I think it was your post on the merits of DB and wondering if it 'works'. It looks like that post was deleted as I was adding to it.
My comments are as follows:
For me, I didnt come across DB until after I was separated and my ex was already in an affair. How many of those cases turn around anyway? My odds were extremely low from the outset. And now my ex is married to the AP.
So, did DB 'work' to save my marriage? Well, obviously not. Would anything have? I highly doubt it.
BUT, DB did force me to look at myself and figure out how to get out of the pit I had dug for myself. It gave me the knowledge about how to rebuild myself into a stronger, more resilient, better equipped person which has made me a better parent, friend, and partner. My new relationship is much stronger because of DB.
My ex's choices arent the fault of DB. I consider my story a success even if my marriage was not saved.
I, too, am reading a lot of posts and wondering if this DB'ing isn't for people who want to get through their D in the most healthy, amicable way....
I don't want a divorce. My husband moved out a month ago. He is not seeing anyone, told me no interest. We have an 8 yr son. My H is 47; I am 49. From what I've read he is going thru MLC and he told me he needs to "step away from the marriage and the swirl of it all" to figure out things.
It is very scary to me. I do consider this a gift and it is very possible the best thing to happen to our marriage. I have been given a wake up call. He has time to get his priorities figured out. If his priorities don't include me and our son, then at least I can march on with my independence, strength and confidence and be able to take care of my son.
My intention and commitment is for the successful reconciliation and a newly built marriage with my H. The DB'ing strategies are different than what I'd do. I'd normally continue to be the best wife and person I can be to my husband, even in the face of his rejection. DB'ing suggests I pull way back and give him little to no contact except for our son's consideration.
I'm lost and need to wrap my head around how I should proceed in allowing my H room and space, but continuing to hold his attention.
Please offer your input. It would be so very appreciated!
Thank you!
M: 49 H: 47 Son: 8 DBomb: Dec 9, 2016 H moved out: Jan 24, 2017
Well, love1st, I'm about the most lost and unsure person there is on this board. So, I can only say that I feel for you, because I'm grappling with the same thing that you are.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
It is very scary to me. I do consider this a gift and it is very possible the best thing to happen to our marriage. I have been given a wake up call. He has time to get his priorities figured out. If his priorities don't include me and our son, then at least I can march on with my independence, strength and confidence and be able to take care of my son.
This is one of the scariest, and hardest, things we will ever go through. The fact that he moved out is very concerning and you have been given the gift of time to become the strongest and best love1st that you can be, for both you and your son.
Why did you say "his priorities don't include me and my son?" Has he ever made any inference that his son isn't his priority? He may have left you and the marriage, but not his son...there is a difference.
Quote:
I'm lost and need to wrap my head around how I should proceed in allowing my H room and space, but continuing to hold his attention.
I've seen some say that the best thing you can do is just pretend he doesn't exist. Trying to hold his attention is akin to pursuing...honestly, he may even not want you to try. As hard as it is, the best thing you can do is let him be. The butterfly analogy works well here: squeeze too hard and you will kill the butterfly every time...open your hand and let it fly away. If it chooses to return and alight in your open hand, then there is your answer. But, you have to hold you hand open and give it the choice...and trying to hold his attention is more like squeezing that butterfly.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
It seems like, by far, most people here weren't successful (at least not before divorce) in reconciling. I know DB is more about knowing what doesn't work, according to MWD, but how do we know that DB works? It would need to have a higher success rate than the total percentage of people that successfully saved their marriages, including all those that did and all those that didn't use DB techniques, right? The success rate of DBers should be higher than that, right? Do we have statistics that show this?
DB'ing works!
Success can be defined many different ways. I know you are defining it as your marriage is recovered. Sadly not all marriages recover. However I can say that whether your marriage recovers or not you can define success as YOU recovering. If you follow what you learn here YOU will recover.
When people wash up here on our shores their marriages are likely over already. So part of DB is to learn how to fix ourselves and how to build a new marriage/relationship. No matter what you will need to be able to do that in the future. You can only look forward, you can not look backwards and try to change the past. Learn from the past but accept it and keep moving forward.
Those that try to sweep all of this under the rug and run away from it all are doomed to continue to repeat their history over and over until they get it right.
Second marriages fail at an even greater rate than first marriages. How do you beat those statistics.
It's too easy for people to give up and get out of marriages. They don't take the vows seriously.
I agree. And I also disagree.
I do think that it's too easy. Where I am, either spouse can walk into a courthouse for any reason, file for divorce and it will be granted. That said, I wouldnt want my spouse to stay in the marriage because of an obligation from the legal system. We were married for 6 months while separated and Im guessing almost every night was spent with the AP. At that point, what difference did it make if we were legally married or not?
So, where does the fault lie? In some aspects, I think it was with me - my ex and I got together while my ex was still in a relationship with another person. Maybe I should have known then what I was getting into? I expect that next marriage will be my last based on what I now value in a partner and the knowledge Ive gained through DB to be a good partner.
My wife and I were still getting along very well, having sex regularly, spending time together, and so on. Then she just left. It was too easy for her to give up.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
