I haven't posted on my own thread for a long long time.
That's because I have a high conflict D and very terrible time.
My D is going to trial and I am in deep trouble. Never mind, that's life.
Nine months of marriage to S and the Giggalo wants big lumps of cash. Big big lumps, he has needs.
It has always been my policy here to be completely open.
I am coping poorly, I skeep little and I work 90 to 100 hours a week.
I am exhausted and really distressed.
The Fin paperwork revealed the Giggalo excesses, he lives in Italy with an ex stripper of Russian extraction! You really can't make this stuff up.
Sorry exotic dancer!
So so sad and so wasteful. He took lumps from his pension and spent it on hotels, gambling, meals and other rubbish.
He has a fake L with no qualifications at all and a Walter Mitton attitude.
In a very V way I am studying high conflict divorces. I intend in a few months to have an extension of the abuse threads on high conflict divorce.
Dear DB friends abuse doesn't stop just because you are NC and D. As long as the abuser has any controlling items they will abuse you further.
The costs are crippling me in this D.
However I am just coping, how I am unsure but I am. Really it's a miracle how I keep coping. I spend no money at all other than that which is essential.
How long I can keep going I am unsure, but its been like this for nearly two years. Knife edge all the time, but I get there!
It must turn around all this effort. It must.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, I'm sorry things are still so difficult for you. I would expect in a short marriage that you would each basically leave the M with what you entered with - perhaps splitting any asset growth?
I hope things get resolved for you soon. In recent years (through my D group) I've had contact with a lovely woman who went through a high conflict D. At the time she looked so weighed down with everything - but things did resolve. She got a new place and everything finalised. Last time I saw her, she was transformed. Enjoying her evening, laughter, peace and light....you will get to that stage too.
Your health comes first, so do look after yourself as much as you can during this difficult time.
Xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hugs and love from me and Molly, Lady V! I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this, but I have no doubt that you are dealing with it with the utmost class and grace. Hang in there, dear lady, and know that many, many thoughts and prayers are coming your way.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I have really little grasp of why suddenly I change and make a leap.
Faux L owes me lots of cash, lots and lots of work done for her company that was never paid for.
I am pursuing it with the help of a wonderful debt collector who has supported me. Faux L is saying the Giggalo will be her witness saying I fabricated work done. That's a breach of the companies act as he was a director in my company. So if I don't get the cash from faux L I will pursue the Giggalo.
He has also shared my divorce paperwork with Faux L, a breach of marital confidence which is capable of creating damages.
I suddenly feel more powerful.
This isn't a case of creating or fighting. This is direct action.
My higher power has told me I am to stand for me. I am happy to work hard to achieve my goals.
Now I move onwards and upwards. It's what I do best.
I have been abused and I am being abused. Unless I stand unafraid it will continued, so I will stand.
I am determined to make the changes, to be resilient.
This little fat plain Vanilla is angry withat white anger.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
To hear you talk about yourself with such strength and enthusiasm Lady V does my heart good. To see you feel white anger. YAY! it is a celebration, it has taken time and work and shift upon shift. I am happy that you feel it. Please let it energise you and guide your safely. I know you have the insight and grace to let it do so. I salute you Lady V, it was a long time coming but well earned. All my love JellyB xxx
Hey, it's all about 180s right? If what you were doing before wasn't getting him to back down, try something else.
You are already one of the most industrious and motivated people I have met. Can only imagine what you will be like with a little white anger behind you.
Only thing I disagree with is "little, fat, and plain" those are certainly not true and his lies.
Long time, very long time indeed. We are all trying to get a grip on our lives. And I am really sorry this man is such junk.
But, as we all learn here, it's not about them but about us, what we learn through the process and how we come out of it.
Going back to the DB rules. We can't control what they do or say, but we can control us. And even with some ups and downs I see you are controlling your side.
Your situation is very unfair. Besides having to deal with the logistics of a difficult D, there is all bunch of emotions that comes and goes with it.
I know you need to work a lot and there is probably not much energy to use somewhere else. But, I would like to know if there is any support. Like a friend that is willing to listen, or a group therapy once a month at least.
What are you doing to keep your sanity?
What is happening to you is really traumatic and it would be better if you deal with some side effects while dealing with it all.
You know I ignored my childhood traumas for a very long time and mainly I tried to sweep the sexual abuse like it never happen and it all imploded inside myself when things got difficult.
Just know that you are an amazing person, with an amazing head on top of your shoulders. You are strong, decisive and a fighter. But there is just so much a girl can take. So, please let us know what are you doing to get your head from fighting the D and work. It's very important to take care after yourself.
Besides that, if one of these days you feel like coming to America, you are welcome to stay at my house.
V, it's not easy, but I know we will look back one day and feel proud we did our best for ourselves.
I confess to mild amusement at some of the results that the standing up for myself have caused.
Each day I take action on one point of understanding and move forward a step in my fins for D. I am ready for the next move forwards. I am drafting a pre action protocol for my legal fees against faux L. That us the next step.
What merriment.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Lady V, that is great to hear. No matter what happen in the lives of true respectful people, they will always stand up for what is right. And I see it in your life.
You have been in the fight for very long, and yet there is still a fire burning inside you, to give you energy for stand tall and fight for your believes.
I am very proud of you and wish you the best. Shame on the skunk for being so smelly, but he won't be happy ever treading his ways on taking advantage on other people.
Life will still show you that doing the right thing, treating people with respect and standing for your values are given forward and somehow given back to us by the universe.
You are already a winner in this whole process. You didn't give up on yourself and your rights, this just shows the amazing person you are and I am thankful to have meet you in this board.
I confess to mild amusement at some of the results that the standing up for myself have caused.
