Gordie: trying to focus on me

[Sotto]

I would just say - thank you and then go about your business pleasantly

[SBJ]

Gord, I think FG is right. She already knows that you love her and that you don't think that the D is the right answer. When you stick with just that you are just reinforcing what she really already knows.

[Gordie]

Distance and pursuit update:

So w and I have been going out on weekly date nights for years. These continued after BD. These have always been my responsibility to initiate and plan. After the New Year and we started planning our d settlement, I stopped asking her out for the weekly date. I didn't say I was stopping. I just did. And today she asks me if I want to go out to dinner tonight. I said yes. No expectations. I know she still wants D. I'm just hoping we can enjoy the time together. Any advice? I don't want to screw this up!

[Mach1]

Many of us here have been accused of that by our WAS , and it is only through doing the work and being totally honest with ourselves that we can clearly see what is real, and what is script from them. Mostly, the selfish talk from a MLCer is projection from them...

You know, I really don't know...maybe it's not a fine line/black and white between selfish and selfless...maybe it's a really large grey area...and feel that it's right to be in that grey space...but I am too close to the selfless part (to my own detriment)...and need to move closer to the selfish part (for my own self preservation/not losing myself)...

So how would you define what being selfish is ??

What does that look like to you ??

I spend a lot of time replaying all of our conversations and her spew...and trying to determine the real criticisms that need to be worked on...and the ones that should be ignored...there are some things that are easy to determine...some that are harder...

When that burn goes up the back of your neck, you know what to look for...

And you change those things.

Those are the things that YOU don't like about yourself, and that is really all that matters for now...

The things that you change about yourself, are for you, and you alone...

Don't ever sell yourself for the sake of a marriage....

Follow the "sting"...

Thanks, man! You have no idea how helpful this is to me, to get your POV and advice. I don't even know who the true, authentic me is anymore...which I guess is your point. I have to go find him...do the hard work and find that guy that got lost.

Ayup....that is exactly my point...

Find Gordie....and the rest will fall exactly as the universe wants it to....

[Sotto]

Well, in terms of dinner out, I would just see it as that - a meal out with someone you know. So, approach it as you would if you were catching a bite to eat with a friend, colleague or neighbour.

Chat about some neutral 3rd party things - news item, music, hobby. Talk about the kids and keep it light and pleasant.

Maybe read the 37 rules before you go. And if she starts talking about D, or R or whatever, maybe say - W, I understand you want to talk about this. Let's do that another time when we're not out for dinner..

Take the pressure off yourself and remember one evening out never made or broke anything...

Have a pleasant evening

[Gordie]

Sotto--thanks for the sound advice...take the pressure off of ME...just have fun...I over-think everything with the W these days...

Another Q that has been in my mind that I'd love thoughts on:

So W is antsy to get physically separated ASAP. She doesn't want to wait until the D is finalized.

I had previously said I was going to stay in the house until the D is finalized and W agreed...of course, she thought once you agreed to D...it would be instantaneous. W's L informed her that you are at the mercy of the court's scheduling, so yes it could be weeks...but it also could be months.

Any thoughts on whether I should move out sooner than later before the D is finalized? This may come up at dinner tonight.


Arguments for staying in the house until D is finalized:

*It's what we previously agreed to and I like all of us under one roof.

*We're still nice to each other on a day to day basis, so not stressing out the kids or anything.

*We wind up spending time together every day, sometimes its cold and sometimes its warm, but it's always something.


Arguments for leaving the house before the D is finalized:

*R is stuck in neutral at this point (we have reached a new normal, situation is neither getting better nor worse), so maybe physically separating is a good next step to change things up?

*It may be easier for me to focus on myself.

*Perhaps absence will make my W's heart grow fonder (I know, I know...way, way, way too wishful thinking).

[Mach1]

I had previously said I was going to stay in the house until the D is finalized and W agreed...of course, she thought once you agreed to D...it would be instantaneous. W's L informed her that you are at the mercy of the court's scheduling, so yes it could be weeks...but it also could be months.

Any thoughts on whether I should move out sooner than later before the D is finalized? This may come up at dinner tonight.

Divorce is an ugly, ugly business...

I would strongly suggest that you do NOT move out of the house...

Let's say that you leave, under an agreement with a handshake deal with her...

And you are sitting in court ( most likely a mediator, but hey ), and you see that she is filing because you abandoned her...

Stranger things have happened....

I would stick with your decision to stay there, at least until the legal aspects are hashed out....AND SIGNED....

If it comes up at dinner, or at any other time....

A simple..."I hadn't changed my mind" will suffice.

Don't drag it out, don't get swept into that vortex of crazy...

Then back to your regularly scheduled programming...


I do wonder though , what would happen if you were to cancel dinner with her because something came up that you need to take care of....


No explanation...just a "I need to cancel dinner tonight, I have something that I need to do"


And then you went to actually do something....

[job]

I agree w/Mach 100%. Do not move out of the house. The legal system could very well say that you abandoned her and the home. I would not trust her w/just a handshake of any kind. MLCers are known to say things that we want to hear and then turn around and put the screws to us big time. Do not agree to anything w/o it being in writing, agreed to by each of you and witnessed, signed, dated and sealed. You can't trust her right now because she does not have your interests in mind. The only interests she has are hers.

I have seen so many cross this Board's threshold who have moved out and then slammed w/the abandonment case and yes, they all thought they knew their spouses and trusted them. The process leading up to a legal separation and/or divorce needs to be looked at as a business contract/deal that has gone terribly wrong. YOU have to be the sane one here and ensure that YOU are getting a fair deal. If you don't, trust me, the other legal team and your wife may very well take you to the cleaners and not blink an eye.

As for going out to dinner, I think I would find something else to do and cancel this date. Why? Because I'm sure the divorce and your moving out will most certainly come up. Once they are fixated on divorce and someone moving out, they become like a broken record and will drive you nuts w/the MLC lingo. Do yourself a favor...find something else to do and just leave her out there to wonder. You can be very polite in canceling, but I don't think that dinner will be in your best interests.

[CaliGuy]

X3 ^^

The D experience is a long one, I was ironically at court today, just the initial session, actually met my MLCrs lawyer (nice lady). Guess what happened ... yup, we will see you back here August 3rd. The D takes time.

I would not move out, my stance ... its her D, if she would like to leave thats all on her but why make it easier on her when its not what you want?

I also agree ... find something else to do and cancel the dinner date, how enjoyable is it going to be sharing a meal with the 500lb D elephant at the table, go do something else and let her eat thinking about wtf just happened while you start collecting yourself and regain your balance.

[Gordie]

Thanks for the feedback--you guys are saving me from my stupid self. So either:

1. Do not move out of the house until the D is finalized. What about staying in the house but moving out of the MBR? I have also declined requests to leave the MBR. Or should I go back to, if you want space then you can move out of the MBR? That's what I said last time and she got pi$$ed, but then got over it.

or:

2. If I did agree to move out, it needs to be documented by both lawyers that this was agreed to and not abandonment and will have no bearing on the financial or custody settlement, right? I think my W would agree to that and it would protect me from the worst case scenario (which I don't expect, but I know I need to be prepared for anything).