So Confused and Conflicted (3)

[WshIKnw]

It is abundantly clear that you are terrified of losing your W. It is also abundantly clear that her actions speak volumes. Her actions say that you have already lost her.

When you say that I've lost her, are you saying you don't think she's ever going to come back?

I also realize that you are emotionally fragile. You've shared some of your personal challenges and that's why I think Vanilla's post is important. She asked you a couple of questions that I hope you answer.

To answer her questions, I have not gone to see a doctor or to therapy. I discussed with my stepmom, tonight, seeing a therapist that she knows.

There are patterns in your threads. We have tried to hammer home the need for you to work on yourself first. What I take away is that you refuse to listen to our advice, which leads me to believe that you wouldn't listen to your W. Listening is required for any relationship to work. Granted, now I'd be very cautious in listening to her.

That being said, you are having difficulty getting out of your own way. You need to stop the rinse, repeat cycle.

You are very correct. I did not listen to her. *sigh* I did not take her complaints and requests seriously. She always seemed happy to me. It's hard for me to feel very motivated to make someone happier who already seems happy to me. She likes to "fake it until she makes it" and I found it confusing as hell. Combine that with giving no second chances and you have a f***ing recipe for disaster. It makes me so mad. It's so unfair.

I'm becoming less and less hopeful and more and more depressed. So, it's becoming harder and harder to work on me.

Honestly, it is a concern to your fragile state. I hope that you seek the help and support that you need from more than this board.

Getting out of this d4mn house, where everything is a reminder of my wife, helps a lot. I've been seeing my dad and step mom a lot. It helps a ton to get out and be around people. I'm so mad that my wife would do this to me. I wasn't that bad to her. I just treated her like I wanted to be treated, like a man wants to be treated, rather than how she needed to be treated, because I'm just inexperienced. I didn't cheat on her, do drugs, get in trouble, lose my job, make her wonder where I am, gamble or waste money, etc., etc. Women give up so easily, and can't even give any warnings or anything. No ultimatums. No second chances. Just gone.

[WshIKnw]

Like MWD says in the walk-away wife video, inexperienced women think that guys think just like they do. "How could he not see that I was unhappy? I've done everything I could do to get him to change." No you haven't. You could have done so much more to get through to me, so that I would know that you really needed this stuff and that you were slipping away from me. Put on a happy face all the time and keep telling me you love me and you are so glad you have me, and how the h3ll am I supposed to take your occasional complaints seriously?? WTF? It's cruel as f***.

[LITB]

When you say that I've lost her, are you saying you don't think she's ever going to come back?

I don't have a lot of time at the moment, but I want to briefly respond to your question. I do not know the answer, nor does anyone else.

It is possible that she returns at some point. Perhaps after you invest in your growth and get yourself to a happy and healthy place. I cannot emphasize that enough. No matter what happens with you and your W, it should be your objective.

[WshIKnw]

I'm trying to change my thoughts and keep depressing songs from playing in my head. This morning, as soon as I woke up, I just laid in bed interrupting all the usual thoughts and songs by singing the first non-depressing song that I could think of, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I just sing it in my head over and over when the negative thoughts and sad songs come. I think I am being successful with this so far this morning. I also try to think positive thoughts instead, but it's hard when I feel like my positive thoughts are not realistic. And I'm eating now while doing this, which is the most important thing for keeping my depression away. I may leave the house and live with my dad and stepmom for a little while, because being here, especially when alone, and especially in the morning, has gotten to the point where there is a strong pattern of heavy depression when I'm here. Every single thing in this house reminds me of her and my loss.

[Dawgs]

Wsh,

What do you like to do for fun?

[WshIKnw]

Wsh,

What do you like to do for fun?

