Next phase: Divorce and Acceptance

[Pax_luv]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2718158&page=1

Hello hello.

Another thread!

This time I'm a-ok with the impending divorce. I'm ready to get it over with, quite frankly. MLC or not, ex is quite vile and no man I would ever want to be with. So, I'm just moving right along and enjoying life to the best of my ability. Things are good. Thank God for lawyers.

Not much to report. Ex keeps putting in all these nonsensical motions so I literally have 3 court dates on the books in the next few weeks. My lawyer has asked him to drop them as they are frivolous and not relevant, but he wants to keep them because he plans on filing more motions and wants to combine them into these misc dates. Wtf? Whatever.

I'm good. 24 days left in my 60 day challenge. Still haven't had one shred of cheese! Boom! That's a win. I like my gym, and the distraction/effort it takes to be an active participant in the challenge.

I ran a super muddy and painful half marathon this weekend. I PRd. Yayyyy! That was awesome.

Work is going well.... And I'm just happy. No complaints.

Life is good. I think no contact also helps. Should have done this sooner!

Anyways, hope all is well in everyone else's neck of the woods. I'm reading along with many of your sitchs while I'm on my cardio machines, but it doesn't bode well for texting in replies. Sorry for being silent!

[Coly23]

You sound like you are in a good place Pax, so happy for you. It's just such a shame that your H has to act like such an a&&!!

[Pax_luv]

Hey coly! Thank you.

He is a jerk. Always was.... Especially with money. This was something that I knew, but didn't think I would ever be on this side of the battle.

It must be completely and utterly exhausting being him. In the last few years it's been a constant fight. Non-stop. And it's always around money. I'm not the only law suit he's involved in. He's also suing someone else. Honestly, that's not the life I would want for myself or my future children.

I think the challenge is, every time my lawyer sends him something, he just bites back. He's super aggressive. The bit has gotten old. I just want to say, "enough already! Go away!"

[Rouky]

Hi Pax you sound in such a good place and I'm proud of you. There is life after BD, and the most important thing is that we are finding ourselves back.

[Pax_luv]

Thank you so much Rouky. Xoxo

I'm not 100% in the clear as we haven't even begun negotiations and I know all heL! Will break loose when that begins. But I've definitely been able to detach. As the lovely Sotto says, his anger is his to own. He can be as punitive as he wants.... Doesn't mean he's going to get his way. I'm still looking for what's fair, but we're teetering the line with his nonsense. Lawyer bills are adding up. I can't share too much, but your jaw would hit the floor if you knew how crazy this was.

I feel like I've lost every ounce of compassion for him. He's a monster and I see how much of what he's said about me or Acted towards me is a projection on his part. From the dog, to the m, to everything else.... It makes so sense. I've learned to trust myself in this process and know that I'm a good person and his opinion of me is none of my business as he is irrelevant in my world. Adios amigo!

[job]

Pax,

I hear you! I know exactly what kind of nonsense you are dealing with. It's not pretty and you have to stay on your toes because of his monstering and the things he and his lawyer come up with.

[bttrfly]

Hi Pax. Congrats - I don't know what it means to PRd? Are you on an elimination diet (no cheese)?

I'm sorry you are dealing with someone who needs to be as nasty as possible in order to separate. I understand. I was married to someone whose idea of setting limits is going to war. I guess it doesn't matter why they are like this, the point is, they are and we have to just deal with the ugliness as best we can.

I'd ask your lawyer point blank how he thinks this is going to go and what you can do to minimize the financial damage of these endless stupid motions. I have to believe this is going to put the judge squarely on your side.

I'm so proud of you - it seems that you are getting stronger emotionally as you get stronger physically. That's great!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

[Pax_luv]

Hi Job- thanks for popping in. So was your MLCer uber rediculous, too? At first I thought he was just over-reacting to the fact that I wasn't going to sign anything without the proper disclosures presented first. But now? He's taken his anger and terrorism to a whole new level. Thank God in heaven that his nonsense now rolls off my back. I want to be faaaaaaaaaar away from his crazy. Trying to still dig for that compassion for him, and I'm hoping its buried somewhere deep within me, because right now I couldnt care less.

Hi Bttrfly- thanks for the support. PR is personal record. I ran the half marathon at a 10 minute mile pace which is really good for me. If it wasn't rainy and crazy muddy, I suspect i could have run faster. I guess I'll just have to run another one to find out!

As always, appreciate the feedback and support from this fine community!

[job]

Yes, my xh was over the top when it came to being ridiculous. He was fine in telling me what he wanted in the separation papers and when he was presented w/the draft papers (w/all of his "wants") he then blew a gasket and that's when the anger came into play and remained there for a very, very long time. Nothing pleases them when they are like that, especially when you are trying to get paperwork done properly. I got to the point where I just didn't care about him or his feelings after dealing w/separation papers for 2 years...by that time, I was more than happy to have the divorce happen.

Keep up the good work on your running. You are doing a great job!@

[ciluzen]

Pax! Way to go on the PR. You sound so strong...physically, mentally and emotionally. I guess that's a necessity right now, too. Becoming strong and showing it to the world. Especially as your H is spinning around trying to toss grenades your way and turn that world upside down and backwards. You've got this, though. You sound good.

[Pax_luv]

Hi everyone, Happy Friday!
Hope all is well.

Just popping in to journal and I also have a "what would you do" question.

I was supposed to be in court this week to comply with one of ex's motions to compel. It was an assanine motion actually..my lawyer had never seen anyone do this before. His lawyer finally dropped it at the 11th hour the day before court. Ugh. Thank goodness.

With that, no further movement on the D. We are having a hard time agreeing on a forensic accountant so there's no movement in finalizing the valuation of everything. Once that is done, we can move forward with negotiations.

All in all, I continue to be doing well. I recently was promoted at my job and took on a new bucket of work which is awesome! I LOVE it. I now oversee some of my company's wellness programs. Which is cool because it's something I've learned to embody over the last couple years. My goal is to be a role model for living and leading a balanced mind-body-spirit in the workplace. I owe my new reputation to DBing!
My 60 day fitness challenge ends next Saturday so I'm in the home stretch. I need to find something to fill the 6 week gap before the next challenge (yep, I'm going back for round 2!). Was thinking of training for another triathlon in May and maybe be ready for another full marathon in June. Must keep busy!!!

Ex's bday is next week and next week also marks 2 years since ILYB. It's unbelievable how time changes everything.

So my question.... He's still holding my dog hostage and the only way I can get access is to file a motion demanding him to share. Things are so uneasy right now and I don't want to rock the boat, but I am dying to see my pup. I have a fear that a judge will think I haven't worked hard enough to see the dog if I don't file and therefore will give custody to ex. (In my state, dogs are treated like children, though there is no formal law about mandatory sharing). Do I rock the boat and intentionally make things uglier in this D?

[ciluzen]

What do YOU want, Pax? This is your fur baby, right? Some things are worth fighting for without worrying about him. Your decision ...all you. His histrionics and legal motions aside, what is right for you?

[job]

I agree...what is it you want? Do you want to see your dog and have visits w/the pup? Then I would advise my lawyer that if your h doesn't allow you to see your dog by a certain time, you will be filing a motion. The message needs to get to your spouse that you aren't playing here and want to have some time w/your pet.

[bttrfly]

Yes, know what you want and go for it.
Let's face it, can it get uglier?
We have NO control over our WAS/MLCer. We have total control over ourselves and making sure our interests are best served.

File the motion is my vote.
xo

[Rouky]

As above do what you want. I miss my dog everyday, so I will say got for it.
Congratulations on your new promotion. You really sound in a good place and I'm so proud of you.

One thing I'm struggling is how can you not eat cheese? :-)
I come from a region in France where we have a lot of cheese. I'd die if I had to stop eating it! Over my dead body is what I would say! Hahahaha :-).

[Pax_luv]

Thank you all! Yep, you're right.... I MUST stop people pleasing just to keep the peace.

I know what I need to do.

Rouky.... Ohhhh the cheese! I would be in heaven if I was in your region. I am always looking up wine and cheese tours over there! It's been a rough challenge, but it's only me against myself and if I really want a healthy lifestyle, I have to try! I actually had an unhealthy relationship with cheese. In truth, I probably consumed a pound a week!!!! Not good for my health, but it's so darn good. I used to joke that I was made of cheese!

Thank you all again. Xoxox

[Coly23]

Just dropping by Pax to see how you are doing and to say that I agree with everyone else. What have you got to lose now by asking for what you want....

On the cheese front. I love cheese too but I'm embarrassed to say only the mildest cheeses will do for me.... :0)

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, I agree with others, in that if you would like to see your pup, I would calmly include those arrangements into the current process.

I guess the only longer term downside of this is that seeing pup would mean seeing your H. So, have a think about whether this will work for you going forwards. In my sitch, it has been beneficial not to see XH at all and I count my blessings for that...

Hope you're having a lovely weekend :)xx

[Rouky]

I'm going to join in with Sotto regarding contact with ex. I'm a way lot better when I have no contact with him, so like Sotto said have a think about it.

Lots of love xx

[ciluzen]

Do you have a "doggy daycare" type situation nearby? If the worry is contact with H, maybe you can have pre-arranged dates where pup is dropped there by him and then you come later to pick him up, or vice-versa. Then there is relatively no contact and dates/ arrangements can be done through e-mail.

[Rouky]

Hi Pax,

Just checking how you are.

[bttrfly]

Pax - you ok?
xo

[Pax_luv]

Hi there,
Thanks so much for checking in! I'm more than ok!

I've been slammed at work and all my personal time has been spent focusing on my 60 day fitness challenge. It wrapped up this morning. I'm sad, but intend to keep the regimen going and will be doing another challenge in May. I have more to give.... So I will give it. 😉 This last week, the diet was brutal as it was designed to give you the best "after" photo. It worked! I wish I could show you pics because I spray tanned like the body builders...i look like one, for sure! It was hard, but so worth it. (we all know that song and dance really well).

