First time post feeling lost and confused

[dodog]

Thanks kevinin you are a great inspiration. I do need to look at group activities as if the truth be known my circle of friends is somewhat depleted either moved away, live far away or now married etc.

So I'm in the mh today looking after the baby boy, wife comes back tonight. Going to make sure I'm already in bed so I don't have to face her. Tomorrow we are going to tell our daughter something about the way things will be going forward i.e. Mummy and daddy need some time apart to fingurentbkngs out as neither of us are happy at the moment. Hopefully that should be enough until we know more of what is going to happen. My golf trip to Portugal can't come soon enough. It's only 3 days but just to get away with the sun shining and a chance to go out. My waw is really bugging me. I logged on to my Mac and she was still signed in I know I shouldn't have snooped but I did and she has searched for thesame guy everyday for the past 2 weeks. And it's not just once a day. It numerous. I know that I cannot control her but to be honest this guy is an oik. Maybe she fancies a bit of rough or something but I am fuming. Been lying on the sofa with my daughter having the best cuddles and giggles and now she has just fallen asleep on me. She said she wanted to sleep in the main bed with me tonight so I might allow her. Especially as her world is going to come crashing down tomorrow. Had a few convos with the wife today about what to say. Even did a bit of db referring back to our arguement on Monday and validating saying that I am sorry that she feels that way and I appreciate that she was being open and honest.

I don't deserve to be treated like this by anyone, so why am I trying to save this marriage so much. I try to do no contact as much as I can with children jnvolved but it's tough. I hope that knowing that I will see the children every Monday and Tuesday and every other weekend I will be able to stop having contact with her as much.

Why am I beating myself up so much when I know that out there, there must be someone who I can be with who wouldn't treat me the way she has.

[KevinIn]

Thanks kevinin you are a great inspiration.

Oh heck no i'm not. If that were the case, i'd be happily married right now. But, i've definitely made a solid effort to detach and move forward with my own life without my wife.

Tomorrow we are going to tell our daughter something about the way things will be going forward i.e. Mummy and daddy need some time apart to fingurentbkngs out as neither of us are happy at the moment. Hopefully that should be enough until we know more of what is going to happen.

Good luck. Let me know how it goes. Are you going to use some of the info from Michelle's article?

Please plan on posting how it goes. I'll need your lessons learned.

I logged on to my Mac and she was still signed in I know I shouldn't have snooped but I did and she has searched for the same guy everyday for the past 2 weeks. And it's not just once a day. It numerous.

Stop snooping. Ya gotta stop. For you. Don't do it anymore. Log her out if you need to.

this guy is an oik.

I had to google that one - not an American term.

OIK: noun, BRITISH, an uncouth or obnoxious person.

She said she wanted to sleep in the main bed with me tonight so I might allow her. Especially as her world is going to come crashing down tomorrow.

I've been letting my 6 year old sleep in my bed whenever i'm home, for at least one night. She's my rock. It kills me to know how bad its going to break her heart when we tell her.

Even did a bit of db referring back to our argument on Monday and validating saying that I am sorry that she feels that way and I appreciate that she was being open and honest.

Nice work. Keep it up.

I hope that knowing that I will see the children every Monday and Tuesday and every other weekend

This is my exact schedule. The 5 day stretch without my kids is horrible. But, it could be less so i'm thankful.

Why am I beating myself up so much when I know that out there, there must be someone who I can be with who wouldn't treat me the way she has.

Because this is all painful and there isn't an easy path forward?

[dodog]

So I've gone about 5 steps back. The wife came back last night so she was in the house this morning whilst j was there. It just brought up lots of feelings. I know she has hurt me and I know that I should start to detach but it is so tough. I love her and I am finding it really hard not to even though she has hurt me.

I'm at work trying not to start crying like a baby. I have to face her again this afternoon when we are going to sit down with our daughter and tell her that we need some time apart.

I was doing so well and now I feel like I'm back to square one.

[KevinIn]

Did you try to have relationship talks with her, or act sad around her? If nit, then pat yourself on the back - thats a win.

Keep it together around her. You'll move forward eventually, but its super hard. I can relate.

[dodog]

Hi kevinin no I didn't whikstvthere but she has just called me and I cracked. But it would seem there is no going back with her so I need to just try and forget any chance of reconciling. She has spoken with a child psychologist who is a friend of a friend and they have come back with the following to tell my eldest


I think two things are important:
1) The "story" as it were that Daughter hears is consistent from you and her dad and
2) the explanation and method of delivery are within her level of comprehension

I would recommend having a really clear conversation with her dad as to what you are going to tell Daughter as close to the truth as possible but something she is happy to hear. What you don't want to happen is for Daughter to hear 2 "sides" and not make sense of this, then potentially think it is something to do with her as it doesn't feel genuine.

I would recommend , once you have both decided on a clear and consistent story, that you write this down into a story book for her in order that you can explain it to her and she can keep referring back to it. I'd photocopy it so she has a copy at yours and her dad's.

The thing you want to avoid is that dad says something against you and you say things against him. I'd put lots of positive things in the story like

" We both love you very much" and " when mummy and daddy had you they loved each other lots , but now they just want to be friends"

Explain what will happen practically, like " daddy will move to ...." " Daughter will still get to see daddy x times a week and she can call him when she likes"

Really not looking forward to dobthis but the wife is adamant that this is over and wants to start telling her bits.

I am actually a bit better now than I was knowing that I don't have a cat in hells chance of bringing my wife back makes me a bit more stronger if you catch my drift.

[dodog]

Well that has got to be the most heart wrenching thing I have ever had to do. My daughter was in tears. My wife just sat there cold faced. She really isn't the women I married and fell in love with which makes my life easier to detach from her.

Just being around her makes me so angry that she is willing to destroy this family without even trying to make us work.

[KevinIn]

My daughter was in tears. My wife just sat there cold faced.

I'm dreading this. I do hope you have some GAL plans tonight to take your mind off it.

[Dawgs]

My daughter was in tears. My wife just sat there cold faced.

I'm dreading this. I do hope you have some GAL plans tonight to take your mind off it.

Sigh. This kind of stuff just plain is sucktastic.

And the thing is, the ex's don't care as long as they are happy. This is when throat-punching should be legal...or at least like in hockey were you get a five minute time-out.

[dodog]

No gal plans tonight just going to leave mh and go to my parents. Not really in the best frame of mind to do any socialising.

And yes 5 minute punch up would be ideal. Daughter seems ok now but not sure how she will be when I leave. 😢

[Dawgs]

Not really in the best frame of mind to do any socialising.

That's when I'd go to the gym and hit the punching bag for a while.