I was just feeling sad, about how I used to take Valentines Day for granted. I ruined everything romantic, because I was always so practical and cynical. I would make fun of it for being a hallmark holiday.
Now, I think about how nice it would be to have someone to share a romantic day with. I think about how nice it would have been, had I went out more and made it special all those years with ex.
I was just feeling sad, about how I used to take Valentines Day for granted. I ruined everything romantic, because I was always so practical and cynical. I would make fun of it for being a hallmark holiday.
JujuB,
I used to feel the same way; I've always felt manipulated because those special days are often used for commercial benefit.
I still tell my sons that they don't have to celebrate Father's Day, if they don't want to, because they're so good that they make every day Father's Day. And it's true, for me, every day is Father's Day.
The one regret I have, not that it would've necessarily made any difference, is that every day should've been Valentine's Day for my wife. She didn't always make it easy to do that, but...
One interesting factoid: the woman who "invented" Mother's Day actually began rallying against Mother's Day because it had been so completely commercialized.
So, don't feel badly for not recognizing holidays that have been butchered for the sake of making more money. Many of them have lost their meaning. I really enjoy Fourth of July because it's a holiday without expectations.
Thank you Zues and Rouky. I am having trouble coping with having to deal with failed expectations. I felt that because i worked hard, and played by the rules, and made choices based on logic and thought, that life would play out more favorably.
All we need to know in life is what we learned in Kindergarten..."You get what you get and you don't get upset" Truly not an easy lesson. I am as frustrated now as my son was when he didnt get the color paper he wanted!
Rouky, you have described me perfectly. "programmed by negativity and my brain cant deal with positivity" I find something to fear or ruminate on no matter what!
My nice thing to say to me would be "You are a great mom. Your son is lucky and will never know how lucky he is. You have been nothing but patient with him, when others would not have been. You continue to push for him in every way. You are and will continue to be a really great advocate for him. You always put him first and his best interests are what drives you."
My nice thing to say to me would be "You are a great mom. Your son is lucky and will never know how lucky he is. You have been nothing but patient with him, when others would not have been. You continue to push for him in every way. You are and will continue to be a really great advocate for him. You always put him first and his best interests are what drives you."
Looks like an excellent mother to me. He is beyond fortunate to have you as his Mommy.
Can you rephrase it to : I'm a great mum and I do the best I can. Now i'd like you to say it to yourself first thing in the morning (before you get up), while you brush your teeth, at lunch, everytime you feel down and last thing before you fall asleep.
Now I know you are going to tell me that it will sound ridiculous (and it will because as I said your negative brain will try to fight it). For me it took me one week before I started to believe what I was saying: I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be love, and you know what I'm a month into saying it and I believe e it! My self love has been very high.
It's like the advice we get here :fake it until you believe it. Trust me on this one JujuB if you stick with it for at least 21 days it will be a massive 180 for you. There will be days when it will be hard but stick to it and you mind will shift from negativity to positivity.
I know you can do it. I will be by your side. Can you make that commitment to yourself for the next 21 days?
I am reminding myself this instant that I am a great mom.
I actually do not have a lot of bad things in my life, except living with my parents. And to be honest in the area I live in, most singles in their 30s with full time professional jobs and no kids live with their parents here. It is that unaffordable. Then they leave to move to a more affordable area. It's our main export...educated youth.
I think this is just a down swing for me. The legal divorce process has started. My first court conference is coming up, it's winter and I'm probably Vit D deficient, I broke my ankle and lost my major stress outlet which was running. I am in process of Learning about a new diagnosis and fighting for services. And now I'm getting a cold. It's a lot!
And I just have to get through it one day at a time. Spring will be better. I just have to get through the next 2 months.
My goal is to get back into my exercise routine. I feel great and I have more confidence about myself when i exercise. So it's a must I have to fit in. I think tomorrow might be the day.
I actually felt better about myself last spring and summer then I am right now. So I know that lack of exercise and winter is playing a role. Right now I feel old and out of shape and unattractive. I have to change that mindset.
Upcoming conference with judge and lawyers and I am very very very nervous. I just want this to be over. For some reason, I feel like this is a sentencing. I would be less nervous getting a surgery then going to this meeting! I am so tired. I can't concentrate. I am anxious about work in a way I haven't been for a while.
I am telling myself...I did not do anything wrong. There is not much I can lose other then half my savings. I can live with that although I would be mad. my lawyer said that ex's lawyer told her he does not want anymore custody then he already has (4 days/month) I still feel sick over this. I need therapy!
So we have come up with an agreement. Neither of us make out in this situation. Just the divorce attorneys. It's a very expensive process and I truly wish things went differently.
I realized today, my ex is not the villain I made him out to be. Just someone that is flawed. And I am flawed, but in a different way.
He basically managed his life and his issues secretly. By doing so he said He wanted to avoid fighting. I wanted to manage our lives openly and by working as a team. But I can honestly say my criticism and resentment and self righteousness would never have made me the best team mate either.
