Journaling: it looks like WH is going through some internal struggle. He is quiet, pensive and has long moments staring into the distance. I asked him how he is feeling, he said he feels "flat" and like he can't feel pleasure he previously used to feel doing enjoyable things. His concentration and focus are poor, his appetite is hit or miss. I told him he is depressed, he asked me to prescribe him something so I did. I think the fallout of his actions and resulting damage are starting to sink in, and it's crushing him.
I had lunch with him today at his job. Afterward we walked along the river and siaked up the warm rays and felt the breeze push against our face. He was a bit cheered afterward and kissed me goodbye. I just heard him pull up from his call, be back later.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Your husband is most probably into the phase of Depression/withdrawal of the MLC, they are entwined. He is starting to reflect on his past actions and how they impacted you and the kids, that's a tough period for them. Now it's a time for him to understand what led him to those acts, it might come to him all at once or one at a time.
Don't expect him to talk to you during that phase about what's going through his mind and if you try to push him, you won't get any answers and he might get "mad", shame/remorse/guilt are starting to hit him very hard. Another phase to get through, remember it's a journey.
Now to cheer you up a tiny bit, those waves of resentment will go down and you will notice you can have a few days in a row without any, so stay detached and GAL, the more you are engaged with others the better you will feel. It's important during that piecing journey to stay in touch with good friends and have fun, nothing is more uplifting than a good conversation/laugh with great people. Also I noticed the happier I am the more he wants to be with me, he is now joining me to some of my GAL activities without me asking him to do so. I think he is starting to realize that I can live and be happy without him and it scares him a tiny bit.
He needs to get through that phase by himself, that's excellent you prescribed him some AD, it might help him to get through it faster. My husband stayed in that phase for about 6 months, he is now in the stage 1 of acceptance, his crazy MLC personality is definitively gone. He is still not willing to talk about the past but when I talk about it, he doesn't get upset anymore. Also, he is becoming more and more attentive to my needs without me asking for anything, he wants me to be happy and with him... he started to complain that I don't spend enough time with him...wow one year ago, he was complaining that I was to clingy.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Thank you Sky, your advice is spot-on. I've started reading HEaling from Infidelity by MWD and honestly I am feeling a little discouraged. There are parts written for the unfaithful spouse and WH has made it clear he will not read any material. In the past I asked, then begged then demanded...all with various levels of failure.So it begs the question, can we piece if this affair remains the elephant in the room?
WH often asks me if I am ok, if I need anything. I have even written (in Dec '15) the list of what I needed to heal. While he is asking what I need I have made it clear in written terms, a few of the listed items was IC for each of us and MC for us. He went to MC but it resulted in disaster and the MC suggested divorce. Another was he was to read a book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" but then he followed up by reigniting the affair. Sigh. There have been moments where he tells me how sorry he was about the affair but this usually ended with an argument as he would be defensive when I expressed my hurt by telling all the ways I was not enough of a wife. Since our last fight in Jan where he said he was finding a lawyer....followed by his request of reconcilation we have not talked about the affair at all. So reading the book makes me feel bad because WH isn't going to read this book. He will tell me he will but then never get around to it. I've already suggested two books in the past which he promised to read and then didn't.
Last night we had to call an ambulance because D6 woke around 12:30 and couldn't breathe. Turns out 6 years can get croup, who would've guessed? I went with my daughter to the hospital and WH stayed home with the younger children. He was a wreck, pacing and asking if we needed anything. After a few breathing treatments and some oral steroids she was 100% better. We took an Uber home and WH took DD6 and I collapsed into bed. WH had to go to work today and took care of the guinea pigs and cat before going to work. He kissed me goodbye and told me to call if I needed anything.
I look at these actions and realize that WH is engaged in our marriage, he is more engaged than ever before. So why I am I struggling? Why do I still wonder if he truly loves me? Why do I worry it's a matter of time before he cheats again? I really wish he would consider the two day intensive with MWD so I could feel like he "gets it."
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sara, I'm glad to hear you're D is OK. My youngest D has asthma and it's the scariest thing to have a child not be able to breathe.