That's it... Been too busy to get the motion going for the dog. That is on the to-do list first thing Monday morning.

Other than that, things are well. Going out with my fitness team tonight. It's been a fun day of cheats so far- breakfast burritos, rolled tacos, doughnuts, Oreos, mimosas... And that was all before 7:30am. The splurge will continue tonight and I'll be back on track tomorrow.

Wishing you all a lovely weekend and thanks again for checking in! Xoxo

[bttrfly]

So good to hear from you! Wish I could see the photos. I bet you look terrific! Well done!! xoxoxo
watch out on the binge - after being so strict, sometimes the binge can make you sick xoxoxo

[pinn]

woot woot... nicely done pax!!! you sound excellent!

[ciluzen]

Sounds amazing Pax! Ditto on what Bttrfly said, though. I can only imagine your poor tummy, LOL!

[Pax_luv]

Thanks everyone! Tummy held up a-ok!

Feeling pretty grateful right about now. My (former) team took me out to happy hour this evening as a thank you for being their manager. With my promotion, I'm no longer overseeing this group of 18 women. We went out and had the best time! Honestly, I had no idea they actually appreciated all I did for them.... But now that I'm gone... All I hear is their gratitude. I'm a very supportive manager and I invested a lot of time in their ongoing development as individuals and as a team. It often took its toll, especially when I was trying to survive (literally) through bd and subsequent separation. The gifts, photos, and tears meant a lot. Management is a thankless job sometimes.

Earlier today, I was lamenting over the fact that ILYB was 2 years ago right after ex's 45 bday. If only I had known about MLC sooner! Truth be told, I'm glad I'm no longer with that man.... I would have never realized my potential and disposition for love and compassion had I stayed in that prison of doing things exactly as he wanted. What strange paths we must take, eh?

That's it for now- hoping to get some time to catch up on some threads soon!

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{Pax}}}}}}}

very proud of you!!!

[Pax_luv]

Hey all! Hope you're having a good week!

Non- update, update.

Got a large envelope in the mail yesterday. It was moderately thick. Immediately I noticed it was ex's handwriting. Weird how I haven't seen his writing in over 2 years but I could still spot it with precision. It was addressed to me in my maiden name with no return address. (Eye roll)

I didn't want to open it, but I felt it and realized there were several odd shaped paper items in it. I was guessing it could be tax forms, old marriage cert., birth certificate, other docs, etc. anyway, I opened it, and not knowing what it could be, I prepared myself to get a punch in the gut. In it I found that he had mailed me a few pieces of junk Mail along with my car registration renewal. Ok, it was nice of him to send me the renewal notice since he's not speaking to me.... But 5 pieces of junk mail??? I mean, overt junk mail. Yard services, coupons, etc. wtf?!!!? Clearly I've had way more junk mail in the last 4 months since ive physically seen him. Why these random things?

I made up that he added those pieces so he could give me the registration, but not just send the registration...but why?

I have to be honest... I was a little annoyed by the fact that he sent it to me in my maiden name ( was it passive aggressive or was it that he hates me so much that I'm not worthy of his last name?). Then, I was scared and nervous for what could be in the envelope. Finally, when I went through everything, I just had to shake my head. Whatever.

I don't get him and I don't feel anything for him anymore. I still get affected by him to a degree, but that's when my personal psychological safety is concerned... I'm still on high alert with our interactions. It's like living in an environment where a predator is always present. Just can't relax and let my guard down. I'm really over that sense of constant insecurity. I want this to be over soon so I can feel safe from emotional warfare. Too bad the end is not even near.


Other than that.... He's nothing to me and it makes me sad. Hmmm. I honestly tried to mull it over and tried to think if him sending me the registration was a good sign... Maybe there's secret consideration for me afterall? But no, I don't have it in me to think like that anymore. Again... Sad.

Hmmm... Just wanted to jot these thoughts down while I had a few minutes before going to bed.

[Coly23]

Hi Pax, that is very strange to send you junk mail. Maybe he didn't feel he had the right to dispose of it because it is addressed to you? I must admit if I got any for H I would just throw it away!

Addressing the envelop in your maiden named is weird and sounds a bit passive agresive seeing as you aren't divorced as yet.

Sounds like you are in a really good place now. This morning I squeezed my damp eyes shut and prayed to God to help me to accept my sitch and to give me the strength to get through it. Reading your post I know there is hope for that.

Have a good day Pax!

[job]

Pax,

I had a very similar experience with the junk mail and sending me mail that was redirected to one of five mailing addresses for my xh. In fact, he would put everything in a large envelope, address the envelope and then put it in my mailbox. At the time, he lived 90 minutes away. He would write nasty, demanding stuff on the outside of the envelope. Other times, he would send stuff to me via the mail and write nasty things on the back so the postal staff would see it.

As for the junk mail, I think it's his way of giving you info so that if you need help w/something you can call one of those junk mail advertisers and not ask him to do anything.

As for addressing things to you in your maiden name, yes, it's passive aggressive and in his own way, he's telling you the marriage is over and in his mind, he is already divorced.

Is your car registration in both names? If so, I would look into changing that so that your registration doesn't go to him again.

I do understand how you feel about having your guard up. He's clearly not happy and he is clearly sending you a message that it's over (at least in his mind).

They really do strange things when they are in crisis and you just never know what they'll come up w/next. You are always on high alert when this kind of behavior comes into play. Some do it and others don't...but I would venture to say your h is a conflict avoider and a passive aggressive individual, i.e., much like my xh.

[Pax_luv]

Greetings all,
Hope you had a lovely weekend. Just felt like popping in...

Things continue to be super busy with me so I'm not really able to post much. However, I am following along and am rooting for peace for all of you from afar.

On Thursday, I went to a taping of an Oprah special. I am a huge Oprah fan. When me and ex first separated, I dedicated every conscious moment to fixing myself. I basically memorized DR, journaled, went to therapy, etc. The only television show I allowed myself to watch was Oprah's super soul Sunday. I would record it, and watch each episode 2-3 times while taking notes on general learnings. Now every time I watch it, I'm reminded of my experience sitting on the floor of my apartment with itchy cheap carpet that gave me a rash, surrounded by my cardboard box furniture, dog by my side, trying to absorb everything while just sobbing away. For some reason, going back to that place emotionally is just humbling. I've come so far and I'm proud of it.

Anyway, once a year, oprah brings the thought leaders together and provides a day of lectures and it gets filmed. I went last year and also went this year.... Oh my, it just fills me up. I'm not sure if I can even reference what I just did on this forum (sorry Job if I broke any rules) but I wish I could share the learnings with you all. Ugh- it was so good.

One of the most interesting things to me is, these renowned speakers all were put on their path of enlightenment and spirituality after hitting rock bottom. They all had serious vices and all were given a choice point where they could go down one path or another. They all chose the difficult path that required a ton of work and rebuilding and all of them came out the side better versions of themselves.

"I took the easy way out and It's the best decision I ever made." said NO ONE ever!!!

I'm reminded of all of us here where sometimes we need something like the destruction of a marriage for all of us to truly rebuild our lives for the better. I personally can speak to this. I'm 3 times the woman I was back when this all started over 2 years ago and I'll continue to grow and be a seeker, a liver, and a compassionate human. I always promise myself to make an effort to never get complacent. I don't ever want to be the girl I once was. Sure, she had a charmed life.... House on the hill, fancy cars in the driveway, nice watch on the wrist. Sure there was financial value there, but no other value. I wasn't even valued as an individual with ideas and feelings. More importantly, I didn't value myself as an individual with thoughts and feelings that (heaven-forbid) were not in alignment with her husband or anyone else's. I will never, ever, ever put myself in that position again. Co-dependent no more!

I digress.

On an ex related note.... Last week was tough as I had to get my docs organized to prove that I was an active parent to my dog. It was emotional as I had to go through all our old text messages including all the spew. It's hard. I know I'm dealing with a monster and I'm not just saying that. I was married to the guy.... I know what he's capable of. I'm put into the position of being hyper-vigilant which is the complete opposite of how I want to live my life. I'm not sneaky... I'm a law abiding citizen and I'm fair and just.... And I'm in a situation I don't want to be in, but I have to be in it for now. Ugh.

I'm bouncing all over the place. Apologies for the flow. I hope you all have a great week full of love and laughter!
Be well.

[bttrfly]

no worries. overall you sound great. i know the ex stuff is a drag. remember it's not forever. this is a phase in your life, it doesn't have to DEFINE your life. But Pax, you already know that! {{{{{xoxoxoxo}}}}}

[Pax_luv]

Hi DB fam! Hope you're well.

Had a few dips this week in regards to ex and my failed marriage. The beautiful part of this is, I'm very grateful that the dips continue to get shallower and shorter.

A few days ago, I couldnt sleep so I got googley in the middle of the night. I googled my marital home to see if anything new was going on with it. Ive mentioned ex is a snake so I wouldn't be surprised if he tried something shady. I've said that before...... But I don't underestimate this guy. I've seen him in action. Google earth had a new pic of the house and in the driveway in my parking spot was a little black sports car. All his other cars were there so I don't know what/who's car this is.

No mind reading..... But of course the thought of him moving someone in went through my mind and she is better than me in all areas of my life. She's smarter, prettier, more successful, makes more money than me (a HUGE deal to ex) and he is the happiest he's ever been, and he loves her, and she's living my life with my old friends and they all like her better than me.

Clearly, my imagination took over and I spinned and cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I woke up, got out of bed and was so thankful that those sinking feelings had dissipated over night and I was back on track. That by far, is the greatest blessing.

I'm supposed to have a court date on Wednesday. Everything was supposed be wrapped up by now, but we still haven't started. I'm not sure if I'm going to have to show up or if it's going to get rescheduled. Either way, I did get really upset about picturing myself in a court room to finalize this. It's very surreal.

