My natural inclination is to show disapproval, but I know I'm meant to appear confident, polite and agreeable and engrossed in my own activities but that all feels quite false and difficult to 'act'.
Searchr,
Maybe it's just me, and maybe it's not DB, but if my wife were spending many nights with the OM, I don't think I'd be showing disapproval. I think I'd be booting her out the door. But alas, maybe there's something I don't understand.
Maybe it's just me, and maybe it's not DB, but if my wife were spending many nights with the OM, I don't think I'd be showing disapproval. I think I'd be booting her out the door. But alas, maybe there's something I don't understand.
That is my thought too. Why is WW able to go spend the night with OM and then come home and have dinner with her husband anyway? As LBS, we are often guilty of grasping for any crumbs of time and attention we can get, but all that does is increase the disrespect the WS has for us. You can't control WW's actions, but you can control your response to them. While she is acting out, she should not be getting all the rights of privileges of being your wife when she decides to come home and grace you with her presence.
Maybe it's just me, and maybe it's not DB, but if my wife were spending many nights with the OM, I don't think I'd be showing disapproval. I think I'd be booting her out the door. But alas, maybe there's something I don't understand.
I thought I would act that way too before this all happened. When it happened there was shock and lots of strong emotions but not rage or even anger (at least yet). So now I'm just trying to follow DB principles - to be clear that the affair/OM is unacceptable in our relationship and yet still remain civil, upbeat and positive and GALing.
Reverse roles with your wife. You're the adulterer and you're staying with your girlfriend several nights week and going home on the nights that you're not with your girlfriend. How would you expect your wife to behave? If she were all happy and smiley about your behavior you might believe you're getting away with it (and you'd probably wonder if she's mentally challenged).
Dang, that line of thought never occurred to me. I wish I had known back then.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Maybe it's just me, and maybe it's not DB, but if my wife were spending many nights with the OM, I don't think I'd be showing disapproval. I think I'd be booting her out the door. But alas, maybe there's something I don't understand.
I thought I would act that way too before this all happened. When it happened there was shock and lots of strong emotions but not rage or even anger (at least yet). So now I'm just trying to follow DB principles - to be clear that the affair/OM is unacceptable in our relationship and yet still remain civil, upbeat and positive and GALing.
Sounds like you may be in shock. Just because there's no anger now doesn't mean it won't come.
That said, I'd knock it off with the happy family mealtime. Starting GALing at night as well.
So now I'm just trying to follow DB principles - to be clear that the affair/OM is unacceptable in our relationship and yet still remain civil, upbeat and positive and GALing.
There is a difference between being civil versus letting WW cake eat. Why should she have any motivation to come home and be yours exclusively if she gets to have the security of home and husband, AND the rush of having an OM? And why should she respect you if you let her get away with it? I would really encourage you to draw some boundaries for your own sanity and well-being. I.e., as long as she is continuing her R with OM, no family dinners, no sleeping in the MBR, etc. etc. You don't have to fight with her or provoke drama--you simply don't engage with her (or the marriage) while she is acting out. By removing your attention from her, you use negative reinforcement to extinguish her undesirable behaviors. By letting her cake eat, you make it easier for her to continue in the affair because she is getting all her needs met between the both of you.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I read somewhere that to an extent - by choosing to DB, we sort of have to allow some cake eating.
But the smiles around a w when she's openly in an A which she admits, is odd to me.
The advice about GAL is hammered here for 2 reasons: First & foremost GAL is the only way I know of to detach. Detachment is protective and healthy b/c we cannot control the spouse. So we have to let go of the results, even when we fear or oppose them.
Perhaps the control issue you have identified, is at play here. You fear detachment b/c you assume it means losing control?? Just a thought.
The other reason we urge LBS's to GAL is b/c it makes LBS's happier, more self confident people. And a byproduct of that inner contentment is that we are more attractive to our spouses. Simply put, we bring more to the table as a partner than someone who revolves around us or comes to us with their bucket of needs.
But admittedly there is a paradox. We cannot GAL and Detach with the goal of getting our spouses back. That's just a tactic, and it's manipulative and reveals no real change in us.
Yet by sincerely owning our flaws and GAL (by studying or working or volunteering in a new way,) and conducting ourselves differently, we show change to the outside world. It's rare for a WAW to turn & go home, if they believe nothing in the LBH has changed. She cannot think returning to you will be the same.
Remember the "math" of this: Small consistent changes + time = change the WAS can believe.
She will notice your changes if they are consistent and authentic.
In any event, being upbeat with a PMA is much much easier when we are busy meeting new people, going to exciting places and doing new interesting things.
As for being able to kick her out, I don't see being able to do so for legal reasons. And perhaps you think you'd be pushing her into OM's arms, more correct? That may be a fair concern. Plus, I think you are trying to DB in front of her while you can, via interactions with her. Once sep, that will be harder.
Still, my instincts say you can DB more actively. What are your GAL so far?
I'd be so happy to go do your new activity with your new friends, I'd barely have time to chat with her. When you relent and do speak with her, DB big time. Listen, listen and listen and do not argue. The more you challenge her choices - or dismiss them as "crazy", the more you force her to defend those choices & tune you out.
It'll be a challenge to be busy & upbeat without looking like you are handing her a cake to eat. So it might be really helpful to get a DB coach for specifics on this (I found my DB coach to be a Godsend back in the day).
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
what he said^^^ List some things you always wanted to do, or places you wanted to visit, that you have not done for whatever reason.
Such as a sport you follow or want to do again, a language or cooking course, woodworking, anything creative, including theater auditions, or crew work, singing, studying a musical instrument - joining a church or club or non profit or community club to join.. writers group, meet up groups,
I coached my d's team, I took a cooking class and a language class, I learned to fly, I went skydiving, auditioned for local and then regional theater, volunteered at school and at a battered women's shelter. I worked out & got in shape, saw a therapist, etc.
There are things you would or do enjoy, that now need your time.
Good luck Searchr.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
