The Summer of Love, Treasure and a Popup Tent.

[123Gwen]

Lou - I'm sorry I disappeared. Just kind of retreated but I have been thinking of you. I got all caught up and honestly I am so mad for you. Not at you but at H --- the idea of MLC and why they do or say things doesn't matter when it is your emotions that are affected.

You have been so positive and strong from day one. I was crsuhed but you just kept regrouping and looking for a silver lining. It was obvious that you would not let this hardship stop you from being grateful about something or someone each day.

You were strong from NZ to the UK and back again. You looked for the positive during apartment hunting, career searching and being a mom to your boys when they are at an age where you have little control but they can drive you bonkers.

You my friend are so much stronger than you realize and this has been a long haul flight through MLC. Let the grief wash over you and then scrub it off when you are ready.

You've come too far to get stuck. You bought a tent - I probably would have crawled into a box. You bought a tent! That is the action of a woman who is ready for adventure.

I am not being trite Lou. Your posts from the get go always resonated with me. Every line had a little hopeful word or action. You were always thinking about how to keep moving forward.

I know you want to move ahead with H but perhaps he will never catch up? Sounds like you are going to be okay because he may have helped you put up the tent but you were the one that read the directions.

I am sending you good vibes my friend. Stay strong.

[LouR]

Hey Gwen !! I have missed you so much, I will post on your thread shortly. Thank you for you lovely words, some times I don't feel I am doing well at all, but then someone posts something that shows me how far I have come ....so truly, thank you, it came at such a good time for me.

Its been a while since I posted an update, mainly because life just carries on and I just move through the days so have nothing much to write, but now my "friendship" with NG has gathered a little speed which I went along with but its now come to a point where I have to decide where I want it to go.

We continue to go for walks, then going out for a coffee was added in, next was ice cream and a walk around a park gardens, this week we went to a light festival and coffee and the week ended in The Mission Concert where the Dixie Chicks were headlining, NG managed to get us perky tickets through our work who supplied all the marquees and furniture. I knew the "friend zone" line was beginning to blur but last night kinda confirmed that we are heading in a direction I am not sure I want to. At the end of our non dates we started off just saying thanks and see you tomorrow, then it evolved in to a hug and kiss on the cheek - like I do with other friends - but last night he went in for the full kiss and I panicked and fluffed crazy waffle to get me out of the car as quickly as possible lol ....well it was not funny at the time but I look back and think, seriously how old am I !! The texting has become constant, he even texts me at work ...and we work in the same place??

The situation continues as a few weeks ago (when we were really in friend zone still) I agreed to go camping for Easter with him (separate tents), maybe I have been blind to what was going on from day one, or may be things have developed over time for him, but I am now in a situation that I am struggling with a bit.

His background is that he got divorced 10yrs ago and it was messy (dont know the details, but it badly affected him ....i can identify with him there ) and he has not had a relationship or even dated since, he could not bring himself to put himself out there. So to be "the first" when I am not fully healthy emotionally myself is a recipe for disaster and pressure on me to not be the one who hurts him....which is possible.

The other thing I am struggling with is that he is too nice ... yeah, I know, get a grip woman ...but he really is and I am not used to such attention, respect, consideration and kindness, its overwhelms me. My past life was controlled by someone else, then I got given control and independence and I have become fiercely protective of it, and now I am being asked to release a little of that control and let the guard down to allow someone else to make decisions and do things for me, I am having problems releasing that control.

On top of all that I dont "feel" what I think I should feel for him. With h it was an intense connection from day one for both of us and even now we click straight away when we have contact, which is why I have had to remove myself completely from his life, otherwise I would be completely stuck on moving forward from him. Don't get me wrong, I like this guy, he is good for me, we have lots in common, he is supportive and makes me laugh and the ego boost has not been a bad thing for my soul, but I am concerned that this is rebound thing, a distraction to keep my head away from thinking about h. The other thing that is holding me back is (and I will be honest, because this is all part of the new path I am on and may resonate with someone else) is the total fear of being physical with someone else - I am laughing as I write this, but its a real fear and ummmmmm how?? lol.