Other than that, things are good. My job is fantastic, I'm in the process of booking a getaway, and I start another 60 day gym challenge may 1. Looking forward to getting stronger- mentally, physically, and emotionally.

That's it for now. Onwards, friends. Enjoy the weekend!

[Pax_luv]

Hello lovely DBers,
Just popping in.... Per usual I continue to read along when I can, but feel i have no value to add to the convo. It seems like all the posters are in uncharted territory for me. I swear, I feel like I'm the only one who's ex hasnt shown any confusion or hesitation. truly, I think its more ego than anything. he may have felt something, but I'll never know.

So, today I started my next 60 day challenge. Again, it's a structured diet, with workouts, and team events. It got to me a bit because it's a big commitment. Really, the whole thing is about dedication and ones ability to delay gratification. It had me thinking a bunch about the marriage and i had to think, there's no way even the old h could do something like this. Even though it's 60 days and it goes by so fast.... He never showed me that he was willing to sacrifice anything. It all had to be instant gratification based on what he wanted when he wanted it. He wrote people, places, and things off quite frequently.

So all that thinking led to a night filled with dreams about him. I swear, my 6 hours of sleep consisted of tiny naps of various h dreams. One where we reconciled, one where he murdered someone and it was so hard because I felt like I could help him and prevented it, but I didn't speak up. Then there was another one where he was really nasty to me and his girlfriend wrote me a letter about how he belongs to her now. So crazy! It was an exhausting nights sleep, that's for certain.

So... Honestly I do have a little anxiety about what's to come. obviously! Things are starting to get moving legally. FINALLY! Ex's L made a comment to my L that reflected that he was being a little unreasonable with her too. That makes me feel a little better. Not sure why.... I guess I just need tiny nuggets of validation that proves I'm not crazy or nasty or vindictive or spiteful.

Ah well... Life continues to move forward. Next month marks 2 years of separation. I really did underestimate the time this all takes. Strange how in the beginning, we pray for more time and if you're like me... You got on your hands and knees to beg God for more time. Now, I just want this to be over so I can feel free again. I feel like myself, but I still have some ties I need to sever. He still continues to hold me down. I don't wish him any ill will.... I just him out of my life.

Anyway, that's if for now. Wishing you all a peaceful week.

[Pax_luv]

Hello. Wishing you all a lovely weekend.

It's a little dreary in my neck of the woods, so my morning plans to go hiking with some friends got derailed. The good news is, it's 9:30 am im still cozied up in my warm bed.

Been doing a lot of reflecting the past few weeks. I've felt a shift that has left me questioning if now I am the one rewriting history when it comes to my failed marriage. From my current vantage point, it's almost seems like nothing was good in it! Or maybe I'm just extra grateful for the peace and calm and stability that I have in my life now. Either way, I continue to mull it over, dissect it and extract the learnings, and continue to move forward.

I listened to a podcast this week and I appreciated this woman's perpective. she referenced that when we tell stories from our open wounds it's not as authentic because there's tons of messiness in it. However, when we tell our story from our scars, we are able to be more honest with ourselves. I loved this! I feel like here I am 2 years post BD and I'm able to see things much more clearly as that pain isn't as present. Yea... It's takes time for scars to fully heal and I'm not there yet... But I feel well on my way. Thats a blessing! I genuinely feel joy again and I am able to recognize it. I had it once and I unknowingly let it go dormant in me while I catered to my ex and his neurosies for many many years.

My other reflection lies in dating. So, I'm 2 years post BD and 1 month out from 2 years separation. Still not divorced and it's an ugly divorce. While I don't have time to date per se... I still want to put myself out there as a means to get more confidence in myself around men. While I am A-0k, I have yet to fully learn the art of detaching and walk around without a fear of potential rejection from men.

I'm dealing with the fact that I have a major crush (yep I said crush) on this guy and I'm not sure he's that into me. I'm not going crazy trying to pursue him or get him to think otherwise. It's ok if he's not into me. I'm really trying to practice everything I've learned about holding my own while knowing that I'm enough.... BUT... I also deal with the fear of not being enough for someone else <----- this is what I need to tackle next.

Our old MC tried to engrain it in me that I will never be enough for my ex. And while I get her point in doing that.... It leaves me vulnerable to feeling like I'm not going to be enough in my future romantic endeavors. This is why I need the practice!

So with that, the learnings and explorations just keep coming! So much self-help can be exhausting at times, but the investment is well worth it!

Enjoy the day, every one!

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, glad you are doing okay

Just a note on the 'am I enough for...' - probably you have already dug into some of the Brene Brown work? She very much looks at this area and I have found her work really helpful.

It is a work in progress for me, but I am realising the only person I need to be enough for is me. If things don't work out with another person, that doesn't realise I 'wasn't enough' for them - maybe the mix just wasn't right, or they had stuff going on - or whatever.

But I do think feeling 'enough' yourself - without another person's validation - is so important. Then, we are in a good place to start a healthy relationship....

Sounds like you are making good progress towards that. With the guy you have a crush on, I would say be light and friendly - and open to coffee etc?? Is he in a good situation personally?

xx

[pinn]

Hey Pax,

Sounds like you are still killing it with your workouts!! Keep on getting it! I ran a half today that didn't go so well... but at least I did it! I am sorry things are dragging out so long.

Funny what you mentioned about ourselves re-writting history. I wonder that about myself as well. Since so much time has passed now, I honestly have trouble remembering what was real and what wasn't anymore.

I also don't feel like I am 'enough', or I didn't. It is hard because I already didn't feel like enough in my relationship and that was obviously amplified on BD day. I worry about it but I have put much thought into it the past 2 years. It is definitely something I have to work on in my next relationship (either with WW or with someone else). I feel like it is a feeling I can recognize much easier now which makes it easier to work on.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I understand what you are feeling. Though I am jealous, I think you should try and send little feelers to feel your crush out. Nothing wrong with that at this point I think.

I like Sotto's questions.. what is his deal personally?? Good situation?

[Pax_luv]

Sotto, thanks so much for your feedback. Always love hearing from you. I'm obsessed with brene brown! Through all the internal work I've done over the last two years, it's almost like I'm hyper aware of all the dynamics that present themselves in everyday interactions and in doing that, I know im not "letting things be." It's weird! It's kind of like Ive gone to the extreme in my awareness and now I'm overthinking everything again!

Pinn! I've missed you, buddy! At least you ran a half... That's a win! I have another full coming up next month. ps- today marks the 1 year anniversary of my very first half! I made that effort thanks to my DB coach and now I'm getting ready for my second full!!! This journey..... You just never know where it will take you!
Pinn, I hope you are ok and things are peaceful and stable!

So to answer your question about my dreamy man. He is super top quality. I feel not up to par with him. I was a bit evasive in my previous post so here's some more info....

We work for the same company, but different departments. Met him a year ago in July and was instantly taken by him. We end up being a part of the same happy hour crowd and hang out in a group setting several times. I like him so much that I just go silent and get nervous around him... It's hard for me to even make eye contact! Turns out we also live(d) in the same complex and we start to build a friendly relationship though it's just that. I was thinking he may be in a relationship.... In January of this year we all go out for drinks and that's when he tells us that he's taking a year long project out of state and he's leaving in March.

The next week, he asks me out. Turns out he wanted to ask me out for a while, but was afraid to ask for my number... The reason he even got it was because we were all on a group text for our recent outing. He told me he couldn't leave without taking the opportunity to get to know me better.

On our first date, we went to a brewery and closed it down. From that point on, we kind of were inseperable but developed our "relationship" slowly. We built on our friendship and kind of were dating even though we knew he was leaving. Again we took it slow, and it was GREAT! He asked me what I wanted to get out of this and I told him that I had no expectations. Truthfully, I was just enjoying the company and appreciating the connection that we were forming.

So after a short 2 months (and after seeing eachother about every day) he moves 2,500 miles away.

He comes back to our home office every few weeks and when I see him, he still gives me butterflies. We catch up and pick up from where we left off. I should note that we do not have a physical relationship during these brief meetings. It's too one-night standish for me.

So, as of now, I'm trumping it up to a great fling, but I still like him. We do not talk every day. He mentioned a couple times, "you could come visit if you want." But I'm not sure he's that into me. I'm used to men being pursuers and I'm not getting that with him. We were together for such a short time so we really didn't have a "relationship" and it wouldn't even make sense for either of us to have a convo about it being more serious.

So... My insecurity lies in the fact that I'm not enough for a guy that I really like. Even though he says I could visit if I want, he doesn't come out and say "I want you to come visit." I end up overanalyzing everything, but just want to play it cool.

Ok reading back my synopsis, it reads like a 13 year old.... And that's precisely how I feel.

I just want to let it be, but I dont know how. I'm not attached, but I still want to practice detachment. And again, I keep telling myself that he's just not that into me for a multitude of reasons. He said he likes me tons and I make him fluttery.... But that's that!

See, I shouldn't even be analyzing this because he doesn't even live here! Ok... I'm done.

[pinn]

Damn Pax… your fitness goals never cease to amaze me. You are an inspiration for sure. You always go and get it… the future Mr. Pax is going to be a lucky man.

Haha… yea that is a bit more involved than I thought. Good for you though! This fella sounds a lot like me. Seems to be really laid back. I would have behaved just like he is in the past to be honest. It is one of the issues WW had, and I understand now how it can come across. If I was in this same exact situation… I would also say… “you can come visit if you want” rather than “I want you to come visit”. Even if I was very, very interested. Why would I do that? I am not sure. Maybe it was a fear of rejection? If I say you can come if you want, then there is no direct answer required from you but I feel like I asked… haha if that makes any sense. If she doesn’t bring it up again then she must not want to come. Now I sound like the teenage boy! This is something I am working on in general but I just wanted to share with you one perspective. He might be quite interested and just have the same personality as me.

You sound great though… keep it up!

[Pax_luv]

Hi Pinn... Haha......Yeah, probably gave out too much info, but I'm glad you are able to provide perpective. Thank you!!!

