Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #9]

[lt0402]

Agree. I was really surprised that my mom/dad would be so level headed when they found out too. It's amazing how supportive family can be.

FG, I will say that you're somewhat in your own head right now. Tough to predict the future, better to stay away from the topic of your W dating. Nothing but bad thoughts down that path. Not being critical, you probably just don't get any benefit from letting your mind wander there.

I personally think our Ds will look to us for an example of the men they want to date. Seeing how good of a man you are, I've no doubt your D has an excellent example to follow. Don't let the negatives eat at you, stay strong, and keep being that rock for your kids. Hang in there brother.

[ForGump]

LT, good points about not focusing on STBXW dating and that hopefully her standards for men will have improved during her marriage with me. Thank you.

About my Mom (Dad has passed)... if I know her at all, I know she's totally heart broken for me and my kids, and deeply disappointed and angry at my STBXW. But she's exercising great restraint in not expressing that to me. So far, anyway. Might come out one day.

In any case, I was concerned she might add to my stress but she hasn't.

[lt0402]

Hang in there FG. I know how awful it must feel being at this point. Your mom seems like she's going to be a good point of support for you which is great. I'd also been fearful that having family know would add to my stress. It was a pleasant surprise to find out that they handle it pretty well.

Just keep being you brother. You have always been one of the stronger folks around here. If I can see that then your kids definitely can. I've no doubt that, with the example you are setting for them, they will be ok in the future. They're lucky to have you as their dad. Stay strong FG!

[ForGump]

Our younger one is sad every morning, every day about our impending breakup. He's counting the days til my move out date. STBXW was weeping this morning, after hearing him ask how many days are left. Heart breaking, all of it. I just held him and told him he and I will always be together and that he'll stay with me half of the time and that I will see him a lot at extracurricular activities.

In retrospect, I think telling the kids about 1 to 1.5 wks in advance might have been better than 2.5 wks. Hard to balance the effect of anxiety of anticipation vs. the surprise (shock?) of physically breaking up the family.

[Dawgs]

I'm so sorry, Gump.

There is no easy time to tell them. Wait too long, and it will be more of a shock on them. Some even have become resentful at that.

They say that kids are resilient...yes they are, but they will always carry these scars with them. And they will be afraid that somehow its their fault. Be strong and there for them.

[ForGump]

Thanks man ...

Some people say if you hadn't met your wife you wouldn't have created your kids, so in the end it's better that you did.

I don't quite buy that logic.

At this point, I would rather have had an empty life than to cause all this on my kids. Nothingness would have been better than all this pain.

[Dawgs]

Gump,

I know the feeling. I have thought about that time and time again. I hate what its doing to them. Hate it. I can't imagine life without them as they are everything that I am.

I can now say that if it weren't for the kids, I'd never have even gotten married. At least not to her, anyway.

What we - yep, we - have to do is shield them as best possible. Mine is trying parental alienation tricks on them. When they ask questions, I try not to talk badly about her, but at the same time I tell the truth. When they get older, I'll fill them in if they ask...not looking forward to that. I'm sure they will found out about her affair and all that.

This is sucktastic, man...

[Bdog37]

When they ask questions, I try not to talk badly about her, but at the same time I tell the truth. When they get older, I'll fill them in if they ask...not looking forward to that. I'm sure they will found out about her affair and all that.

Couldn't agree more. My oldest is 8 and wise beyond her years. I had the girls on V-Day and she asked me where did all of our dinner plates go... To which I responded that mommy came and took some. She got super upset and told me that next time she sees mommy she is going to be angry at her for taking our stuff. Part of me wanted to break down cause I know this is hard for her. However, I told her that it was wrong for her to be mad at mommy and that is not what I expect from her. I told her to continue to help mommy out as she does for me. She asks me how is it that I am not angry at mommy. I had to explain to her that I wasn't angry at mommy, but I was hurt and asked her if she knew the difference. I know when the time comes they will be old enough to ask the question on what happened. I also do not plan to lie to my children, but how do you go about nicely explaining that their mommy ruined our M by having an PA? It a tough one for sure.

[Dawgs]

I know when the time comes they will be old enough to ask the question on what happened. I also do not plan to lie to my children, but how do you go about nicely explaining that their mommy ruined our M by having an PA? It a tough one for sure.

I'm dreading that conversation, as mine will be a bit more involved. I'm sure she is already filling their heads with crap.

Maybe not mention the PA but tell them it was her decision - ALL her decision? That's a very fine line. Just do what you think is right. They may/may not find out about the PA...I'm not so sure that should be shared with them, but if they ask I most certainly won't lie.

[Chris73]

My heart really goes out to you guys. I feel a lot of these same emotions and my sitch has not progressed nearly as far as either of yours, so I can't even imagine how hard the knife is twisting. I think that eventually we could all get to a point where the pain of losing our wives goes away (or at least becomes manageable) but the love for our kids never waivers. It only intensifies. Just yesterday my son asked me why I "always sleep downstairs now?"