my wife can't decide (II)

[Vanilla]

Honey

That's not so good. Mildly put V.

It's a technique level 4 abuse called belittling. In parlance parent alienation through triangulation. Mouthful by V, means trying to put the children between you. Your lovely kids want to love and be loved by both their parents. It's hard on kids to be this way.

I want to go slap her with a kipper. (English speak) Tell her to wake up, whatever is been mum and dad is their stuff not for children.

Yes, it's time for boundaries and please please start a log of this.

So what is your boundary?

Are there any secondary ones?

What kind of reinforcement can you do?

V

[WillDo]

She is strange V. Possibly I came to stage thinking we have been good for a year and have been building up nicely a relationship. Just a hug not big intimacy backfired. She is in a seperate bed. I truly have difficulty. I read the MLC articles. Do what is there. Leave her alone. Read books. Now she is sleeping in a seperate bed. Ignores me.

Strangely though my twin girls got all of us to play cards. I had been playing with them a fee days in a row. They asked my W to join. W took them out to city today. And one of D asked why I wasn't coming saying poor you you havent been out of house this weekend. I did go out and spend my time but it is their instinct. I am so proud of my girls. Past 2-3 years I have been putting effort spending time with them. W noticed the changes (did what I learned here).

Back again. Relationships are mystery. We work on examples, methods.
Saturday she did D talk. She asked me to be logically and leave the house. She asked if she wanted her to call the police. I said go ahead do it. Then she went on about my ups and downs. Telling her about being rude about me to the girls. And asking her when see last saw OM and that I know she is having an affair is ups and downs. Then she said I was typical bipolar and referred to my sturggle with depression (my last episode was 8 years ago and pat myself on the back how I have been dealing the D crisis and working on my marriage). After that I sad yeah call the police have them section me. I am out of the house and in doctors hands. You will achieve a lot. She wants me to leave the house, sell other assests. Leave the mortgage to her (50% paid due my extra hard work where I got a better job. This has been why at a piont focused on my career. What could I do. I was made redundant knowing my wife is pregnant with my twin girls).


I will log about the boundries. My second one is OM contact. She just doesn't get contact is part of an affair. This is a person whom I caught my wife sending nude not revealng but nude pictures to him. She had said she had gone too far and apologies. Well. ontinued contact. celebrate OMs brithday. gave him a present. took a photo and sent it to her mother. she is a lair and manipulates people. And says I am dumb. She is the noblest and smarterest and entellectual of them all. She even gave him a book about love. She thinks I dont see these. Well I cant control her. I am getting a life.

[Vanilla]

Do not leave your marital home, deploying is not leaving or abandoning. Make it clear the MBR is your territory.

And leaving the house is not logical especially if your are in forces accommodation. It's a fallacy that men should leave their home, however men do have to be careful they are not side swiped. Accused of awful things because their spouse choose to trigger them. If anything untoward happens record it. This happens to women too of course. Just walk away and never react, keep your hands visible in an argument. And record have a recorder app on your phone always.

If there are ups and downs then it's reactive stuff not personality driven.

Being depressed is not being bipolar. Bipolar is a physiological illness not a mental one. It is not a personality disorder.
Even if you had bipolar, as long as you are stable and medicated then it's merely an illness and if dreadful you are still on active duty so there is a presumption it's ok. Its nonsense talk.

One in four men and one in three women will have depression at some time in their lives. You are in good company, here is a T shirt, join the club it's a big one.

Oh and join the almost one in two workers who have been dismissed or made redundant.

I think W is under the impression that she is entitled, nooooooooooo the world is a different place now. Both spouses are allowed their lives. The day is gone where the dependent spouse (and sometimes that is the male in a traditional M) is free loading for all their lives. As many SATP here report life after D is tough. She will have to work at some point. On the other hand the dependent spouses contribution to an M is equal to the main bread winner contribution. Not lesser. Children in my book come first.