So, at the end of the day, I've just done a ton of reflecting.

I've asked myself if I really do like him or just the idea of him.

The thing is, I like him a lot and that's very unusual for me. So, my automatic response is: there's no way he can be into me. I'm undesirable, I'm not good enough for him. He's just a quality human and I may not be of the same quality.

This is co-dependent thinking, but I'm not co-dependent on this guy at all whatsoever to provide my valididty.... I just feel like this is a case study to get my hands dirty and I need to figure out why I don't feel like I could be enough.

So, I'm just gonna lean back and let things happen as they may.... I Greatly enjoyed this guy's company and I'd like to incorporate another male relationship in my life. I think it was so great because there were no expectations and it all happened quite unexpectedly.

It just feels like it's time to continue to get my hands dirty as its all part of the learning process.

[Pax_luv]

Ps- He's in Maui... So yeahhhhhhI would probably jump at the formal invite!

[pinn]

Wow feyth... sometimes we are too similar. I am glad you are able to recognize that co-dependent thinking so you can work on it.

I was taking an MBA class right during bomb drop time (the final was three days after BD eeck). It was about objectivity but it was a really small class and it was basically a psych class. So you do a lot of reflecting and thinking. You meet with the professor one on one to try and figure out what your 'mental model' is so you can identify it and see how it affects your life. So we meet and we start talking... am I a perfectionist? naw... not really. Am I controlling??... nope. Am I in constant competition... Can't say I am. Do you think that you are not good enough, limited and have trouble accepting yourself? Wait a second... we might have something here! I never realized it until I had that conversation with the professor.

I think that once you see that that is an issue... then you can really work on it. Seems like you are there and I am getting there. But it is hard to not feel that way sometimes. It's like you feel that way and you have to tell yourself that it is not true, but you still feel that way. I don't know, it is weird. I am sure your H and my WW did not help matters much in that regard. I try to figure out where that mind set came from but cannot pin point it just yet. But just knowing that is only a mindset is really a huge help for me.

Well I hope you get to go to Maui!!

[Pax_luv]

Hiya Pinn,
Thanks for sharing your experience from your class. Yep- definitely something to think about. Truthfully, Im not sure where my "not good enough" mindset comes from. It might have developed through my relationship with ex. I mentioned it in an earlier post where the mc was trying to engrain it in my head that I would never be good enough for ex. I don't remember what ideoosyncrisies I had before I got involved with ex. I mean, I met him when I was 21 so i probably didn't have a firm grasp on who I was at all.

Fast forward to today, and I don't know if it's residual PTSD, not recovered from the severe rejection or what. This is going to sound really conceited, but from the outside, I bet most people would have zero idea I felt this way. I'm a confident, independent woman, well spoken, educated, good job, totally solid with the exception of the ongoing d, involved in the community, former pro cheerleader. I strive to make myself and the people around me better. I lead with love and compassion. On paper, Ive got a lot going for me. Seriously though, I don't feel worthy when it comes to men. I'm working through all my internal gremlins and I hope there comes a day when I can say- Hey- this guy that I'm really into..... He's lucky to be with me (and I'm lucky to be with him).

I have to be honest here. I think my ex messed with my mind big time. Like hugely! The more removed I am from the sitch, the clearer I see it. The other day I was talking with the paralegal as she had to go through 90 pages of text messages between ex and I. She said to me, " oh my god.... He's so manipulative!!!" She was stunned. I was not expecting the reaction I got from her. I actually feel bad because ex is quickly getting the reputation of being an awful human being. He's not a good guy.

I don't think anyone realizes the prison I was in.... Hell, I didn't know the prison I was in and I was fighting with my life to stay in that. How messed up is that?! <= but this is the stuff i can't talk about in a public setting because it makes me look like the crazy, bitter ex. I wish people knew more of the backstory. Maybe it would help me process it more, too. I never did share too much because I was fighting for the m and I would never air our dirty laundry or show him in a bad light.

Anyway, another late night and I'm rambling along. Ugh- just so much work to be done with myself still. I've said it before, but man oh man is self help exhausting. I wish i could be ok with complacency....ha just kidding!

[pinn]

Ugh Pax... I hope you can over come that insecurity that was the result of your relationship. You seem to have everything together and seem like a great person. I hope you see that.

I am kind of in a similar spot. I have been entangled with WW since I was 17 so, like you, that relationship has affected how I see myself and how I have projected myself. I guess the good news in all of this, is that we have figured how the relationships affected and changed us. So hopefully something that is we can work in the future.

Hope you had a great weekend!

[Pax_luv]

Hi Pinn,
Thanks for that....i guess I'm starting to feel impatient as well and am just ready to move on and feel good in the company of men again. I'm decent company by myself and I'm ready to graduate to relationships outside of me, though I still have lots to learn. Ohhhh these feelings.... They never end!


So, just journaling..I kind of have a question that I just want to put into the universe. Though, I also already know the answer.

It's literally been 4 months and ex has finally agreed upon a forensic accountant to go through all the financials. That should start moving along soon. With that, there's a painful twinge in my gut that has me questioning if she (the CPA) is going to uncover the truth or if ex was cunning enough to cover it up. I know with certainty that things werent always as they seemed. Ex made great efforts to ensure things looked different on paper vs actual reality...especially in regards to finances. He was quite proud of his sneakiness, actually, and said it was "to protect us." I trusted that man with every ounce of my being.

I found myself drafting an email to my lawyer to see if the CPA could potentially bring these discrepancies to light, but stopped halfway through because I've been standing on my integrity this entire time... Why throw him under the bus now? Plus, even if I knew a fraction of what he was doing, could I be seen as an accomplice?!? That certainly was not my intent at all. Was he doing this with our personal finances as well? I have no idea the extent. Truthfully. The money was such a mess, there's no way I could get my arms wrapped around it... Which is why we're now having to pay more money for a forensic accountant. Go figure!

I just get sick thinking of it. We have to do this to get an accurate representation of a few things, but what if the truth still doesn't get revealed and this whole mess ends up being for nothing and he just has more ammo to hate me?

My intent was to sit back and let things surface without any influence from me. And so far, they have. This financial piece right now is the scary part. I guess I just have to have faith in the process. Whatever is supposed to happen, will happen. yeah??

Alright, that's all for now. Be well, everyone!

[ciluzen]

Hey, Pax! I love playing catchup with your thread when I hit the boards. I wonder if you even come close to realizing how much stronger you've grown from when you first joined? You've really challenged yourself physically and mentally and it has made you strong...and inspirational. Even your voice in your writing is stronger.

So, with that said...on to your question.

"I just get sick thinking of it. We have to do this to get an accurate representation of a few things, but what if the truth still doesn't get revealed and this whole mess ends up being for nothing and he just has more ammo to hate me?"

Let's start with the first part..."I just get sick of thinking of it". Then try not to. Easier said than done, I know. But you know your "try" is 10 steps above most people's at this stage, you queen of the physical challenges you! You've hired a forensic accountant; trust her to do her job. She specializes in all of the tricks to hiding things...he doesn't.

"What if the truth doesn't get revealed...". What if? Then he's smarter than a forensic CPA and better than most at hiding assets. You were married to a first class Lex Luther grade evil genius. Then you really shouldn't feel bad over not seeing his true nature...he's good! Or...you find out other info that just makes you realize he's just a flawed human being who was desperately trying to control his finances just to have something to control that was partly within his power. But that's her job to uncover; leave her to it.

"He just has more ammo to hate me". < This is the one that concerns me. At this point in the sitch, given your concerns about him hiding assets and you being ready to see others, why would you worry about him hating you for trying to find out the truth to the financials when it is in your best interest? Pax...this is a business deal. Nothing more. That's what the big D is. Ls, papers, and courts. His feelings FOR THIS PROCESS are inconsequential. If you choose to still stand for the R, the business deal part is completely different. I throw that R thing in because, well...I hear that tiny voice in there hoping that this man you married isn't really the person that everyone tells you he is and that you are seeing right now. Its true...as I've said on my thread...stress and desperation can make people do strange things and become different people. Helloooooo MLC! Or any other breaking point.

You are strong, don't doubt that. You've proven that on each thread with your toughness in overcoming the mental and physical challenges. So, be tough and let the experts do their thing. What will happen, will happen, as you say. Things will drop into place like a big game of Tetris...all you need to do is nudge things a bit to make them fit better. Push the feelings aside, turn up your music, and exert yourself in a different area...let the CPA do her thang. You've got this.

[Pax_luv]

Ciluzen! Thank you so much stopping by and for your thoughtful response. It means a lot. I was pleased to read your recent update about your situation and I hope you are feeling comfortable and at peace! I love that you were able to do some planting as well! On a side note, I recently developed a friendship with a horticulture therapist and I love speaking with her about the therapeutic properties of being surrounded by plants, gardening, etc. I'm obsessed with edible gardens (veggies, herbs, etc) and have recently spent time on some farms harvesting my organic produce. It's so awesome!

So, yes, you are right to be concerned about my statement about me not wanting ex to hate me. I definitely have to work through that. It stems from the fact that I'm afraid of him and his retaliation. I also have to work on not caring so much about what other people think of me. I've always struggled with this.

Today is a weird day. It is the 12th anniversary of me and ex's first date. Of course I got all the lovely reminders on FB as it was something we always celebrated. Also, tomorrow is my dogs 6th bday . We thought it was cool that they were back to back. Ps- court date for the dog sharing is not until the end of June. Again, this is an intermediate motion outside of the D so it will be addressed again when that gets sorted. Booooooo. I miss that pup so much.

Been really busy with work and my workouts. I read here every night as I go to bed, and I can usually get through one or 2 updates before zonking out, but don't usually get to post.

Anyway, have some fun plans this weekend with the gym and I have a philanthropic dinner supporting one of our local community farms on Saturday. then I'm meeting with my community leadership group on Sunday. Also, I can't wait to have a few hours to myself to actually do laundry and dishes. That's the downside to my current schedule. I have no time to organize myself as I'm gone from 8a-9p every day. I'm a hot mess!

