Re dinner...you all say cancel dinner? I'm surprised. I thought it was good that she was asking me out? I guess I shouldn't be available all the time? I'm a newbie!
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I wouldn't move out of the MBR. She's the one that's got the problem, then she should be the one to move out of the MBR. Don't make it too easy for her by doing this yourself. So what is she gets miffed...she's going to have a whole lot more than this to get miffed over before the D is over and done with.
Again, if she's not happy, then she should be the one to move out of the house. She needs to see what it's going to be like if she has to live on her own, pay her own bills, etc. The inconvenience of a move should be one her, not you. Again, it's her problem...not yours. Don't move out until the divorce is finalized and a determination is made as to who is going to buy the other one out or the place is sold.
Just joining the chorus: don't leave the MBR and don't move out.
My h moved himself to the smallest bedroom in the whole house (the only one left). He is a tall/broad guy. Before I found this place, I offered to switch rooms with him because I felt sorry for him (hah!). Thankfully, he was in his thick fog and in a huff, said no. I got so lucky! He's been holed up there for 2 years now!
And definitely don't move out. This could go on for years. Some of them start the filing and then it's "oh look! Squirrel!" and they are off to something completely different. You just don't know what they are going to do and they are 100% emotions so you need to do what is best for you.
And I agree; be way less available. She is cake eating! "Let me file for D, then have dinner with you so that I can feel okay about all this because we're besties."
She is the one who wants to flip over the apple cart. Let her pick up the apples. You plot your own course and let her spin like the Tasmanian Devil.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thanks for the feedback--you guys are saving me from my stupid self. So either:
1. Do not move out of the house until the D is finalized. What about staying in the house but moving out of the MBR? I have also declined requests to leave the MBR. Or should I go back to, if you want space then you can move out of the MBR? That's what I said last time and she got pi$$ed, but then got over it.
or:
2. If I did agree to move out, it needs to be documented by both lawyers that this was agreed to and not abandonment and will have no bearing on the financial or custody settlement, right? I think my W would agree to that and it would protect me from the worst case scenario (which I don't expect, but I know I need to be prepared for anything).
Another echo here but after her initial questions the first thing my attorney told me was not to leave the house!
She's going to get mad whenever she doesn't get her way, so far it seems you're giving her what she wants. As soon as she doesn't get her way she will get nasty. She's in MLC, she's cheating, and she's the one acting out, there is no reason for you to leave. Would you move out for an unruly teen or let the unruly teen take the MBR? In a lot of ways it's nearly the same thing. I wouldn't even consider #2.
1. Thanks to everyone for the feedback yesterday--it was really helpful. Here's a quick recap: I said something came up and I couldn't meet for dinner. She stayed up for me (which never happens) and wanted to spend time with me when I got home; no R or D talk...we just talked about topics of mutual interest for a long time and enjoyed each others company; she sat very close to me and made eye contact but didn't touch me; I was getting tired and went to bed before my W...I was drifting off to sleep and then my W came to bed and initiated ML. It was an enjoyable time together...not reading anything else into it.
