Wouldn't have happened if things were solid. We - along with others - have had this discussion before in your previous thread. Nice cards? I can show you some very, very nice cards given to me less than a month before BD whilst she was in the midst of her affair. But we won't rehash all of that again. The thing is, the seeds of doubt were there long before, and are exemplified in her having those thoughts over the years. Happy/committed people don't have those thoughts.
Not trying to bust your chops, my friend. It is what it is. The important thing is for you to stop trying to figure out the whys and what-fors, and concentrate on yourself...and yourself only. Regardless of when the trigger was pulled, the round was loaded long before that.
Let's rehash it. My WW wrote me a lovely valentine's card saying what a sexy man I was. While she is currently having an EA that she refuses to give up and sleeps in a different room. And I continue to enable because I stubbornly refuse to believe in my heart what my head tells me is true, and what others on this forum are virtually screaming at me to do.
As Jeep says, the focus must be on yourself. The more I examine myself, the more it scares me how much there is to work on. The key is not to get crippled into paralysis by the sheer amount of work to do and the emotional rollercoaster. Eat that elephant one bite sized chunk at a time.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
These two things stand out to me the most from Kaizen's reply:
Quote:
said I was weak physically and mentally and whiny
and
Quote:
she said I didn't want her to think much of herself
There is no easy way to say this, so I'll just leave it here - the first speaks volumes; and the second part seems to be very controlling in nature.
I would say that if you can get the first part under control and re-gain that physical/mental strength, then maybe you can get to where you need to be - for whatever new relationships you will enter in the future. Right now, the unfortunate truth is that there isn't much respect.
For her to say that you didn't want her to think much of herself screams controlling - why would she say that? You were mean about her appearance - did you talk down on her or call her names? If so, then that suggests a whole different ballgame.
Take care of yourself first, Wsh. You have a long road ahead of you. We are here for you, my friend.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
My advice to you would be to start over with a Beginner's Mind as it says in DR. Relook at your situation through your wife's eyes. Relook at yourself from that viewpoint. To me, it sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself before your relationship could be successful anyway.
You are preaching to the choir, but I appreciate your input. I have taken most of the blame for this, and my only complaint about her is that she hid her feelings, making it very hard for me to know there was a serious problem, and didn't try hard enough to make the marriage work. No second chances, no MC, no stern warnings that she was nearing the end of her rope, just all of a sudden had an epiphany, and went cold for a few weeks and then left. I have been accused numerous times of being too nice to her and taking too much of the blame. All that I have said is that after she went cold, her complaints became exaggerated, and a few of them were ridiculous. I have always stated that I was guilty of most of the things she complained about. I have also always stated that I never did anything serious like cheat on her or become an alcoholic or get in trouble or lose my good job.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I am going to go out on a limb and assume you apologized to your wife. Now, actions speak louder than words. No, I don't mean trying to do the sexay times with her or try to win her over.
I am a woman and there are certainly qualities some women universally find appealing. Women generally leave when they are done. That doesn't mean they don't come back or ever reconcile. However, what kind of man do you want to be? Look, we all contributed to the demise of our Rs. I was a great friend, fantastic partner, and a not so great wife. I know that. So moving forward whether it was x Mr. GB or someone else, if I wanted to be in a R, what did I want to be in that R. But first, I needed to regain my identity. I didn't evn know divorce was an option. There are always options. I had no clue. My xh parents have been married 49 years and mine were married 51. I had to google divorce and I'm a pretty smart chick:) I was slapped in the face. And then I had to work on me because I had this thing called life to live. Who am I? What did I really want? And I can assure you that with the passage of time, I discovered some very painful truths about myself. However, there are also things about myself I really like. What about you? What do you like? What needs some work? What do you want? And I am not asking from a list from your wife. Let's leave her out of the equation for a moment.
And there are things you will learn along the way..some good and some bad.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I have taken most of the blame for this, and my only complaint about her is that she hid her feelings, making it very hard for me to know there was a serious problem, and didn't try hard enough to make the marriage work. No second chances, no MC, no stern warnings that she was nearing the end of her rope, just all of a sudden had an epiphany, and went cold for a few weeks and then left.