Each day I take action on one point of understanding and move forward a step in my fins for D. I am ready for the next move forwards. I am drafting a pre action protocol for my legal fees against faux L. That us the next step.
What merriment.
V
Lady V, you are SUCH a strong and inspiring woman. Continue to stand for you. Molly and I are cheering you on. Much love from us (and tail wags from Molly).
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Dawn, I am always so inspired by you. Hugs to Molly.
V
Molly's a big fan of hugs and kisses! LOL In fact, she was very loving this morning and I was having a hard time getting out of bed because she kept laying across my chest kissing me. Silly dog!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I had my sinuses drained last week and now another mild chest infection.
Today I was so I'll I ate a whole packet of biscuits.
And a tin of Ambrosia Vanilla Custard.
I hate it as I am trying to loose weight. Trying and not succeeding. On Friday I had pizza and wine.
This isn't me.
I have an abuse outreach worker and a meeting with her next Monday. I was to have all my documents ready for Monday for the police to discuss the coercive abuse. Much of the abuse occurred before the introduction of the New UK laws on 15 December 2015 about coercive abuse. The lawyer at the domestic abuse counsel wants me to report this to the police.
The Giggalo has broken marital confidence with faux L.
I am unsteady on my baby step feet. And I need to move like a giant.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Hopefully this won't last long. And forgive yourself for some minor slip ups! We all do it and you'll get back to your norm.
I agree with everyone else on here. You have taken an insanely awful situation and found your power there...by gathering knowledge/research and through helping others. You have and continue to handle a situation that no one would want to be in with grace and power.
I agree with JujuB, you do have this. Physically your body is showing some wear and tear of the pressure it has been under. You are my friend a giant amoungst us here in the DB world and you have been formidable in your handling of Giggalo. You work 80 hour weeks and gym in your down time and you are becoming a lawyer in the minutes that you are not sleeping. And then you a the friend and confidant to many here and in other secret places. A few sweet treats to counteract the pressure and stress is not the end of the world my dear friend. Remember the storms pass, spring follows winter. Today was a day without the sun and today your body needed something more and different. You are loved and appreciated Lady V. Hold your ground Lady V, you have more than you know.
These tides ebb and flow. Some days I am strong and others quite weak.
Today is a medium day, I have a lot of work and I stay busy. I would love to be with some friends in the USA and share camaraderie but I am completely flat broke. I mean totally broke, struggling to pay my L bills.
Still I move onwards and upwards. It is my only hope merely to get through.
I miss dear friends and my aged ma.
Aged pa is very unwell and I fear the time is passing too quickly. These things wear heavy on my heart.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am sorry to read that you haven't been feeling well. I agree, your body is reacting to all of the stress and it needs to refuel/recharge. A few "treats" will not hurt you at this time. You will lose the weight when all of this situation is behind you. For now, listen to your body and get as much rest as you can.
You've been an inspiration to all of us here, on the DB Forum, you help others IRL, and you are trying to deal w/your situation as well as work a job and look after your aged pa. That's a lot of balls to be juggling. I know you have a time limit to get things in to the lawyers and the legal system, but also try to carve out a little bit of time and spend it w/your aged pa or on your own. One of the first things we tell others is to "breathe". Vanilla...take a moment and "breathe".
In time all of this shall pass and you will be able to spread your wings and plant your feet back on stable ground. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bed rest is good, Dr. V! Take care of yourself. Hugs and sunshine from me and Molly.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I'm glad you are now in bed. Rest is a great healer. Vanilla, you've got to take care of yourself or your body is going to eventually make you stop and take notice.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am slowly going under. Legal fees are crippling me and I can no longer pay my bills.
Frankly I don't know how I have stayed afloat so long, sometimes just by the skin of my teeth.
The Gigalo has done a real number on my finances, I work all the hours that are available. Often I am ineffective and inefficient.
I am very low indeed and my sleep is almost non existent.
Somehow I always muddle through although I think not this time. I have laid off three staff to cut cost and am about to do so with a fourth that's 50% gone. I take up the slack myself and now there is a limit.
Maybe I am as incompetent and awful as the Gigalo says?
Anxiety is at an all time high.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Prayers and hugs of comfort to you, Lady V. You most certainly are not incompetent and awful...you are just overwhelmed. It is easy for the one who did the damage to blame someone else as in the case of the Gigalo, but you are a strong woman and you will figure this all out.
Hang in there and know that you are loved. May your connection to your higher power be found again soon. Take care of yourself!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I agree w/Dawn, you are most definitely not incompetent nor awful. You've handled your situation w/dignity and grace and continue to be a strong, independent woman throughout it all. Right now, the big picture looks bleak, but in time, as you carve out that picture, little by little, it won't look as bleak. I have faith in you and you will figure this out.
Your higher power is there...dig deeper for patience and know it is waiting for you to reconnect to it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Try some "emotional first aid" from a Ted Talk. (I think you may have suggested it??)
It's a good one, and You're allowed.
Be well,
J
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
V the divorce really took a toll on me also. The anxiety and depression were aweful. Two years after my d I lost my job and took the job I have now. My boss is a difficult passive aggressive person. So with her constant criticism and bullie attitude I haven't really heal from my depression or truly been able to glue myself. So 3 weeks ago I gave my resignation to do my own business. Guess what the anxiety and depression have kicked up a notch. I boil it all down to fear. The fear is real. Your finances will improve in the future once all is settled.
Take deep breaths and think what's the worse that could happen? The fear will keep depression and anxiety alive.
Hang in there kiddo. It will all get better.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
There are days when it is like treacle, moving in and out of my life. Healing is very slow indeed.
Much of the time I am inefficient rather than ineffective.
I believe it is important to be clear and show the effects of this abuse on recovery.