Nothing else really happening, work is going ok, I have had a couple of projects to keep me busy. I have had a pay rise which was a nice surprise, still not a great wage but every little extra counts. S20 has announced he and g/friend are moving out and in with her parents end of May, which was a surprise but it will save them money and they have made a payment plan to pay me back all that they owe (believe it when I see it!!). Unfortunately it puts me in the position of having to think about moving myself as I cant afford the house (I can but then I would not be able to save anything), I am still so unsettled and now with the NG thing added in I am feeling flighty, just move away and get out of this situation I have found myself in - but really its running away and not going to achieve anything and I could be walking away from a potentially great relationship ....sigh.

On a different note - the concert was great, I had a great evening, a few different bands but Avalanche City and Dixie Chicks were great and I feel so lucky to have been able to go - a new experience that is definitely going in the memory bank

Onwards and Forwards to Easter, 4 days camping in the mountains ....wish me luck ha ha

Love n Hugs to you all xoxo

[bttrfly]

hi doll.
been in my own head a lot so haven't posted but i too am following along.

where to begin.

well, no 2x4s from me on your interaction w/h. i get it and you were being true to who you are.

ng ... hmm. i think being open and honest with him is best. uncomfortable, but best and you can do it gently and kindly because that's who you are innately. specifically i would focus on these parts of what you said:

So to be "the first" when I am not fully healthy emotionally myself is a recipe for disaster and pressure on me to not be the one who hurts him....which is possible.

but he really is and I am not used to such attention, respect, consideration and kindness, its overwhelms me. My past life was controlled by someone else, then I got given control and independence and I have become fiercely protective of it, and now I am being asked to release a little of that control and let the guard down to allow someone else to make decisions and do things for me, I am having problems releasing that control.

leave out the 'you're too nice' part - we get it but he doesn't have to hear that. everything else, keep it on you, and you're golden.

I like this guy, he is good for me, we have lots in common, he is supportive and makes me laugh and the ego boost has not been a bad thing for my soul, but I am concerned that this is rebound thing, a distraction to keep my head away from thinking about h.

now, that would be a great conversation to have and would leave you feeling a bit easier in your skin.

if you felt like opening up more I would also mention the fear of intimacy with someone else. you just aren't ready yet and that's ok.

i don't advocate walking away, i advocate talking through it.

and poor guy - geesh, talk about gun shy. i get that.

Lou I also get the intensity between you and H and caution you about thinking you ought to feel that way in a new relationship. I'm not sure about that. Maybe not? Of course my experience is extremely limited to exbf and exh, but with exbf there was something that just kept me there until one day i realized wow, i really love this guy and that connection became incredibly intense, and truth be told, all these years later we still read each other with ease, despite not seeing or being in contact for decades. It's a bit to get used to. with exh it was instantaneous, but not the same as with exbf and i wondered about that in the beginning. I think different people elicit different responses from us, different is not better or worse, greater or lesser, it's just different.

Despite not being intense in the same way, i loved - ok love - my exh deeply. He is very dear to me, and always will be. I think now that if i met someone new, it would have to be someone very special for me to make time to share my life with them because i have way too much going on. But don't close the door because it's different. You'e a jumble of emotions right now and sorting through them is paramount. Give yourself the time and permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling and understand that being gentle with yourself is the way you will process this.

as always Lou dear, sending you much love and many blessings xoxoxoxoxo
{{{{{{{Lou}}}}}}}

[LouR]

Hi Everyone, I haven't been around the boards for a few weeks, geez I seem to have missed quite a bit! I will endeavour to catch up.

I have not been around as I have been in a funk, I don't know why, I have not really bounced back from when h left again, I can't even say it comes in waves, its just there as a constant way of feeling, so very tired and emotional.

I try very hard to get out there and GAL, I am social, I am moving forwards at work, even got a pay rise, I am even coming up with future ideas, yet this low mood and emotional turmoil does not want to leave me. I have grown weary of this whole situation.

I continue to hang out with guy friend occasionally; we are firmly in the friend zone and I feel more comfortable in his company now that has been established. We push each other to go places and do things, so for now we are doing each other some good.

Work is going well, a little too well, I have once again shown my abilities and have created a bit of a monster for myself, I still have a lot to learn but I get to be creative and play with the ideas I have to for the most part I am enjoying the job.

I have not heard from h,very quiet on that front, been 3 yrs since BD, 6 months since the second time. I now dread the day I do get something from him as all he has left to throw at me is D, I know its the natural progression, but while I am still struggling it will be another twist of the knife that will cause me more sadness.

