Gordie: trying to focus on me

[SBJ]

She told me she feels like an 18 year old getting ready to go off to college for the first time.

Barf

But there is a thing called reality. There is nothing new under the sun. She is chasing a pipe dream.

I think this is the reality for most of us...right?

They feel that by getting out from under the marriage, they will have this total freedom to whatever/whenever they want with whoever they want. The reality is that they are or will be ex-wives with children that they will have responsibilities for for quite some time.

Their reality will hit them at some point, but whether they see it for a while is up in the air.

[ForGump]

Yep, some people are fools all their lives.

[Bird]

Conscious Uncoupling - yes. Sort of. In that H had a few browser windows open on the subject when he was reading up on MLC prior to BD in November. The phrase makes my skin crawl. Isn't that the phrase that Chris Martin and Gwenyth Paltrow used when they got divorced? Ugh. Let's try to make something completely unnatural sound downright charming.

[CaliGuy]

x 2000 on 50/50. Thankfully I live in a state where this is pretty standard unless one of the parents shows they are not able ... even then seems measures are taken to really push for 50/50. Remember ... she is in crisis and you will have to be the rock the kids look towards and if that's less then 50% they suffer.

They feel that by getting out from under the marriage, they will have this total freedom to whatever/whenever they want with whoever they want. The reality is that they are or will be ex-wives with children that they will have responsibilities for for quite some time.

Understand MLC is depression. These people in crisis have been trying to figure out why they are depressed and now have arrived at a point in their lives where they want the pain to stop, many depressed people will try therapy, meds, alcohol, drugs, OPs ..... MLCrs are no different and they often see the M as the root cause, rewriting history ... I never loved you, the M was a mistake ... anything to get out of the M, justify why and experience that bliss they just know they could have if only X, Y, and Z would happen.

As you said .. hopefully reality will set in, but from what I have seen and read this is not till they have exhausted all avenues to where they believe happiness to be, its not till then they bottom out and look internally, hopefully do the mirror work and come through the stages/tunnel as they process what they need to process in order to be whole and healthy again.

In the meantime we LBSs have a good deal of work to do on ourselves which is the only thing we really have control over in this mess.

[HaWho]

I think I missed something along the way. It seems like you are going to give her more than 50% custody? Is this correct? I tried to look back and see why that would be but couldn't find the reason. Can you clarify?

So regarding her attempted conquest of the master bedroom, this is a biggie because it may go on for a while especially if she refuses to move out. So you can't roll over on this. You aren't going to move out and you aren't going to give up the MBR. She has her plan and most likely she hopes you'll give her everything she wants (because that's always the MLC plan. My h wanted to sleep around and still come home for dinner every night and he was *shocked* when I said no. And of course, I was shocked he was shocked.)

I assume she is trying to anger you or upset you to the point that you quit and move out. My h tried to push my buttons to the point that I know he wanted me to throw him out. This way he wouldn't look like the bad guy (who left his kids) and he'd be free (your w wants to go to college again, my h wanted to be Indiana Jones and sleep around).

You are going to need tremendous patience. It may turn into the Battle of the Roses; it did for us. Sounds like the first battle is for the MBR. Or maybe for custody of the kids?

Just remind yourself that you are sticking to your turf and she can make her own decisions. As for the redocorating of the MBR, it depends on how far she takes it. If she is taking your stuff and putting it in storage, well, that is not okay. If it's mild stuff, then try ignoring it or do a complete 180 and tell her "I LOVE these new curtains!"

[ForGump]

Gordie,

All this non-sensical stuff your W is doing ... I speculate that your W is trying to divorce you without actually divorcing you, because that's too much for her at this point. In other words, she doesn't have the courage to pull the trigger -- i.e., tell her lawyer to file and break up the family -- so she's doing all kinds of s$%! to make herself FEEL like she's divorcing you. It feeds the MLC part of her brain, makes her feel better for the moment.

But, as you know, it can't go on indefinitely. At some point she's going to realize that she's just "playing divorce," not really divorcing.

If this is true ... where does that leave you. I don't know. You could think of it as a gift of time, but it's unlikely she'll see any DB you do during this time with any clarity and wisdom. She's in la-la land. Alternatively, you could say I'm not going to play this silly game, and ... well, I guess you're just going to have to DB until she files for real.

Be strong, Gordie.

[skm0619]

I've been following along on this thread, but after reading the post that Mach1 put on from a previous poster about fear and control all I can say is WOW!!!!!!

That post pretty much summed up ALOT of things. I really hope I can dig deep enough and figure out what I am afraid of, and why I am having such a hard time focusing on me and what I need to do. And not be afraid to let go of all this because it really is out of my control.

I just need to learn to face it and then accept what comes from that.

[Gordie]

CaliGuy/ForGump/HaWho--Here is the custody update. Originally, my W proposed the every other weekend and once a week dinner. All of you said that this was way too little and I needed to fight for 50/50--you were right that I needed to ask for more and thank you for the 2x4s! Your feedback emboldened me to think about what I wanted (the same amount of daily parenting time that I have now) and then ask for it and then get it in writing.

SBJ--Yes, she's in la la land, not reality. I really hope she's not one of the MLCers who stay in la la land for the rest of their lives.

KarenHC--Yes, it's the Gwyneth Paltrow thing.

ForGump--I love your insights. It never occurred to me that she is playing divorcing, yet not really divorcing. Maybe that is why she been talking about filing for two months but not actually doing it...but that could change at any moment.

skm0619--I've been working on my homework, but am not yet ready for my full thought out response to Mach1.

[SBJ]

Gord...I think you just have to look at what is best for you and your kids at the moment. I have been fortunate in that my W is the one that came up with the 50/50 custody. I assume it is so that she can have her freedom to be on her own for a while...with all that that implies.

I also understand your desire hoping that she doesn't stay gone forever...prepare for the worst, but hope and pray for the best is the best I have for that one. I too love my W and want our family mended, but I am also seeing her for what she is right now and that is truly sad. She is selfish and manipulative. That is totally out of character for her. Like they say, they also do a total 180.

Your comment from FG about playing divorce brought back memories from my dad and step mother. She wanted a D, but she also wanted him at her beck and call. That was for everything...child care, sex, date nights...you name it he did it, and in the end she finally left him anyway. She was a WW that karma finally bit in the @$$. She remarried and was finally happy...her new husband left her for OW. Like they say, karma's a B!#^h.

[Gordie]

SBJ--knowing what you know now, what advice would you give your dad in his situation back then?