It isn't peaches roses and sunshine. Even those far on the journey struggle. Well done on the self employment, its a great step to risk being entrepreneurial truly. It can free you too as you are likely in charge of your own destiny. It is difficult to recover from the realisation you were never loved, the cognitive dissonance makes doubt. Am I unloveable?
Is it my weight, my this or that?
It is truly difficult when the spell break occurs to go back. Once you know then you can never unknow.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am thinking deeply about suffering and whether suffering is from Karma. Is karma going to strike the wayward and abuser?
Why don't the waywards suffer yet the LBS certainly does. Is this unfair? Is this some great cosmic joke.
Why do I have complex PTSD when the Giggalo lives in apparent peace in Italy with a Bratislava Italian Tramp trying to take my life's work away.
Why do I work extremely hard and long hours?
Why do many here struggle to fight for their lives and to be great mothers and fathers with responsibility and love. The wayward appears happy and deep in mud.
I question this. I question my higher power and why it seems to have abandoned me. I am in pain and suffering, it feels selfish.
It is the ego the false self which brings on Karma. After all karma is action arising from selfishness. Am I failing to heal because of selfishNess?
Rationalising and dissonance make this really hard. Religion may not hold the key in this.
It is easy to understand why those with no empathy and a wayward mask can be cold empaths. Studied as predators and emotional disabled. To know that Karma may not appear to bite as the universal psychological law set out by Buddha treats those in subtle ways.The conclusion I came to is that the waywardness and the abusive stance are already Karma biting. Imagine living in lies with a false self, living with a mask. Imagine hiding multiple compulsions including the vast empty need for self. Imagine being that selfish. Imagine having to live as a lie.
That is already Karma kicking in.
The damage done to the LBS is healthy and normal, it is part of a recovery cycle providing the grief is expressed. This process is there as part of an awakening. Part of the path to love and higher spirit. I comfort myself that this loose community of empaths and healers leads to the light. To live a life free of Karma.
Maybe my higher power hasn't left altogether?
These are complex questions and I am sad.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
i read your comments from the last few days and it brought a well of emotions...I wanted to say how much I feel your pain.
you talk of incompetence. I can only counter with what I know and that is that you are one of the most organized and sharp people I have ever known....far from incompetent.
yes you allowed yourself to be taken advantage of by a sociopath and you are still reeling from that. you have learned so much from that and will continue. you have helped so many others learn from your pain. you have shown strength beyond measure.
I agree with 25yrmlc in that some good old fashioned self care will go a long way here. I totally understand the loss of connection with higher power....why...why..why. it never stops. I always get back to the $hit happens reply and move on...what else can you do always remember how special you are. I had someone tell me the other day, 'I am not going to let you talk about yourself like that' in regards to a joke i made.he made me smile. I thanked him...made my day.
I am sorry I have not been around. I miss our little talks...I just can't spend the time here I would like to right now.
Thank you Zephyr for your lovely kind and supportive thoughts.
I think I forget how far a journey I have come, how much I have had the privilege to learn and grow. Three years ago I knew nothing of these things. Some abilities are inate partly from my background, I would happily have lived my life without the need to know. Once one knows one can never unknow.
I keep waiting for my higher power to help me decide what I have to do with this knowledge. How to use it, where to go with it, I get glimpses of the easy days of my yesterdays when the world was full of open doors. When there was no dark tunnel in front of me.
These things are not of depression or anxiety and they are of sadness and loss. My life dismantled like a lego building in pieces waiting to be reassembled into something new. Sitting in the ruins of dreams and no certain future. Just sitting waiting for the connection.
I do not miss the Giggalo, I miss the idea of my future with a loving partner in my life. I miss the physical connection, I miss the hanging on to my dreams. Always I miss the hanging on, it is as it was.
I have fear and yet I don't. It isn't the future I fear, I fear the lack of a future. I am spiritually empty and lonely for my higher power.
So much loss and grief with more to follow.
It is a limbo period, the time of limbo when replenishment takes place, a necessary waiting room where innocence hangs still. I am minded of the film the lovely bones where there is a glorious place of limbo. In my mind I see this board as limbo and we gather around the tree of knowledge, learning and waiting to move to the next plane of life.
In this is patience. I am learning patience, no doubt my higher power is testing this.
I keep reading and preparing for the next phase.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V I'm soo sorry I know exactly how it feels my friend. Take a day off if u can to regroup. Take some melatonin to help u sleep. It helped me. The less sleep u get the less u will function. If you can challenge any negative thoughts do it. If you want me to teach u how I'm here. Once u realize that it's about our thinking things will ease a bit. Not be perfect and peachy but able to function. Hang in there kiddo...
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I do not miss the Giggalo, I miss the idea of my future with a loving partner in my life. I miss the physical connection, I miss the hanging on to my dreams. Always I miss the hanging on, it is as it was.
The death of the dream is the hardest part. The dream with that partner. I feel it too, V, but I'm holding on to the hope that the dream will exist with someone worthy. Not that I'm all that and a box of dark chocolates, but someone who will treat me the way I will treat him.
Quote:
It is a limbo period, the time of limbo when replenishment takes place, a necessary waiting room where innocence hangs still. I am minded of the film the lovely bones where there is a glorious place of limbo. In my mind I see this board as limbo and we gather around the tree of knowledge, learning and waiting to move to the next plane of life.
This is a beautiful image! {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
You are on my mind and in my heart today. Not sure why, but I went back and re-read some of your posts and I am still amazed by your strength through all you have been through. In a post a few weeks ago, you missed not missing the Giggalo, but missing the thought of having that loving partner forever and missing the closeness. That is something I struggle with as well. I don't miss XH at all, but I miss being married and having someone to come home to.
