Unfortunately I cant look at her phone bill, it is through her mom's company. She is not as discrete as she thinks she is when she puts in her phone password, so I can get it, the problem arises when trying to access her phone. She either changes it before I have a chance to try to get in, or else I can't get to it.
So she has been keeping her phone on her nightstand, (for the last 2 weeks) and really the only time I really wanted to get in it was when she slept on it one night (because she was texting the om, more than likely).
Today's interaction I really brought up the secrecy issue. I told her that she doesn't want privacy, she wants secrecy. I will try to be patient.
I think I threw this out there this morning, but from Coach's boundary post I told her that I do not want an open marriage. Today my IC and I worked on boundaries. So one of her big things is that twice I left work to confront her. She likes to say that I don't need to leave work. Well me and the IC talked about how she is trying to enforce her boundaries on me. Next time we have a boundaries talk, or she tries to enforce a boundary on me I should say:
"you are trying to create boundaries in my life when you yourself will not receive my influence regarding your boundaries, i.e. strict no contact, transparency, and not drinking." Any thoughts?
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
The first time she was a little grumpy towards me. I called her out on it, and told her that I don't like grumpy people.
Then later she called and asked if I was ok with her going out after work, I told her that I wasn't her father, and to have fun. I asked her to run an errand for me on her way home tonight. I told her I was going out for a bit tonight too. She asked if I was going to see my buddy that was working, and I told her no.
As soon as I got off the phone with her, my buddy texted me, and asked if I wanted to meet up with him. I said sure.
She called me not five minutes later, and said that my buddies wife had texted her, and said we were meeting up. And why did I tell her that we weren't.
I explained to her that there was nothing shady going on, and he had texted me as soon as I got off the phone with her. We decided to meet up after me and ww's call took place. I didn't see what the big deal was. I reiterated that it was nothing shady.
I think her double life is starting to get to her.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
are you two together and working on M? why does she sometimes let you see her phone - that makes me think she's in the M. sorry haven't read the whole thread but intrigued nonetheless.
cake and eat it. she wants to know where you're going but still wants to do whatever she wants. classic.
Yes, we are still together. We are not really working on the marriage, she said that she wants to go to MC. She said she loves me, and wants to stay married to me (I am not reading too much into this, I think she is still wayward, and trying to keep me around).
I want full transparency, which I haven't gotten. I get some transparency, but she still keeps phone password protected, and wont give it to me. She is still friends with om on Facebook.
She did tell me just a few minutes ago, when she called me, that she was over the other man, and has been for about two week. She said she has not texted him in two weeks either (I cant verify this). She told me that he did text her on Sunday, when she accidently tagged him in a facebook post, but she didn't respond and deleted the text. I saw her deleting a message that day, after she told me, but just ignored it.
I think she is trying to eat cake. We both see our ICs. She said she wants to do mc (like I said above) but she has made no effort. But then again neither have I. She does text and call me a lot, almost like in the old days. I don't know, really trying not to read anything into anything, and let her back too fast because I don't want this happening again.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
she went out with coworkers last night. After her shift ended (9 p.m.) she called me. She tried to get snippy with me when I asked what time she would get home. I told her that I wasn't going to talk to her if she was going to yell at me through the phone. She said she wasn't yelling on purpose, but she was cold (she was outside, she is a smoker). I ended the call.
She called me back, and was calm. She said if I didn't care that she went out why did I care what time she got home. I explained to her that I wanted to know a time, to see if she was trustworthy. I reminded her that she had told me times in the past, and never made it home at that the times. That sober her acts like were married, but drunk her forgets that she is married.
She started getting defensive so I told her I was getting off the phone.
About 4 minutes later she called me back again. She said, "You know I really do love you. I don't want you to go to bed angry. You know I start to get crazy when I get worried about you." I said okay, goodnight, and then I broke one of Sandi2's rules and said love you.
So then she texted me about 9:51 p.m.: ww: still awake huh babe? me: yeah my navy seal show was on ww: lol 24 hr? me: no its called six Me: 24 legacy is on sundays ww: ohhhh my bad!! lol me: yeah pay attention...jk ww: hahaha geez! I will get better!
Then she texted me around 11, saying she was "about to pay and be home soon! love you!"
Of course I was already asleep, so I didn't respond. I know I cant read too much into any of this because obviously she would be at home if all of this were 100% true.
But what do you all think? Is this some progress? I kind of feel that she is just trying to keep me on the hook. I have no idea. She talks about going to a buddy of mine's wedding Labor day, but I really don't address her when she talks about that.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
So yesterday she asked if I wanted to join her and a friend for Mexican food. I said sure. They wanted to go to a joint near our house. I said that I would rather go to another place (we use to go there all the time when we lived in our last place, and it is a far superior restaurant), she said that was a great idea.
We talk (me, ww, and her friend) for about an hour. Then they start talking about their different clients, and the clients that have been driven away because of their boss. I start watching the pregame for the Duke UNC game. WW asks if I am bored.
I don't remember my exact words, but kind of joking that I would leave, ww has a huge blow up. Who said you could leave. Even her friend was like, he was joking around. I stick around for 15 more minutes and say I am going home to let the dogs out.
She asks if she can stay with Mandy (not real name), and talk about the guy Mandy is "dating" (it is an interesting story, he is in Houston, they only text, he claims he cant call on the phone because he is in the military, but we think he is really in prison). I go home let the dogs out. I start to read.
She calls me says she is leaving, and has to get the mail for her mom because she is out of town (this is true, we have a big pile, and I know her mom is out of town) and will be home shortly after that.
