I'm Back :( #3

[Dawgs]

For me, XH contacted me using a particular email address and I just took that account off my phone. It was freeing that I could leave the house and I wouldn't know if he had been in touch. Yes, I would check my iPad later, but I wasn't on edge waiting for a 'ding' to say I had an email. It was more on my terms.

I like this. A lot.

[Laowai]

Well, after my last session with my therapist we decided it was time. It was extremely difficult but it was a semi-liberating feeling to say to myself "it's time for you to think about you and let her know!". So, yesterday I met with WW and told her that her actions have told me that she doesn't want to see if what we have is rebuildable. I just need her to verbalize it for the finality of it. I told her it's time for me to move forward with or without her and that her choice needs to come VERY soon. I suppose I did give an ultimatum which is frowned upon, but after talking with my counselor I truly believe it is what is right for ME. I told her she is going to hurt one of us (me or AP) and it's time for her to decide which one it will be. I told her that she put herself in this situation and that I am not happy to push her to make such difficult decisions but at this time it is what I must do for ME. She seemed to understand but was absolutely devastated.

Definitely the second most difficult conversation I've ever had (BD was #1), but I strongly feel that it had to be done. I know most of you here won't agree with me because its only been about 6 months, but I finally reached a breaking point I suppose and my counselor truly feels that this was the correct course of action for me. Don't hit me too hard with the 2x4's please LOL.

Anyway, I feel ok today. It feels a bit overwhelming to have finally REALLY verbalized how I feel about the A to her and I may have divulged a few too many details of the A that she didn't know that I know, but I still have some hidden away for a rainy day just in case. She could tell I was serious and this is the very first time in all of this I feel like she 100% knew I am NOT just going to keep this up...I AM DONE with waiting on a decision.

[Gordie]

Bravo! DR says you can give an ultimatum when you can't put up with it anymore and are willing to back it up with actions...including d. You did what was right for you. You sound like you are in a good place.

[MoveFrwd]

"it's time for you to think about you and let her know!".

Can you read this and see that it makes no sense? If you are thinking about you, then why do you need to 'let her know'? To me, that sounds like pressure and manipulation to try to get her to think or feel or do something. Your words dont mean anything. It's your actions. If you stop having talks with her, stop treating her like your W, start living your life, you will get the message across much more clearly than saying "It's time to think about me."

If it's truly 'about you', then its your mindset and actions that need to reflect that. Telling her about it, in my opinion, is not reflecting the words that you are saying.

So, yesterday I met with WW and told her that her actions have told me that she doesn't want to see if what we have is rebuildable.

Do you see what I mean?

I just need her to verbalize it for the finality of it.

Why does everything have to be so FINAL? Feelings change. Thats why they are feelings.

Think about this. After you eat a big meal, are you still hungry? If you asked that person that just ate all that food if, judging by their current feeling, they will ever want to eat again, they will say no. Of course, as rational human beings, we know that in a few hours, we'll be hungry again. But if you are forced to go off just that stuffed feeling without the knowledge of the digestive system, Im guessing youd say that 'no', you dont want to eat again.

Thats what youre doing here. You are basing your actions on what shes feeling after eating a huge meal. So what happens in 3 weeks or 3 months or 3 years when she's hungry again? Thats why Im so against "FINAL" decisions. They dont mean anything. Life is fluid. Live your life, let her live hers. If your paths cross, reevaluate then.

I told her it's time for me to move forward with or without her and that her choice needs to come VERY soon.

Again, do you see why this makes no sense. You say youre going to move forward with or without her. Then why do you need her to make a decision. You make YOUR decisions. Dont force her onto your timeline. Do whats best for you....either she is going to come along or not.

I AM DONE with waiting on a decision.

Oh you are? It sounds like you are exactly waiting for a decision.......

[Laowai]

This is a very good viewpoint. I appreciate your input. mY next "Action" is filing for D...I wanted to have verbalized decision from her before doing so. Maybe it is stupid, but I feel it's what I want/need.

[Ginger1]

Read what Kaizen said again. It's golden.

[MoveFrwd]

This is a very good viewpoint. I appreciate your input. mY next "Action" is filing for D...I wanted to have verbalized decision from her before doing so. Maybe it is stupid, but I feel it's what I want/need.

Lets take a step back from wants and needs.

1) What are you goals? How does filing for divorce help you to achieve them?

2) What are you expecting to be different once you file? How about once the divorce is finalized?

[Dawgs]

Goals should never be about the spouse, no?

[Laowai]

My goal is to have a partner that loves and respects me. MY W or someone else. I will not break my vows though, so it is time. So you asked what will be different: I can legally and ethically look for that partner that I just mentioned. I really do appreciate everyone's input, and it is extremely valuable. I will no longer take a backseat, I will no longer be second place. She will put me as her priority, or I will find someone who will. I like who I am, I know what I want, and someone out there will like me too....It. Is. Time.

[Sotto]

Hmm, I would stick to using your therapist for general emotional support - and I would use this site to consider ways to move forwards in your current marital situation. My therapist suggested I ring XH and tell him exactly how I feel. I recall thinking that would be the exact opposite of what would be suggested here and decided not to do it.

Whilst you may feel you are giving yourself something you need - actually I think you are giving away your personal power. You are saying to her - please put me out of my misery here. Actually, you get to decide what happens in your life and with whom and when. If you are ready to file because you have reached that point, go ahead and file. You don't really need permission or an answer from her to do that.

A number of people do choose to file and I completely respect that. I chose not to file. My XH chose to file. I think the main thing is to look back and have no regrets about what you decided. If you can truly do that, then I think you have earned your way out of the marriage. Also, filing does not equal the end of pain.

My suggestion now would be to leave her be. Don't press her for an outcome. If she wants to come back to you she will. For me, weeks would pass before XH came back to me and I learned to pass the time pleasantly. And please post here before responding to her, we are here to help.

In the meantime, don't look to her to end your pain. She doesn't have that to offer. Start towards a path of healing on your own. Do nourishing things, look after yourself, work out, take up some new things, meet new people, meditate, read self-help books, practice gratitude. If you get yourself onto this path and follow it, this is what will start to bring an end to your pain. It will matter much less what she is doing and you will be much more detached.

Remember, DBing is about saving yourself first and foremost.