Alright, that's it for now...got to go eat my 6th meal. Have a lovely rest of the week, DBers!

[Pax_luv]

Hello DBers.....

Hope you are enjoying a lovely Monday- Memorial Day. Today we honor those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in Protecting our country. I'm acutely aware of this "gift of the present" I've been given and took a few moments this morning to reflect on the meaning of Memorial Day. It's nice to truly create space to think about these things. It's not something I used to do. fortunately, as a result of my hardships, life has more meaning to me now. I'm definitely not the girl I used to be.

With that, memorial day used to be a big to-do for me and ex. It was the unofficial kick off to summer and we would often have a bbq and pool party. We would grill all day long- starting with breakfast burgers. Such a distant memory now.

Had a busy morning today. Worked out for 2 hours then had a community leadership meeting. On the way back from that meeting, it would have been shorter for me to take the route that would bring me past my old house. I had no interest in even getting a glance of it so I took the long way home. Was actually proud of myself!

Yep. Yep. Life goes on. I got a bill in the mail from my health insurance. Ex had a couple appts and needs to pay some extra on some services not covered. Technically he's still covered on my plan so that's why I got the bill. Seems like he's had a lot of appts lately. Though it's confidential and I have no idea what they are for, my initial gut had me feeling bad for him that he was going though something that required medical attention......... Meh..... But then I thought maybe he's just trying to get everything out of the way before he has to get his own coverage. I'll never know!

So, that's a non-update! Just movin along. Must focus on my marathon this weekend! Woop!
Hope you all have a good week!

[Pax_luv]

Hi DBland,
Feeling like a whiny little baby right now so I'm coming here to release (aka vent it out).

I have a really crazy work schedule right now. I've had back to back events every week and I don't have a break until August. It's my busy season. With that, it's tough to maintain the balance between my professional responsibilities and personal endeavors. I'm managing, but it gets demanding at times.

Today, I woke up sick (fever, sore throat). I knew I was coming down with something but was smug enough to believe that I was gonna fight it. I was wrong.

Worked 13.5 hours while sick in preparation for a major event tomorrow. As I was in the car leaving my office, I had a complete meltdown because I just feel so alone. More than anything, I wish I could have someone in my corner who is rooting for me. Someone who understands how hard Ive been working and is just there to give me a hug. I just want someone who cares for me and my wellbeing and is there to offer a hand even if I don't ask for it. Someone who will bring me soup because they know I'm not feeling well. I dont want to feel like I need this.... But I do want some intimacy/connection. I miss it and I haven't had it in so long.

Maybe it's because I haven't seen my dog in forever either, but it's so nice to come home from a long day and be greeted by someone who is just happy to see me. I miss it.

Honestly, I didnt have that with ex. I would be so happy to be home from a long day at work and I wouldnt even be acknowledged until he finished his video games. That's not an exaggeration. He couldn't be bothered by my presence while playing video games. And he always was playing them when I came home----- teenage MLC behavior.


So, I guess that's it. I don't want to be strong right now. There's this sense of just wanting to fall, but know there's no one there to catch me. I Just want to be and be accepted for being. It's hard being strong all the time.

Ok- that's if. Vent over. Thanks for listening. I'm just gonna cuddle up in my blanket and finish up my work.

Be well.

[pinn]

(((Pax))).... i know how you feel . Keep your head up. Hope you feel better!

[Pax_luv]

Thanks, Pinn! Hope you are enjoying paradise!


I'm feeling much better and am back on even footing. Whew! It was a crazy busy week, and per usual, I am grateful for GAL and the distraction.

So yesterday, I graduated from my 9 month civic leadership program. Gosh, that was an amazing experience and I'm grateful to have forged many avenues to continue to be in public service. I am now trying to think about executing the next steps- 1) I'd like to join the board of a non-profit and 2) I have the opportunity to serve as a logistician of a few global health medical missions. I've been asked to shadow a mission in Jamaica in October. Mentally, I've committed, I just haven't said yes to the director. I'll let him know when he comes back from his current mission. I'm secretly super excited about this. It turns out that my work schedule is wide open for the trip.... So maybe it was meant to be!

Today, im just resting and carb loading for tomorrow's marathon. I'm sooooo nervous, but am excited for the challenge. It's just another test to see what I'm made of.

So that's about it! A few things have irked me about ex, but honestly, it's not even worth discussing here. That man ain't worth my time.

It's been a month since I've heard from my man crush.... Meh... That was a learning experience. I wasn't really thinking of him except for the fact that I just finished watching He's Just Not that Into You on tv. That movie is always on when I need some reflection time! Ha!

Wishing you all a restful day. Xoxo

[Pax_luv]

Hello DB friends,
Hope all is shining in your worlds.

Things have been goin well for me personally. It felt about time for the MLC monster to rear his head and ruffle my feathers. Well, it happened, and he did not disappoint! Can't go into details, but, I just got off the phone with my mom and had a good, good cry. the divorce is so-so ugly. So many lies and un-truths. So much more "fighting" to endure.

He will stop at nothing to ensure that I walk away from this with $0.00 and without my dog. And because I'm simply defending my stance for fairness, I'm the greedy, stubborn one who won't give in and am dragging this out. It's absolutely crazy-making.

Next week marks 2 years of separation. Theres so much time and space between us that I seriously question how he could have so much hatred for me still. What have i done? Nothing, except fight for a fair settlement. Does he even remember the initial reason for divorcing me? Other than the fact that he didn't love me.... And that's on him.

Just putting out my thoughts. I really have no words for what I've just endured, but do have questions. Why the hatred? Why the lies? What the heck is going on in your head that makes any of this OK? Where's your integrity?

For those who have been in the same nasty MLC situation--- did they ever cool off, and realize what they've done?

I'm upset and puzzled and wondering how much more energy AND MONEY I have left to fight for fairness.

Ugh ~ shaking my head and wiping away the tears.

Xoxo

[bttrfly]

{{{Pax}}}
There were some ugly moments in my sitch too. I'm not sure why the lies and hatred - the revisionist history. I think they need it to justify their actions. I've wondered about integrity too.

My best advice is that this is a business transaction. You are closing down the company known as your marriage. Your husband is a business partner here.

Shut off your emotions to the best of your ability when you're dealing with divorce issues. Think long and hard about what you really want and what is and isn't important to you.

Know your opponent.

You can deal with the emotions of this after the fact. You're in a battle. Gird your loins. This is business, period.

Does any of this make sense?

xoxoxo

[job]

Pax,

I went through something very similar. My xh would have been happy if had been left homeless and an empty bank account. When he realized, very early on, that I was going to stand my ground and fight for what I was entitled to, he became a very angry and hateful person. As long as you go along w/whatever they want, the monster doesn't come out to play...but the moment you step up and fight for what you are entitled to and/or need, that monster comes out to play.

My divorce took 3 years and many, many days of dealing w/the monster. Once my divorce was finalized, I had to deal w/him for three months due to wrapping up financial issues and he was still a monster. I actually didn't hear from him again until 3 years later when my BIL passed away and he had settled down. He waited for two days after the funeral and then started sending me emails requesting things from my home, which he didn't need as he was living in an apartment, oh...he even wanted me to make copies of all of vacation photos and I pay for them. My response to him for the next 10 years was to refer back to his divorce decree, as he had gotten everything he asked for and wasn't getting another dime or belongings from my home. Of course, the ugly monster came out to play each time, but he didn't stay out to play as long.

To answer your question, some remain angry and resentful people the rest of their lives and then there are others, that do settle down. Some you never see or hear from again.

You do what you need to do to get a fair settlement. Your h is angry at himself, not you. Yes, he makes it appear that he's angry at you, but he's not. He's angry at himself and what he's done and he's just not happy w/the lemons he's been given. Trust me, if he was in your situation, he would be fighting for what he was entitled to.

[bttrfly]

Read The Art of War or The Prince.
seriously.

[Sotto]

Hi Pax - I'm sorry you had an ugly encounter with your H - ugh. My H initially then came up with some ideas for settlement that were ludicrously in favour of him and not me. I think I actually came away with around double of his initial suggestion - and that was purely based on the 'normal' formula for couples divorcing in our circumstances - nothing more. Actually, once H engaged his own L, he became much more reasonable. I think she set out how things were likely to work and he was more able to take that from a trusted, independent person.

From what I recall, is your H representing himself?? Or has he engaged a L who is unreasonable?

Anyway, I'll revisit what I have said before - that stuff is his stuff. I know what has happened must have hurt. But think about it - any reasonable person would at least want to honour the R that was and D in a reasonable manner that supports everyone's interests - no? So, if he wants otherwise, that's all on him.

It sounds like you are doing well in so many aspects of your life - and I will share my mantra for living - posted on the forum by Caliguy originally - but it spoke to me:

Appreciate what you have, and strive to do your best from wherever you are at daily.

I think if you manage to live in that way (and I sense you are) life will unfold in beautiful ways for you...

Xx

[Pax_luv]

Thank you all so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate the responses and reinforcement.

I think my sheer anger/disappointment/sadness comes from the fact that he just won't stop. He's a bully and then psychologically turns it around to make me the bully. I don't care anymore, but this aggression is not welcome in my life. The tears come from exhaustion.

I used to not care if he found me on this board. Chances are- he wouldn't... Why on earth would he be up in the middle of the night googling "how to save a marriage?" But now I'm a bit fearful knowing that he'll stop at nothing.

I didn't have a personal interaction with him. It was his formal, legal response to the one of our legal matters just ripping me a new one. Lies, manipulation, untruths. It's disgusting. I know he's lied under oath before... And this is no different. Again, can't go into all the details here cuz if he found me he'd surely sue me for slander or something..... But, I didn't think it could go this low. Wow. Wow. Wow.