When he left me, he once again left with secrets. I responded with full on paranoia and anxiety. I was the worst divorce buster ever. Had I implemented the advice differently, could I have saved my marriage? Quite possibly. (I still have no evidence of cheating.mbased on what I found out, there is a good chance there was no cheating.). but I was too angry at him. I just couldn't get past that anger.
If he had been more transparent and communicated better from the beginning I would have trusted more as well. Really, if he had just been more vulnerable with me I would not have felt the need for constant bickering.
Today Things ended kind of amicably. I think we will be fine as coparents.
I was not an easy person to deal with. I am embarassed by how I was in our relationship. He was not either though. I Really really wish I could go back knowing what I know now. I still love him. I worry about him. I fear bad things will happen to him but at the same time don't want him to be happy without me. There are parts of our relationship i do miss. It wasn't all bad. But things were bad for so long,mits hard to remember it was good at some points. And he's the one that left.
I feel ya J. This isn't good and evil, it's just a bunch of imperfect humans bumping into each other. Relationships are going to be difficult because we all have our problems.
But you're right. Regardless of why, he left. Once either spouse puts divorce on the table as an option the game is up. It trumps all possibility of evolution or having spring follow the winter of the relationship.
For me, my trigger is 'feelings'. Anger, fear, unhappiness, loneliness, suffering, lack of attraction, etc. It's not that I don't care at all about feelings anymore, but kind of. I'm kind of a suck it up and do what you have to do and be pleasantly surprised if good feelings come along at times. This means when things are bad, suck it up and stay married. When you don't feel like giving to your spouse or to your children or to your employer, suck it up and do what you need to do. I get impatient with the newcomers that constantly talk about how they feel about their WAS in terms of whether they want to keep standing by their M. I'm like 'if you're willing to give up on standing because you no longer feel like it, why are you upset with them for leaving when they no longer felt like staying married?!?' It's all feelings, feelings, feelings. Feelings are super short term and change like the weather. They have important messages to tell us and we need to listen to them, but they can't take over the steering wheel of our life either.
I've learned to listen to my feelings to hear what they're telling me, but in the end I look at my behavior, and whether I am delivering what I need to as a dad and an employee. My kids don't care how I feel, they need me to provide for them and care for them. My company doesn't care how I feel, they need me to produce. It is my duty to make good on those commitments. These are some of my core beliefs about who I am and what I'm supposed to do. I don't put my emotions above that and allow my mood or my momentary happiness above those obligations.
Don't know where that all came from, maybe something on my mind and maybe something jogged that thread in your post, I'm not sure. But really just to reiterate that you didn't walk, he did. Doesn't excuse you from mistakes you made and doing a poor job of managing your behavior and emotions before (although we don't need an excuse for our flaws, our humanity is our excuse), but it no longer matters in terms of the M as the game is up. And while I am no fan of walking from a M, his humanity excuses him to some degree to.
I guess I'm really tired. Instead of deleting this post I'll submit it and read it again tomorrow and see if there is any coherence or underlying point to this.
Thanks J. Take care.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
What's the real difference between feelings and beliefs? Neither are permanent. Nothing about life is permanent. Everything can be twisted.
For example, most people have the belief that marriage should be based on fidelity. But if your partner cheats, there are some that would be willing to overlook that belief and work on their marriage because they have feelings of love for their cheating spouse. Or because they do not want to feel grief or loss. So while feelings influence our beliefs, our beliefs also influence our feelings. I feel angry because my husband defied my beliefs of a committed marriage.
I guess what I am saying is that I don't know how one could actually separate out feelings from beliefs.
I get that feelings are not reliable. I struggle with that because I like things to be fair and "right" but I am often not sure what is fair and right because my feelings are constantly changing. Makes me not trust myself or my judgement. Makes me not alway trust my actions or beliefs.
But I'm gonna stand up for feelings. Feelings and emotions are what makes us alive. They inspire great art and literature. They are the reasons why jokes are funny. Feelings are what drives us to succeed or win or work for change. They ensure protection and survival of our children. Hey, they make sex better. Why are you knocking feelings?
I'm also really tired. I have not been sleeping because of all these DAMN feelings! I know I did not walk away from my marriage. My husband did. Turns out he had tons of credit card debt he had been keeping a secret from me. Luckily, I'm not responsible for it. He was angry and stressed and kept blaming our financial situation on me only working part time. I was convinced he was secretly hiding money and investing. He didn't tell me about it because he wanted to avoid fighting. The truth is it would have been a fight. I wouldn't have been good about it. I would have been angry at the time. But now I'm not angry. I am only sad. I am sad that we didn't work together as a team financially, I am sad that I wasnt a person that would have been solution oriented instead of blame oriented and I am sad that it was money that contributed to the break down of my marriage. Another woman, I would not have forgiven. But if he had just been vulnerable and open with me. Someone said this to me and it just described my situation perfectly. " he left me the same way he managed his debt...with secrets" I googled remarriage after divorce yesterday. My ex wouldn't want this. He would say there's too much damage. It's obvious the way he was pushing for the divorce. He wants to be single. We also cannot stop bickering. I am frusturated by him and by this and for some reason despite all this time I can still not manage my behavior or emotions concerning this and him. I don't understand my feelings!!!