Why are you still struggling? You need to give yourself time to heal. Lots of time. Everyone is different. It took me years to "let it go". I don't want to discourage you, but I never felt loved again, or maybe trusted it is a better way of saying it, after the 1st affair and that was 16 years ago. Maybe there was a reason for that because I'm walking that same path again.
As for WH,he's feeling tremendous guilt and knows he can't ever take back the betrayal. My H explained it that way to me the 1st time. He said he knew the pain he caused and knew he couldn't fix it. There's no way to guarantee it won't happen again. I decided then that I would there was nothing I could do if he chose to cheat again. I could spend my days miserable thinking endlessly about it (which I did in the beginning) or I could try to move past it and hopefully into a better marriage. I hope you can eventually move past it. I hope you can make a success of your marriage.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
Your husband is in full depression/withdrawal phase, he is starting to realize what he did and it's hurting/torturing him, he is trying to show that he changed by his actions. Put more emphasize on those than on his words. He is not ready to have that talk that you desperately would like to happen. I went through that phase a few months ago, like you I wanted so badly some apologies, but when I asked for some he became defensive/touchy. I stopped but inside myself I was boiling, I even thought about filing for divorce just to stop that pain/anger/frustration I had inside myself.
Nowadays sincerely, I don't think about it every day, I am much more focused on his actions/behavior and how he reacts when we talk about the past, his touchiness is almost gone. We had a conversation about OWs last Friday night, I told him that I was hating them and de facto how I was disgusted by his past actions, he didn't protest or try to defend them as he used to do, he just said " I am here because I want to be here", not exactly the full apology I dreamed about a few months ago, but I will take it. It doesn't mean I am fully satisfied but that a big step in the right direction.
Try not to focus so much on the list you made, may be take a break from some reading and just enjoy to have him back and caring for you. Reading is very helpful but use that information more as general guidelines.
The elephant in the room will disappear little by little, trust me on that one, I really thought I was going to have to live with those obsessing thoughts forever, guess what, they are not in mind daily anymore and their intensity went down sharply. You accomplished a lot, you were able to make him rethink his mind about leaving you, he is now showing you that he cares, don't destroy all the progress you made because of the demons you have in your mind, I had the same, I used to talk daily to a friend and it helped to calm me down. Be patient, he won't get out of his phase before a few months but you will start noticing some changes little by little.
Put yourself in his shoes for a moment (I am not trying to excuse him by any mean), he is realizing that his quest for happiness almost destroyed his wife and family, he is now trying to understand what went wrong with him, he is also unsure (on the fence) if you "really" want him after everything he did and said. He might also be very skeptical that it might work down the line, mine thought it was not going to work and I was going to bring it back all the time, he was quite obsessed with that idea, somehow he had a very hard time believing I could accept him again. His mind is in full turmoil right now. He is not ready to talk about.
Men have a very hard time apologizing with words or at least in the way we would like it, praise him for his good deeds, make him "trust" you, most probably he might be fearful of your reactions in regard of his past actions so to avoid any conversation on that subject. That also why IC or MC might be very scary for him. Having an EA is something but having a PA and making plans of leaving your wife and children is something different.
My husband refused to read any book or to go to counseling too, I was a first quite angry/frustrated at him, because it was going against everything I read and I thought we won't be able to piece without them. So I decided to ask him to make some mandatory changes to his lifestyle and habits, he complied and also came up with a few of his own without me asking. It took me a while to accept his refusal, there is still moments I wish we could go to MC then I remind myself that I have never been so at peace/happy since a few years. I really don't know if our piecing will be successful down the line because MLC is a long journey but I am glad that replay is over...the worst years of my life.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Your husband is most probably into the phase of Depression/withdrawal of the MLC, they are entwined. He is starting to reflect on his past actions and how they impacted you and the kids, that's a tough period for them. Now it's a time for him to understand what led him to those acts, it might come to him all at once or one at a time.
Don't expect him to talk to you during that phase about what's going through his mind and if you try to push him, you won't get any answers and he might get "mad", shame/remorse/guilt are starting to hit him very hard. Another phase to get through, ...
... those waves of resentment will go down and you will notice you can have a few days in a row without any, ... ...