[Pax_luv]

To answer you question, bttrfly- he no longer is representing himself. I don't see the conversations that are happening between him and his l, but his lawyer has eluded to the fact that he's not willing to listen. I've not seen any demonstratin of anyone trying to reel him in a bit. And thank you, for the book recommendations. Ill check them out.

Job- sorry you endured what you did with your ex. I think mine is going to be the same...I don't think he will ever turn around. In 2 years, I haven't seen any change. It's sad. He is going to have a very lonely life. What is your ex up to now? Did he remarry and find his happiness?

Sotto- I take your words to heart and I know you've given me the same message before. I appreciate the reinforcement. I really do! This morning I went to see the Dalai Lama live and, as you may know, the Buddhist philosophy is just as you mentioned .... I don't have to absorb his anger and therefore will not react as such. It's a gift I do not have to accept! Sometimes I'm just stunned by the lack of human integrity and then I'm so so grateful that I don't live in his world anymore. I'm fact I want to be faaaaaaaarrrrrr from it. Just let me have time with my dog.

[job]

Pax,

My xh did marry the ow and they were married for 9 years and then she passed away from ovarian cancer on the same date that my xh and I had married on. Talk about beginning and end marriages on the same date.

Well, before the ow/wife #2, passed away and was in hospice, he had already become involved w/another woman. They've been in a domestic relationship since 2014. His town home was foreclosed on and then he purchased another house in his old home town, right around from where he grew up. They lived there for about a year and have since moved to Colorado to be near her grown daughters. I have no idea what he's doing now...but I'm glad he's far away from me.

As for finding happiness? I think he only finds it for a year or so and then he starts buying things and then starts his "hunt" once again for the next woman and starts friendships with them.

The one thing I have found interesting in his journey is that once he moves on to his next victim the previous wives/relationships are dead issues and he will not revisit those time. It's like we never existed in his life.

I hope and pray that you can find a way to spend time with your dog. That may be the only way he can control what is going on in his life and that is by controlling visitation with the dog. It's a very sad way to live.

[pinn]

Ugh pax... my heart breaks for you. I wish I could share advice with you but I am glad you are getting advice from people who have gone through something. Hat must help a bit. Both of us are coming up on 2 years... crazy right?!? Anyway, just wanted to say I am thinking of you and hope you have a great weekend!

How was the marathon by the way?

[HaWho]

Just want to reiterate that his anger is all on him. He has free will, as we all do. But there are consequences to every decision we make. Let the legal system run its course. And oi, his poor lawyer.

Try to see the humor in it as it does sound like he's having a temper tantrum over there...

[Pax_luv]

Happy Father's Day to the great father figures out there (in whatever capacity)! I hope you have a blessed day.

Thanks Pinn for the drive by. I appreciate you and our virtual friendship so much. This absolutely stinks. I have a new found awareness of bullying and feel so saddened for those young kids who take their own lives because of the constant taunting. It's not something Ive ever experienced personally, but now understand the feeling of "no escape." Seriously..... Whatever move I make, it only makes the situation exponentially worse (for an indeterminate amount of time.). Now, I'm not trying to relate my case to high school or childhood bullying, but I know the feeling. This may be a new cause I could start getting involved in. Side note- I just want to solve all the problems of the world.

The marathon was good. I didn't make my goal time, but I finished. Around mile 18, I got this "zing" in my knee and it derailed me the rest of the race. It was so painful! I Limped through the rest of the run. Knee is fine now. Next up is another sprint triathlon.


Hawho- thank you for the reiteration. He is having a temper tantrum. Ive said it before, it's crazy making. He is the most spiteful person I've ever met. And I knew this before I became his current victim. He will stop at nothing To ensure he doesn't "lose". My fears about this d have come to fruition. At least I was prepared, didn't sign anything when he was trying to manipulate me out of things, and I have my lawyer doing the dirty work. I do have my ego to tend to, and I'm saddened by how he has presented me to my former friends and family. I just keep reminding myself that I have to trust that the truth all comes out in time.

I've worked really hard to ensure that there have been no "digs" at his character in any of my legal docs. I've written a couple statements that have gone there a little bit, but have always ended up deleting them. IT's not who I want to be. So everything has been factual and data driven with no emotion behind it. Wellllll, after his current statement, I'm left questioning if I should fight fire with fire. I know the answer and I don't want to be petty.... But man.... I think my teeth are going to shatter with how hard I'm keeping my mouth shut.

Thank you all. And thank you Job for sharing a bit more about your situation with me. I've long since moved past the search for stories of reconciliation, but now am trying to see what sitchs have simply cooled off and become amicable years down the line. Im grateful for everyone here who continues to pay it forward.

So.... Just got to keep breathing and moving forward. It's tough. Really really tough.

[Pax_luv]

One more thing that's kind of funny...

So I spend 2 hours a day working out at my gym. I am constantly surrounded by super buff men with some amazing bodies. These guys aren't exactly my type (I like somewhat dorky, clean cut guys with long lanky runner bodies), but lets just say I'm surrounded by a bunch of superman/ Hercules types.

I had a dream where my ex was at an event with a bunch of the gym guys and he was trying to fit in so he was wearing a leather vest with nothing underneath and a black choker around his neck. He was trying to compete with them and he looked rediculous! I woke up with a bit of chuckle.

Ok. Now I feel bad for making fun of him in my dream.

[pinn]

One more thing that's kind of funny...

So I spend 2 hours a day working out at my gym. I am constantly surrounded by super buff men with some amazing bodies. These guys aren't exactly my type (I like somewhat dorky, clean cut guys with long lanky runner bodies), but lets just say I'm surrounded by a bunch of superman/ Hercules types.

I had a dream where my ex was at an event with a bunch of the gym guys and he was trying to fit in so he was wearing a leather vest with nothing underneath and a black choker around his neck. He was trying to compete with them and he looked rediculous! I woke up with a bit of chuckle.

Ok. Now I feel bad for making fun of him in my dream.

ahhh hahaha... that's great!! I guess we are going to dream about them, this is the best case scenario!

[Pax_luv]

Whew.....
Just journaling.

Today was the court date over the interim sharing of the dog. Long story short, ex has to share and I get my little monkey tomorrow!!!!! I can not wait to snuggle with him. 7 months is far too long and I pray that he remembers me, and is comfortable with me in my place. I can't even express the excitement I'm feeling right now.

It didn't come easy, and while this was a minor puddle to jump, I got a decent flavor for the how the rest of the divorce is going to go and, as I mentioned before, this guy isn't above doing some low down dirty scheming. Got lots of things to work through still. Guard is wayyyy up.

I'm currently at work and I can't concentrate. I just want to run to the store to get him fresh food, treats, and some new toys. I still have his Christmas present wrapped and waiting for him in my living room. (Yes, I'm one of the those dog ladies). I can't wait to see him.

So, today was also the first time I've seen ex in 7 months. I didn't expect him to show at all, but we got to the courthouse right at the same time. No words or eye contact was exchanged. Total strangers.

I looked ok, but not my total best, as I would have if I was still DBing. I'm just living my life regardless of what I look like to him. I made sure not to fidget and look nervous, though I wanted to vomit. My lawyer soon came and we had a few laughs over some of the comments I had to defend that ex has presented in his testimony. Still boggles the mind, but the chuckles helped prevent me from bursting out into tears over the situation.

So... All in all.... I'm so excited to see my pup, but am fearful of what's next. This was not the news ex wanted to hear so I'm weary of the retaliation. Knowing him, he'll fire his lawyer and who knows what else.

With that I wish you all a great day.

[pinn]

So so so happy for you!! Enjoy the weekend with the pup! So glad that went in your favor. Dogs are so great. WW had a pup before we got together and when things went south, he went with her. I understood though, it was her dog. But I love him a lot. I get real happy when I see him so I know what it's like! There was a time where I hadn't seen him in 7-8 months. Have a great weekend pax!'

[job]

I am so glad that you are finally getting to have time with your puppy. The two of you will enjoy your time together. I do hope things go more smoothly in the future for you w/trying to negotiate things w/your h.

Enjoy!

[Pax_luv]

Thank you both Pinn and Job! The weekend with the pup has been awesome so far!

I think the greatest blessing is, we haven't missed a beat. Even though it's been over 7 months, the bond is still there. Dogs are amazing creatures. I was nervous that he might be hesitant around me, but nope, not at all. When I picked him up, we had a great embrace, he eagerly hopped in my car, we drove home, and he walked in as if he never left. He was home. So freaking great.

We've just been snuggling and playing and going for walks. It's the life!

I can't say the same for ex. Boo. What a curmudgeon. I won't get into it now, but our exchange (or lack thereof) was completely immature.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in with that news! I must say, there's no such thing as "just a dog."

Hope everyone enjoys the rest of their weekend.

[Sotto]

Ah, lovely Pup! Glad you are having a good weekend together - enjoy!!

Sorry the exchange wasn't easy - hopefully they will get easier...and as I often post on here - aim for grace xx

[ciluzen]

So happy you got your pup! Tthat must be so nice after such a long time away from ech other. Happy for you!

[pinn]

Brings a tear to my eye... so happy for you!!

[Pax_luv]

Hi guys!
Another weekend is upon us! Yeah! It's supposed to be hot and muggy where i live, and that's fine with me. I decided to work from home this afternoon, and took my lunch break out by the pool. It was super nice!

I am counting down the hours till I get to go pick up the dog. I get a twinge of anxiety everytime I think about having to go to the house, but oh well. in an attempt to remedy the feelings, I busted out one of my fave books that talks about the importance of presence. And if you are feeling any emotions of negativity, you aren't living in the present. It also has a lot to do with ego. I appreciate reading and reinforcing these learnings, but putting them into practice does seem daunting at times.... It's just easier to hang on to the negative feelings as a clutch, right?!

