So Confused and Conflicted (2)

[Cadet]

But sometimes it's not over. Didn't the same thing happen to LITB? But he reconciled twice and is with her now. If it's true that they are all done at BD point, why are we all here on this forum?

Yes, there is always hope that it isn't over. However, I can only explain to you why I am here still. I know that after my W filed my M was over. The reason I'm still here is to help myself learn how to pick up the pcs and move on. There still are a great number of people that on this forum that have been through what I am currently going through and can offer sound advice on how to handle my current sitch. I have used what I have learned on this forum and in Michelle's books to better myself and it has made going through this ten times easier. I'm not going to lie and say everything is all peaches and cream, but at least I am not where I used to be a few months ago. Hang in there man...minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

^^^^^ This and also no matter what path you take forward you are going to be in a new relationship.
Whether that is with your ex-wife, stbxw or a new one.
Being here teaches you new things and what you have done wrong so you don't continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.
That is not what any of us want.

Right?

[Dawgs]

Well said, Cadet.

[WshIKnw]

Yeah, I said the choice is all theirs, to cheat. But would they have been interested in making the choice, if they were getting what they needed at home? Which is on us. Some spouses get everything that they need at home, but cheat anyway. My wife was not getting everything she needed. I would argue with her when she'd come to me asking for things that I didn't really want to do. I wouldn't usually say no, but I'd defend my position. I had no idea that me sleeping in the other room during the week bothered her so much. I told her several times it was solely for the purpose of me sleeping better, because I would get woken up by her in the early morning and not be able to go back to sleep, but apparently she still felt rejected by it. Maybe she didn't believe me. She did say that she wondered what I was doing on the computer late at night. I told her. She later strongly wondered whether I was having cybersex (at least that's what the post-BD wife said, who is harder to trust).

[Dawgs]

You are making excuses where there are none to be made.

[WshIKnw]

Right, Cadet.

[Bdog37]

Quote:

It's often not all of the cheating spouse's fault when they cheat. Sometimes we lead them to it. Are they 100% to blame for making the choice?


Excuse me, but I will call BS on that one. That sounds like the WWS line. There is no way that we are responsible for those sort of actions. They know right from wrong and make the decision themselves. It's totally on their shoulders. Now, the breakdown of the marriage can be placed on ours, but not an affair. No way.

I would also have to disagree. It is not the fault of the LBS for our spouses to decide on cheating. Their actions may be the result of feeling underappreciated in the M, but it gives them no excuse to do what they did. My W tried blaming me for her actions and I would not stand for it. I told her that I was sorry for my shortcomings in our M, but what she did is inexcusable and she is to blame for that. It takes two to make a M work and by having an A she was not working on the M at all. They can't blame us to make themselves feel better about their choices they made.

[WshIKnw]

If the only reason a wife cheats is because she wasn't getting what she needed in the marriage, and if it was the H's fault that she wasn't getting what she needed, how could the H not be partially at fault? Whether the H chooses to take any blame or not for his wife cheating, he better make d*mn sure he avoids neglecting his women in the future, if he was guilty of neglecting his wife, that's all I'm saying. If I lose my wife for good because of this, I want to learn as much as I can from this and not make the same mistakes again.

[Dawgs]

Is a bartender responsible for drunk driving?

[WshIKnw]

Please don't anyone take this as me arguing with you and being disrespectful. I'm just really scared, and just want to feel confident that I'm making the right decisions. Let's say DB works X% of the time, and doesn't work Y% of the time. Why doesn't it work for those in the Y%? Could it be because the techniques just don't work on a certain set of people? Jeep says the techniques didn't work on his wife, that they made his situation worse. I'm so concerned that some people need attention from time to time, when we are supposed to be doing no contact. How do we know NC works on everyone? I am a H accused of being neglectful. I can have solace in the fact (even though it may have been a mistake) that I have already pursued her a lot, through the month of December and some in January. So, if she needed pursuit, she got it then and could have responded more positively to it, but didn't. I just worry that at some point, some sort of pursuit is needed from me to her. What if she thinks I'm okay with all of this, that the feelings are mutual? So, why not just go ahead and end it all and go our separate ways? How is that helping my cause?

[WshIKnw]

Is a bartender responsible for drunk driving?

Aren't they often required to not give more drinks to someone who is clearly wasted and is planning to drive home? Maybe it varies by state. I think they are required to monitor the people they are surviving. If they see a drunk guy go get in a vehicle, they are likely obligated to try to stop him, or call the police.