It takes two to make it work (pt. 6)

[CaliGuy]

Yup ... that FB will only hurt you more as it then becomes more 'real' in a way.

My MLCr for years would delete me and re add me .... the delete portions would be punishment, when I made her mad .. actually became a joke for some time with our mutual friends. So when she nuked me prior to BD it was just another day in Cali's life.

I did not suspect nor even know about OM till a few months after. I recall her posting something about Driving up north and OM posted on her page "Safe Travels" I was livid .. the nerve of that guy to openly confess the affair like that ... least that's how I read it and assumed everyone knew at that point ... that's how nuts I was.

She blocked me years ago .... I returned the block and I do not even feel the least bit curious TBH but it takes time to get there, takes time to learn if you continue to touch that oven its only your fingers getting burned to a crisp not theirs ... you will learn in time to stop handing over power like that to the OM/MLCr

[bttrfly]

Am I the only one blessed with an MLCer who deleted his FB page?

I'm quite grateful for that as I know I would be too tempted to look and then would not be happy with what I saw.

I learned enough when I had to review the credit card statements during mediation. His life is his own. Best way to get through this for yourself and your children (and believe it or not, your spouse also) is to firmly focus on you.

We are here for you !!!! xoxoxoxoxo {{{{{hugs}}}}}

[SBJ]

Thanks guys...I know that it will be the best to stay away from anything she does or says, but sometimes it is hard to do.

Picked the kids up Saturday from her and she began telling me about her rough week with one of the SIL's. This is the one that is the lost black sheep of her family. The W is still playing mom to her and trying to make sure she is "saved" from her own mistakes and consequences. She is now living on the streets 100+ miles away. As I was leaving she reached out for my hand...nothing big, but that little bit of physical touch sent shivers down my spine. Touch is my top on the 5LL scale. It killed me, but maybe put just enough in my tank to stand for a while longer.

So, yesterday morning, the texted to see if I was awake, then called me to tell me that she would not be attending church with us for the Palm Sunday service. She began telling me that she had been at the ER most of the night with my MIL and did not get home until at 4am. She then kept on telling me about the entire ordeal and what the docs had said.

She then, in a very matter of fact way, said..."Oh, ___ & ___ broke up". It was like I was back in high school hearing about friends that split up. I have only met these people once and when I did, I assumed they were married. Anyway, maybe the W is stuck in some kind of high school time frame...who knows.

On my mind this morning and prayed for all of you...
"Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day and, having done everything, to hold your ground." - Ephesians 11-13.

[skm0619]

HI SBJ.....thanks for stopping by on my post.

I have been keeping up with you and reading along. I don't really have too much to say, but know that I am here to support you.

When I read your postings about your W they remind me of my H. Every conversation has to be about him and what he has been through, how he is feeling, how he blah blah blah. It's like they forgot that we are also going through a difficult time, and are trying to wrap our heads around what is happening in our lives. Why does everything always have to be about them?!?!?!?!

I hope that you are coming to a place where you are starting to feel somewhat better (if that is possible). It has taken me almost 17 months to finally start to realize that I am going to be okay, and that my life is moving in the direction it is supposed to be going. I still have my sad moments, but they don't seem to be as difficult to deal with as before.

Please take care of yourself. Try to do something you enjoy, something that will put a smile on your face.

Take care my friend

One day at a time....

[roist]

Hi SBJ,

Thanks for keeping us in your prayers.

As I was leaving she reached out for my hand...nothing big, but that little bit of physical touch sent shivers down my spine. Touch is my top on the 5LL scale. It killedme, but maybe put just enough in my tank tostand for a while longer.

I have two contradictory comments about this statement.There are times in this journey where we use whatever we can to keep going. So if that works for you
, use it.

However I feel it is healthier to have reasons/motivation to stand that is independent of W. Otherwise if she acted differently you no longer have reason to stand. Maybe that touch represented a future connection for you. Being motivated by an eventual new connection is good IMO. It's potential is all that is important at this stage. It's likelihood or timeframe are of lesser importance. Can you achieve that future vision of you two reunited? It can happen but a lot of water may need to pass beforehand. Your motivation to stand will need to be very strong.

Second important aspect of this statement is it devalues you. She gave you a scrap and you made a meal of it. I am fully for enhancing the positive but not to the detriment of your self image.

If the rumours/talk is true of her cheating, then for now you should not want her touch. Even if not, I worry you are too attached for your own good.

2x4 over.

It is good that she felt comfortable enough with you to touch your hand. Many don't.

I know this answer flip flopped a bit. I hope it makes sense to you what I am saying.

[SBJ]

Thx roist...2x4 absorbed and accepted. Maybe in writing that the touch gave me more encouragement to stand was not written correctly. Her touch, I guess reminded me that she is still in there somewhere. Maybe my mind is playing with my emotions, but it worked for me in that moment.

As for the scrap vs the meal...maybe you are right in a way. I'm a very physical person and I have been without any physical touch from her for 9 months...it has been tough. You get some kinds of physical touch from friends and family, but, and I know you know what I mean...the touch from the woman or man that "you" love is unmatched. Now, I know that in her mind it might not have meant anything...that is a reality that is all too clear as I read all of the posts here, but in some weird way, it felt nice.

Do I need and deserve much more? YES.

Will I break my vows to her and go find that with someone else? Not in the cards for me.

As for reasons/motivations to stand...I think my reasons are based in the word. I made my vows and I take them seriously. I also, for whatever reason love this batchitcrazy woman with all my heart. I would love her if she were in an accident and crippled. I would love her if she were diagnosed with cancer. I would love her if she decided to never return to our family. To me that love is unconditional. That being said...I don't approve or like who she is right now or what she is doing, but the love is unconditional.