On a positive note, my two year anniversary of separation came and went and I didn't even remember until after the fact. The thing I'm most proud of is the fact that I've been practicing the DB principles since the day before I moved out and I havent "consciously" reverted back to anti-DB habits. It's pretty cool. People are recently actively commenting on the transformation I have undergone in my life. While, it isn't new for me, I realize that I've been at it long enough that it is now engrained in who I am- PMA, solution oriented, GAL, "act as if" queen.

So, that's about it. I just finished my second 60 day gym challenge and am continuing to do the workouts. Upper body strength is great, so now I need to focus on the abs and booty. I'm hiking my Whitney in September so I need to start training for that.

All in all...life keeps moving right along.

Wishing you all a lovely and joyful weekend!

[bttrfly]

Yay puppy time! I'm so happy for you Pax! You've worked so hard and it shows xoxoxo

[pinn]

Enjoy!

[kml]

My. Whitney! You go! When my ex had his affair and I was DBing my heart out, part of my GAL was training to climb Whitney. It really helped to take the focus off my marriage problems and by the time the climb arrived we were reconciled and he hiked it with me. It was a great trip and I'm so glad to have the memories. (Even though he relapsed into MLC a few years later and we are now several years divorced).

I used to do practice hikes with a bag of kitty litter in my pack.

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Bttrfly! Just one foot in front of the other! While I still get irked with ex. I allow him to go all Tasmanian Devil... And know with 100% certainty that he can blame me all he wants and run my name through the mud, but it's even more interesting now that he's going absolutely berserk over something that he's made up all on his own. Just goes to show you how mph narratives play a role in our life.

As always, thanks Pinn. Another fun weekend of puppy time. This sounds kind of weird, but I can actually make my dog smile and laugh. Its true! We play this "paw" game and he loves it. I didn't play it with him last weekend, but did this morning and got some good grins out of the guy. I loved that he remembers our game as I'm the only one who can get this reaction out of him.

Hi, KML! Thanks for stopping by. I actually remember your Whitney training from when I read your posts. So cool! I'm excited and nervous but I'm going with a physician and a few others so im hoping I'll be in good hands! I hope your trek was magical. I'm in So Cal so I've got some elevation training hikes planned in the next two weeks... One including Mt.San Jacinto.

[Pax_luv]

Greetings from the outside. . It's a gorgeous day where I live so I'm taking my lunch break outdoors in the sunshine.... Something I never do!

Been musing about my sitch a bit. What Ive learned is, no contact with ex is the greatest thing and is something I wish i had implemented right at the get go. I kind of believe things would have played out a bit differently if i had. Instead, no contact was established by ex 17 months after separation out of disdain for me, but oh well.

Having to see him every week with the dog swap is awful... Granted, I don't speak to him nor does he to me, but it just puts me right back where I don't want to be. It's like having to hold your hand near the hot fire without actually having to put your hand in the fire. It stinks, but it must be done for now. Having my time with the dog is worth the temporary emotional dip.

All these "blah" feelings then makes me feel like I'm not as far along as I thought I was. I still care what ex thinks of me. Which is crazy!!!!! <--- this is what I keep trying to work through. We've seen each other 6 times now with the dog swap and I just have to scratch my head thinking how in the hel! Can he STILL have this much hatred towards me??? I have to keep remembering that its not my job for him to like me or be nice to me, but I'm still trying to push those feelings aside.

I don't think there's anything else I can do to move through these feelings except wait it out and continue to try to be the best person I can be... Not sure there's much more for me to do except give the sitch time. I've been looking for more books on the subject. I got so engrained in learning how to save the marriage, which was a great learning, but now I need some good education on how to move on. And yes, I deliberately said move on because Ive moved forward so much that I feel it's time to forget about the past. <---this is a super new way of thinking for me.

Which leads me to the next phase in all this- A couple weeks ago, I joined match.com. Not my thing.... But I'm giving it a whirl. Had a really nice date last night with a guy that I've been talking to for a bit. Divorced, dad of 2.... He's awesome, but not for me long term as far as I can tell. Not forcing anything and no expectations! I'm just not sure how much effort to put into these meetings. Anyway, His wife was ww because he became a doormat. He shared some details about feeling emasculated in the relationship due to his people-pleasing approach and she fell out of love with him. Hmmmm. I feel bad for him because this dynamic plays out all the time. What I appreciate is, he took the time to work through his stuff like all of us here, and is actively approaching things differently. self awareness is sexy! I may have crossed some boundaries last night and recommended he read no more mr nice guy. I feel bad when it came out of my mouth, but he was looking for self help book suggestions. Ah well!

So that's it for now. Got a busy week ahead and hopefully another decent match experience.

Have a good one!

[Coly23]

Hey Pax, it's great to hear you reconnecting with your puppy and I love the fact that you can make him laugh! If only we could have YouTube links on here I would love to see that!

I hear you on NC being the best thing for you. If has taken me just over a year to get it and now I really do. I feel so much healthier and happier since I stopped contacting H to meet up. Every time I saw him it just took me back and undid all my good work towards detaching.

Looking forward to hearing more about the dating and I think you are right to just take it easy. You sound really good Pax. I am looking forward to getting to that stage, hopefully soon!!

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Coly, for the words of encouragement. Oyyyy it is a process.

I also wish there was a way to share some of these things... Like my doggy you-tube video (which doesn't exist, but maybe it should). We get so invested in each other's lives, it would be nice to have that deeper connection. On the other hand I totally respect and appreciate the anonymity.

With that, I just want to share something kind of funny, kind of not so funny. I NEED to get my spending in check. I think right at this moment, I'm worse than the MLCer. It feels like I'm dumping money on tons of fun things, but I need to whip myself back into shape. Starting right this very second. I'm telling you all so you can help keep me accountable!

My big problem right now is clothes. Gah- so many clothes! As you know I've been working out religiously since January so needless to say a lot of my clothes don't fit the same or are just too big in general. I've been slowly getting new things that fit better but havent gotten rid of the old clothes since my weight still fluctuates with my misc muscle gains and losses.

So, on top of work clothes, I've also been investing in quality workout clothes because I now realize what the difference is between regular work out clothes and quality clothes. That sounds sooooo pretentious, but it makes a big difference. I don't buy lululemon... That's far too rich for my blood, but I'm spending more than i usually would. On top of that, since I work out 2 times a day... I need double the wardrobe and this includes socks, sports bras, tops and bottoms. Eesh!

And then on top of that.... With my new dating life, I also bought some cute clothes for going out.

And then at the same time, since I do have a new body, I've sexed up my wardrobe a bit in the pajama department, and even with the work clothes too. Not too revealing or sexy, but enough to feel confident. You know, pencil skirts, heels, etc.

So, yeah, it is a new PAX, I just wish she wasn't this expensive especially when my lawyer bill last month was 3,000. Ouch.

So the goal on Saturday is to get back on the konmari method and let some of those objects go that don't being me joy or make my butt look good haha.
The goal will be at least one full garbage bag stuffed to give to good will. Hopefully, I exceed that goal.

Meh... Just sharing real life. $$$$

[pinn]

Haha going and getting it pax! I like that! I think you should give yourself a little reward after all that hard work but now pull it back in! You got this! Booo to real life haha

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Pinn- I'm reelin it in!

Well, today is (what would have been) my 7 year wedding anniversary and it's been 3 years since the straw that broke this camels back!

On our four year wedding anniversary, my husband and I were out for a romantic dinner at our favorite restaurant... The evening was weird, as was our whole relationship at that time. I was Sooo tired of all the crap. He had gone from quitting his career without telling me, to buying the motorcycle, to being obsessed with guns and video games, to being even more obsessed with his looks. All while dealing with a major lawsuit that had our finances in a tizzy. I admit, it had gotten to be really challenging to keep up the brave smiley face.

Little did I know that I was about to get the bomb of my life that would send me in to a depression. Over our filet and lobster, my ex turned to me and said, in a completely emotionless tone, "if we're not pregnant in 2 months, there's no point in being married."

And that's all she wrote! Well, I should say, that was the beginning of a very long downward spiral.

From that moment on, I couldn't really hide the fact that I didn't feel safe with this man. It was horrible. On the outside I was barely coping, and on the inside I had died. Yet, I still did what I could muster in order to be the best wife I could. I would work all day, come home to find him playing video games and screaming at the 13 year olds he was playing against. The reason I even bring that up is because he wouldn't even acknowledge my existence until he was done playing. I was a burden. He wouldnt even stop playing it and acknowledge me until he put down the remote and by that time it was when I was done making him dinner.
Ugh- pathetic pathetic woman.

So, today, I drop off the dog. Its been the same scenario every week. I haven't seen ex at all. He just opens and shuts the door while hiding behind it. I'm left to drop off the dog leash, etc on the front stoop after the door is shut.

Today, I left feeling so so sad. It really is like mourning the dead. What I know for certain is- i don't deserve to be treated like sh@t and I would never go back to him, but I'm still so sad over the loss of the what could have been and that idea of having a happy marriage and family.

Its gonna be a long day. It's tough, but I'll get through it.

[Coly23]

(((Pax))), sending you hugs. It diesn't get easier does it. Next month would have been my seven year anniversary too. Last year I spent it sobbing all day this year, who knows.

Your H is a coward if he hides behind his front door when you exchange the dog. Next time maybe you should call out - "yoohoo, any one there!!!"

Your doing great Pax, in fact it sounds like you had a lucky escape!!!

[OwnIt]

Pax, that is awful. I'm so sorry. I wonder why he still clings to the dog and just doesn't let you have him/her?

I imagine the only thing that makes this easier is that he is obviously deeply troubled and his actions have nothing to do with you. Mine does normal things from time to time so I have to scratch my head and think maybe it's not narcissism or MLC, maybe just an unhappy guy who only sometimes remembers he has kids and really hates his STBX.

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
I know. xoxoxo

[Sotto]

Ugh - why do some people behave this way?? Sorry to hear that Pax and big hugs to you. Seeing puppy is really important to you I know. And it does also come at a price - and the price is having a ringside seat to see your H behaving like this. I had to laugh at Coly's 'Yoo Hoo!' Suggestion - H, why ARE you cringing behind the door??? I don't have a highly contagious disease you know!