I used to be obsessed with programming, figuring out how video games work, and making my own modifications. I worked on bots for a video game. I thought AI was extremely interesting. But now I hate that hobby because it was such a big part of the reason my wife felt neglected. I haven't touched it all, since I first realized that something was very wrong in our relationship (BD). Spending so much time on the computer I feel like has caused me to slowly rot away. My forearms and hands are so skinny. I wish they were as easy to build up as my upper arms. I have no friends, except some online friends, that I'm not very close to. I made one friend, who is recently divorced, who desperately wanted to hang out with me and talk, but about as soon as I said okay, he started back tracking. Spoke on the phone with him once, and ever since, he's been tapering off his contact. Haven't spoken to him for a week now. I have no idea what happened with him. I don't feel like I was very whiny with him, but I didn't feel like I was very whiny on these forums, but all of you picked up on my desperation. I had everything I felt like I needed, with my wife. I had her, my best friend and lover, a great job with great income, a great house to live in, a great family, hobbies that I enjoyed too much, and a dog, and plans to have a family with her very soon. I felt like I had it all. I feel like when I lost her, about 60% of the good things in my life were lost. Now I'm trying to make friends, but I feel like I'm right back in those shoes I was in before I met my wife. I feel like there is something about me that makes me undesirable not only to ladies but to male friends. Maybe people are afraid I will bring them down. I think I could improve all of this if I got out in the sun more and exercised, lifted weights, and ate more, but it's the eating more that's so hard. I think if I could put on weight, it would greatly increase my confidence and happiness and physical attractiveness, and people would then want to be around me, especially if I cut my hair, perhaps. But I've always had such a poor appetite. It might be because I spend so much time on the computer. Now, instead of working on hobbies or having fun, I'm on the computer reading about my situation or typing posts on this forum. I also spend a large amount of time venting to my parents. Sometimes I type letters to my wife, but I pretty much never send them to her these days. It's hard to GAL when you have no friends. I have co-workers that I get along with great, but I don't feel like we would enjoy each other's company outside of work. I have long felt a lack of connection with most people in the world. But I felt like I had such a strong connection with my wife. I had so many of my eggs in her basket. She has truly devastated me by leaving me, and it makes me wonder whether she gives a d4mn about what happens to me at all. She really hardened her heart when she started going cold. She almost overnight went from a loving wife and friend to a bitter hateful demon. She made herself hate me. It was the only way she could deal with what she was doing. I can't believe she did it. Never saw this coming in a million years. It's so messed up.

[WshIKnw]

I'm now trying to find other things to do for fun, Jeep. It's hard to get out when you have to go alone. A male co-worker around my age spent like a half hour the other day giving me all this great advice about how to get out and get a life, but he never really offered to do it with me, except once, kind of begrudgingly, "I could even take you out in my boat," after he spent minutes telling me I could go places by myself, like to bars, and just sit down and start talking to people. It felt like, "here's what you need to do, but don't look at me to do these things with you."

[Dawgs]

You can't do anything about your hands, but like other muscle groups your forearms can be worked. However, as you are well aware, it takes some eating to put on muscle along with harder than average work in the gym. When I was in the middle of all this crap I lost roughly 20 lbs - down to 160 something, and on a six foot frame, that's very noticeable. I was just like you. Just like you. It took a veritable hammer to bring me out of it...then I got mad and hit the weights harder than in a long time, and ate better, too. You'll find that a little bit of anger can help. haha.

That's an interesting hobby you have - but I'm on the opposite end of the gaming...I'll think nothing of logging on late nights and doing some MW or CoD. But, like you, I kind of lost interest in my hobbies, too. One of mine was building plastic and flying airplanes and all. Lately, I've gotten back into building them and also wooden ships...since I'm a perfectionist, I find it forces me to not think about other things.

I'm going to be honest like the others on here have said - even though you don't think you came across as desperate or whiney, you have...BUT, that's completely normal. We all have been there. All of us. And sometimes I find that its not that hard for her to drag me down into her pit again. Ugh.

Wsh, you are in a great group of people who want nothing more than to help you. Understand that. We all have been exactly where you are. ALL OF US.

Now, first things first. Get a haircut. Eat. Go to the gym or a nice long run. Do something out of the ordinary for you. Try to talk to someone without mentioning your situation in any form. Skydive. Whatever. Just do whatever.

[WshIKnw]

It seems like, by far, most people here weren't successful (at least not before divorce) in reconciling. I know DB is more about knowing what doesn't work, according to MWD, but how do we know that DB works? It would need to have a higher success rate than the total percentage of people that successfully saved their marriages, including all those that did and all those that didn't use DB techniques, right? The success rate of DBers should be higher than that, right? Do we have statistics that show this?

[Dawgs]

It's more about helping you get to the place you need to be - about helping you stand on your own two feet. You are right, the majority here don't get the ending they want. The key is becoming the best you can so that if the marriage returns or for new relationships, one is able to go in them stronger and better than the were before.