Walked away due to financial infidelity

[Origina]

Current situation is different from situation a few weeks ago.

So we've been in limbo for nearly two months now but thenlimbo sort of has a definition - this seems positive

I wrote this note to myself mid January to help me focus on potives rather than the negatives.,, it helped a bit I tried a starting a new post but it didn't upload

Things that are going well...
He's choosing to be here with me more than not approx 6 out of 7 day/nights (although he always wants to be here when I'm alone (my kids with their dad -approx 2 nights per week) which bothers me a bit
do I see it as just a positive but is this because he wants to make sure I'm only his I think (I'd never have an affair but when I thought we were totally over in December I arranged a fling with a sex buddy but didn't go through with it)

He's making plans with me off his own back- nights out, getting our kids together (we have 2 each not together from previous relationship), day trips together, nights away, possible mini break...

he's talking about our relationship and the problem that caused it mostly without falling out even to the point where he makes jokes about some of it

If we have a disagreement (I try not to of course) he says he'd rather have raised voices/arguments and be trying than no raised voices/ arguments and not trying

He's starting to tell more people (family and work colleagues who know about the split) about more and more times he's spending with me

He texts me everyday (always first) and always asking something so I have to respond

He texts me more than once a day

He phones me and he phones me when previously (during bad times) he might have text for easiest

He wants to be physically close, touching, kissing, stroking, sitting on sofa together and out in public (although we haven't seen anyone from his family while we're being affectionate)

He stares at me sometimes (he used to do this while we were dating) a bit like not passing wind (he's awful for passing wind - seems to be at it constantly- but he's been holding it in (thankfully) just like the first few months of dating....)

Sex has always been great and plentiful but he's going the extra mile lately to make sure foreplay is on top form (tmi??)

He wants me to sleep on his chest when we go to bed (like usual) and during the night when I turn over he either turns with me or rests his hand on my hip

He tells me (and texts me) that he loves me without anything/ pressure / prompts from me


Since I wrote that though we had a bad disagreement which sent us running from each other because "it's too hard" and calling it off one Sunday morning but by Sunday night and lots and lots of texts and him phoning me we were back on track
sad thing about this is that we had a misunderstanding over a word (a powerful word) he panicked and I retaliated and we argued.

The word was relationship

A good friend asked how I'd describe myself - single or In a relationship
I've always told him just about everything - we've had that type of talky relationship (which is why I don't understand my financial infidelity too)
And when he asked who text me I told him and what she'd said

This is a Text from him after I said I'll text you in two weeks with news if the money payment I need to make
End of my text
. I won't text again til 6th Feb unless money orientated
Goodbye

His reply
Goodbye, I will miss you!!!
I Just can't believe what's happened, until I can I'll be f@@cked up.

His next text

Stop going on about texting, 1 or 100 texts a day ain't gonna make any difference.
I can't be in a relationship with you while I'm owed money and my heads in bits, so do I try? we are together
Or we see each other till august then see what's what,
No either because I will be accused of using you for the money if I still feel betrayed lied and hurt.
So I'm no stronger than you, I'm fed up of being hurt and being accused of living a lie just for the money.
its upsetting you it kills me thinking am I gonna feel any better towards us, then I'm thinking if it isn't,"[censored]"your gonna be upset and disgusted in me.
Time will tell. How we spend that time getting to the end of it all you tell me cos my head is feeling like a HGV reversing back and forth over it!!!!!!
If it doesn't make sense, I'm tired physically and mentally.

I felt like this was quite an honest text from him

My reply
Some doesn't make sense but I'm f@cked up too however rather discuss than ignore


I think a problem we have is how we define relationships

You seem to see a relationship as that perfect thing and everything is ok and basically how we were before all this happened

And I define seeing me twice a week for beer and a f@ck as being friends with benefits not "trying" anything other than filling in time

I had a relationship with Chubby- a neighbourly one
I have a relationship with Clark- an ex husband got to be polite for kids relationship

We have a relationship - our own type.
It's not perfect.
But at the moment it's us.
Is that fair to say to each other?

If we're not 'together' then we're single. I have issue with that. I don't want to see anyone else. If I'm doing anything with you then I don't want you to see or plan to see anyone else either.


You don't want accusing of being here for just money and I don't want to be made to feel like that.
It hurts.
So let's not do that.
That's where communication comes in.

I want to make you feel better not hurt - but not sure how on a daily/ weekly basis???

As far as I see what you're saying there's two options

Nothing or what we were doing with less pressure

Im trying to make amends regarding the money. I know it's hard on you. And I am sorry.
However, i don't want to be friends with benefits. I'm really not sure if that's all youre offering til August?

His reply
It's complicated I don't want it to come across wrong way so can I come up tomorrow after school
For an hour. let em play for abit (our kids/ step kids) and we will talk in a friendly manner to each other.
I plan on sleeping from 8 tonight so hopefully mind and body be more with it.

