MLC? Maybe you can tell me...

[Bird]

Not much to report on my front right now...

S agreement was mailed to H on 2/6, no word. I finally texted him today to ask where it was at (since he hounded me about it for weeks until it was mailed to him). He said his lawyer still has it and it should be done this week. Makes me wonder what's up since H and I essentially went through all the bullet points and designed it together. It's not like anything surprising was on it, but then his atty has to make money somehow I guess. Hope it can still be filed uncontested, I don't need the stress or expense of that whole mess.

Still running, I'm on week 5 of a couch-to-5k program. I'm registered for a 5k in June so hopefully I should be doing pretty well at that point.

Went out with a girlfriend for Thai last night and went to see some acoustic blues acts which was very fun.

H had the kids for their winter break this week. Oddly he dropped them off at his parents on Weds (2 hours away) and didn't go back to pick them up until Sat. Seemed like a nice opportunity to take a couple days off work and hang with them, but I don't know who this man is anymore, so it's anyone's guess. D10 called me bawling and hyperventilating begging me to pick her up. She didn't want to go but H told her that if they didn't go it would hurt GM/GF feelings. Not sure why their feelings are ranked above his kids. Circle back to things that don't make sense to me.

One thing I hate about this MLC is that the LBS seems to be left behind to clean up the mess, take the brunt of kid frustration/anger... along with the general heartbreak of losing the future that you planned on and believed in. Sometimes it feels like too much on my shoulders. Starting to pack the house as we agreed to get it on the market by April. 3000sqft and no one here but me to do the heavy lifting. [censored].

Anyhow, kids are back after a week with their Dad..the house sure was quiet with just the dog and me. I'm not sure which of us is happier to see them!

I guess everything is on pause until we hear what surprises H's lawyer has in store for us. Like he hasn't taken enough already.

I'm not a Beyonce fan by any stretch, but I've been listening to A LOT of Lemonade lately. It's therapeutic.

[peacetoday]

K

Hi
yes you are right on..The LBS takes the full responsibility for pretty much everything
keeping the house together , the kids, finances, ect especially during the Separation -
being there for the kids during the transition
It helps them to have one stable parent available since the MLC is not as available as they may have been
Some MLCers become Disney dads, while others check out totally
Its hard to watch and understand for sure

You seem grounded..It will get easier for everyone in time and the more you can reach out to be there emotionally for your kids, the better they will be

Not that you have to talk about the separation /MLC issue..unless they bring it up
but just so they know they can count and come to you

they will see Dad is different and may not totally get it-

Hang in and keep posting

[Bird]

Okay, so D12 has a choral concert at her school tonight. It's my night with the girls, and they requested going out to eat at this casual Mexican place by the school afterward. H will be at the concert. I'm debating asking him if he'd like to join us.

On the one hand, I haven't had much of anything to say to him since 2/4 when I found out his office was gossiping about him and OW who supposedly quit her job to avoid a conflict of interest. He denies this but said he might ask her out. I think they're together but whatever. So I've been so furious about it that I have only communicated regarding necessities such as kids' schedules, the impending separation agreement or finances.

On the other hand, I want this man to wake up and return to his family. But then, there I am NOT keeping my expectations at zero. So if I invite him to dinner, is that pursuing or being neighborly? I feel like it's a fine line showing them that LBS and family are worth returning to but at the same time not pursuing. Advice?

[SBJ]

Karen, I don't have any advice, but like you it seems that if they see how good you are doing then maybe at some point something will click. That is the way normal people think...right? I think that is the problem. They aren't thinking as a normal person.

I think that if you can keep zero expectations then it should be ok to have him for dinner. You are asking him to join you in taking out the kids after a school funx. It isn't a date. I might be totally off base, but that is my unprofessional opinion.

[Gordie]

H had the kids for their winter break this week. Oddly he dropped them off at his parents on Weds (2 hours away) and didn't go back to pick them up until Sat. Seemed like a nice opportunity to take a couple days off work and hang with them, but I don't know who this man is anymore, so it's anyone's guess. D10 called me bawling and hyperventilating begging me to pick her up. She didn't want to go but H told her that if they didn't go it would hurt GM/GF feelings. Not sure why their feelings are ranked above his kids. Circle back to things that don't make sense to me.

1. This story made me so, so sad for you and your kids. How are you managing this parenting situation?

2. Re inviting to dinner after the concert...I see both sides of your argument. If you can look great and have an awesome attitude and have a great time with your kids with your H there...then I'd invite him. If it's going to make everything tense and moody and spoil the evening...then don't.

