How can I see her for what she is for once? I would love to hear any ideas because I think this is a major part of the reason I can't let go.
There are no magic pills or techniques or words that would do it. Time is both your friend and your worst enemy.
**TRIGGER WARNING**
A friend once told me that what he did in your situation was to think about her doing unspeakable things to the guy. Works every time, or so I've been told.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I am realising now that I need closure before I can move on and detach. I had a row over the phone with her and I called her on all her cheating. She just tried to change subject and say it was in the past. Her new relationship has taken her over and doesn't want me contacting her now. Should I sit her down face to face? I really need this to end now
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
I am realising now that I need closure before I can move on and detach. I had a row over the phone with her and I called her on all her cheating. She just tried to change subject and say it was in the past. Her new relationship has taken her over and doesn't want me contacting her now. Should I sit her down face to face? I really need this to end now
Closure is one of the most difficult things. I've come to realize that I probably won't ever get true closure in my case. That's why I'm having so much trouble.
Of course they will change the subject and deny. If you are going to call her out on this, you better be prepared to act on it - otherwise, don't do it as it would make you look even weaker...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I would leave her be Excile. You guys have been separated for a while and are now divorced and she has decided to date. Maybe she began dating before your D was finalised. But is that cheating as such? You haven't been in a relationship for some time.
If she is all into some new guy, I don't believe contact with her is going to help your cause or give you the closure you seek. You may want to explore other support avenues for yourself - I've already mentioned DRW, or perhaps an IC? Sometimes we need to find our own peace with things.
Truly, I think your current pain is less about what she is doing and more about how you are coping with and processing the end of your marriage.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am finding it hard to process not only the end of the marriage but the fact that our new friendship that she wanted after the separation is now coming to an end. Nobody knows if her new relationship will work out but she is trying to give it her all and do things differently from when we got together.
so at this point, reconciliation is out of the question. The future is going to be different from what I had hoped. I read in the Michelle's Divorce busting book that only I will know when I have truly tried everything. I think I have now. My ex W says that our marriage did not work and she doesn't regret ending it when she did. I am so frustrated that I didn't get it right and feel I could have done more at the time but it's done now.
I will not stand in her way and leave her be. I have cut down communication with her to just answering child related questions, that I may get every few days. I feel I need to walk away but it's so difficult to admit defeat and start life again.
I was going to have a chat with her in a few days but it would probably be pointless now as sotto says. My concern is how I am going to be part of the girls lives when every decision and event that happens, she is discussing with her boyfriend and not me.
I keep busy at work, there is a girl I chat to that helps with the loneliness but nothing more. I am going to the gym, I am trying to reach out to old friends but I am also contemplating weather I should move to a different town as there are too many memories where I am. So much to think about and deal with, it's intoxicating.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
You are their parent Excile, not him. He has no rights in respect of your daughters. He may come and go who knows - but you won't.
Do you and your W have specific agreed, written down arrangements WRT time with your children? If not, I think it is imperative to work towards this.
Yes, do make plans for yourself and work on accepting the end of the M - and the friendship you had hoped might lead to more. You can co-operatively coparent of course.
Yes, do reach out to old friends and make plans - but watch out with talking to women due to loneliness. Use the time to heal and work on your own issues would be my advice.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The arrangements made through the court only dealt with maintenance payments, division of assets and that the children would reside with the mother. actual times for me to spend with the kids was left to decide between ourselves. I stipulated on the document that no co-habitation would take place in the property if she were to meet someone else. The guy will have no right to spend more than a certain amount of time there.
as I said, the co-parenting was working well until she became distracted by a new love interest. I am hoping that once the initial courting is over, she may become more reasonable.
I'll give you an example. She has taken the kids to Disneyland with her sister. If she ever goes on a long trip, she sends photos and updates me on what the kids are up to. She has in the past, tried to keep me involved. This time, I have had one message that said " The girls are fine". That is all. I know she doesn't have to communicate with me but you can understand my frustration that she would rather discuss everything with someone she has only just met!
There are no words to describe how I am feeling. I thought it was bad enough that we separated but this new dynamic is absurd.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
The arrangements made through the court only dealt with maintenance payments, division of assets and that the children would reside with the mother. actual times for me to spend with the kids was left to decide between ourselves. I stipulated on the document that no co-habitation would take place in the property if she were to meet someone else. The guy will have no right to spend more than a certain amount of time there.
as I said, the co-parenting was working well until she became distracted by a new love interest. I am hoping that once the initial courting is over, she may become more reasonable.
I'll give you an example. She has taken the kids to Disneyland with her sister. If she ever goes on a long trip, she sends photos and updates me on what the kids are up to. She has in the past, tried to keep me involved. This time, I have had one message that said " The girls are fine". That is all. I know she doesn't have to communicate with me but you can understand my frustration that she would rather discuss everything with someone she has only just met!
There are no words to describe how I am feeling. I thought it was bad enough that we separated but this new dynamic is absurd.
Hi excil,I'm sorry you and most of us are being put thru this torment its pain full,they have us on the floor,but we have to get back up ,stand up,how they are now is they don't care about us we are at the bottom of the list if on the list at all ,they only care about them self's and having fun,having the forbidden fruit and so on,its all about them not you,if you get in other way they will bulldozer you out of the way,we are the evil slave masters and they want the chains off,so they can do what they like when they like with who they like,you can't stop them you can't change them all you can do is detach to protect your self,there on a mission and thers no stopping them,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
I agree Maly but it's not right. When you spend over a decade with someone, go through ups and downs, have children together, surely it's only human to treat the other person with some respect instead of rubbing their nose in it and shutting them out at the first opportunity. I would never do that to her, she is the mother of my kids and I always held her with high regard.
I think that the only revenge I can have is to leave her be and get her out of my heart and mind. Not sure how to actually do that though as everything is so raw. I don't really want to leave the town where we all live but we moved there together and have all our memories there. I also can't stand the thought of seeing her with him and our kids walking down the street.
I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?
I agree Maly but it's not right. When you spend over a decade with someone, go through ups and downs, have children together, surely it's only human to treat the other person with some respect instead of rubbing their nose in it and shutting them out at the first opportunity. I would never do that to her, she is the mother of my kids and I always held her with high regard.
I think that the only revenge I can have is to leave her be and get her out of my heart and mind. Not sure how to actually do that though as everything is so raw. I don't really want to leave the town where we all live but we moved there together and have all our memories there. I also can't stand the thought of seeing her with him and our kids walking down the street.
Hi my friend,yes all true,nothing we can do,just got to let it run its course,protect your self and take cover,look after your self try and keep your head above water don't let them take you down withem,I still can't get my head round it,its kinda not there fault its all connected to there child hood,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