The main thing is always how you feel. He may do his stuff and that's up to him. Frankly, I would aim for grace, shrug and go about your day. Try not to give him too much headspace at all - particularly if he's behaving in that way. I know it isn't easy, but gently persist and it will come more fully with time.

Honestly, what does it take to come to the door and offer a cool but polite Hello and then say - enjoy your time with Pup...

Sheesh...any ways, I think you sound lovely - however he might behave xxx

[Gordie]

That is just so awful, beyond words. Yes, he is a coward.

[Pax_luv]

Coly, Own, Brtrfly, Sotto, Gordie,
Thank you all so much for being "there" in my slump. I so appreciate you all. I've rebounded and am back on steady footing.

I wouldn't say he's being a coward. I think he's trying to teach me a lesson by treating me like sh*t. I didn't accept his settlement offer so Im just a greedy, selfish, b. I deserve to be treated like I don't exist.

Let's keep in mind he put a settlement offer out there before any disclosures had to be made. And he kept threatening that I better take it because he wasn't going to be that generous ever again. He started at one figure, and then decreased. Hmmm....Yeah, cuz I'm just some broad he can pay off with a pathetic check.

No sir.

But that just goes to show you (and me) how valued I truly was in the relationship.

It was all fake, I was just an accessory that had to live and play by his rules.

It all makes sense now. Older-financially comfortable-man meets and falls in love with young hot woman. Man is smitten until he gets bored with his life, makes demands to young wife to comply with his wishes, and when young wife realizes she's not in a safe relationship, old man loses interest and falls out of love..... Blames wife. Old mans thinks he can just pay her to go away and when the wife says no, old man goes ballistic, and former friends and family of old husband believes young wife was just a gold digger all along.

Uch. Honestly, deep down inside, I thought maybe this was the scenario at the beginning of the relationship. I mean we had a 13 year age difference. It's not huge, and I'm mature for my age and I loved him. People would always joke that I would be the one to leave him. NEVER was it the other way around.

Oh well. There's literally nothing I can do about it now. Regardless of what ex thinks, I was a person who built a life with him and not some problem that would go away by throwing money at it ( and a very little bit of money it was).


Truth is, I did dodge a bullet, but it doesn't make any of this easier.

Coly, IT DOES GET BETTER! I promise you this. It took me a loooooong time to get where I am today and it's not easy, but I honestly do have a better life than before BD. Just have to do the work and be honest with yourself and live a life of integrity. There's so much BS surrounding divorce.

So, in the last 10 days, I've gone on 4 dates! Omg! I'm leaning into the fun of dating but it's hard to keep everyone straight. I also need to push it at the gym because I am indulging way to much on these dates. That's definitely new and exciting!

[pinn]

Coly, IT DOES GET BETTER! I promise you this. It took me a loooooong time to get where I am today and it's not easy, but I honestly do have a better life than before BD. Just have to do the work and be honest with yourself and live a life of integrity. There's so much BS surrounding divorce.

Sometimes when people first visit here, they look for success stories and ask for examples. Of course they mean reconciliation. But if there is one thing I have learned over my time here, success can be mean so many different things. I think you are a great example of a success story Pax... what a transformation you have gone through! Congrats to you!

Good luck with the dating, sounds like you are enjoying it. Be picky, you deserve it. Some guy is going to be very lucky!

[ciluzen]

Wow Pax! 4 dates in 10 days...I believe it that you have trouble keeping them all straight in your head! Go you, though. Sounds like your having fun exploring that world. In fact, I'm impressed with how well you've GALed...created challenges and met them head on, over and over. Its been fun to "watch" you blossom as you've travelled this journey and found your strength. Things seem to be falling into place. Well, no... that discounts your hard work. You seem to be PULLING things into place.

I'm glad you get to have your pup back part time. Maybe I missed it, but was your pup more your dog (they always choose someone)? I wonder why ex even wants to hold on to pup, knowing he is forced to do the exchange. How does that benefit him? Stubborness usually has a reason...deeper than control. Especially since by being forced to do the exchange, he's smacked in the face with his LACK of control in the sitch. It simply means he's forced to see you (even though he's hiding behind a door). But hiding so that you can't see him doesn't mean he can't see you. Its funny how sometimes they still seem to want a connection. Sorry if I'm overthinking...its what I tend to do, lol.

Keep doing you, Pax. You're very good at it. I'm inspired by your progress in life, as are so many on here. You are a success story.

[bttrfly]

Leaning into the fun of dating

Dating is ... fun?

insert puzzled emoji face.

Tell us more ... what is this fun dating you speak of???

[Pax_luv]

Thank you, Pinn! That means a lot coming from someone I greatly respect! Yep, I was one of those people that was on here every spare second of the day in desperate search of the formula that would help me piece back my marriage and life. I didn't find that formula, nor did I have to opportunity to "test" things out with ex, but I really got so much more. I'm grateful for that.

Ciluzen, thank you! I owe it to people like you who have given me perspective either on my thread or theirs that have helped me along this journey. Which by the way, is far from over. So much work still to be done with myself and the official burning of the marriage contract.

re: dog. It's really hard to say who he "favors". When I lived at the house, he was my baby- always snuggling with me, always playing with me, and following me around. However, since ex didn't work, he was often the one who took him to the dog park during the day and did daily errands with him. With our current arrangement, ex still has him longer so I don't know how the dog feels or what their life is when they're together. We don't talk!

Ciluzen, great perspective on the the stubbornness and control. I think you nailed it on the head.

Bttrfly.... Dating..... Because of DBing I definitely have a very positive outlook on things and just embrace getting to know people as they are. No expectations, just remaining open to experiences

So, date 1 took me to a fancy restaurant where we had cocktails on the rooftop bar overlooking the ocean, it was accompanied with a gorgeous sunset.

Date 2 brought me flowers and we took a long walk along the water to a restaurant that was playing live music. He knows I'm super active so he planned the walking route accordingly

I was really tired for date 3 so he accommodated and met me close to my place. I liked that he was a gentleman and opened the door, pulled out my chair, etc. I looooove these manners in men, but SoCal guys don't really aspire to this level of gentleman-ship. So, sadly, I don't expect it, and am pleasantly surprised when I do get that. Even better when the man walks on the outside. Love it.

For date 4, we went beer tasting, which was fun. This guy had a ton of energy and is a bit of an Indiana Jones which I like... (Trekking through Borneo, etc) but his ego was a bit inflated. Got to get to know him better.

Tonight I'm going out with date #3 again. He works in peds icu and I like that he has a childlike personality because that's who he's constantly around. He is filed with cheesy jokes and it's cute.

So, yeah, just taking each experience as it comes and taking it one day at a time

[pinn]

wow pax... good for you! sounds exciting! Gives me hope hearing such good stories if I end up going the dating route some day.

Sometimes I tell people that you have to go it... you are certainly going out there and getting it in more ways than one!! Keep it up

[bttrfly]

Bttrfly.... Dating..... Because of DBing I definitely have a very positive outlook on things and just embrace getting to know people as they are. No expectations, just remaining open to experiences

I'm so glad you are in this space. Your dates sound like fun. Continue to enjoy yourself! xoxoxo

[OwnIt]

I can't even ever imagine getting to this point, but it is so inspiring!

[bttrfly]

I can't even ever imagine getting to this point, but it is so inspiring!

Agreed.
Honestly, today I'm not even open to new experiences. I know that might change tomorrow, but in this moment - I'm miles away, maybe even lightyears.

Great job Pax xoxoxo

[Pax_luv]

Hey guys. Thanks for the feedback and support. Much appreciated.

I think there comes a point that you just know it's time to move on and live YOUR life and maybe experience someone new. At least that is the case for me. I went on dates periodically throughout the separation, but it didn't feel right. I was too attached to ex still.

While he does still get to me, i know he's not the guy for me. My new- authentic-life is a continuous reminder of that. I'm ok with locking the door to that relationship and throwing away the key.

And regardless if his current nastiness is MLC related or not, he's always been egomaniacal. If you go back to my past threads (which I don't recommend) you'd see that I predicted this from the get go. Could it have been a self fulfilling prophecy.... Nope..... He's a scum bag.... Just didn't think he'd turn on me, except I kind of knew it was a possibility. So in a way, being open to being in a relationship is exhilarating and freeing.

So, back to dating. It's also much more fun when you have a solid awareness of who you are and what you stand for. This is something I didn't have before... I think it's because I met ex while I was still young and figuring myself out. Things are totally different now. It's that awesome law of detachment!!! I do me and you do you and let's see if we can meet in the middle, but not overlap completely.

Also, it's fun being in a position of being with people who have similar interests. <--this is very superficial and not sustainable long term, but it's nice to do things that I like to do and never could do with ex because he had sooooo many hang ups. (We could never do long hikes, go in elevators, take long drives, eat at different restaurants, etc)

But it's not all rainbows and butterflies. In fact last night, I went out with a guy (2nd date) and long story short, we ended up at the mall looking at fancy watches because he wanted a new watch. Ummmmm sounds terrible and pretentious, right?!! Well, honestly, because I didn't totally care in the first place I was completely fine with this. I just sat back, had a couple glasses of bubbly and enjoyed the experience. Meh- no harm no foul!

[OwnIt]

That's what comes of knowing your worth and not having to jump on the first thing that comes around (and of course having lived the red flags and now knowing what they look like).

[pinn]

Haha! I wish there was a dating forum so I could follow along in your adventure! Man.... good for you.... seriously

[bttrfly]

^^ there is the post-D forum

[job]

As bttrfly mentioned, we do have the "Surviving the Big D" forum. The posters share a lot of good info, not only about getting back on their feet after a divorce, but their experiences about dating. It's worth the time to check it out.

New Thread:

Divorce and Acceptance - Part 2