I know the paperwork does seem endless, but there is an end in sight and you are getting there. Keep on keepin' on, V. You got this!!!!!!!!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I am waiting for shift, for connection to my higher power For a quantum moment. I do not want to be Ivan Ilyich "what if my life has been all wrong"
I am tired and exhausted by the fightime, I feel like caving and giving myself permanent rest, not just a break. I have not found my groove again.
I look to synchronicity and seek respite. It does not happen. My head hurts, my heart hurts, and my struggles continue. I thought I knew my destiny and had this in mind.
I miss my higher spirit, I miss those intimate moments in my life, just me and my spirit. I pray and am lost. I feel abandoned by my higher spirit. It's gone in my life. No matter how much I listen and ask, it does not come back.
I am weak and vulnerable.
I cry every day and it seems like wasted tears with ego in the way. I guess there is a purpose to it and I should trust. My life purpose seems to be invisible.
This is my dharma to suffer, perhaps it would be better in silence.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You are so eloquent in expressing your feelings and thoughts and I am in awe. I'm sorry that you are so very down-trodden, but appreciate your sharing those innermost thoughts so that I could send loving thoughts and prayers your way.
Hang in there, V. Positive, happy thoughts and tail wags coming your way from Molly and me.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I know you are struggling Lady V and your words about feeling the loss of your higher power reminded me of this poem. I know not everyone views their high power in a religious sense or christian sense. I personally believe in a universal power or truth, but this poem still rings true for me. If it offers you some comfort I am pleased, if not please know you are always in my thoughts. Lots of rainbow tummy love.
"The Footprints Prayer
One night I had a dream...
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, There was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, You would walk with me all the way; But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."
Trust V you are being carried. Hold your faith lovely lady!!
(((V))) Sorry things are so stressful right now. Don't give up, I believe you will make it through this and stronger than ever! You're a kind and strong women, I know you will.
You know where me and everyone else is if you need to talk or vent more. Don't try to deal with difficult things alone, we all need the support of people who care.
Get some sleep!
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thank you Dawn for your care and concern. Jellyb you have such lovely words although the words did make me cry.
Fogg, at the moment I need some space to journal and put my thoughts together, I feel very lost and quite alone. That isn't lonely just alone. Abandoned by my inner self and higher spirit. It is a dark night of the soul, it hasn't escaped me that yesterday was Good Friday. The darkest night of many souls and the higher spirit. I pray for those who are lost.
Sotto as always I agree with you. A wiser person than me said I follow Sotto around the board agreeing. It's a habit of mine too!
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I spent all night deep in thought and did not sleep.
I am angry, very very angry. Mainly at the system and the high conflict in generates in us as targets. It's Easter Sunday, a time of peace, the sun is shining. I have guests coming to Sunday Lamb Roast with all the trimmings. And I am angry at just about everything including myself. It seems strange to be angry now when it's impotence. It serves no purpose at all today. Pointless, although it marks a change. I am not afraid of this anger, I had flashes of it when my mother died. It isn't hateful at all, I can choose to direct it.
The abuser that is the Giggalo has been practicing his art since he was born and I am new born at understanding let alone countering that art. I feel vulnerable, and I know the invading forces have an impossible time conquering the natives. I have surprise on my side, it is not known that this target has defensive strategies.
I am reading a book by Leon Festinger on The Theory of Cognitive Dissonance and suddenly lots of hidden pieces of the jigsaw are falling into place. The book is a seminal book from 1957 updated in 1985 and so powerful. I haven't learned as much since I read the Van der Kolk books on trauma and the body. I feel like I want to hit myself on the head with a hammer. So many of the things I worked out for myself are written (plus more) in this amazing text book.
I recently read the Kathleen Krajeco book on her life a tribute. And that began my descent into turmoil. My goodness why would we want to be left in the position of being a target when there are so many alternatives. Why isn't this stuff well known? This wacky Internet world allows us to get to knowledge and it's sitting there on library shelves within reach all along. Written even before I was a twinkle in my father's eye.
This stuff is dangerous and creates in me confusion. In was in my search to answer a question on the abuse thread on FOO that this arose. Thinking about childhood and damage, rereading man's search for meaning for the nth time (where necessary is a biggish number). Looking at man's inhumanity to man, looking at why abusers abuse weaker more vulnerable targets. The only conclusion that I come to is because they can and they know what they are doing. They have control and because of it I see masks with empty faces. There is an advert on TV here for a show on Atlantic called Mr Robot which has a masked character with his mask burning off and empty eyes.
In October 2014 that is what I saw in the Giggalo, in his eyes when he ceased to care to even hide the nature of his game. When he said to me, V be careful. He spat on one of my jackets that I accidentally dropped.
I failed to see it as a threat, because I long ceased to drink near the Giggalo since February 2014. It's he said she said and not recorded. That and a couple of other things makes me angry. I know what has been said when the mask fell. I know what was behind the empty eyes. And it has caused trauma. And there is little that can be done about the evil in this world and it makes me angry.
So if I have upset anyone with this futility and venting on this holiest of days I apologise.
So Easter eggs to all and Simnel cake.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
you know Easter is resurrection and rebirth...so there's that, and seems to me at this moment that it's very relevant for both of us.
Just as I realize that things I "should" have seen
(I'm trying to avoid subjunctives should/could/would have, for now. But oh well, I'm human and thus inconsistent) so -things I should have seen but did not.
Why did I do that?
I think I saw things that validated my choice to stay, and not that indicated I had made a huge mistake.
But it's too far to say "What if we lived our lives all wrong?" Not when we know we loved. Ilyich was is NOT YOU. He's your archetype fear, and he's one of mine.
The other would be the client I had (I was doing his will) and he shook his fist at God on his deathbed, taking his anger into eternity. He'd had a mistress for decades and mistreated his family and was simply a curmudgeon.
