Sandi2 I read no Mr Nice Guy. I had tried to tell her not to be little me. And that I know you are havung an affair and my reminded my boundry of no contact. Increased level of lithium to cope.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
She kept on going on about Divorce today. She asked me to find another home and blamed me for making it into a dirty divorce by not co-operating. She even said she would call the police to get me out of the house. I told her to do so. I told her she was acting immature. She asked me to think straight. I told her that it is you who needs to think straight.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
Yesterday and today she is sleeping in a different bed. I do feel that she is being strange. She is being offensive but I am not taking it. No more Mr Noce guy. her makng a mock of me in front of the kids was rude. I told her that. Then I had to tell her that I still respect her despite an affair. She denied the affair and said she doesn't see OM. I asked when was the last time she saw him. She said she doesn't remember. But I do. I saw a picture of him and her having coffee and wesring the sweater she bought for him. Ans I saw the picture not on her phone. On his mothers phone. She sent it to her mother!!!! I kept quiet. I still am. Didnt tell her that. This morning she went oh I think I saw him before xmas. again I kept my intel to myself. And countless other things I found which I didn't tell since 2014. I worked on my change and I did change. Lost weight, decreased workload (missed a promotion), more involvement in house work, tried to take more risks even I felt bad, followed up on all sorts of taks. Watched out for kids needs, taking them to birthdays, afterschool classes. And I did these with joy. Was I not doing tbem before. I was but work was too much.
This time I feel content and really see no reason why I should leave the house, work with her on a divorce settlement. Why should I leave the family home? I am quiet. And to be more quiet and cope increased my lithium levels.
I said nothing wrong. I told my boundries. During sesiion she was told to dk adult adult cinversions. Despite all my well being, she treats me bad. Her choice.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
Wheb this crisis started 2.5 years ago. I took responibility. In Friday, I asked to be treated nice in front of the kids. And said despite the affair I have respect to her and want to continue to be there. I an bot askibg right or wrong. I want a stronger relationship.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
Let's just chat about boundaries. There is a wonderful thread here on boundaries.
Firstly a boundary is about you and what you can and will do. It is laying out consequences which you can enforce. In no way is it saying how another acts thinks or behaves. Consequences have to be enforced otherwise the boundary is just a dotted line on a map.
Al Turtle writes an amazing essay on boundaries mainly for young teenagers, it was the way I learned to have and enforce boundaries. I understood it from his writing.
If I may I will give you an example from my own experience.
At the time WH was not even a STBEXH and I was DB for my M
The following is a combination ofor phone calls and texts.
V: (T) I can't find the location of the bar I am supposed to pick you up from. Can you give me directions please.
WH: (T) you are so stupid that you can't follow simple directions? It's obvious where I am. I will call you
V: (Call) I am at Xy. Where is that in relation to the bar please?
WH: (Call) you are thick and idiotic, how the f... do I know? I will ask around and see if anyone knows that location.
V: (Call) OK.
WH: (Call) You are so thick that you don't know where you are. F.....g stupid woman.
V: (Call) Please do not swear at me.
WH: (Call) I will say what I want you fat bitch.
V: (T) if you swear at me again, I will put the phone down and cease to task to you. We will communicate only by text.
WH: (T) Suit yourself. I will get a cab back since you are refusing to collect me.
V: (T) I still don't know where the bar is.
WH: (T) P.... off.
V: (T) OK. From now on its text only communications.
WH (Call much later) goes to answerphone where are you? I am still waiting to be collected here. You stupid......
V: (T) Text only. I am no longer answering your calls. If you swear at me again then I will wait two hours before answering any textsuggestions in future.
WH: (Call to answerphone) it is obvious you don't give a f..... about me and are playing games so I have to walk home or spend money on taxis. You are hateful and selfish.
V: (T two hours later) I have now blocked your calls for one week. If this abuse continues I will do so for two weeks.
WH: (T) are you collecting me or not?
V: (T two hours later) I will collect you from z at 12:30. I will wait for fifteen minutes only.
WH: (T) I don't know if I will be there or not.
V no further response turns up at z collects a very drunk WH.
Eventually since the abuse continued I ended up blocking all calls and only responded to texts after 2 days.
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The boundary, I will not be abused was enforced by withdrawal of contact. In other words, you warn of the boundary and the consequence before you enforce.
My boundary with the Giggalo is still I will not be abused and if he does then I will have another non molestation order or a cease and desist.
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So in your sitch your boundary seems to be about what your WW says in front of the children? Can you explain to me exactly the behaviour or words you don't like? Ie define the boundary.
What are the consequences of infringement?
How would you enforce the boundary?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
She basically told them never find a boy friend like your father. He can't get anything right. That is belittling.
She would be warned telling how she is undermuning my relation with the children.
How can I enforce it? Only thing I can think of is getting the kids to stand up dir me. of course then she befriends them. Ok you. ot with me. Yoy sude wuth your dad.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
She basically told them never find a boy friend like your father. He can't get anything right. That is belittling.
She would be warned telling how she is undermuning my relation with the children.
How can I enforce it? Only thing I can think of is getting the kids to stand up dir me. of course then she befriends them. Ok you. ot with me. Yoy sude wuth your dad.
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