2. So here's something that I want to improve in my next R (with my W or someone else). My W complains that I am a great/involved dad...so much so that I prioritized the children above her...and this complaint/failure as a H haunts me. Here's one of countless examples: One of my sons is a really good football player. I love to go to his games and watch him play. My W loves my son but does not enjoy watching youth sports. However, W will go to one or two games a season. And when she is there sitting next to me, she does not watch the game--she just wants to talk to me. If I don't look in her eyes--and ignore the game--and have an engaged conversation with her, she gets upset. We say nothing...she is annoyed that I wasn't giving her my undivided attention and I am annoyed that she is annoyed and wouldn't let me just watch the game...we never discuss it and the resentment builds. So is this Gordie prioritizing my son over my W, being a bad H...or is it just bad conflict avoidance/conflict resolution and miscommunication? Now that I know the 5LL...I know my W felt starved of quantity time/attention/conversation from me (her primary LL)...and maybe was just trying to get some of her love bucket filled by spending more time with me...and then I left it empty because I couldn't/didn't see that that was what she was wanted...because I thought we were going to watch my son play in a football game?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
So here's something that I want to improve in my next R (with my W or someone else). My W complains that I am a great/involved dad...so much so that I prioritized the children above her...and this complaint/failure as a H haunts me. Here's one of countless examples: One of my sons is a really good football player. I love to go to his games and watch him play. My W loves my son but does not enjoy watching youth sports. However, W will go to one or two games a season. And when she is there sitting next to me, she does not watch the game--she just wants to talk to me. If I don't look in her eyes--and ignore the game--and have an engaged conversation with her, she gets upset. We say nothing...she is annoyed that I wasn't giving her my undivided attention and I am annoyed that she is annoyed and wouldn't let me just watch the game...we never discuss it and the resentment builds. So is this Gordie prioritizing my son over my W, being a bad H...or is it just bad conflict avoidance/conflict resolution and miscommunication? Now that I know the 5LL...I know my W felt starved of quantity time/attention/conversation from me (her primary LL)...and maybe was just trying to get some of her love bucket filled by spending more time with me...and then I left it empty because I couldn't/didn't see that that was what she was wanted...because I thought we were going to watch my son play in a football game?
I think that you are putting a lot more into this than is there...
I know that you are using this as an example, however...
I wonder if this is something that she used as a complaint about you, before or after the bomb ???
And I go back to, looking back over your shoulder, to make sure that you are doing this correct or that the right way.
How do YOU feel about those situations ?
An MLCer will find blame in every interaction towards the LBS. It's part of the script that they follow. Hell, I was responsible for the Popemobile having a flat tire once....
Now, if you are in the throws of passion then maybe I would say that you shouldn't be watching football, or if you are with the intent of spending time together, then yes...
But I would maybe try to look inward on this before you pull the plug on yourself.
So maybe I would say that half of this is on you, and it is something that you should work on IF you want to act differently...
And I would also say that part of this is on the MLC, attention seeking behavior...
The half that is on you....
I will say once again that you should check out Venus and Mars...
Understand that emotional/physical divide between us cavemen, and our superior counterparts....
I would also suggest that you read the 5LL book again...
There is a difference between how we feel loved, yet there is typically a difference in how we GIVE love....
You might feel loved if you have physical touch with a Sasquatch...
Yet you might give love if you were to read him a bedtime story at night ( quality time)...
So maybe think about that, and see how you give, versus receiving love...
Ultimately....the decision that you make should be yours...
It seems like it's hard for you to criticize your wife. Am I right? Your wife going to your son's game and being needy and not paying attention to the game -- that's LAME. Sorry man, gotta call it for what it is. You are right to be absorbed by the game.
Which is not to say you should ignore her feelings and neediness and accommodate to an extent. But I do think you have to see it for what it is. It's your wife's shortcoming, not yours.
About your wife coming on to you ... you LUCKY SOGun. Like I said, order dessert first and eat it while you can.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Out of all the mirror work and things I have changed in myself, being in the moment for my sons sports would never be one of them.
Some of the gripes/complaints the MLCrs have may have some merit ... mine had a list longer than my arm, most were just things she was pointing out to justify her actions, some were her own projections but there were some that had merit, some I worked on and some I actually looked at and said "Ya know what ... nope I am keeping that one"
A lot of us guys here are chronic fixers, do not fix something just to satisfy her... that's counter productive. Fix it for you
Hey Gordie - Just agreeing with Mach1, ForGump & CaliGuy there...
There's nothing wrong with going to your son's football games and being engaged in them. She's being unreasonable to expect you to attend these games and spend that time sitting in the stands talking to someone else. That's like going to a movie theater to play a video game on your phone.
You can examine your involvement in your children's lives and decide for yourself if you really do prioritize the kids above her, as she claims.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
