I don't think so. I think she was lured away by OM. The marriage was in its 7th year, at the worst it had been, but still not bad. She still talked of having kids during the summer, wrote me very nice cards, and worked on things like painting the deck, the month before she got fed up. She didn't entirely get fed up, though. Someone at work lured her away. It's a lot easier to "get fed up" when there is something pulling you away. So she grasped at all kinds of stupid reasons to leave me, the first being that I slept too late in the mornings during our anniversary trip. She couldn't tell me until it was done and I couldn't do anything about it. She admitted herself that before she started that job in the summer, it was like she was on an island, not realizing there were all these other islands around her with all these great possibilities. She saw the things other couples had and wanted those things. The coworker OM, with a wife and 4 kids, now visits her some nights at her new place. Completely savory visits? Yeah, right? And I have plenty of evidence that before she left me she was into him. She didn't give up a long time ago. She went wayward some time in the Fall, likely around the time she went cold.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Wouldn't have happened if things were solid. We - along with others - have had this discussion before in your previous thread. Nice cards? I can show you some very, very nice cards given to me less than a month before BD whilst she was in the midst of her affair. But we won't rehash all of that again. The thing is, the seeds of doubt were there long before, and are exemplified in her having those thoughts over the years. Happy/committed people don't have those thoughts.
Not trying to bust your chops, my friend. It is what it is. The important thing is for you to stop trying to figure out the whys and what-fors, and concentrate on yourself...and yourself only. Regardless of when the trigger was pulled, the round was loaded long before that.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I don't post much in this section as well, it makes me sad. First, I am so sorry that you find yourself here. It is a terrible, difficult thing to go through. However, if you are willing to really listen and step back, you will find this board amazing. Hence, why I am still here 3 years later. You are also receiving stellar advice. We all like to think we married the special unicorn and our situation is different. I know I did. I can be super stubborn and I remember thinking, "these peeps are crazy! X Mr. GB told me he loved me before BD and during so we will just work through this." That wasn't the case, however, I am most grateful I found these boards a few days after BD. Why? Because they have helped me in so many, many ways. These situations all have unique elements, and are essentially all reading from the same script. In the words of Mrs. Blockhead from Charlie Brown, "mwak, mwak, mwak."
I apologize in advance if I sound snarky or rude. I occasionally write stream of conscious so I certainly have been in your shoes as we all have. Your wife left before BD-she just finally decided to let you know. I also don't buy the term "lured away>" Your wife is a grown up and apparently made her own decisions. And as some wise DBer posted, her actions tell you that she wanted to be away from you.
Is there hope? Of course there is. I believe 18% of people who divorce remarry. I know you aren't D'd but just giving a bit of perspective. For all intents and purposes, let's just say she is gone. Because regardless of what happens, the old M as you knew it is kaput. I know you want your wife. However, it appears she is wanting something else right now. Sooooooo, what should you do to make your life better? Because maybe she comes back and maybe she doesn't. Or maybe she come back 15 years from now. You need to live in the interim and live well I suggest.
You aren't being dishonest by living your life. I have 3 kids under 13 so I understand that friends change in life. What is something you have always wanted to do? I am rather outgoing so going somewhere by myself is actually rather "freeing." I have my kids about 90% of the time and I enjoy them immensely. However, I do need to recharge to be a good mom, friend, and human being.
You may never figure out the whys. I fully relate to that feeling. However, there will come a day for you (I hope) that you say, "I did the best I could with the tools I had and so did she. I don't know why x happened, but it happened." And realize you can't control the outcome. We have so little control over anything in our lives except how we react and interact with others.
Hang in there.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Wouldn't have happened if things were solid. We - along with others - have had this discussion before in your previous thread.
Certainly wouldn't have happened if things were solid. That's where I blame myself so much. I had gotten slack with nurturing the relationship. I was just so comfortable in the marriage and thought we were soul mates and she would never go anywhere. I was treating her the I wanted to be treated, rather than how a wife needs to be treated. Sadly, I learned a hard lesson that the Golden Rule doesn't always work. But I do not believe that things were that bad when she went wayward. She was just in a vulnerable state due to my neglect.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Thank you very much for responding!! I feel heard.
I'd really like your take on what the difference is in leaving me but not our son. Here is mine: He not only left me, he also left my son. It is incredible to me that someone who leaves the family unit tells themselves that they are leaving the spouse and not the child(ren). Yes, by the very fact that my H is no longer here when our son gets home from school, homework, dinner, goes to bed routine and then gets up for school routine. My H has left our son as well. My H has only attended our son's "fun" activities since he moved out - he'll attend basketball games and karate lessons. We have agreed on every other weekend, our son sleeps over at H's apt. That is down from every night of the week when my H and my son's daddy was here and available - to now 4 nights a month they spend together! So, yes, my H has left both me and our son. My son now has a part-time daddy in time and availability. That is no joke - so anyone who wants to kid themselves otherwise, needs to get real in the eyes of the child.
I am such a tremendous stand for marriage and working together as a couple, through good and bad - (unless abuse is involved). I'm going to post my story in a separate thread and hopefully, you'll see it and post a respond to that, too.
Again, thank you very much! I'm looking forward to hearing your take on the difference.
M: 49 H: 47 Son: 8 DBomb: Dec 9, 2016 H moved out: Jan 24, 2017
Man, I've been in your shoes. And part of me will always be. You are in the "its my fault" mode, which is evident in all your writings.
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But I do not believe that things were that bad when she went wayward. She was just in a vulnerable state due to my neglect.
