand the potential pitfalls of scripting it like this, but it really has helped me think about the conversation and figure out what I should and shouldn't say. If I go in cold, I am likely to get thrown at most of what she says! At least with this I'll have studied what types of responses are validating and what are not. I can read the validation thread all day long, but it really helps me to see the examples in reference to my own situation. If I have to shoot from the hip on 75% of our discussion, that's better than 100%! I also overthink things so that doesn't help.

I was trying to figure out which book to start with, but now I know! Thank you!

I have read on the internet about some of the legal stuff, but I haven't talked to any lawyers. It's probably denial and fear. If you haven't noticed, I have been battling a lot of fear throughout this. It's been getting better, but still there. I will keep this advice in mind and try to get myself to do it this week. Ugh.

Her: I think you should date other women
You: I appreciate your thoughts, but the joy in my life is not your responsibility. I'm going to do what I need to do to make myself happy. My DB coach gave me this line for a similar situation.

Her: I think we should just be friends
You: I look forward to us us always being amicable.

Her: I think you should date other women
Me: .....Great idea.

Her: I think we should just be friends
Me: .....No thanks.

Thank you both for your feedback on these, that really really helped!

[180Man]

How do you guys deal with coming home to an empty house?

Or...something will happen during my day and I'll think...I want to tell my W about that, and before the thought is even finished I am interrupted with this new reality of shittiness.

I am back sliding again today. I need to stop, I need to get my head in the game before our meeting on Monday. Time for the gym again, I guess.

[brizz]

How do you guys deal with coming home to an empty house?

Or...something will happen during my day and I'll think...I want to tell my W about that, and before the thought is even finished I am interrupted with this new reality of shittiness.

I am back sliding again today. I need to stop, I need to get my head in the game before our meeting on Monday. Time for the gym again, I guess.

There's no easy way to deal with those things. I always came home to an empty house because my W would work later than me. But I start to get an uneasiness around the time she'd get home. I try to occupy myself, reading, phone conversation with a friend.

It's hard when your W is the person you want to reach out to when something happens and you can't anymore. Scrolling through the directory on my house phone, I see her name and almost hit dial all the time. It's like, oh yeah, that's who I want to talk to. Then I have to stop myself. It's a void that can't be filled and hopefully gets better over time.

[KevinIn]

Im not looking forward to this part of my future. Its going to be hard when she moves out and its her time with the kids.

[MoveFrwd]

How do you guys deal with coming home to an empty house?

Do you have a pet? Even something small might be helpful.

Also, how is your house decorated? Can you make it more of a 'man' place with some art or photos you like? What about furniture?

Also, how about smells? Is there a scent you can get for relaxation or something?

[180Man]

Do you have a pet? Even something small might be helpful.

Also, how is your house decorated? Can you make it more of a 'man' place with some art or photos you like? What about furniture?

Also, how about smells? Is there a scent you can get for relaxation or something?

Yup, we have a dog we raised from 6 weeks old. She's about 5.5 now. She's a great dog, boggles my mind that my W can just walk away from her for the rest of her life. Or either of us, for that matter, haha.

House is still pretty much decorated like it was when W and I did it together. She took down all the photos of us together, but overall it's mostly the same. The damn paint colors on the walls reminds me of her, it [censored].

I have seriously considered renting the house and moving into an RV. I don't need much...bed, computer, some place for tools, clothes....

My friends supported this idea at first, but they seem to have changed their minds recently. Also, I guess it makes me look weak by running away. She's probably not going to want to come back to a man who lives in an RV....right?

I hadn't thought about smells. I'd have to think about that. The smell of tires? The smell of exhaust on a cold morning? Probably not things that I want in the house. Maybe incense is a good idea though! Actually, I might do that, thanks for that!




I bought DR and it came in last night. Been reading it since then, it's very good so far. Glad you guys pushed me to get it. Got a great haircut today, I found a place that serves beer while you get your hair cut. That was pretty cool. Went to dinner with my buddy tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to wash the car and get my nice clothes ready for Monday. Probably do some repairs around the house. I'm not fully confident that I've got it together for Monday yet and I'm not sure if I will feel "ready" for it, but I am feeling better than yesterday. DR + Gym + Beer seems to be helping.


Is there any particular part in DR I should skip ahead to for right now in preparation for the meeting with my W on Monday? I'd like to finish it before then, but I'm not sure I'll be able to.

[180Man]

Okay, got another one...tell me what you think?

Her: I want to give you closure
Me: I appreciate you wanting to be so open and honest with me. I came here to listen, but you can't give me closure.


Am I sort of getting this? Way off?

[180Man]

Just finished church. I watched online (they stream it) so I wouldn't run into my wife in case she went. Our meeting is tomorrow, so I figured there's no reason to preempt it.

Anyways, not here to proselytize AT ALL. That's not my style by a long shot. Could care less what anyone else's religion or beliefs are unless they're causing harm. Anyways... I thought it was especially timely ahead of my meeting with my wife tomorrow for the pastor's message to be about listening. Just thought I would share for anyone stumbling across this who may be in a similar boat: Matthew 13:9: Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand.

That's it, he talked about active listening with your spouse and with God a couple of the passages after that one. I just thought it was a great message delivered right on time for me.

So anyways, still open to feedback before I meet with her tomorrow night. I know at this point I probably know everything I need to know and just need to stop over-thinking it. I'll be fine. Got clean clothes, great haircut, clean car, positive mental attitude (mostly!), and I'm going to do my best to listen, understand, validate, set boundaries for myself if certain topics come up, not confuse validation with agreement, avoid letting her know what I'm thinking, and be the one to end the conversation and leave on my own timeline. I got this shít!