I happen to be on and agree with Cadet. You are seeking a magic bullet.
It isn't going to accomplish what you hope. I'm pretty sure you haven't read up on my sitch. It got worse, before it got better.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
But sometimes it's not over. Didn't the same thing happen to LITB? But he reconciled twice and is with her now. If it's true that they are all done at BD point, why are we all here on this forum?
Yes, sometimes they do come back. But we can't live our life on the hopes of them doing just that. Take my oft-used and well deserved butterfly analogy: think of your wife/marriage as the butterfly...if you squeeze a butterfly it will kill it, however if you open your hand and allow it to fly away, it may return to alight...or it may not. The gist is, we have to completely let them go. Completely.
They may return, or they may not. I'd venture to bet that a great many don't.
As for me, I'll repeat what the great Dawn70 said - I have too much pride and self respect to take someone back who cheated on me, lied about (lied multiple time over and over, even in MC), and tried to make me look like the bad guy in the whole situation, and who tried to blame me for it all. Never again.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
"It's crazy to continue to do the same things hoping for different results." I guess that doesn't apply at this point in my situation, right?
My dad and stepmom who are on their 3rd and 2nd marriages, respectively, are very concerned that W thinks I don't care, when I'm making no contact. Maybe by doing things like blocking me and my family from being able to see her profile on FB, she is actually trying to get at me, and get me to pursue her? Who knows? She could entirely just be set on breaking up, and just be hiding things from me so that I will leave her alone and not be hurt by things she might post. This is the hardest thing ever.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
How do you know, Cadet? Sometimes the DB techniques don't work, right? Isn't it possible that the techniques just aren't effective on some people?
I know because I have been here for almost 8 years reading hundreds of thousands of posts. Knowledge is Power and my suggestion is to learn as much as you can about the whys and how comes, then you will understand it better.
But sometimes it's not over. Didn't the same thing happen to LITB? But he reconciled twice and is with her now. If it's true that they are all done at BD point, why are we all here on this forum?
Yes, there is always hope that it isn't over. However, I can only explain to you why I am here still. I know that after my W filed my M was over. The reason I'm still here is to help myself learn how to pick up the pcs and move on. There still are a great number of people that on this forum that have been through what I am currently going through and can offer sound advice on how to handle my current sitch. I have used what I have learned on this forum and in Michelle's books to better myself and it has made going through this ten times easier. I'm not going to lie and say everything is all peaches and cream, but at least I am not where I used to be a few months ago. Hang in there man...minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
As for me, I'll repeat what the great Dawn70 said - I have too much pride and self respect to take someone back who cheated on me, lied about (lied multiple time over and over, even in MC), and tried to make me look like the bad guy in the whole situation, and who tried to blame me for it all. Never again.
If my wife has cheated on me (with at least an EA), which I do suspect, I see someone who made a grave mistake, and turned into a monster of hate out of their own guilt and pain for what they did -- someone who desperately needs forgiveness and love, for their heart to heal, because she was such a loving woman for all those years, tried so hard to be a really good wife, and because she didn't get what she needed from me. It's often not all of the cheating spouse's fault when they cheat. Sometimes we lead them to it. Are they 100% to blame for making the choice? Sure, but who set them up to be vulnerable to outside interests? Who didn't give them what they needed -- keep the love meter full -- despite continuous complaints about not getting what they needed? I am learning a very brutal lesson on listening to a woman when she voices complaints or desires. My dad tried to give me that lesson years ago, but didn't stress it enough. I just saw complaining. I didn't see a wife who was falling out of the marriage. I saw a content, usually happy wife that still acted mostly normal -- still exchanged love and affection and loving words with me. And then, boom. Stone cold.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Yes, there is always hope that it isn't over. However, I can only explain to you why I am here still. I know that after my W filed my M was over. The reason I'm still here is to help myself learn how to pick up the pcs and move on. There still are a great number of people that on this forum that have been through what I am currently going through and can offer sound advice on how to handle my current sitch. I have used what I have learned on this forum and in Michelle's books to better myself and it has made going through this ten times easier. I'm not going to lie and say everything is all peaches and cream, but at least I am not where I used to be a few months ago. Hang in there man...minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
Great explanation. I'm here much as you. And I find that posting in others helps me, too.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
It's often not all of the cheating spouse's fault when they cheat. Sometimes we lead them to it. Are they 100% to blame for making the choice?
Excuse me, but I will call BS on that one. That sounds like the WWS line. There is no way that we are responsible for those sort of actions. They know right from wrong and make the decision themselves. It's totally on their shoulders. Now, the breakdown of the marriage can be placed on ours, but not an affair. No way.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
The thing is, sure we could have led to the death of the marriage. And we can lead the horse to the water, but we can't make them drink. They come to that decision all on their own. They will spin their poor judgment to make it look like its our fault, but its not. Not this time, sir.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