[Bird]

Okay, I think I'll just play it casual and if he comes, we'll have an enjoyable family dinner like we used to, and if not that's fine as well. I can turn off my inner turmoil for an hour.

Gordie - it stinks. I don't know if I'd call it 'managing' the situation. D12 is at what we're calling her "Hot Topic" phase (as in, the store). Wears all black, is annoyed by everyone etc. She texts her Dad constantly and he is constantly answering her. I will text her while I'm at work to ask how her day was, or send her a funny meme or something and I get crickets. That's how she was all last week when they were gone. I barely heard from her. I try to remember she's only 12 and she misses her Dad... but it definitely hurts. Selfishly, it hurts too because he left us and I feel like subconsciously she is punishing me for that.

[Bird]

We did not have dinner together.

After D12 came back to us after the show, I casually said "we're headed to the Mexican place for dinner; you're welcome to join us if you'd like." He started to say no, then looked at D12 and said well, should I come out for Mexican? To which D12 said, I don't want to tell you what to do, I don't want you to come if it would be awkward. Then there was a little quiet back and forth between them while we were walking and he said we could go to dinner without him. I said ok, see ya, very lightly and we went on our way.

I think the thing about expectations is that in order to really reduce your expectations to zero, you just have to have your heart ripped out and stomped on so many times by this person that you get used to it. Like being desensitized to violence. I think until I get used to that happening, my expectations will never hit zero.

His brother and I use a code word when we talk now and one of us describes an interaction with H. We just say "Bubble." Both as definition and explanation. He is also isolated from H and is also feeling the pain of that rejection. Rip, stomp, rip, stomp.

[Gordie]

KarenHC,

1. Re Lemonade...the odd thing is, my W listens to this all the time...I've wanted to ask her about the irony about it being about a betrayed spouse...and reconciliation...but I don't...she sees it as an album about women's empowerment...

2. Re expectations...being desensitized to violence...emotional violence rendered against you...I think you are right...

3. Re D12...I don't know the dynamics, but has she "taken sides" with your H?

[Bird]

Wow, it's hard to believe she can't actually grasp the meaning behind Lemonade - it's not like it wasn't all over the news when the album came out. Like I said, I'm not even a Beyoncé fan and I knew all about it. The part of the album that resonates the most for me is the video intro for "Sorry" which is spoken word of the following:

"So what are you gonna say at my funeral, now that you've killed me? 'Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children, both living and dead, rest in peace my true love, who I took for granted. Most bomb ****, who because of me, sleep evaded. Her shroud is loneliness. Her God was listening. Her Heaven will be a love without betrayal.'"

Sometimes I just listen to the beginning of the song, just to hear that part.

D12 has always been very attached to H. She is his "mini me" whereas D10 is my "mini me" both in looks and personality. I've struggled with my relationship with D12 because our personalities are like oil and water and because I shouldered a lot of the burden of her difficulties and am the disciplinarian. She gravitates to him because he isn't the one nagging her about homework, bedtime, etc. Has she taken sides with him? Maybe. I thought about asking her if she blames me, but she may be too young yet to even process what that means. I'm trying to keep the structure at home the same as before he left - still on her case to pick up after herself and do her homework. I think she might think she should get a pass, as she certainly does with him as he no longer feels the need to parent in that respect. So yeah, maybe.

[SBJ]

Karen...I think that our kids will always push the boundaries just to see how far they can push. That doesn't change when our situations turn to separation. My W was always the disciplinarian, but since she has moved out, I have turned up the heat. For a while things slid, but at a certain point, things just click inside you and you realize that it is all on you now. My W and I shared all of the responsibilities really well, or so I thought, but again...now things are all on my shoulders at "my" house.

The kids know what dad expects and it is done...for the most part. At 19, 14, and 10 things do sometimes slide, but it doesn't take much to get back on track. My D14 and my W are like best friends now, so I don't know exactly what type of dynamic is there when they are at her place, but my W seems more in line with a teenager now than a 43 yo mother of 3. I miss the woman that is now gone, and I hope one day she returns, but it is painfully obvious that she has disappeared for at the moment.

I don't think you have to or should you ask her who she blames...it will all come out eventually. I'm not an expert by any means, but I simply told my kids that I didn't agree with what is going on, but that I loved them, I loved their mother, and God will get us thru this. They know we both love them, but I'm sure in their growing minds there are questions that only can be answered thru time.