Fears of you turning out to be Ilyitch is a tad too far. (But I love the reference!)
Maybe read Kerry Egan's book "On Living".
It's a bookclub choice for my club. The first 20 pages were about patients in hospitals telling the author (a chaplain) about the relationships in their lives that mattered, that they ruined or lost or cherished...
I could barely get thru that^^ b/c of my 3 children and the last 10 years, and b/c suddenly so many good memories are becoming darkly colored by so much doubt...
BUT the book went deeper into shame and guilt and the difference, and more questions.
At one point the author asks
"What if the greatest thing I think I ever did, was the worst?" (Giving up a baby at birth, for instance) "What if the person I loved most, did not love me back?"
and so on.
It's helping me, although it's not a smooth ride. Vanilla, a lot of it will resonate with you I think. Unless you are secretly a contract killer, I cannot imagine your life being "all wrong". You're too self aware. You come here and post to others. That's a good thing my friend.
Vanilla, your sentence to me about being "on a ledge in high winds holding the kite of love"
made me cry. I can scarcely write it out here, and I cannot read it out loud without tears.
It was and is, apt. Remember the message of the Resurrection. Your re-birth. OURS, in fact. Pretty darn important.
((( V )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
In many ways 25 I agree with you about this journey in life.
I am reflecting deeply on these troubled times. To let the abuser into my head is relinquishing control over my personal domain. I am minded of the play A man for all seasons which has Sir Thomas More defining his personal boundary when asked to relinquish his deeply held belief. He knew his belief and held it, gave up his life for his belief, he chose to stand for his belief and gave up his life for it, I am confused about my choices.
The Giggalo breached so many of my personal boundaries, even when I enforced them. In ignorance the assumption I made, (and have kept making) is that I had no boundaries and that those I had were not enforced well enough. That is a false assumption, a cognitive dissonance if you will that was rationalised. My boundaries are fine for an ordinary life and simply weak for an extraordinary time. I still had boundaries, largely untested until the Giggalo.
Abusers choose to abuse and to press on boundaries. Abusers abuse because it gives control and they like it as it gives them power to get more resources. Even after two years and NC the Giggalo forces himself into my life by taking legal action against me. When I looked into the empty eyes of the Giggalo after his mask slipped I swear I saw evil. It was a terrifying thought and I dismissed it. It was the black hole of his addictions devoid of feeling, devoid of love. After that the Giggalo did not mask himself (masking takes much energy and he knew that I was no longer charmed) and yet I still chose to endure abuse. To face this truth is hard, it appears to condemn what is a loving husband and father. My higher power used to tell me that is not my job, I have no right to label and judge. I know what I saw that day. To validate my choices, the rationalisation says "you only know what you thought you saw". It allowed me my perspex spew shield and to defend (no matter how inadequately) weak boundaries. I still know what I saw, and it made me afraid. Afraid for my physical health, that is why the body keeps the score was so important, an invasion of mental boundaries is internal to the body. And indeed the body does keep the score.
25, I chose denial too, (I use the word choice often instead of should) and I have told myself I chose that denial, I no longer choose it. I will not be abused. That is one of the gifts of NC. I choose (current tense) to know that I was abused, I choose to know the extent of it. And I don't like it, it victimises myself for myself by the self. And yet to accept responsibility for some of it is very freeing. The abuser abuses and chooses this way of invading boundaries. The abused does not choose to be abused. The target endures it until they choose to break free of it. This choice does not stop the abuse, not for one moment. Choosing to not be abused doesnt stop the abuser abusing to feed a need. This is my way to be. I can like Thomas More know the boundary and like him I can decide that I will bend to the King's will and law as far as my conscience will allow. Henry VIII died a dreadful death of syphilis and his ulcers made his body have the stench of living rotting flesh. His private parts rotted away and he died with his bladder an open sore. Thomas More was executed his head was on traitors gate for a month before his loving daughter asked for a Christian burial and reunited his head and body. Thomas More paid a high price for keeping his boundary. He kept his sanity and he was loved.
I baulk at labelling another's actions as evil, it seems wrong somehow to do this. I am reading Scott Peck and People of the Lie, he does not blanch at saying lies are evil and indeed he says it clearly. Addiction is an evil and can be a factor which drives abuse.
I was taught from being a small child it is my Christian duty to forgive, popular psychology tells us that forgiveness is devine, that we forgive to save ourselves. Perhaps we do. Perhaps sometimes we forgive to save ourselves, perhaps Thomas More forgave the king, perhaps his daughter forgave the executioner. I still know what I saw in the sharks eye, I still saw a predator and his prey. In that moment I saw intent to harm. I believe that moment started the cPTSD, triggered the trauma and it continues.
It is not my job to forgive, at Easter (this new Easter) I realise that burden is removed from me, another more special man was crucified to save me from that task. Another atoned for me and on my behalf, released me from that obligation. It is my job to heal me, selfish as that lofty goal is. It is self centred rather than selfish. I know I released myself from that need to forgive after struggling with why I could not forgive and I deliberately researched forgiveness; some of my answer came from Forgiving or not Forgiving, the rest my Christian conscience struggled with the arrogance of forgiveness. Until my higher power said to me, be still, let me deal with the Punishing or not Punishing of the Giggalo and his Karma. I handed over responsibility to the higher power, I let it go, I let the need to punish or forgive be that of the higher power. The Giggalo already has his Karma, I saw his empty eyes and for a moment his struggling soul, one day he may win or lose his battle with addiction. That is his journey alone, I have my journey too.
