Gordie: trying to focus on me

[Gordie]

It's been six months since BD. We are negotiating our D settlement. We are still under the same roof. We haven't told the kids. On a day to day basis, things appear relatively normal. We talk, we do daily activities, and yes...we still ML.

I have come to accept that barring some miraculous divine intervention (still praying) that I will be a divorced man in the coming weeks or months. As I have been advised by the many veterans here, it's time for me to change my focus from my W to myself.

Yes, I still want to desperately save my M but if that is to be then it will likely have to be a reconciliation which follows some period of actual D. And I know that neither the timeline nor the outcome are in my hands. My W may wake up some day and say what have I done or may not, but in either case it is out of my hands.

I need to move forward with my life, make me a better man, a better father. My life can no longer revolve around my W. She can no longer be my best friend. Her moods can't dictate my moods. Her opinion of me can't be my opinion of me.

I can't be consumed by sadness, anger, resentment, bitterness...those things will only rob me of the joy and happiness that are still in my life. I can't be consumed by guilt and shame. I'll take my fair share of the blame, but it's not all my fault.

My life will not be what I expected it to be, but I am going to fight with God's help to make the most of what it will be. I will stumble and fall, but I'm going to keep getting up to fight another day.

[Gordie]

Prior thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2727554#Post2727554

[ForGump]

Gordie,

What is your reaction to the idea of your W being with someone else? I find that to be one of the most tortuous aspects of getting divorced. There is just some animal part of me, somewhere in the base of my brain, or something buried deep in my gut, that can't let go.

[Gordie]

Reaction? I want to tear my heart out, scream until my voice gives out, cry from the depths of my soul, jump off a bridge, get in my car and keep driving...all of the above?

My W already told me she loves another man. She already told me she doesn't want to be married to me anymore. She has already told me he is her best friend. She has already told me how great he will be with the children. She has already told me that she wants to have a romantic and sexual relationship with him.

As you know, my pain is partly tempered by the fact that this may be a fantasy and not reality, but it still is the worst thing I ever imagined. Will it hurt more if it actually becomes reality before my eyes? Yes.

But...this will not be the end of me. I will hold my chin up. I will be there for my children. I will not lose my faith in God, in human relationships. I know that there is a better tomorrow...with or without my W. I find txhubby' posts from the other side quite sobering. No mattter what, it will never be the innocent love that was before all of this ****.

[mirage]

Gordie,

This I like..."it will not be the end of me" "I will be there for my children". Change it to "our" and I like this to.

This I don't " It will never be the innocent love". In the beginning it is easy to over romanticize things. to make it more than it was. I'm not saying your marriage wasn't great, It sounds like it was but....

as you heal yourself you find things about you that you lost, things that went dormant...and these things along with some new aspects that build your character even further from this mess contribute to a better, stronger, more humanly aware person that has some empathy as well.

I've been where you are. Your journey till now sounds similar to mine. We lived together for a while and even ML but it was not satisfying at all because she really wasn't there.

You are correct, they must live there fantasy till the fantasy dies...and it will die. It doesn't mean they find themselves at that point either. My EXW is still running away 7 years later and has to my knowledge never hit bottom and may never. Guess what, not my issue as many say here.

There is a wonderful life waiting for you.....but it's up to you to grab it, to seize it and to squeeze every bit of life out of it. There is definetely a great life out there minus the MLC'er.

I do hope you save marriage and she finds what's missing if anything at all but you can pave the way regardless.

Mirage

[Gordie]

Mirage,

Thanks for the encouragement that there is healing an a better life ahead for me. I'm really trying to have a PMA to crowd out the darkness. Yes, you are right: our children.

Re innocent love. It's something that txhubby called it. The kind of love where you think this person I love could never... Yes, we are all capable of it, but the innocent and romantic aspect is that it wouldn't be our beloved. That we would be different. Naive? Yes, unfortunately.

I haven't ready your threads but will check them out. I'm always curious to read the vets threads to see how they changed over time and what happened to the R. For those with kids, it seems there is a range from friends...to NC except logistics.

[ForGump]

Gordie, I'm right there w/ you on the pain. I find the pain soul crushing and bewildering. It's a betrayal.

As you know, my pain is partly tempered by the fact that ...

... plus you two still have sex. I think all of that put together tells you your W is one confused person right now. She is not dealing in reality.

In a perverse way, that should give you some hope. Once she hits the brick wall of reality, she might have to start to deal with it, and that may include realizing what a good partner you are.

[Gordie]

ForGump, as always, thanks for lending your ear and your voice to my situation.

Random thoughts/events and how I am handling them:

1. Like HaWho experienced, I recently was with my W and daughter and the three of us were conversing but my W would totally ignore anything I said for about 30 minutes as if she was just talking to my daughter. This was weird so I just tried to be normal and converse...and then she started including me in the discussion again.

2. W and I recently had a conflict. In the past, both would have just swept it under the rug and not spoken of it again. I tried a different approach. I recognized where I was wrong and I approached her the next day and apologized for what I did. She was surprised and thanked me and then gave me a hug.

3. W has recently been spending a lot of time with her friend, POM's mom. I am choosing not to mind read or speculate on what is going on. In the past, I would have obsessed about why they were meeting and what they were discussing. I have resisted asking W any questions about this.

4. One of our major appliances had a problem and I spent a good chunk of time fixing it. I wonder if my W asks me to fix something after we get D, should I do it? I know it's part cake eating but I also know money will be really tight for both of us.

5. One evening this week, she was just gushing about how much she loves me and what a great man I am and that I am awesome--that hasn't happened in a while. I do think I am doing better with her wild mood swings. They still affect me but less so than they used to.

[MoveFrwd]

2. W and I recently had a conflict. In the past, both would have just swept it under the rug and not spoken of it again. I tried a different approach. I recognized where I was wrong and I approached her the next day and apologized for what I did. She was surprised and thanked me and then gave me a hug.

But do you think you were wrong? Apologizing isnt necessarily 'validating'. I mean, it's OK to have different opinions on things. I think it's important that she feel 'heard', but I dont think apologizing that there was conflict is always a great idea. That was me...for many years.

4. One of our major appliances had a problem and I spent a good chunk of time fixing it. I wonder if my W asks me to fix something after we get D, should I do it? I know it's part cake eating but I also know money will be really tight for both of us.

it's "part" cake-eating?

[Gordie]

Kaizen,

Thanks. The first was something I definitely felt needed an apology on my part. I'm not quick to acknowledge when I have wronged someone--and this is something I want to improve about me. I started doing this with the kids too. This was just the first time it had come up with the W.

Re fixing appliances and doing stuff for my W. I think it is going to be very hard for me to stop, even after D. Please hit me with a 2x4, as needed.

Reasons to continue helping: she needs help, money is tight, it helps the kids, it is an act of service/act of love from me to her, better for her to ask me

Reasons to stop helping; she needs to miss me, she needs to feel the consequences of her actions (divorce), she wants to be independent, better for her to ask OM