So your W is a WW. Sending nudie pics is part of waywardness. Brazen even and open about it. Collect your evidence especially if your state is a 'fault' state. Judges don't like that type of behaviour, including FB or insta pictures of drinking and wild behaviour. One instance isn't enough although a pattern is.

Yes, GAL, activities with your kids are really GAL. Have a diary and in it each day write about your kids and what you have done with them.

Write like a reporter, unemotional and factual.

For instance WW and I discussed D in a conversation at 6 pm and she said "should I get the police to take you away". I said "no of course not"

Or

Today my daughters requested that I gonly with them....... I spent the day with my daughters going to xyz mall and we had pizza at.....

If needs be staple the receipt to the diary page. Use a bound diary and cross out any blank spaces or days you don't notate.

Or

Today my WW told me I was typical bipolar. As she isn't a diagnostic doctor I responded "in your opinion only, my opinion is different"

Remember when they talk about these things they are likely projecting. It's themselves they are discussing. So she says you are dumb? Projection. She says she is noble smart and intellectual?
That's a description of you. So when she says these things the response is "yout are describing yourself aren't you" response the dumb and on the other "well that's an interesting view of you"

I look forward to reading about boundaries for you. There isn't much you can do about OM although you can diarise the pattern and history.

V

[WillDo]

Thank you so much. I feel normal :-) I really do. I spoke up for maybe after a year now, and W still tries to out-speak me.

Yes, I had been keeping a diary of negatives. I will add my positives.

I'm in UK. So the legal sides are probably different. But not important right now. The kids are important.

[Vanilla]

I am in the UK too.

V

[bigybiz]

WillDo:

Thanks for dropping by my thread. I'm sorry I can't keep catch up on your sit right now. I've scanned the posts from Vanilla etc. I can't agree more.

Do not leave your home. Tell her (When she brings it ONLY). if she wants out of the marriage - she should leave. That was one of the best things I did.

In house Sep is the worst. We at first did this one day on one day off thing it worked - but I caved. I thought if we acted like a family it would bring her back.

I wish we had maintained the one day on one day off. She got to cake eat way to much during in house sep.

Whatever you do - do things differently. It really gives you confidence and strength. Shop at different stores, pack a lunch don't buy it, take a different route to work, if you wear jeans - start wearing dress pants, etc.

Trust me it works. It also gives you new things to talk about with people around you. It get's you a new head space.

I started baking, cooking, gardening. I took over everything my W did for the kids - if we needed pants hemmed I got my mum or the tailor to do it - Not her.

I got a motorcycle, etc etc.

Trust me change even the smallest thing. Do 5 push ups a day - in a month you will feel stronger.

Keep at it we are with you.

[WillDo]

Do things differently. Yes, thank you. Of course, if it isn't working, change your method.

Ups and Downs. I am questioning life more and more during the down. Maybe it is my bi-polar nature but it is the fact of life that things are sinusoidal.

My work on trying to save my marriage, brought in front of me many many methods.

Therapy; I first went to my previous doctor. Even took my W there. She felt that as a male doctor he was biased. Well at one point he asked her to give a chance for me to talk. In short; he told me to focus on my children, accept my mistake, draw a line and build up a new marriage.

Divorce Busting and MLC articles on the internet; showed me 180. don't fight. don't try to communicate. it is a phase. Spec. MLC.

Gottman; Really showed me the science and the positive approach. Still applying them.

All I want to be is Save My Marriage.

[WillDo]

She is sending my Whatsapp messages while in the house. I shouldn't do any contact should I? I am tempted.

[WillDo]

so strange I so much yearn for opinions. We all do. Such a forum where we look for answers. I am really thinking of apologiesing of what I said on Friday. I want to tell her that I simply want my kids to be proud of me. Others come out of anger.

Of course this reminds me what my terapist had said. Not to go into depression turn your feeling into anger.

[WillDo]

checked the rules. It doesn't say don't apologies. Maybe I can't be Not nice guy. In one day things derailed.