2x4 [ON] OFF Just because you don't believe things weren't bad, doesn't mean they were the same in her mind. You can't mind read. You are living in this "if I had done this, if I had done that" mode, and quite frankly, its making you crazy. People don't go wayward when things are good in the marriage. This "vulnerable state" is pure BS. As GeorgiaBell said, she is an adult and made a well-thought out decision. Now, with that said, do you have any part in the demise? Of course you do, it takes two to tango. But, your actions DID NOT drive her into the arms of another. I'd be willing to bet that she suggested as much, no? Pull up your big boy pants and take care of Wsh.
She may/may not come back. But one thing is for sure, she won't if this line of behavior continues.
2x4 ON [OFF]
No offense, my friend. Just telling like it is. And, no, its not a pessimistic view.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
My wife and I were still getting along very well, having sex regularly, spending time together, and so on. Then she just left. It was too easy for her to give up.
I admit I havent read everything in your threads. In starting back from the beginning, I noticed this excerpt. Please see my comments below:
She left on December 28th. A few days later, she wrote me a long email, a massive list of 17 general things that she complained about.
In reading through this, there is a lot that made you seem like a child to her and not a partner. For example: - laziness about helping with chores - too much time on the computer - lack of life skills, like cooking; - unreliability/lateness; - said I was weak physically and mentally and whiny;
Then, on top of that, it sounds like in addition to not feeling like equals, it sounds like she felt that you believed her to be inferior. For example: - complained that I was sort of mean about her appearance in that I didn't show enough sexual interest in her - she said I didn't want her to think much of herself - she complained of lack of sex
To me, though, this quote of yours really sums it up:
Originally Posted By: WshIKnew
That told me that she had done a lot of looking for things about me to hate to help her build up her wall of hate.
Rather than being introspective and examining yourself about these things that she pointed out, your line of thinking was that the things she was picking out werent real; that these are normal traits; or that it isnt as bad as she says. Im not saying you need to change every one of these things. But in my mind, it doesnt sound like she 'just gave up' one day. To come up with a list like this, I think it had been brewing for a long time and you didnt notice it. I'll admit, I was the same way; I had no idea at BD - and then a few months later I was divorced.
My advice to you would be to start over with a Beginner's Mind as it says in DR. Relook at your situation through your wife's eyes. Relook at yourself from that viewpoint. To me, it sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself before your relationship could be successful anyway.
I'd really like your take on what the difference is in leaving me but not our son. Here is mine: He not only left me, he also left my son. It is incredible to me that someone who leaves the family unit tells themselves that they are leaving the spouse and not the child(ren). Yes, by the very fact that my H is no longer here when our son gets home from school, homework, dinner, goes to bed routine and then gets up for school routine. My H has left our son as well. My H has only attended our son's "fun" activities since he moved out - he'll attend basketball games and karate lessons. We have agreed on every other weekend, our son sleeps over at H's apt. That is down from every night of the week when my H and my son's daddy was here and available - to now 4 nights a month they spend together! So, yes, my H has left both me and our son. My son now has a part-time daddy in time and availability. That is no joke - so anyone who wants to kid themselves otherwise, needs to get real in the eyes of the child.
I get what you are saying, mine did the same thing. But you have to take it out of the context of the family unit. If his love and involvement with his son is evident, then what he left was you, not his son. I apologize if it was misunderstood...the thing is, even though he (for now) no longer wants to be married doesn't mean his love for his son is any less.
I know how you feel. I struggle with this crap every day...my ex told me this was the most selfish thing she had ever done, and she's correct. She destroyed two families with her affair...and she destroyed the best part of me, too. I'm not sure I'll ever get past the things I've seen/heard/read. But, I digress, even though she is a total failure of a wife and family unit, she still does love the kids and I will give that to her. She left, yes. She left not only me, but the family unit. However, she didn't abandon the kids. That's the difference - as much as I don't like it, that is the other side of the coin.
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I am such a tremendous stand for marriage and working together as a couple, through good and bad - (unless abuse is involved). I'm going to post my story in a separate thread and hopefully, you'll see it and post a respond to that, too.
I agree 100%. I don't believe in divorce at all - unless abuse, etc. In my case, my ex not only had an affair but made some very poor choices. My story is elsewhere if you can find it.
I'll be glad to weigh in - I find that posting in other threads to be tremendously helpful to me - although I'm not sure how good my help will be.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thank you very much for responding!! I feel heard.
I'd really like your take on what the difference is in leaving me but not our son. Here is mine: He not only left me, he also left my son. It is incredible to me that someone who leaves the family unit tells themselves that they are leaving the spouse and not the child(ren). Yes, by the very fact that my H is no longer here when our son gets home from school, homework, dinner, goes to bed routine and then gets up for school routine. My H has left our son as well. My H has only attended our son's "fun" activities since he moved out - he'll attend basketball games and karate lessons. We have agreed on every other weekend, our son sleeps over at H's apt. That is down from every night of the week when my H and my son's daddy was here and available - to now 4 nights a month they spend together! So, yes, my H has left both me and our son. My son now has a part-time daddy in time and availability. That is no joke - so anyone who wants to kid themselves otherwise, needs to get real in the eyes of the child.
I am such a tremendous stand for marriage and working together as a couple, through good and bad - (unless abuse is involved). I'm going to post my story in a separate thread and hopefully, you'll see it and post a respond to that, too.
Again, thank you very much! I'm looking forward to hearing your take on the difference.
Love1st - Id recommend you start your own thread and more people will be able to listen and support you.