That is a very, very common theme here. While you are responsible for part of it, you aren't for all of it or even most of it. She didn't let you know. She should have, but she didn't. People work things different ways, my friend. Doesn't matter why anymore. It's done. There is no going back. But there was no "all of a sudden epiphany." Do you really think she felt within a week or two or three that she just had the bright idea to end it?
What's best for you? Whatever it takes for you to get stronger. Period.
However, first and foremost you need to realize you aren't to blame...unless you were mentally/physically/verbally abusive. Then that is whole different kettle of fish.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Take care of yourself first, Wsh. You have a long road ahead of you. We are here for you, my friend.
Agreed. We have all been, or going, through the same thing you are and there is some sound advice in these forums. Nobody here wanted a D and if we all could change our pasts we most likely would. For me, DB isn't about saving my marriage anymore. It is about saving myself. My M is over, and was over before I found this site, but I am still here so I need to learn how to stand up tall and move forward. Believe me, its the hardest thing you will ever face but you will get through this my friend.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
[quote=WshIKnw You are preaching to the choir, but I appreciate your input. I have taken most of the blame for this, and my only complaint about her is that she hid her feelings, making it very hard for me to know there was a serious problem, and didn't try hard enough to make the marriage work. No second chances, no MC, no stern warnings that she was nearing the end of her rope, just all of a sudden had an epiphany, and went cold for a few weeks and then left. I have been accused numerous times of being too nice to her and taking too much of the blame. All that I have said is that after she went cold, her complaints became exaggerated, and a few of them were ridiculous. I have always stated that I was guilty of most of the things she complained about. I have also always stated that I never did anything serious like cheat on her or become an alcoholic or get in trouble or lose my good job. [/quote]
Have you read the 5 Love Languages? It could be that you were on completely different wavelengths in terms of your love needs. As has been said, this will have been building up for some time, and it takes 2 to communicate openly.
At the minute, it's not about blame. It's about finding out how to be the best you, whatever the future holds.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
My advice to you would be to start over with a Beginner's Mind as it says in DR. Relook at your situation through your wife's eyes. Relook at yourself from that viewpoint. To me, it sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself before your relationship could be successful anyway.
You are preaching to the choir, but I appreciate your input. I have taken most of the blame for this, and my only complaint about her is that she hid her feelings, making it very hard for me to know there was a serious problem, and didn't try hard enough to make the marriage work. No second chances, no MC, no stern warnings that she was nearing the end of her rope, just all of a sudden had an epiphany, and went cold for a few weeks and then left. I have been accused numerous times of being too nice to her and taking too much of the blame. All that I have said is that after she went cold, her complaints became exaggerated, and a few of them were ridiculous. I have always stated that I was guilty of most of the things she complained about. I have also always stated that I never did anything serious like cheat on her or become an alcoholic or get in trouble or lose my good job.
Ditto for me.
Have you been listening to my conversations? Seriously the same thing with me.
As mentioned many times on these boards, the WAWs are all reading from the same script.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
For her to say that you didn't want her to think much of herself screams controlling - why would she say that? You were mean about her appearance - did you talk down on her or call her names? If so, then that suggests a whole different ballgame.
I wasn't controlling at all. I was the submissive spouse. I would complain about things and argue with her, though, but rarely did I tell her "no". I also rarely asked her for anything. I used to tell her every now and then that it must be nice not having a spouse hounding you for stuff. I was telling you what my wife said. You kind of jumped to believe her. She said I didn't want her to think much of herself, referring to me complaining to her when she would compliment herself. I would also complain when I would compliment her, and she would respond with a "mmhmm", like saying "I know". I didn't talk down to her about her appearance or call her names. Our relationship was way better than that. I made the mistake of honestly answering questions about how she looked. Though I did try to be very sweet about it. I should have just not been honest at all, unless it was a good thing I was telling her.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Think about that for a minute. Not your defensive explanation. But just think about that.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
