WH came back. Piecing. Almost at 2 year mark.

[BluWave]

Thanks, JR. I have kept this place to myself, but you are right, it could help him. He's not very good in the GAL department; he mostly just works, spends time with our kids, drives them to their activities, and occasionally sees friends/famiky or grabs a beer. When he does DB and follow Sandi's rules (by his own nature) it makes it VERY hard to walk away. He's present, he's kind, he's responsible, hes extremely patient, he's a great dad, and he's flexible and generous (because I love my free time)---and so I know I would be a fool to walk away. I understand the strategy, but it still works on me! Lol.

Train! I remember you! I'm so glad you're here! Thank you!

My BD was Summer 2014 and I started reading here often: I remember all of you (25, TO, Starsky, Sandi, Wonka, V, etc) and it's so nice to still read your posts! There were so many sleepless nights and days of paralysis, and the only thing I could do was open my iPad and read along. It helped me not feel alone and I took so many nuggets away from it. Honestly, if I hadn't had this site, I don't know that I could have stuck this out for so long.

Thank you for telling me I'm not alone. There are not many posters in piecing and so the LBS look to us for direction. I often feel I should be more appreciative that he is back and working so hard. But I keep moving 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. I have a big wall up. A fierce wall with a lioness at the gate.

I think it's time I roll up my sleeves and tackle this chit a litttle harder. You are correct, this would not have happened if we were both happy. I think I was in a place where my "in love feelings" some how washed over what was wrong in the M. I wasn't the best partner and still have some changes to make. I had trouble seeing it because we had several hardships pre-BD that we were focused on in our families (death, mental illness, hardships, etc) AND he was king of the Nice Guy club, so i couldn't see him suffering. He didn't complain much, he grit his teeth. And there was OW--pursing, validating, bad mouthing me, and stroking his ego.

I am going to put myself out there and list a few of the things he brought up that were issues for him past and somewhat present:

1. I was controlling, even when he was being accomodating.
2. At times he felt like I talked down to him.
3. I created free time for myself and he wasn't able to do that.

That's a start. I know I need to work on these things.

It's a sunny day and we just took the dogs for a walk at the beach. Gotta run. Be back later. Keep it coming, I'm strong,I can take it!!!

Blu

[Train]

I think it's time I roll up my sleeves and tackle this chit a litttle harder.

Yep. One of the hardest parts about these ordeals is realizing that we contributed to the cracks in the foundations of our Ms, and we DO have to put in the work - and it IS work - to piece it back together. Otherwise, it's dead in the water, even if we are living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed.

And there was OW--pursing, validating, bad mouthing me, and stroking his ego.



1. I was controlling, even when he was being accomodating.
2. At times he felt like I talked down to him.
3. I created free time for myself and he wasn't able to do that.

Good list! I think us girls have a lot of that ^^^ in common. At least it seems so, from things I've read over the years. Try letting go a little. My motto, in many circumstances, has become: "Sometimes peace is better than being right." And remember Wonka stressing the importance of being "breezy"? I've carried a lot of that with me into piecing. Sometimes, for us controlling folks, doing nothing is everything we need to do ... a perfect 180.

It's a sunny day and we just took the dogs for a walk at the beach.

FUN!

[BluWave]

Thanks, Train! I am now thinking that the term piecing does not only mean putting back together, but also doing so in smalll pieces. It's got to be a slow process, one piece at a time. I tend to tackle too much and set myself up for failure.

In DB fashion I am going to keep focusing on me and what I can change. I am excelling in the GAL department; I have lots of new hobbies, activities, volunteer work, friendships, and things I enjoy. I think I am better here than ever before. I am grateful for this and therefore starting to wean off my ADs. I feel happy overall most days. I enjoy my alone time more than ever. I feel stronger and not afraid of losing H anymore because of all this.

As for my 180s, well that is much harder. Here are a few small changes I can make on a daily basis, mostly in my M, but perhaps in all my Rs to an extent.

1. Listen and not interrupt
2. Go along with his ideas even if I think mine are better
3. Tell him when I appreciate something
4. Ask him how I can support him having free time and follow through
5. Initiate affection
6. Not text so much (he hates that)
7. Not disagree or argue in front of the kids
8. Remind myself that being right isn't more important than hearing and understanding others, especially H.
9. Being mindful of the way I talk to others and not to talk at them
10. Letting those little annoyances roll off my back

Ok I think that's more than enough for now!

Blu

[Train]

All sounds fantastic. And YES! Bravo on this new realization of "piecing." You are spot-on!!!!! Have patience with yourself.

[LITB]

I would also like to know more about Retrouvaille, especially how it was for someone that is not catholic.

Hi Blu,

My W and I attended Retrouvaille after our first recon. It was very helpful and very profound. I am not Catholic.

