Gordie: trying to focus on me

[Gordie]

So this week, W is crying, low energy, despondent...she never acts this way; she is normally a very upbeat, high energy person...my natural reaction is to try and comfort her...but she doesn't want my comfort...so I've been just been giving her space and doing my own thing with the kids when we are both at home...it hurts to see her hurting...is there anything that I can do for her? I told her one night that I am open to talk to her if she wants to talk and she declined...

Re thoughts on abandonment homework...it reminds me that being alone isn't in and of itself a bad thing...that many sane people choose to be alone...abandonment hurts because it is an involuntarily imposed state of being alone...

It made me think to my pre-marriage days...I was independent...I was strong and comfortable on my own...I've always had close male friends...and I casually dated women, but never let them get too close...it was my W who was the first who I really opened my heart to and the rest is history...and then BD...and I am so needy and clingy and feeling and acting like my life will be over if we get a D...ugh, how unattractive!

I need to get back to that place...independent...strong and comfortable on my own...I still have close male friends...I'm wounded but I'm not dead...I'm starting to see that life will go on, whether or not I'm married...because of the kids, we will be in each others lives for a very long time and no one knows what the future holds...we may move on to other partners...we may get back together...who knows...I guess this is a step in the letting go process...

[SBJ]

So this week, W is crying, low energy, despondent...she never acts this way; she is normally a very upbeat, high energy person...

Gord, sounds like your wife is definitely depressed and she feels that it is a direct result of her feelings towards you.

my natural reaction is to try and comfort her...but she doesn't want my comfort...

She doesn't want the person that is making her depressed trying to make her feel better. The same sort of thing happened with my W and a psychologist explained it this way...you are in a small room with a cat and the cat allows you to pet it and scratch it under the neck. The cat comes back over to you and you kick the hell out of it. You then try and pet the cat...what do you think it will do. It definitely won't want you to comfort it at that point.

I'm not saying you physically hurt her, but right now she feels that you are the source of her pain...right?

many sane people choose to be alone...abandonment hurts because it is an involuntarily imposed state of being alone...

You are so right...that is the part that hurts the worst. You didn't choose being alone, but I am beginning to realize that they didn't choose their crisis either. Now if it is simply a WW then that is a different story...they are morally lacking at that point.

I need to get back to that place...independent...strong and comfortable on my own...

Isn't that what GAL'ing is all about? Finding ourselves again.

I'm wounded but I'm not dead...I'm starting to see that life will go on, whether or not I'm married...because of the kids, we will be in each others lives for a very long time and no one knows what the future holds...we may move on to other partners...we may get back together...who knows...I guess this is a step in the letting go process...

Your thoughts are very similar to mine. We will be able to get thru this and thrive no matter what happens to our wives. You are also correct in that we will be in each others lives forever due to the fact that we have kids together. My hardest thing to overcome is my own jealousy, but that I guess comes with complete detachment from her. One thing that keeps popping in my head is to "Let go and let God" take care of her. As it says..."Thy will be done".

[job]

Gordie,

Please start a new thread and link your old thread to your new one. I'll take care of linking your new one to this one. Thanks!

New Thread:

Gordie: trying to focus on me 2

[roist]

You are doing well and have good support lately which really helps. I see a lot of positives on your words. Keep up that forward momentum.

I understand how difficult it is to see your wife upset and not try to comfort her. Now that she has refused your offer, please respect her wish. Maybe as SBJ said she associates you as being the cause of her sadness. But also it could have absolutely nothing to do with you or your M.

She could have broken a toe nail and is upset about her ruined looks. She could have not wanted to talk about that because a broken toe nail is too shameful. OK I exaggerate but it could be a multitude of things. An exercise I read about a while back was to imagine a cause which didn't affect you mentally. You do not have to believe it is true, but that it could be. Once you no longer associate her mood with something negative it is in theory easier to handle and by handle I mean not dwell on it or have the urge to swoop in and save her from it.

Another observation I have noticed is that depression/sadness is better than an angry spewing spouse. Yes easier to live with but more importantly is a better place in terms of saving your M. Not to oversimplify things but in general after depressed/sad the WAS often becomes angry. Then if still unhappy they become numb. Stages are rarely so clear cut and often are cyclic but it may help to see depression as not being all that bad.

I am not belittling what you are going through, but rather change your perspective on it.

I like that you have identified characteristics that you will aim for. That is very good. Make a plan and work towards rebecoming that man.

It is good to realize what behavior/attitude is attractive. But even forgetting about your W those characteristics are attractive for you to. They will improve your self image and being happy with who you are has so many benefits. You are almost there but work on not needing to be married but wanting to be. It is something I worked hard on and it was hard, but it is liberating too, as it takes off the pressure on you, which consequently reduces pressure we inadvertently place on our spouces.

Part of achieving that is realising not only does life go on without our spouses but it can actually be great. It is full of potential. Get excited about what you will do IF ye separate. Get excited about what you can do now.

The one thing that I had/have the biggest problem doing is being happy or appearing so around W. It is hard when living together but I cannot over emphasize it's importance. The first step is to remove negativity.Then work on your own happiness.

Best wishes

[kml]

Let me guess - did OM break up with her???