I believe in evil and for a brief time it revealed itself to me. That evil is not the Giggalo himself, it is his weakness and compulsion, his gambling that takes over his life. He is consumed by his gambling addiction and that addiction is the evil. It is that addiction that I can not forgive, I know that man is consumed by addiction. The man himself is irrelevant when addiction is in play. Sir Thomas More said this much of the king and his sex addiction, the king wanted a son to be his heir, and yet his diseased loins gave issue to two powerful daughters. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. The King died rotting, his body from the outside and I hope his soul was purified by the holy spirit and the Easter offering of suffering. Truly some of the King's actions made him one of the People of the Lie.
25, the image of you with the kite came to me through my higher power. For that is how I saw you. In a red coat, with big red buttons and flowing hair. The kite is blue and white with ribbon Ed tail. It is a strong image and the kite is flying high. Yesterday I went to a powerful art exhibition of the works of Constable. His beautiful pictures of the Sussex Downs and Brighton had me mesmerised. My very favourite painting was of an Elm tree, the bark on it with Moss so real that the tree was in my mind for hours. Extraordinary. The same museum had beautiful furniture from the Art Deco period. As I went around the exhibition with a like minded friend, I realised I missed this art, this way of relating to the world. It was one of my losses in my life with the Giggalo, he saw this exploration as a waste of time, then I am minded that I saw his endless golf as allowable. And yet my rambling mind of jumbled passions was not allowable. Part of the abuse was seeing my interests as unnecessary and his as essential, the other part was forcing that view on me. Ranting until I gave up my interests. And for the sake of peace and harmony, I gave them up to please. I did this to myself in the hopes of repairing my R. DB for me was putting those things back in my life.
I am angry, yes I am very angry.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I think anger is a very understandable thing to feel. You, as usual, so eloquently described where that anger is directed and where it comes from, so I think that it seems perfectly logical to feel it.
Hang in there, dear lady. Better days are ahead for sure.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
It occurred to me the Giggalo could be driven by hate fear and anger. Not a great way to live, now I have experiencedited it.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
That's great to say. The other parts of my life occupy me more these days. My R with my higher spirit is more important to me today than anything else.
I ask my higher spirit to forgive my anger at its loss. If my words have troubled any one then I ask them to forgive too.
There will be lighter brighter thoughts to come (I Trust that). This is my journey.
Today I am still angry.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm reading along and pondering. And getting my car so I can finally drive again. (The 6 months post seizure, is UP!) Needless to say, as soon as it arrives, you may not see me here BUT you may see me on the road careening around a corner. Strange milestone.
Just stopped by to say I'll read this post of yours ^^^ again. I read the People of the Lie" years ago. Might get it out again.
My r with h is complicated by knowing he is the father of my children & I will have to see him for the rest of our lives, at least now and then.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
or you are referring to mental detachment, with or without physical?
At least h is far away on the paradise of tundra, and not physically near me. I hate that all of the nuclear family we formed, are split up in 4 states. But I'm grateful I don't have to deal with him in person.
It would really $uck to be in a small town and with little ones holding you there. I recall some military families splitting up in Alaska, with husbands tending to prefer it there, and wives, not so much.
The courts would award joint custody, usually, so the parents were trapped there unless they both agreed. Yikes.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
This is what it means to me 1. Intel, good solid Intel and facts, no hiding from the truth 2. No snooping, FB, texts, email, mail calls, block, defriend 3. All contact with a third party L 4. No discussion with ex other than with impartial 5. No listening to gossip 6. No creating gossip 7. Wish the ex well publicly and no chat,change the subject 8. Cleanse living space, move if you can, decorate 9. Rings, pictures, letters, cards all go, cleanse 10. Remove triggers of all sorts 11. None of their stuff in your space, none, Nada, nothing
Now for feelings 1. List your freedoms 2. Allow yourself minimal time each day when you think of them, cut that time ruthlessly 3. No rewriting of history, no wishful thinking 4. Use a name, depersonalise eg The Giggalo, the Duck, Jerk face, Skype dad, Disney girl, scumbucket, dips tick, crud loin 5. Convert them to cartoons, two dimensional, find an image which puts you off, I use the Disney baby image
Next 1. Write down the 10 worst nasty stuff (in your case the spell break FB post would be included) 2. Crash the 10 into a screen play in your mind 3. Faster and faster until in merges into one then throw it out from your body 4. Choose a song and image you really dislike and use it (I used Nuki Song as my ring tone from gummy bear) 5. Do a cleanse, burn your list, flush it whatever works 6. Take an image in your mind distort it, add squeaky voice, imagine them with piles etc etc 7. If you have an image of him with OW, image she has herpes or warts or spots or is an alcoholic or or or, give her a name too, the fishwife, RIT, scuzzy, tampon 8. Any times that the wayward seemed nice or loving then put a box around the image turn it black and white
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There are NLP techniques try googling I can mend your broken heart
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You look after you. Extreme self care.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
or it'd be like telling a battered wife that putting her arms up to keep her face protected is "making it worse."
You got healthier, and that escalated things till you saved yourself.
That's how I see it anyhow
Yes I understand your view. I can't see myself healthier at this stage, more knowledgeable perhaps. The Giggalo ramped up the abuse. I will move any discussion to my thread. Apologies wsh for the hijack.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
The worst aspect of abuse is the gaslighting and The self doubt that comes with it. The covertness of it and inability to recognise it as abuse.
Giggalo may have amped it up. But you are pretty open eyed about it and I think that puts you guys on equal footing.
Actually your not on equal footing because you're right, and you've been taking great measures to protect yourself.
Could you perhaps stop thinking of him as an abuser. That gives him power that he no longer has because your eyes are opened now. Do you thinking would help to view him as a lowly but annoying competitor or opponent that you have to defeat?