I highly recommend it whether you are Catholic or not. You and your H will learn to communicate on a different level. It is also helpful to go in there with an open heart. You will be doing some serious work and digging into some deep emotions.

It was the husband of the hosting couple that helped me get over some of the challenges you are experiencing after our second recon. Talk about getting a 2x4.

I think you will find it to be helpful.

[BluWave]

Thank you, Train, do you have a link to your previous threads?

LITB, that is great to hear! Maybe I should give this a go. Did you attend in SF? Your location is listed as SF. I am wondering what the differences are and if some locations are better than others. Would love to read more about it or read your threads too.

This is super helpful everyone. Thank you all for reading and posting.

I am going to try and do this piecing in smaller pieces and see how it works. I appreciate all the feedback, ideas, and advice. I am all about the tough love too. So don't hold back, even if you're not in my shoes.

Blu

[Coconut]

Thanks, Train! I am now thinking that the term piecing does not only mean putting back together, but also doing so in smalll pieces. It's got to be a slow process, one piece at a time. I tend to tackle too much and set myself up for failure.

In DB fashion I am going to keep focusing on me and what I can change. I am excelling in the GAL department; I have lots of new hobbies, activities, volunteer work, friendships, and things I enjoy. I think I am better here than ever before. I am grateful for this and therefore starting to wean off my ADs. I feel happy overall most days. I enjoy my alone time more than ever. I feel stronger and not afraid of losing H anymore because of all this.

As for my 180s, well that is much harder. Here are a few small changes I can make on a daily basis, mostly in my M, but perhaps in all my Rs to an extent.

1. Listen and not interrupt
2. Go along with his ideas even if I think mine are better
3. Tell him when I appreciate something
4. Ask him how I can support him having free time and follow through
5. Initiate affection
6. Not text so much (he hates that)
7. Not disagree or argue in front of the kids
8. Remind myself that being right isn't more important than hearing and understanding others, especially H.
9. Being mindful of the way I talk to others and not to talk at them
10. Letting those little annoyances roll off my back

Ok I think that's more than enough for now!

Blu

Blu,

Working on validating will cover most of these, it forces you to listen so you can understand and repeat what they are saying (can't text when doing that), but I think you also need to find that place where you want to hear what he has to say. I think that is part of the respect and admiration that a man needs, we need to feel that our W is looking to us to make decisions and guide the family unit.

I know you've said that your husband has put in a lot of work to end the nice guy syndrome, but he needs to put that in action when he wants free time. They are your kids too, and if he can't take them somewhere because he needs to do something else, he needs to tell you that or cancel the kids plans. He needs to put himself first sometimes.

[LITB]

We attended the Oakland chapter, because the timing worked better for us at the time. The one in SF would have been more convenient, because we live on the Peninsula and that one takes place in Millbrae.

Anyhow, they are all designed to use the same dialogue technique. It consist of a weekend, followed with 6-8 post sessions. It's been awhile, so I don't exactly remember the number of post sessions. The post sessions are essentially a dedicated day to continue what was started over the weekend. Ours were every other Saturday.

My description is rather vague, but it was beyond worthwhile.

[25yearsmlc]

Blu

I lack the time for a proper reply. I just wanted to echo that Retrovaille was the single best thing we did in "piecing". Without it, our recon would not have lasted this long.

And I would not have felt safe.

Another workshop that's aimed at individual's personal growth, is Essential Experience, aka 'EE". (It's in Philadelphia, however.)

It's experiential, not so much lectures. So that means it's helpful in reaching your real feelings, as you don't have time to rehearse or edit your responses. It was like 2 years of therapy in a long weekend. I found it to be the most profound inward search I've ever taken.
Regular weekly counseling gets interrupted after an hour, b/c you have to return to work or pick up the kids, etc. That gets fragmented. So either Retrovaille or EE would give you a jump start on the whole process of making a m work for both. You identify issues and come up with an action plan for resolving them.

H and I did EE in the late 1980's and it really brought us closer. H said EE was "more efficient" than weekly therapy. BTW, I attended EE for childhood baggage I wanted to ditch, and how it affected my work, etc. I did not attend EE for working on my m, then. But afterwards it so dramatically improved our interactions, that H went on his own 6 months later. Then we went together. Very bonding.

Of course like anything, if you don't keep it up, you can and will backslide.


(Oh and with EE, you don't have to go together, if child care is an issue. )

More later...

[leahsue]

Hi Blu,
I don't know if you've read any of my posts, but if so, do you have any advice to add to my upcoming first visit with my H? I've gone back and read a lot of your story, and I have so much respect and admiration for where you've been, as well as your current position- especially your honesty about maybe his coming back is not how you thought it would be.