He needs to get through that phase by himself, that's excellent you prescribed him some AD, it might help him to get through it faster. My husband stayed in that phase for about 6 months, he is now in the stage 1 of acceptance, his crazy MLC personality is definitively gone. ...
skyhigh, can you elaborate on the "phases" that you are talking about? Where did you get this info? Or is this only in your experience with your H?
None of this applies to my H since we started piecing. I have not seen any definitive phases or stages. Or perhaps I have overlooked things? He came back remorseful and regretful, and while he was afraid it would never work, he said he would do everything to try. I would love to find more info on what you are referring to.
Sometimes we want to find similarities in our sitches, but perhaps that is what we want to see, and I often wonder if there are as many differences as there are similarities? I have no idea. That's why it would be nice to have more threads on piecing :-)
I know I should feel grateful, but at times I just feel resentful this ever happened. I don't think I could do this if he wasn't sorry :-(
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you Skyhigh, I read over the stages again and settled in for the long ride. WH was withdrawn tonight and mostly just puttered around the house. Then he went into the spare room and laid down. I finished getting the kids ready for bed and put them to sleep. Then I went into the spare room and asked WH if everything was ok. He mumbled, "I guess so." I sat next to his bed and asked if there was anything I could do? He simply stayed quiet. I told him, "You can talk to me if it would help." He said he just wanted to rest so I withdrew and took a shower. Afterward I went into the room and let him know I would be doing Taco Tuesday with my female friends tomorrow. He was silent for a long time then said, "Okay."
I was feeling mentally fatigued so I decided to try and call some friends but the calls went to voicemail, they are probably out GAL lol. I then went over my weekly goals, gym 3 times a week, get the tax papers sorted, and get the bug folks out to treat the new house. Sometimes I feel like waiting on WH to catch up is the most frustrating thing of all. He destroyed this marriage but I am still doing all the heavy lifting while trying to build a new one. I am so so so angry. I wasn't sure why my anger re-surged so intensely but then did the math and realized this was around the time the affair had resumed. I was driving to work this morning and gripping my steering wheel very hard. I was replaying his promises to work on our marriage all while he was re-initiating contact with the OW. It really makes me feel utterly stupid that I trusted his words. I was home tending to our children while completing my residency and he was in another state dating some cheap piece of trash. Dating. Is that even possible with a married man? But yet I have to walk on eggshells right now while he makes his way through this damn tunnel, eh? It's so unfair. Right now I feel like I either have to accept the cheater back on his terms or deal with only half of my children's lives as he has made it clear he would seek 50% custody. My states is VERY 50% so he wouldn't even have to fight.
I yearn for the husband that I first met. I yearn for his gentle, humble and kind ways. I used to love learning new things from him as he would gently and systematically go over the material. However now he first criticizes if I say something wrong and then sort of mentally hammers his point home. It makes me not want to talk to him or ask any questions. I know I am vulnerable for leaving this marriage right now so I make sure to avoid male companionship and I try to fill my time with warm, supportive friends. I stay in the moment when spending time with my kids and smell their sweet, child smell. I pray daily that my WH will return to being a H and not someone that I feel I can never trust again. I come here and vent because I can't elsewhere. I sit here in my pjs while my heart literally skips around (will be getting an ablation soon) and marvel that this man could literally break my heart and I am the one reading everything, watching the videos and pondering endlessly. I will NOT sabotage my work however, I keep my anger, frustration and resentment to myself for now. I will sort them later, if they ever need sorting. My hope is WH will get through this mess and be the remorseful husband I WANT.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Dating. Is that even possible with a married man? But yet I have to walk on eggshells right now while he makes his way through this damn tunnel, eh? It's so unfair. Right now I feel like I either have to accept the cheater back on his terms or deal with only half of my children's lives as he has made it clear he would seek 50% custody.
I totally understand this. Sometimes I can't believe the situation I'm in. My husband has a girlfriend. My husband has a partner he introduces to other people, as 'his partner'. But it's not me, his wife. It seems insane to me. It may be because our values make this situation seem unbelievable.
You can't do anything else but what you're doing, putting one foot in front of the other. You are fighting like a lioness for your family. Your WH doesn't deserve you one bit, so fight for your children, swallow that pain and take another step. You are doing everything you should be doing. Your reward will be this knowledge that you are doing everything humanely possible and I hope your children know one day how much you held it together for them.
