Vinny, is interesting you bring up your post (unwitting) DB success. When my H and I were saying, we broke up twice. Each time he came back after I went dark.
I'm no expert, as I'm going through the separation process now, but I'd say don't give up. It doesn't really follow that there is nothing left to save. If you recognize done of the things you can do differently and be better at them, you should DB to stabilize things them work on the aspects of the MR after that. IMHO.
The point of my post really is if I've had to do this twice already, perhaps there is nothing left to save.
Has anyone encountered a R with similar situations?
I think that becomes YOUR choice on it.
It is not unusual for their to be lots of confusion at the start of a WAS/WAW/MLC.
Part of DB'ing is how you put things back together.
Their was a poster here about 12 years ago, that I know, that had her husband come and go 8 times before it became permanent. So you are not the first to have this scenario.
Hey everyone. I promised to give an update so here it is:
The past few months have been a rollercoaster. Leading into the Holidays, I was starting to get a hang of detaching and talking to a DB counselor. I was trying to get the hang of "lovingly" detaching (still am).
Anyways, at this time I was detaching with some success BUT still snooping. I found my wife being extremely friendly, as I tried to validate engage when talked to, but still keep her a bit at a distance. With all this said, I began to see my situation from a neutral perspective without emotion. I began to see the possibilities of a life without my wife - and I began to see she was not the person I thought.
This mindset of mine continued for several weeks until a week before xmas. It is here where I started to cave. I was getting caught up in her friendliness and giving my kids one last great xmas as a family. I didn't pursue, but I did start to engage in talks of the future and do things with her and make plans around her again. Sounds great until I snooped and found her declaring her devotion to OM and that she would always love him more than anything no matter how little they could be together or see each other. Boom reality check.
Her attitude continued positive until we went to her sisters for the week of xmas. She lives in NC and the minute we got there, she shut down. Didn't engage with any family activities all week. And I was reminded of the self absorbed person my wife has become. She literally missed out on all the big things small things that make spending time with your family specia - so she could surf the internet and needlessly check in at work.
We work a lot - and the fact she could care less with a sacred week off to spend time with her family is mind boggling to me. This angers me more than our own broken relationship - that she is literally throwing away and refusing to engage in special moments that you can never get back with your children. What kind of mother does this??? Needless to say I was smacked in the face with the reality that things were not getting better and probably weren't.
After the new year things have gone south fast. I have found myself on a rollercoaster. From being loving and positive but detached - to cold and distant. I know it's bad but I can't seem to keep my mood straight. My wife noticed and stared to ask me what the hell is wrong with me, and in more aggressive terms: you better watch your atttitude or else. I react very distant with these confrontations. Usually with a "nothing's wrong" or an "ok".
So the latest twist. During one of my cold and distant days, my wife brought up the possibility of me being able to sleep in our bed again (yes, she feels completely in the right to not let me sleep there - says I snore and that she can't sleep with other people in bed.). My reactions was uninterested. To this she asked me flat out and very matter of fact with no emotion: "are you planning to leave me?" She asked in a way that she almost wanted me to say yes. She caught me off guard and I think I gave the worst answer I could have possibly given. I said "no I don't want to. Where would I go?" I feel I missed a good opportunity to address the affair here with a dumb answer that made me look pathetic and needy. She has since that encounter almost completely shut down. I really feel I lost traction and am reeling. I have no momentum...
I am feeling some of the benefits of detaching, working on my life and self esteem a bit more, but living with my wife with two kids to care for - is making it very hard to be consistent with my actions. I feel this has been my biggest downfall. For both the hope of my relationship and my own well-being. Help.
It sounds like you still didn't fully understand the DR book you read and didn't come up with any goals. That's why you're stuck. You've just made it so you don't fight but you haven't done anything beyond that. What are your goals and your timeline?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You're right about my goals. I have really struggled with goals beyond working on myself: going to the gym and eating better, focusing on my career to ensure it's in a good place (I'm having job issues right now), going out once a week with friends. Those are more ACTIONS than goals. Again I am struggling to define them. I have been really focused on TRYING to detach correctly. I'm going to go back to the book like you suggest and think about more tangible reachable goals.
As for a timeline - I do not have one. I keep trying to just become more comfortable with the fact we may not be together and trying to tackle the realities that come with that (kids finances etc.) I reached out to a lawyer this morning.
The latest is that I have found out that she has ended her A with the OM. She wanted to keep it going, he did not. And she is spiraling into a deep depression about it.
I remember something from Sandi2 talking about the withdrawal phase after an A has ended. Similar to an addict. I can see things are going to get a lot harder. She has gone cold and I can see the anger and resentment building toward me again. I'm going to play it as cool as I can and try to to be to distant but not allow her to enge me in her mental warfare. Does anyone have experience with the WW when they are reeling after an affair that want to keep going, ends? I have not seen a lot of that here.
The latest is that I have found out that she has ended her A with the OM. She wanted to keep it going, he did not. And she is spiraling into a deep depression about it.
Stay away from that one, my friend. She's on her own road. Don't offer a shoulder or help.
Quote:
I can see things are going to get a lot harder. She has gone cold and I can see the anger and resentment building toward me again. I'm going to play it as cool as I can and try to to be to distant but not allow her to enge me in her mental warfare. Does anyone have experience with the WW when they are reeling after an affair that want to keep going, ends? I have not seen a lot of that here.
The only way I can figure that anger and resentment is being built towards you is if you had a hand in the ending of her affair. Regardless, don't let it bother you.
There is nothing you can or should do in her case. Remember, she left you and the marriage to be with someone else, including sleeping with them. Sorry to put that in there, but so many times on here people are willing to overlook that aspect. That's the ultimate disrespect. The question that you should be asking yourself is why do you want to do anything that could help her?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Her anger and resentment toward me is what led to me becoming suspicious. It is her rewriting history to make everything my fault to justify her A. Not to say some things ARENT my fault but her choosing to have the affair is not my fault and she has totally skew her perception of me to justify.
Good question in terms of why I would want to help her. I guess it's not helping her as much as trying to figure out how to DB around it. The more I detach the further away she gets. Part of me is fighting with the rationale of it all. In my case I think she uses it as logs on her fire that I am in the wrong. In short I feel my detaching is just quickening the process for her to come to a conclusion that she never wants to be back with me.
I guess it's the point. She needs to follow this road on her own and I have to live with the fact - and be prepared for - that her road might be a one way street to her never wanting to consider trying to save our marriage.
Her anger and resentment toward me is what led to me becoming suspicious. It is her rewriting history to make everything my fault to justify her A. Not to say some things ARENT my fault but her choosing to have the affair is not my fault and she has totally skew her perception of me to justify.
Vinny,
Rewriting history is still somewhat of a mystery to me. I understand the cognitive dissonance created when the WAS is vilifying the LBS in order to create emotional distance, but they also seem to truly believe the nonsense that they spew. It's hard to wrap your mind around it; I wouldn't believe that someone could be so removed from reality except for the fact that I lived through it myself.
So I got home tonight and my wife is literally not talking to me. I am now seriously thinking she will ask for some sort of separation or divorce. It's making me think of how I should react to that? I obviously have no choice but to accept, but no idea what I would should do if it happens. I guess I'll figure it out in the moment?
