my wife can't decide (II)

[Vanilla]

Nothing I did made any improvement, some things just made in house much worse.

So I generally aimed to do what was best for me. If I needed to apologise then I did so. Not sorry, but I apologise you feel that way often went quite a long way to defusing the rages.

Often even if I believed I was in the right I would apologise, not for something I had done or said but as a validation that the Giggalo was angry or upset.

So I apologise that you feel angry is very validating. Thus not apologising for what I had said or done but for its effects on the Giggalo.

The other has a right to their feelings and thoughts. To do as they please, it's up to us to set our boundary on acceptability. The stronger my boundaries the more the Giggalo raged.

So you can say " you have the right to feel that way" and "of course you have the right to do that". "I can see Xy boundary is upsetting you".

Sincerely use and not but, but is an invalidating word. It's very easy when apologising to invalidatensure another's experience.

So when apologising say "I apologise for my comments the other night about xyz, it upset you". Then STFU. Truly STFU is a wonderful thing. Any version of "I apologise but...." is invalidating.

An apology is for you and the effect it has on you. An apology is strong not weak if done correctly.

Just my thoughts

V

[WillDo]

Thank you! A great validation.

[bigybiz]

Don't reply to any messages when she is in the house. If she has something to say to you - she can walk down the hall and say it to your face.

My W tried this with me - she would not reply to my texts - so I stopped sending them. Now when she sends me a text - I typically answer with "Message received" or "Got it". If it requires thought etc. I say - I'll have an answer for you when I see you on XXday.

If I have something to say to her outside of when I see her which is rare. I phone her and I leave a message if no answer. 1/3 of the time she sends a text back i.e. No I don't need the car, 1/3 she calls back, 1/3 she does not respond - then I act in my best interest.

I see so many people on the DB site that get sucked into these text message battles i.e. hot potato. I think it was Vanilla who said that text messages create anxiety e.g. why have they not responded yet, etc. Text messages create all kinds of problems for regular people never mind those of us in a MR crisis.

Don't let the other person hide - look her square in the eye when you talk to her.

[WillDo]

So a strange communication method. I continue to write into my diary. She ignores me. 2 nights she has been going to the spare room directly once the Ds are in bed.

Michele feels like an angel. I read the first chapter again and reminded me why I came to this forum. All other ones would call me in a sense a pussy and bully me. Here I have to say only thing I feel how difficult it is to be a no Nice guy. I don't know what is right or wrong. I was keeping up eith things on my side. I was giving her attention and it was working. But now flipped. seeing her photo with OM and her sending to hermother was bad. I was patient until Friday where again she asked me not to touch her that we just co disted for the kids. Back to crisis management. I now have the tools t cope. Back 2.5 years ago I was like a fish out of water. Now I changed became more invovee cared for her and family changed work hours do house chores etc.

Well Michele mentions about changing strategy. Thats what I have to do. And thinking sbout the picture. She had gone quiet because she was filling the gap with the A.

[WillDo]

W was out tonight. Came in and ran to talk to the Ds. I put away some dishes and went up. Checked the girls and said Goodnigt to her. no response and now writng this

[WillDo]

I think anger had built up. I looked at my journal. There were so many other things I has noticed about OM that I kept quiet.

all really avoid looking at messages. that took me out of paranoia. these were things came in front of me. I didn't try. the last one I was on my in law's phone and saw a recent picture that my wife sent of her and OM. In law had earased the trxt jept the photo. Why?

I am applying mindfulness to cope but suffering to be Mr Not Nice giy.
I put a boundry about kids and OM. But this forced her to go to a different bed. It feels she respects OM still. I can't take it sometimes.

[WillDo]

I remember Shodan. He had handled these well. At the end he reconciled. A success story. I hope it continues. He hads so many ups and downs. I would recommended it. I feel like I am at the last stages he explained were seperation waa imnenent but they got back together. And there were 2 OMs. Any new success stories to look at?

[WillDo]

I have read some old stiches and don't see success at the end.

Please let me know some.

Sandi's point of Nice Guy sendrom is a strong theory. Even a few days back again my wife said I'm a nice person. But Nice is not what the women wants fo respect. Though that goes against Gottman's theories.

All in all we read what we want and it is an awkward situation.

She is distant from me now. But was I really pieceing or I was putting effort and she was not interested. We did have nice moments recently but on Friday she still turned around and said we are just co existing. Ok here I feel 180 works. Pleading doesnt work. Strangely when I tried fo be happy and acted as if all was ok she just that I was abnormal. She started the argument and when she heard my complaints including OM she just got up and left.

Her dad left and never came back. Doesnt even call his daugther. Maybe that's what she really wants. Go back to family. She even sent a picture of her and OM to her mother!

[Vanilla]

Please research Mozza he kept lists ofor successes.

It also depends on how you define success. In essence success is you living a healthy life in a great R, with WW or without her.

Success is being a great dad to your Ds even if your R isn't immediately repaired or never. Success is for V I will not be abused, living a life free from abuse.

Success is..........

And Will it strikes me that a man being a great dad, standing for his values, standing for new M. That man called Will is already a success.

Just saying

V

[Cadet]

Please research Mozza he kept lists ofor successes.

Theirs a link in the resource thread in my first post