Thread #2 - Separating

[KevinIn]

My first thread, and the first leg of my DB journey is over. Read about my background by clicking here.

Now begins another experience I never imagined - separating from my wife.

On 2/17/17, we had a session with our marriage counselor. During this session, my wife said she just doesn't see any way to fix things. I remained calm, collected, and practiced DB techniques. Unfortunatly, the result was that we are going to find a mediator to walk us through a formal separation agreement. I told her to give me a week to process that info and i'd get back to her to talk about next steps.

Since that session, we haven't communicated much other than logistics regarding our kids. I was probably a little rude in some of my texts, but not too bad. I had a great session with my DB Coach, Chuck, who gave me some pointers.

I finally met with the wife yesterday, 2/26/17, to talk through the next steps.

Per my coaching session, my goal was to change her perspective of me - to say and do things she wouldn't expect. I think it worked, kinda.

When i got to the house, her wall was up, and she made a slightly rude / passive aggressive comment. I decided to let it go and not engage. Once our kids were out of the room, i asked her to join me on the couch to talk.

I started by confirming that the outcome from our therapy was that she wanted to find a mediator for separation. She agreed that was the next step. I then setup a DB opportunity and asked "Is there any room for compromise or other options?" She said no, to which i responded "Is that how you felt during our marriage when I wouldn't leave room for your opinion? If so, I feel your pain." I let that soak in, and she nodded her head that she felt that way. We sat in silent for several minutes after this. This was one of her issues that made her "fall out of love" - she felt it was always my way is the only way. So, this is a 180 technique to turn it on her. She wouldn't look at me, and instead looked at the ground and had a super sad look on her face.

I then did another 180 on her and said, "okay. then i want to make this as easy as possible on you and the kids. as such, i researched a few mediators in the area that i'd like you to look into" and i handed her contact info for them. This caught her off guard - i think she was expecting pushback or something different. Her wall fell down, almost instantly.

I then said that since i want this to be smooth, I went ahead and documented our average monthly spending so she can start getting a good idea of her budget, since i had traditionally taken care of finances. I handed her a sheet with the details and some graphs about our spending. This further took her off guard and let her open up even more. We talked about her finding an apartment and I offered to do whatever she needed from me to help (yet another 180, since she expected me to push back or be mean about it).

While i've been doing the LRT technique and completely backing off for over 3 weeks, my DB coach wanted me to try some 180s. I did. I think it worked.

After that, we chatted about the kids and other random stuff. She even laughed at one point, which was the first time i've made her laugh in 4-5 months. I then hung out with the kids for a few minutes and left the apartment.

Since yesterday, her texts to me about the kids/logistics have been much more friendly. That's at least a positive sign that we aren't going to go through our lives hating each other.

Now, its up to her to look at the mediators and get back to me on next steps. She's going to look at apartments this weekend.

In this thread i'll try to focus on what its like to work through the separation, the mediator, and the separation agreement. I'm not looking forward to this, but i'm hopeful it will present some Divorce Busting opportunities that I can take advantage of.

Thanks all for your support!! And thanks to my DB coach, Chuck, for the great guidance.

[hawker]

I hear Chuck is a great DB coach KevinIn, I am glad you feel good about the advice he gave you! It is interesting about how your 180 affected her so quickly.

I hope the mediation goes will, maybe the separation will make her miss you and see what she will be missing out on, who knows....

I have read some of your posts before but can't remember, is she still in a PA???

Take care of you and your kiddos Kevin!!!

[KevinIn]

I have read some of your posts before but can't remember, is she still in a PA?

I have no clue. I have restrained from any talks except about the kids. And i am doing zero snooping. I assume it is ongoing, but i really dont know.

[Dawgs]

And i am doing zero snooping

Good for you. At this point, its irrelevant whether she is or isn't. You are doing good for yourself and your kids, and that, sir, is the single most important thing.

