There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Did your W have a fairly normal childhood? Did either of you date others before becoming high school sweethearts?
There are some threads about the mindset of a wayward wife. You should be able to see if it sounds like your W.
Yes and no.. I mean to how I was raised it was much different, which shows some in our parenting differences. Nothing bad, just seemed her upbringing was less fun more structured.. And yes we both dated others before. Sex with others, no...
I'm working on GAL.. its tough being that I've been so used to having someone close to talk to and want to experience things with. Ive joined a gym again and have been wanting to get back into hobbies I had before, ie. Playing Guitar.. having a car to work on.. Goal would be to get a classic car to build and work on with my young son. Let him have some good father son bonding time as well as my daughter as she can be a real tomboy sometimes.
Update... The hits just keep on coming.. They say things come in 3s.. so I'm not sure what else there is to hit me to make the third.. but I just lost my Grandfather who I was pretty close to and meant a lot to me. He was one I had looked up to and followed in a way into the military as well.
When I let her know he passed in person all I received back was an "Oh"...Nothing much else.. she asked if there was anything she could do, but moreso was there anything she could do as far as the kids, if they needed to be with me some or needed help picking them up from school.. nothing more. I don't know why I was expecting a different response.. but a part of me was hoping for more.. A part of me was hoping for at least a friendly hug, or more concern. I guess this is where I'm stuck on the, "I just need space so that I can find myself." Which has not been what I have been seeing since she got her space.
I would think that 14 years together that there would still be some type of feelings there or general niceness, even if just for my family.. but I guess not. Just an "Oh," and then diverting to the children.. I mean before, she said she wanted to still be friends and have a good relationship through this.. Now I don't believe it... Her family at least was the first to reach out with condolences..
Am I wrong in my thinking?? What can cause such disconnect when everything seemed fine not even that long ago!?
Re your W, I think this is why they say keep your expectations at ZERO. You obviously still have expectations for how she should interact with you and those expectations are hurting YOU. You need to take them down to zero so when she doesn't give you sympathy, ask how you are doing, or give you a hug, it doesn't affect you. Treat her like a female neighbor or a female store clerk. Would you be disappointed if they didn't give you a hug?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re your W, I think this is why they say keep your expectations at ZERO. You obviously still have expectations for how she should interact with you and those expectations are hurting YOU. You need to take them down to zero so when she doesn't give you sympathy, ask how you are doing, or give you a hug, it doesn't affect you. Treat her like a female neighbor or a female store clerk. Would you be disappointed if they didn't give you a hug?
Thank you Gordie for the kick.. I'm trying, I guess the feeling of not having closure on the why is my problem, that and the emotional kick of loss again.. I go through the ZERO expectation, but something causes me to want again.. Should I just be completely numb with things about her while 180ing? As so far doing the NC except for kids, W seems unfazed or worse.. and I know its still very early in the process but I guess I'm still stuck on feelings and wants..
It's painful to lose anyone you love. I was extremely close to my grandparents. It must be extra painful not to have the emotional support from your spouse.
To answer your last question from your post, a wayward mindset can cause a person to disconnect from their spouse and the MR. I believe she is wayward, based on what I am reading in your description. Actually, a WW can turn around much faster than one in MLC. I'm not saying she will.....but it is possible, and
Quote:
that is the good news.
I just need space so that I can find myself." Which has not been what I have been seeing since she got her space.
Perhaps I've already said this........it is "script" taken from the WW textbook. Believe nothing she tells you. I think it's Cadet who says if her mouth is open she is lying. If you will read the thread about the wayward wife, it might save you valuable time and spare you a little pain.
This is not the girl you married! She has completely changed, but if you will approach this issue of her wayward mindset, she can turn back. She will not grow out of it, and she won't "snap" out of it.....until she begins experiencing the loss of something valuable to her. In some cases, the loss may be cumulative......and in other cases, it may be one thing that shocks her so badly that she sees the reality around her, instead of her fantasy. She will know it is the result of her decisions. She will see how wrong she has been....and she cannot blame anyone but herself.
I strongly suggest that the loss begins with you. I don't mean it is your job to punish her, nor should you hunt for ways to create losses for her. Know what I mean? Work on what you can control, which is you.
She still has you. You are available to her, and she can manipulate you b/c you want to save the M. She can see your neediness and eagerness to get her back home. She will use you to her advantage. For waywards.....everything is all about herself and how she benefits. I dare suggest she still gets some benefits from what you provide, although she does not want to be your W. She wants the advantages of the M, without the responsibilities. The WW will try to keep on foot in the M and the other foot in her fantasy (OM, Girls Gone Wild, etc.)
So, what can you do to take yourself out of that picture? Start with your time and availability. How available are you to her calls/texting? Do you wait, or check your messages to see if you missed her? Do make up excuses to contact her? Kids are used all the time by the LBS, as their excuse to discuss logistics with the WW every day. If you don't believe me, just start reading threads, and you'll see how quickly H's add they had to talk about kid logistics with the WW. Okay, so moving right along....... How available do you give her a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen to all "about her"? How available are you to keep the kids when they are scheduled to be with her? If you have not started feeling "used", just wait cause it's coming. It's all about what she wants and the way she wants it. How flexable are you to do pretty much anything she asks? Are the doors to the marital home open for whenever she decides to pop in? Does she get to go to the home when she wants to see the kids on your scheduled time? Does she leave clothes and personal items in the marital home? Do you take care of her car, or make payments she cannot afford? Do you help her fix whatever at her place (plumbing, electrical stuff, technical stuff, etc.)? Do you ever attend events with her (family, job, school activites, birthdays, etc.)? These are just a few ways the WW can still benefit from the M and continue her affair and living outside the M. These are things you where you have an option of choice, b/c it all involves your participation. See what I mean? This is where you start. You cannot emotionally detach, if you can't learn to control your end. And she won't want you as long as you are available.
If you don't think this would make a big difference, just do it.......and see. She won't like it one little bit. She still expects you to be available for her. She has removed herself from the MR and the marital home. She is no longer gets the umbrella of benefits that go with the position of being your wife. See what I mean?
It is not a matter of what you "want to do". It is a matter of doing what works with a wayward wife. The hard part comes first, and it won't change for the better in a short time......but if you stick with respecting yourself and setting effective boundaries to protect your feelings....things will change for the better.
You feel afraid that you'll lose her. You have already lost her. ((I'm Here)) I would like to help you understand how you can attract her back to you. So, do this afraid.....but do it.
Too long of a post, so I won't go into more right now. Please read the thread on help for newcomer LBH who has a WW.
P.S. Do not repeat anything I've said to your WW. You are obtaining the information (the tools) you need, and we can't relay everything in just a few posts. Give us some time, and don't make any big moves without checking here first. Men will do that when they read something new......but they don't have all the details yet. The result is him making a bigger mess of things. Okay?
Stay with us, and post every day.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm Here.......my situation is identical to yours and I am having the same struggles you are. Very hard to process.
jkr, I actually was reading through your thread the other day and related on a lot of the things you are experiencing.. If you ever need/want to talk let me know..