I tell her that is fine, I am going to bed (9p.m.) because I have a bit of a cold or sinus infection. She asks if she can have another drink with Mandy since I am going to bed.
I told her she should do what she thinks is right. She says not to do that to her. I told her that she was rude to me on the phone, so I didn't care.
I go to sleep. I get a phone call at 12:30a.m. She says that she is sorry for staying out so late, and didn't realize what time it was. They met their coworkers at the bar across the street from where they work. She says that she has to take Mandy back to her car, and will be home. I think it is funny I always get an ILY when she screws up.
She comes in when she gets home and wakes me up. She asks how mad am I. I tell her that I am really only at a 5 because this has become her life. I then tell that she has "bought the bus ticket for non-stop trip to rock bottom."
I then tell her (calmly, I am not raising my voice at all) that I do not want to join her for the ride to rock bottom. She says she is not trying to hit rock bottom. I tell her that my greatest fear is that she is either going to get pulled over for a DUI or get in a wreck and kill an innocent person.
She tries to get lovey with me, and kisses my neck. I roll over. She rubs her legs against mine. She tells me she is not going out tonight. I fall asleep.
Today, she called me once and texted me a couple of times. Being patient with the process is hard.
However, I know if she doesn't slow down on her drinking, she is going to force me to leave. I will not watch her become an alcoholic, and continue to destroy our lives (and mostly her life) with alcohol.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
However, I know if she doesn't slow down on her drinking, she is going to force me to leave. I will not watch her become an alcoholic, and continue to destroy our lives (and mostly her life) with alcohol.
Is leaving the best way to handle that? That's a rhetorical question; I honestly don't know the answer to the question. Maybe you could create a boundary. And possibly, instead of you moving out, she would have to move out?
She said that she would do mc, and that we needed to get a list of counselors together, and decide on one together. Then start going.
She has not made any effort towards that though. So yesterday and today, I have called around, and compiled a list of mc's for us to pick from. I am going to talk to her about it this weekend.
I don't think leaving would be the best way to handle it, but at the same time, I know I don't want to live with "party girl" for a wife. She knows that she has been abusing alcohol too much, and says she wants to cut back. Part of me wonders if the drinking could be she is going through withdrawals from the om.
It is something I obviously have to think about, and will speak with my IC and eventual mc about.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
Today's interaction I really brought up the secrecy issue. I told her that she doesn't want privacy, she wants secrecy. I will try to be patient.
Good point!
Quote:
I think I threw this out there this morning, but from Coach's boundary post I told her that I do not want an open marriage. Today my IC and I worked on boundaries. So one of her big things is that twice I left work to confront her. She likes to say that I don't need to leave work. Well me and the IC talked about how she is trying to enforce her boundaries on me. Next time we have a boundaries talk, or she tries to enforce a boundary on me I should say:
"you are trying to create boundaries in my life when you yourself will not receive my influence regarding your boundaries, i.e. strict no contact, transparency, and not drinking."
I don't know that you fully understand about boundaries. Do this..........pretend you have drawn a circle around yourself. No person can step over this line/circle to hurt you.....without them experiencing unfavorable results. You are standing in this invisible circle and the only one who is in charge of protecting your feelings. If someone crosses that line, they have dishonored your boundary, b/c they do not care about your feelings.
Think about this.....what happens when someone dishonors the boundary around private property? If there is just a sign that says "private property" but nothing happens if an intruder disregards the sign........wouldn't you believe the sign served little use to its owner? Just posting a sign does not garantee the owner his property will be protected....but rather the results that come to anyone who disregards the sign and intrudes the private property.
In other words, your words, alone , will not carry much weight with a wayward wife. A WW is going to push the boundary as much as she can.....to see if you really do anything about it. Therefore, do NOT declare something as your boundary, unless you are prepared to back up your words.
There have been a few newcomer H's who read Coach's example of not being in an open marriage, and were eager to announce to the WW their same boundary. However, they were not prepared to back it up when the WW continued contacting her OM. So, what is your plan if your W does not honor your boundary? You are the one responsible to protect your boundary, and it's up to you to show the consequences of dishonoring it. The action is up to you.
I do not understand your last statements. What does that mean? You cannot place a boundary on her life, or vise versa. Just like you can't set goals for another person.
Boundaries are not created to control the actions of your W. It's not putting a dog collar around her neck. She is an adult and has free will to choose who and what to respect. The boundary you stated is for you.....not her. And btw, don't state a boundary in some weak, watered down manner......."I don't want to live in an open M". A real boundary should be stated as, "I will not live in an open M". It's not open for debate or discussion. If she chooses to disregard it, then the next move should come from you. You have told her, she chose not to honor your feelings, so now what? Tell her again? No! If she ignored the first time, why would repeating it make the boundary any stronger?
How "effective" is your boundary? That depends on what you do when it is dishonored. Boundaries are for protection, not punishment. However, let me add this point........if her choice to dishonor your boundary has no consequences, then it is ineffective. In other words, if you remain in the M after she dishonors your boundary of "not living in an open M", it is useless. But, if you pack her bags and kick her out, or you pack your stuff and leave......then she experiences the consequences of breaking your boundary. Do you see what I mean? It can't be used as a threat, a bluff, or a tool for controling her. If you can't carry through with action, then don't declare a boundary.
I have seen several LBH's husbands use the action of leaving the room whenever their boundary was dishonored. That might work with strangers. It might even work when your W disrespects you in public......or has a screaming attack at home. However, the more major/serious (for lack of a better word) the boundary.....the greater the consequences of dishonoring it should be. The consequencs should match the crime, so to speak.
I don't understand what you mean by her trying to force her boundaries on you. Neither do I see the connection between boundaries and you leaving work to confront her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