Could you perhaps stop thinking of him as an abuser. That gives him power that he no longer has because your eyes are opened now. Do you thinking would help to view him as a lowly but annoying competitor or opponent that you have to defeat?
I've been thinking of the right thing to say you, V. I think Juju has said when I have been trying to express.
He is no longer your abuser. You are not his to abuse anymore. You are your own woman separate of him, not bound to him in any sort of way. He is being a real D*ck head and playing games to get what he wants, but he isn't your abuser.
That is no longer your dynamic, because you are separate of each other.
Think of it as you got to do what you've got to to get what is rightfully yours. He could go on and on and on and spew and twist things, but who cares?
Just do what you need to for the financials. But your life is YOUR life now. Not his to take control over.
Thank you for the comfort and kindness, I know posting on abuse sitches is very difficult. So thank you.
There is no way to sugar coat this. The Giggalo is still abusing me. It's called triangulation and the other party is the law.
He is using the court system to abuse. It's legal abuse.
There is no way to deny it and that it is happening. To deny that it is abuse gives him power over me. I have accepted he is abusing, that doesn't mean I am weak. I have strategies and am Surviving. It is important to bear in mind this is an abusive manipulative man and not let my guard down. Whilst I am putting my case to the law it is important I maintain that stance. And truly just because he abuses doesn't mean he has control. That only happens if I deny his abuse. What he does is abuse.
One doesn't forgive a crime in progress nor minimise it.
To me if he cut my arm off, I wouldn't say ahhhhh, that isn't violence. It's violence whatever my thoughts on it.
Eventually I will thrive.
And yes whilst he has a claim against my assets we are bound together. My D isn't finished.
I am trying to keep what is rightfully mine and the Giggalo is trying to take it away. Well he has me defending my stance.
So my view is quite different and yes being angry is very helpful at this stage. I actually care about his actions and not his words. The fact that I have been NC for 2 years whereas he has been aggressive, domineering and legally active is very helpful to me. My L says I have made no mistakes whilst in NC.
I simply want him to go away. At this stage it is important that I put up my boundaries and defend my fort.
Thank you for your care
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
And I do agree that he is abusing and manipulating the system. It's disgusting.
I was trying to suggest more of an imagery technique. Kind of like when you imagine him as a silly cartoon. To imagine him as an opposing business owner.... a huge concern and annoyance. A reason to up your game and fight. But never someone to affect you on a personal and emotional level and never someone that effects your soul.
For me, (and just my thoughts and bare with me because I too am having a hard time expressing. ) abuse was only possible because of the "love" and relationship that went along with it. If a random guy that I barely knew treated me the way an abusive relationship partner did, it might scare me. It might disturb me. It would cause me to seek outside help. But it wouldn't have the same affect on me that soneone abusive in a relationship did. It wouldn't effect my core because I wouldn't view it as personal. It's also recognizable which makes the world of difference. Its also something that we allowed on some level. And that's why it affects our soul so much.
The worst and deadliest part of abuse is when the abused no longer recognizes or trusts the self. It's when the abused becomes their own worst enemy.
You now trust your self. And you are your own advocate. So the abusers most dangerous weapon has been taken away.
Because that weapon has been taken away, Piggalo is demoted from abuser to powerless fool fighting an unwinable battle. He will eventually be ousted.
Last edited by job; 04/22/1707:07 AM. Reason: Removed name reference.
I believe I was targeted for money, so the abuser abused deliberately and raged when I set my boundaries. And as the target, nothing the abuser did was our responsibility. Nothing. And abuse is like warm water which boils slowly. It stinks.
And the doubt is because of gaslighting reality. Questioning myself. Once you know you are a target, once you have a spell break, then you are almost gaslight bullet proof.
They also create a double bind. For instance, "I don't like spaghetti, you know that so why serve it to me?" Two weeks later "you don't serve spaghetti, that's because you know I love it".
Or "you are wearing jeans again,you look a mess" and later" why are you dressed formally, you would be more comfortable in jeans"
Or "you buy the wrong juice, get it into your thick head I only drink A P P L E juice" then goes out and gets orange juice.
Nuts. And now I see it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
For 10 years, WH's ex-W used the court system to control and frustrate us. The collateral damage was their children, who were repeatedly put in the middle and damaged by her war. It didn't matter if we gave into her demands, she would repeatedly create chaos via the custody agreement (exploiting every issue that was not spelled out beyond interpretation) and draining our finances while enriching a string of lawyers.
I remember telling my WH that I felt like she had a giant arm that was sticking in the window, wielding her power in our personal space. Our home was not our castle.
The only comfort I had, was that I could take a break from her. I could think of other things and enjoy my life, while she was stuck with herself, inside her own brain, 24/7. I do believe that was a nightmare.
I feel for you. Abusive and controlling people will increase their efforts when you stand up to them. Hang in there and stay safe, you will eventually persevere.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Just stopping by to say I'm sorry your x is being an a$$hat. Ouch! You are right. You will thrive.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I struggle and am triggered daily sometimes more each day.
My guts are in knots and I think I may be very anxious. My hair is falling out and my mouth is dry.
2 May 2017 marked the two year anniversary of the grandeur finale, and that made me quite ill. Although not as bad as last year.
The court cases go on and on, I have a date 10 and 11 July 2017 and it's going to cost a lot of money. Especially if it goes into a third day at trial The brief is 3,000 a day on his own. So 3 days in court will be 9,000 plus my L. Trial is expensive and in the UK there are no costs awarded for going to trial. I just can't afford it so I may have to go it alone. It [censored].
Really struggling, exhausted and working 100 hrs a week.
Not doing so well.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Its so awful. Getting a life and self care is crucial but I understand how difficult that can be when you have this type of weight sitting on your shoulders. Its an awful stress. And I am sorry you have to go through this.