Life with s20 is a challenge, his loss of licence means that I have had to step up and do the work runs, unfortunately he does not work the same hours as me so its been a little challenging both for time and my nerves!! I have taken the house back on as s20 and g/friend can no longer afford to pay all the rent and bills, so now we have swapped roles again and I have given him a year to pay me back what he owes me.

S23 is doing really well and is happy which is a blessing. He told me the other day that he is worried about me and wishes would move to where he is,which was really sweet of him. But he knows s20 needs the support right now and is not handling what his dad has done very well. S23 told me his dad life is @#$%ed up and he cant see that ever changing. Both boys have said that dad is their dad and that's it, they have zero respect for him, just use him when they want something - so sad that they treat him that way, but he bought this on himself.

So for now it just one day at a time, keep breathing and being thankful for bedtime.

Well must away, I am going to drive a bit of the Thermal Highway tomorrow, so I have to get up early. I hope everyone is doing ok and I will try to catch up with you all very soon - I dont feel I have much to offer you right now so don't comment much anymore, but please know each and every one of you are in my thoughts.

xoxo

[bttrfly]

Missed you bunches Lou. Glad for you that you and guy friend are pushing each other on the GAL activities. Glad you are enjoying work and they recognize what a jewel you are!

Yes, one day at a time and grateful for bedtime here too sister xoxoxo i understand the funk. you got the wind knocked out of you and it takes that dreaded word time to get your feet back under you.

sending prayers for S20 to find his balance in all this. it's so hard for the kids. breaks my heart every time.

sending prayers, hugs and love to you too my friend. i've truly missed you. xoxoxo

[LouR]

Hi Bttrfly,

Thank you so much for dropping by, I am truly grateful for the beautiful souls on this board.

I don't have anything new to update about, just thoughts that run through my head ..... which seems constantly atm.

NG asked to talk and eventually told me that the reason his marriage broke down and she left him was because he went to prison for a couple yrs. He did not want to say why, just that he had become a different person and for it lost his family and life and freedom. It does not change anything for me, I told him so, I know him as he is now and who am I to judge anyone else. However, since then I feel his neediness as a friend, (he has said that only a handful of people know his past and at work its only the boss) so as he now takes me in to his trust about other things. I am happy to be his friend, but I have found myself increasingly uncomfortable around him when I am uncertain about where his feelings for me actually lie - because while I have made it clear I am not looking for a relationship, he hasn't.

Work has been tough this week, my manager has been away and I have had to step up and that has shown me more capable than I wanted to give away, I even went to a client meeting and got the job which has now set myself up for bringing more clients in. This is not a big company so no room for promotion, so I know that I have just put myself in the position of being used and abused ....just like my old job. So I am thinking that I will let them use me so I can learn as much as I can and then look at moving on next year.

There has been nothing from h, I find myself waiting for the email to say he has filed for d so to expect the papers. I also find myself wondering why he has not done it yet, he has been gone 7 months; I understand the holding off last time as he was unsure and confused about what he wanted and while I was still a possibility he did not want to make the situation permanent, but what is his reasoning this time? He has made it very clear that he has shut the door on me/us its no longer a possible in his head, so why the delay, he can't marry his "forever" ow if he is still married to me!(I don't know that there is ow currently on scene but I am under the impression there is by a few comments the boys have made). Its my birthday this week, the past 2yrs he has been in contact, yr1 he was having problems with ow and was thinking he had made a mistake with us and yr2 was him working towards reconciling permanently. So what will yr3 bring ......my guess is on silence ......

Funk wise - yep still in it, finding that the tears are back, generally bubble up out of nowhere and dont last long. Mainly over sadness of missing him ....or maybe its not him, its what he bought into my life. The more I hang out with other people (especially men) the more I miss h, the intelligent conversation, his humour, his challenging, his hugs. I miss the little things he did to enhance my day. I miss my old life, what I had to what I have got now. Everything changed. But then some things have changed for the better - I am no longer so scared to step out of my comfort zone that I wont even try, I am financially independent and whilst I struggle to make ends meet some weeks and get stressed about the future, it does feel good to be more in control of things as that was an area that really did fail in my relationship. I have learnt to say NO to people and not feel guilty. I am still here, still breathing and despite everything he has done and said to me I still feel care and love for him, no hate or bitterness, so he has not broken me completely.

