Long time lurker

[LITB]

Hi Hazy,

I just got caught up on your sitch.

I'm wondering if you took a snapshot of who you were 3 years ago and compared it to who you are today, what would be different?

Your sitch in its current state is unhealthy for everyone involved. You may not realize this, but you have the ability to create a shift in its direction. You currently play the role of the enabler, which will keep your sitch on the same trajectory. I think it is safe to say that fear is holding you back. The fear of him not doing things for you, like covering your health insurance, fixing things, mowing your yards, etc. Correct me if I am wrong.

Moreover, he manipulates you to keep you where he wants. His actions do not align with his words. Like he said that he'd die for you. My BS meter went off, because someone who says something like that to the person they are married to, doesn't have a GF. Be very aware of his manipulative ways.

How will things change? When you have had enough and begin to set boundaries. Since he has a GF, you have no obligation to interact with him or spend time with him. The interactions should be very limited. The cake eating suits him well.

Here's a boundary that I would suggest that you consider, "Mr. Hazy, as long as you have a GF, I do not think it is fair to me or your GF for me to be spending time with you." Then follow through on it. Of course he will not be happy. What kid is happy when their cake is taken away? The reality is, it will have to get more difficult, before it gets better.

Hang in there and trust the process.

[Sotto]

I agree with LITB, you appear to be locked in an unhealthy embrace with your H who now has a GF...but the two of you are still arguing like a couple....but he's a couple with someone else now - ugh..

And none of this is really helping your own sanity and sense of peace is it?

There is no need for you to stay right where you are. You have been here for 3 years and are lumbering along with the same situation and dynamic. I have no problem with someone choosing to stand for their marriage. I respect that and it's entirely up to you.

But allowing your own life to be derailed with unhappy interactions and allowing an unhealthy dynamic to continue is problematic.

Here's the rub - your H may be very happy to contine ringing you every day whilst he has a GF. But is that okay with you? He may continue to do this for a month, a year or 10 years - who knows??

Personally, I would draw right back on the contact - not in a spiteful way - but just in a 'hey this isn't really working for me - if you want a GF have at it - but this isn't how I really want my life to be.'

Start making arrangements to get your own lawn mown and sink fixed. Just suit him out of the picture. He gets to have his cake and eat it, whilst you are seeking a padded room.

Don't look for him to change, make your own changes. You've been fired, which is a bit rotten - but you are also mistress of your own destiny now. Don't hang on his coat tails, embrace the freedom.

Now then, why not try a period of dim contact for the rest of Feb? And why not also post some freedom/independence goals for yourself. Independent of your H, what would you like to achieve this year?

You can do this!!

[Sotto]

Oh, and one last thing - I found it really helpful to read about codependency. It helped me realise that hanging on to an unhealthy situation wasn't serving me well and I needed to do something to move myself to a better place. Have a look at Codependent No More if you haven't done so already...

[Sotto]

Oh, and another final point. I think if you ask yourself these questions and bravely answer them from your highest self, you can't go too far wrong - not just in your present situation but in life generally.

Is this working for me?

What do I need to do to look after myself in this situation?

If you can honestly answer these and courageously act on them, that is the way. I can tell you that these two questions alone have made a big difference to my life...

[Gordie]

I think LITB and Sotto are offering great veteran advice. Much better than my newbie advice. I think the main takeaway for me is the current dynamic isn't working so you have to try something different. I like the suggestions.

[TxHubby]

So he has you at his beck and call when it suits him and he's free to date whomever he wants? Wow, he won the lottery didn't he? There is zero incentive for him to change. He knows he's got you under his thumb and there are no consequences for him for dating while married. Maybe you should start dating instead of sitting around the house waiting for him to call. It's been 3 years. If he still loves you then you dating someone else will do the trick.

He'll want what he can't have. All people do. It's human nature. You're making it way too easy for him. You're a guarantee. Stop being a guarantee today. Have some self-respect. It'll work, I promise.

[Hazy]

Journalling and thanking you all for offering feedback.

Your comments really help me and they are all so very true. I appreciate your honesty and frankness

An update on my situation. On the 20th of February WAH told me that he broke up with his GF. He said he wanted to spend more time with me and of course that made me happy. Since that day we have spent a lot of time together. Practically everyday we see each other or text/talk on the phone. We have gone on a couple of family outings as well.

We haven't had any relationship talks and I make sure not to argue about anything unimportant. If it is about finances or kids, we have quickly solved the issue and moved on.

He has said a couple of things that make it seem like he is wanting to have me more permanent in his life. During spending time at my place he said "I really miss having your cooking and spending time with you here at the house" Another time he said "The most content I've been in the past year is sitting with you having lunch and us just being together"

We have been in this situation before over the past three years. The positive changes I have made are:

1. I haven't pursued
2. I don't ask about his whereabouts
3. I am always happy and smiling when we're together

I hope we are moving in the right direction but I also keep all of your words in mind. I'm taking it slow and I actually am ok if it doesn't work out. I have written goals per DR and most of them have already been met. Which is a good sign. BUT like I said, we have been here before and the progress dissolved overnight.

[Hazy]

Journaling:

Things are still going pretty smooth with WH besides my anxiety of what will happen next. I am trying to live in the moment each time we are together. But I still have this fear that any day he will say he's not ready to be in a relationship with me and he will scurry backwards.

Is this normal? After reading a lot of posts it seems normal.

He has said some positive things lately. He has told me he loves me, that he loves spending time with me, and that he looks forward to our time together.

However, He has also said that he likes his life that he has built for himself. The alone time he has, the place he has, and the not having to answer to anyone. Not sure what to make of that.

Any responses are definitely welcomed.

[Dawgs]

But I still have this fear that any day he will say he's not ready to be in a relationship with me and he will scurry backwards.

I see this as completely normal given what one has gone through, no?

However, He has also said that he likes his life that he has built for himself. The alone time he has, the place he has, and the not having to answer to anyone. Not sure what to make of that.

This almost reads like he is in dating mode with you again. Like he is enjoying the single life but at the same time want to see you and spend time with you, if that makes sense. At least that's how I read it. Is that a good/bad thing? Who knows, but the fact of him saying that he said he loves you and looks forward to spending time with you isn't a bad thing in my book.

Just keep doing what you are doing and you'll be fine.