Well, after my last session with my therapist we decided it was time. It was extremely difficult but it was a semi-liberating feeling to say to myself "it's time for you to think about you and let her know!". So, yesterday I met with WW and told her that her actions have told me that she doesn't want to see if what we have is rebuildable. I just need her to verbalize it for the finality of it. I told her it's time for me to move forward with or without her and that her choice needs to come VERY soon. I suppose I did give an ultimatum which is frowned upon, but after talking with my counselor I truly believe it is what is right for ME. I told her she is going to hurt one of us (me or AP) and it's time for her to decide which one it will be. I told her that she put herself in this situation and that I am not happy to push her to make such difficult decisions but at this time it is what I must do for ME. She seemed to understand but was absolutely devastated.
Definitely the second most difficult conversation I've ever had (BD was #1), but I strongly feel that it had to be done. I know most of you here won't agree with me because its only been about 6 months, but I finally reached a breaking point I suppose and my counselor truly feels that this was the correct course of action for me. Don't hit me too hard with the 2x4's please LOL.
Anyway, I feel ok today. It feels a bit overwhelming to have finally REALLY verbalized how I feel about the A to her and I may have divulged a few too many details of the A that she didn't know that I know, but I still have some hidden away for a rainy day just in case. She could tell I was serious and this is the very first time in all of this I feel like she 100% knew I am NOT just going to keep this up...I AM DONE with waiting on a decision.
It always feels good to make a decision. It doesn't matter if it's the right or wrong one, we always feel relief. It's hard for the human brain to endure uncertainty and pain. That's why people commit suicide.
Which is why DivorceBusting is so difficult. It requires you to be patient and stay in uncertainty and sometimes pain for a long time while you work on your marriage.
How do you feel that your actions match the DivorceBusting program? Does your counselor know about DivorceBusting and how it works? Is it a marriage counselor? Have you read in the Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting books about the problem with individual counselors vs. marriage counseling?
I am curious about one of your statements about revealing what you know about the A. You say 'I still have some hidden away for a rainy day just in case' - what do you mean by that? How do you foresee using that information?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
My goal is to have a partner that loves and respects me
How is this a goal? Sure you can find a partner that loves/respects you, but its not something you can actively work on or aim for because that isn't under your control. However, you can set a goal to be someone who can be loved/respected by changing your behaviors, etc.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
My goal is to have a partner that loves and respects me
How is this a goal? Sure you can find a partner that loves/respects you, but its not something you can actively work on or aim for because that isn't under your control. However, you can set a goal to be someone who can be loved/respected by changing your behaviors, etc.
Your main goal is to find someone who puts you as priority?
Your goals shouldn't rely on someone else. You are looking to others to make decisions for you. Make yourself a priority and don't put that job in someone elses hands.
Having a new R with someone who choses to prioritize you is more of an outcome rather than a goal.
I suppose you all are correct. The better thing for to have done is just file for D. I really am indifferent at this point. I know that deep down I still love her, but really when I go for days/weeks without talking to her I am in a really good place mentally and emotionally. I am ready to start another relationship whether it be her or someone else. At this point I am actually even excited about it. Of course I am nervous, but excited none the less. I truly hate that it has come to this, but I feel that mentally/emotionally I am now where I need to be. I have done so much GAL and meeting new people over the last little while that I am just in so much of a better place. I have worked very diligently with my therapist to correct some of my characteristics that I wanted to change and have been extremely successful. With all of this said, I am ready to see what the future holds for me in the dating world. I am ready to have a partner in crime to travel with. I am ready. I understand there will be hiccups along the way, but really I can't express to you all in words how "at peace" I have felt over the last couple weeks with just being me and looking at what I have accomplished and what I have decided to do.
My goal is to have a partner that loves and respects me
How is this a goal? Sure you can find a partner that loves/respects you, but its not something you can actively work on or aim for because that isn't under your control. However, you can set a goal to be someone who can be loved/respected by changing your behaviors, etc.
Your main goal is to find someone who puts you as priority?
Your goals shouldn't rely on someone else. You are looking to others to make decisions for you. Make yourself a priority and don't put that job in someone elses hands.
Having a new R with someone who choses to prioritize you is more of an outcome rather than a goal.
I already put myself as a priority. I love me, I respect me, I like me. I will not rely on someone else to make me happy, only to add to my happiness. I truly am happy with myself. I am happy with who I have become. I am happy with the intraspection that I have done. I am happy with the positive lasting changes that I have made. I am happy with how I handled everything (for the most part with some obvious slip ups). I am happy with my career, personality, looks, core values, ect...I am ready to share these with someone again...maybe not something super serious, but someone that can and will appreciate what I have and am, as well as will add to my overall happiness.
But are you putting yourself as a priority? You are making your decisions on what she tells you. You need to hear certain things to make decisions on what is right for YOU.
Well, that's fine if you've decided to close the door on your marriage - but I can tell you right now - you aren't ready to date...
I'm pleased if you feel at peace, but give yourself plenty of time for things to settle before you think about another relationship. At least a year after any divorce is finalised is recommended.
If you are in any doubt about what I'm saying, Google 'relationships and entanglements' and read the article that pops up. It will provide food for thought I promise...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am ready to start another relationship whether it be her or someone else.
I hope that you tell the new girl you meet that 'deep down', you are still in love with your ex wife. Id be interested to see if shes OK with continuing to date you.
Originally Posted By: Laowai
With all of this said, I am ready to see what the future holds for me in the dating world. I am ready to have a partner in crime to travel with. I am ready.
You want my honest opinion? It sounds like you are impatient. You are ready like someone in the waiting room at a doctor's office is ready to go in. Like, you dont really know whats coming, but you dont like sitting and waiting and feel like you need to do something. To me, your phrasing here reeks of impatience and loneliness. You just told your wife that she needs to decide whether or not to be with you, and youre already chomping at the bit to replace her?
For me personally, I started dating about 8 months after BD, 6 months after separation and within 2 weeks of the D being finalized. I know now that it was too soon. I got impatient, and while I was starting to date again, I definitely had a lot of trouble working through the end of my marriage. Were I to do it again, I would have probably waited another few months.
Really? You think? Not even casually? Not saying I am looking for my soulmate or someone to spend life with.....
I find this statement a bit obtuse. How can a generalization be made that a person isn't ready to "date" when the word "date" itself means something different in different peoples eyes. Does this mean that for a year (again an arbitrary timeframe set by a standard defined by what exactly?) I can't go on a date? Can't go to a movie with a person of the opposite sex? Can't have consentual sex with someone even with the undertanding by both parties that it is just casual? Can't attend weddings as a date?
Where do these "general rules of thumb" come from? I understand that one of you can probably come up with some statistics to back this, but really ask yourselves the questions above. If it is known by both parties that neither party is looking for something serious, merely someone to enjoy time with and possibly have some physical fun with for the time being, who is to say that I am not ready? Who is to say that there is a timeframe on this? I do appreciate the words of warning, but I just find statements like yours WAY too generalized.