[KevinIn]

Its definitely irrelevant. It wasnt healthy for me to think about it. From a legal perspective, my L has everything she needs if it should ever go down that path.

Just need to focus on me, my kids (who are starting to show some issues with everything), and taking advantage of DBing opportunities.

[Cristy]

Thanks all for your support!! And thanks to my DB coach, Chuck, for the great guidance.

Hello KevinIn,

Thank you so much for the wonderful words regarding your DB Coach, Chuck. I'm very happy to hear that his guidance has been helpful.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[KevinIn]

As i mentioned in yesterday's post, on sunday i had the first pleasant conversation with wife since sometime in December. Now its stuck in my mind and i have to tell myself to back off. Don’t communicate. She hasn't changed yet. It was a one time thing (maybe first of many).

Bottom line: dont screw it up and dont read into it. Keep LRTing. Keep DBing.

Will power and patience.

[KevinIn]

Every Wednesday morning for the past month, the Wife comes to the house to pick up the kids to take to school. I try to keep the conversation to a minimum and about the kids or logistics. Today was no different.

However, I needed to figure out a logistical problem with where i was staying tonight and I also wanted to "test the water" just a little to see if Sunday's positive conversation had any actual impact.

Since I need to be by our house very early tomorrow morning, I asked if I could just stay at the house with her tonight, and i'd be in the guest bedroom. She said "no. I don't want to confuse the kids."

This response hurt. It reinforced that she is not even considering trying to fix things. her heels are dug in. She is forcing the full separation and there is not even a chance of her reconsidering it at this moment.

I then said i can come home after the kids are asleep, and she gave me a look that implied - no. I then said i'd get back to her later in the day with what i'm going to do. We then got the kids and all left the house.

I feel that my response is a Divorce Busting opportunity for a 180. But, i need to execute it properly.

What she probably expects me to say: "I'd really like to stay at home tonight to make it easy on myself tomorrow morning."

A possible 180 response: Something about agreeing that it would be bad to confuse the kids, so i'll stay away and make it work.

Rationale: One of her complaints in our relationship was that I didn't value her thoughts - it was 'my way is the only way.' So, i'm trying to show that i do value her thoughts, which does take her by surprise. But, i also don't want to be a doormat that does whatever she says. Therefore, my response needs to be deeper than just "okay, whatever you say." By agreeing with her reasoning for me not being there, i will possibly surprise her.


What are everyone's thoughts? Let me know if you can think of a good 180 in this conversation.

[LH19]

KevinIn,

Where are you living now? Why did you leave the house? Is the 1 month break over and are you moving back in? How old are you and your wife? How old are the kids?

[sandi2]

To my ears, it sounds like pleading. Pleading is not okay. She needs to see a strong, confident male who is not going to ask her to let him spend the night.

Rationale: One of her complaints in our relationship was that I didn't value her thoughts - it was 'my way is the only way.' So, i'm trying to show that i do value her thoughts, which does take her by surprise. But, i also don't want to be a doormat that does whatever she says. Therefore, my response needs to be deeper than just "okay, whatever you say." By agreeing with her reasoning for me not being there, i will possibly surprise her.

Kevin, you asked twice if you could spend the night! Are you saying that you showed value for her thoughts b/c you agreed to not to stay there? That's not the way it appears in your post, and it is not the way to demonstrate value of her thoughts. It made you appear pushy. You had little choice about not staying.

I feel that my response is a Divorce Busting opportunity for a 180. But, i need to execute it properly.

There was nothing to indicate that she had changed her mindset. So, I suggest you don't try anymore "testing the waters" for a long time.

Some things you should have done a long time ago, when she still wanted the M to work......will not be received well now. She has changed. She wants out of the M. Not all, but some things you may be itching to show her, will need to be saved until she wants back into the M again.

I'm sure that all this information you are learning can become rather confusing when you try to execute it. Don't give up. It's a lot to process when a person is dealing with what you're facing.