Here end'th my ramblings, its my day off so am treating myself to a duvet day, I have volunteered to cover some holidays and out of hours work to get some extra money coming in, so I really do value my days off at the moment and make sure that my day off is just that, no housework, grocery shopping or catching up with stuff, only doing stuff I want to do.

Love and hugs to you all xoxo

[bttrfly]

Happy birthday, Lou!!

So nice to have an update from you! I had a nap this afternoon too, speaking of duvet days.

I'm a little concerned that you're uncomfortable because you don't know his intentions. Is he perfectly clear that he's in the friend zone with you? Do you feel safe? Just checking. You know, you're one of my "peeps" so I'm protective, hope no offense was taken. I do think you're right to accept the person you know.

Yes, learn all you can, continually update your resume. Make it a regular practice every time you learn something new. Don't put it off because then it becomes overwhelming, and if something comes up, you'll want to be ready to move fast.

I understand the funk and the tears. Same here. The grief continues. But as you noted, they bubble up and then go away. Riding the wave. You've come so far just in the time I've known you. I'm so proud of you for feeling care and love. It's so easy to fall into hate or bitterness, but you're right - that's when they win. That's when you get turned into someone else, rather than being your true self.

I'm so glad you take care of yourself and honor that day off by treating it as sacred. Great update my dear. I miss seeing more regular posts from you but I am very grateful for the posts we do get. Love you Lou. Have a wonderful birthday. xoxoxoxoxo

[LouR]

Hey There Bttrfly,

Thanks for dropping by and the Birthday Wishes!

I'm a little concerned that you're uncomfortable because you don't know his intentions. Is he perfectly clear that he's in the friend zone with you? Do you feel safe? Just checking. You know, you're one of my "peeps" so I'm protective, hope no offense was taken. I do think you're right to accept the person you know.

Yes I feel safe with him, he is very respectful. I have made it clear that I am not looking for a relationship with anyone, that this is not about him as a person, its about any man who enters my life at the moment, I am not in a place within myself to commit to a relationship, I am still very much hung up on h. But what he is thinking is the unknown, he has never actually said he is not interested in me romantically, some things suggest no and others yes, and with most men (sorry guys) they keep what they are thinking inside and dont talk about it, unlike us women who chatter on about everything and anything! I work with him (closely) so I dont want to ask him in case it makes things awkward - my best option is to leave ha ha ha ha lol.

My problem lately is that when I am with people, particularly men, I am finding that I become uncomfortable in their company and I start to miss h more. I am also struggling to be around couples and listening to g/friends share their relationship woes - which I do listen to as that is what being a good friend is about.

Good idea about adding to my cv each time I learn something new, I will get on to doing that.

Love n Hugs xoxo

[Sotto]

Hi Lou, many happy returns to you and I hope you had a lovely day. Glad to hear how well you are doing at work, and take from it what you can, making sure you're not taken advantage of.

Nice that you have the ongoing friendship with NG, but at Bttrfly says, your safety is paramount. I think it the right thing to do to make your intentions clear, and if you feel you and he want different things - ie: he's continuing the friendship in hope it might develop - you can always cool things off..

Sorry you haven't heard from your H - and do try not to mind read. He may or may not file for D. Some MLCers just don't want to have to deal with the 'business' of D and are willing to carry on in limbo. Work on the basis of what works for you, and if the current situation doesn't, you can file, or not..but please don't give away your power to him, and remember that you both have choices here...

Take care Lou, let out the grief and peace and happiness will creep up on you and bubble to the surface.

Xx

[bttrfly]

and with most men (sorry guys) they keep what they are thinking inside and dont talk about it, unlike us women who chatter on about everything and anything!

THIS!
IS SO TRUE! And is sooooooooooo frustrating!

My problem lately is that when I am with people, particularly men, I am finding that I become uncomfortable in their company and I start to miss h more.

Is that the progression - uncomfortable, then missing h? I ask because it's the same here for me. What I have started to ask myself is, what is it exactly that I miss? Do I miss him or do I miss being with someone who knows me well? Do I miss the current person with his current traits or the person he used to be? Do I miss the intimacy of a long-term relationship? Am I uncomfortable because I'm scared of letting someone get to know me and getting hurt again? I've found that answering these questions has helped me with the grief process.

I am also struggling to be around couples and listening to g/friends share their relationship woes - which I do listen to as that is what being a good friend is about.

Yes, I feel the same, with a few exceptions.

xoxoxoxo