As for the rumors, you are correct...should they be true, then she has a lot of work to do before I'd ever let her come home.

The things I do know:
I have to be strong for my kids and for myself.
I know there is a God and I am not him.
I know He has a plan and I do not know what it is.
I am learning to accept His Will for my life.
I am going to take it one day at a time and give thanks for all of the good things that I do have in my life.

[roist]

That is exactly the reply I hoped to hear. You are doing well.

Best wishes

[Bird]

Do I need and deserve much more? YES.

Will I break my vows to her and go find that with someone else? Not in the cards for me.

As for reasons/motivations to stand...I think my reasons are based in the word. I made my vows and I take them seriously. I also, for whatever reason love this batchitcrazy woman with all my heart. I would love her if she were in an accident and crippled. I would love her if she were diagnosed with cancer. I would love her if she decided to never return to our family. To me that love is unconditional. That being said...I don't approve or like who she is right now or what she is doing, but the love is unconditional.

As for the rumors, you are correct...should they be true, then she has a lot of work to do before I'd ever let her come home.

The things I do know:
I have to be strong for my kids and for myself.
I know there is a God and I am not him.
I know He has a plan and I do not know what it is.
I am learning to accept His Will for my life.
I am going to take it one day at a time and give thanks for all of the good things that I do have in my life.

THIS is why you are my daily inspiration on this board SBJ. I feel exactly the same way about H and my family and I'm trying every day to let God do the lifting. Wish I wasn't such a control freak, lol.

Touch is not high on my 5LL (I'm a words girl), but I feel you on the 9 months thing. Nearing 1 year on any kind of real intimacy and it wasn't even that good of an experience. I think he knew what was going on before I did and it explains a lot about that morning, lol. Still, it's amazing how you crave something simple like an arm around your waist when no one is there to offer one. Stay strong, I know it's tough.

I was going to post over on my thread that I'm going to have to start a playlist of SBJ's motivational music. My sister has been trying to get me into Chris Stapleton so now that I've got two people on my case I'd better give him a shot.

[SBJ]

Thanks Bird...daily inspiration or not, there is only so much humanly possible for us to do. We seem to put up with this batchitcrazy stuff and hold out hope that some way our spouses will return to reality, but what if this is their new reality?

Just got a call from the W saying that her attorney called her and said that he had not heard back from mine. She was basically asking me if I'd hurry up and get my attorney to finish up the changes to the D paperwork so that we can get them signed.

Her funny, self-serving comment was..."I know you think I'm rushing this, but it has been 6 months...and nothing has changed." Again letting me know that her feelings have not changed and that I simply need to bite the bullet and finalize the divorce. She also said that this is costing her money that she could be spending on the kids. I guess that is her way of making me feel guilty and bending to her desires.

I can only tell her that I understand how she feels so much. I don't understand. I know they aren't in their right mind, but I don't understand. I don't understand how someone can be so selfish. I don't understand how someone could treat someone with such disrespect.

As I said earlier...there are very few things I know and only a few that I can control, and the rest is in God's hands.

[AndrewP]

SBJ - I'm not reading nor posting too much but had been keeping an eye open for you. You've been a source of comfort and strength to so many people here and arrived just as I was starting my exit. I know from my own time that helping others helped me get through some of the bad times.

I was a bit surprised in some ways to notice a reference to OM and so read back a bit. Yep - heard this song before. Sang it myself in fact. I went from March 2016 through the middle of April wondering why my devoted W of nearly 27 years suddenly was unhappy and wanted to leave. She'd been involved with OM for about a year at that point and the EA had turned into a PA roughly in January as I figured out later.

I don't know about you, but for me it was a relief in some ways to find out about OM. I actually calmly confronted her about it since she was still in the house and it became open between us and a source of conflict although a secret to the outside world. But things suddenly "made sense". It was also good for me in some ways even if the shock of it knocked me very badly on my @ss for a very long time. Depression, weight loss, suicidal thoughts. All of those things affected me. You are in many ways fortunate in that you have both your Faith and your faith community to sustain you as well as your own innate strength.

I don't know what your plans are as far as talking to your W about OM goes. It probably doesn't make any difference though other than to perhaps add some more emotion and anger to the situation. Once my own W knew that I knew about OM it was as if an alien that had been living inside her skin was released. Even though there was no spew directed my way nor her way it was very unpleasant to say the least. Things appear to be somewhat civil in your own situation at present.

I suspect that your W is well along what my own W had been planning. Leaving, starting a "new life" and then suddenly having a new guy appear in such a way as nobody in the community nor her children could fault her. There are lots of stories here where exactly that happens. I somewhat messed that up but then became complicit in keeping her secret which was painful. I kept hoping until towards the end of last year that she would come back and because she wasn't open about having left when her affair came to light via a friend's Facebook post it came as quite a shock to much of the community many of whom thought we were still together. Most of those who knew she left had probably bought the story that she was unhappy and wanted time alone. The rest were split between people who were horrified and who were happy for her (mostly her relatives and new friends). I have no clue at present about how her life is going and how people in the community are reacting. I think that sides have been firmly picked and I have been grateful to so many wonderful people who have been so very kind and supportive of me.

Anyway - a bit longer post than I intended but if you've ever read any of my threads you'll know that once I start writing that I have a hard time stopping. I just wanted you to know that I think you are doing great and hope that you continue to be a source of strength for your family, your community and this place no matter where your path leads you. Those of us who have gone before have blazed many trails through the foggy woods and hopefully our experiences, mistakes and victories have helped to guide you on your own path.