Its harassment through the courts that just should not be legal. Eventually you will get through the sludge though. I look forward to that day for you V.
It must be nice to not have worries like these...
No real advice, except to just get through day by day seeking pleasure in the things that are going well for you. Like friends, family, surroundings, exercise.
Happy Belated Birthday. I do hope that you did something special for yourself. I hope and pray that next year, you will be out from under all of the stressors in your life and can actually enjoy the coming year.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Happy birthday, Lady V! I'm praying for you to have a good day and an even better year. I think that this is going to be a great year for you when you are able to finally put things behind you and move on with the life YOU want to live. Best wishes, my friend. Happy birthday love from me and Molly.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi Lady V, what we cannot cure we must endure, a saying from my gran. Your sitch is very tough , but so are you, this cr@p will end and you can heal fully and resume normality. Some parasites can take along time to remove BUT you will remove him from your life. Stay strong and know that positive thoughts are flooding your way.
I am staying quiet out of necessity not desire. The Giggalo found my posts and it is my philosophy to be honest so I have left them.
My sitch has gone very litigious and when I am free to post about it then I will do so. My precious loving friends here are so important to me.
I had not seen the G until I saw him in court after 2 years 3 months in the D fins. D itself is a separate process from D fins here in the UK, I am D but no settlement has been made. The G is a compulsive gambler and cash hungry. I felt nothing on seeing the G at all in the D fin hearing, no love, no hate, no anger, no disgust it was like I had novocaine of the emotions, I felt nothing but detachment, very useful during a very long court hearing. Sadly we ran out of time and the D fins ended at the end of the allotted time known as part heard.
Basically the Giggalo has taken several legal actions against me for money including this one, for the 'needs' he has including house, income and he lives in Italy with the BIT in her house (1 of 4) yet he has a need for housing.
The latest phase is D fins and as the case went part heard in the UK courts then there is more to come. G is saying if this goes against him he will appeal. So I may have much more to come. His BIT (Bratislava Italian Tramp) has deep pockets, except of course it is in my interest their R succeeds better that than he is with a single mom on benefits with a drug and gambling habit then he really would have needs.
I may get a judge's decision based on written submissions, the judge offered that as a choice, although the judge could decide to bring us back to court. I have joined a domestic violence group and I discovered the G has stolen money from my bank accounts so my counsellor wants me to think about police action, I have parked that for the moment. When I can then I will post helpful D stuff on the abuse channel. There is much more to say.
Please bear with me as I protect my strategy and sitch. At least the G is in Italy with the BIT most of the time, so physically I feel safe. Clever nephew has stayed lots and I stay on the move. I have been threatened.
Whilst I was calm in court, afterwards the tsunami of feelings hit me like a wave and I have struggled to get on my feet. I have support from an amazing group off the board and of course in real life. It has been lovely to experience that. I lost quite a bit of weight before hand and this depression following has resulted in some over eating. I cry and I don't really know why, just from overwhelm.
That is an update, its a little me, me, me.....
In essence my posts won't sugar coat the effects abuse have on me nor how badly a high conflict D can affect, mine was a short M and I have no children with the G. This enhances my empathy for others going through this.
One piece of great news, I have been accepted to return to college to study law. I start in September and with my exemptions it will be two years part time. I will specialise in divorce support after I retire. Quite unsure how and my higher power is telling me this is the right thing to do.
On a lighter note, I joined Tinder and have had no matches at all...
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
RD I love your parasite analogy, my special thanks to a very loving friend from the Emerald Isle. Your gran is very wise indeed in the way they always are.
Treasur as soon as possible I will check in with you.
Sandi much love to you, I always include you and your previous D in my votive ceremony. Thank you for your care, if you are reading, peace and love to you.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
((((Vanilla)))) You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. All I know for sure is that you are a tough lady and you will come out of this smelling like the proverbial rose. Hang in there, lady and keep on keeping on.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Wow - I don't know what your courts are like there, but here in the U.S. he would be laughed out of court for thinking he is entitled to anything after only a year and a half marriage.
KML the period a couple lives together counts as part of the M. So in total it's 3 years, ending 3 years ago. Fin action can be brought at any time unless the applicant has remarried (anytime even after death for funeral expenses).
The payment is assessed on a 'needs' basis! So the G having spent all his money and his pension now has a 'need'.
Those who walked the M with me will know how the G avoided service of the D petition, hoping to get over the 5 year line. However it is S that signals the end of an M in the UK not filing date. The G misunderstood it.
The 5 year line is more or less a short M and decided cases start from a 50:50 basis (broadly speaking) although up to 10 ish years there is lots more judges discretion.
This is generally more protective of the STHP making a homemakers contribution equally valid. My objection is that a wastrel and a pragmatist are left with only one set of assets that then have to be divided. The G has wasted in 6 years more money than I have assets and now he is chasing for 50% of my assets (the only things left) except that he has hidden pensions he didn't disclose.
Some of this is hilarious, no one would believe it! Lies, lies, lies and oh yes even more lies. Fabricated rental receipts, hidden cash and unexplained payments. I wonder if he will get away with it as his entitled arse expects, or if in judgement it gets a swift kick. Really I haven't a clue.
Poor old BIT thinks he is going to be a rich man when his exW pays up. Poop, fans and hit in any order when the truth emerges. Or maybe he can gaslight the facts away?
Who knows I sit and wait.
So 3 years in total for M including the living together part.
Yes, anywhere else no kids would be laughed out of court, not here in the UK.
Sad but true
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Your safety is priority. Just let us know, when you feel secure. Take our love and concern with you in your daily tasks. Life is so unfair, but you can.....and will survive. (((Vanilla)))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself and stay as safe as possible.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Last edited by job; 11/27/1710:30 AM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