My reply
I know it's hard and complicated and loads of trouble with texts

Then he phoned me for about 45 mins

We agreed that at the moment we don't know we have a problem until we disagree and because we're so hurt we turn into an argument

We sort of laughed hat we fell out over a word but we sorted it and it feels better

(It was also a very bad weekend as I returned one of the pups to the breeder and we were both devastated plus his ex wife went on a two week holiday and he was mega stressed with work- plus we've both been ill with cold/ chest infections for two weeks by then)

So we're in a relationship- our relationship.
He's even used the word a few times


I've digressed from the current situation but but I'll start a new post

[Origina]

Right now we're "together"
unfortunately this is mostly in my world and not so much in his
he's said he's embarrassed to speak openly about it because it looks really bad what's happened between us and people wouldn't understand
This hurts but there doesn't seem much I can do about it
I really don't know what to do about it
I can't ask him to tell people but I have said that continuing a lie makes it worse (from bitter experience about my financial infidelity) and eventually you get caught out.
He says if he gets asked who he's going to do so and so with he skirts around it and doesn't say .whichbus an improvement on lying blatantly that it's me.



His work colleagues don't know he's "trying to sort things out with me" as he puts it
His mum knows he spends time and some nights with me (and also the kids see each other) but not how much time
His dad is the same but he went on a day out with his dad for sport and beer and he told his dad pretty much how he feels about me (he respects his dad's opinion but his dad will tell his mum)
Some of the things he's said (he repeated it back to me) is that if he doesn't try to work things out with me then he has lost on two counts
He said he feels hurt over the money/loan and he'll hurt because he's losing his best friend, his wife (we'd have been married 5 months now), his lover, his ...etc etc
He's said that to me too
His sister and brother in law don't know
Last month his sister left her husband (again- 3rd time in a year) and for the second time rented a house and within a week had called it all off
(My partners mum and dad have been married 40 years)

[Origina]

Now his ex wife is back off hol we are back to 'normal' routines

He stays with me most nights and has the odd night at his. It's usually around kids. Eg sun and weds he has his kids and rather than them sleeping in make up beds here he'll have his 'night off' then. But on a fri he can sleep here with them as it's not school that day after

He says he uses his night off to think and chill but mostly to sleep.

He says he knows we do it through choice but we always end up going to bed last than planned because we like massages and they always lead to sex. And so going to bed at 930 usually means sleep at 12.

We have always had lots of great sex and that's a pretty normal occurrence

I have tried laying off/ withholding from having sex in case it's muddying the waters but it doesn't seem normal and he gets very very frustrated and grumpy - even if he's just Called up to drop something off and we get a bit busy in the kitchen he is worse than an octopus and we soon get in positions that's very hard to get out of. It sounds pathetic but I'm not talking about I manni just met- he knows me intimately and I him- so it feels very natural to kiss and get carried away. And I'll admit I love the attention from him. But it's hard to stop once started.
He's offered previously to stop sex in case I think its all he comes up for but I know it's not (it's just an added benefit that is really really good)
We like being intimate.

If I want him to text me more than usual if I wihold sex, or let us get a bit carried away then stop- he texts me wanting to discuss what we've done (sexting I suppose it's called) and a naughty part of me wants to do it tonight as he's going out tomorrow with work. And I want him to have that desire burning in the back of his head.
I think I'm trying to use sex as a weapon is because I'm scared he'll stay out and not come home like he did with the works xmas dos in Dec last year. Where he's going he has to catch the last train home at about 11pm I guess the others will stay out til aboytnone and get a taxi home becaus ehey live local. The taxi fair home is extortionate to our house. So he's planning on leaving his car here, I'll drop him at train station- he'll go out and get last train home and I collect him from train station.
He says he wants to prove to me that I can trust him to come home.
I'm scared he won't.
He wasn't allowed out much in his previous marriage and when he does go out he acts like it's his last ever night out! If he's having fun he just can say no to another drink.
I don't want to offer to collect him from the city because I would and I have done in he past and done this lots. I want him to want to come home.

[Origina]

So a normal week- we've not had one yet but this is the general plan...

Monday - comes up to mine after work and gym- eat, watch tv, bed
Tuesday- same
Weds- he has a "night off" we've discussed calling up so all kids can see each other cos once a fortnight hill have my kids on a weds.
Thursday- mine
Fri- up at mine with his kids
Sat- out night out together
Sun- he has a "night off" we've discussed calling up so all kids can see each other cos once a fortnight hill have my kids on a Sunday.

What happens during the days of the weekend varies as he is on call rita for work

[Origina]

There's lots of positives
We went on that night away to another city - that was good

We've had lots of good nights together

He's booked a hotel and concert tickets for the end of April for us
(When we first met back in Aug 2012 he booked concert tickets a few week later for the following June 2013- it was very romantic at the time saying he would go with me regardless if we were together (cos we'd only known each other a few weeks) This time he said he's put my name on the hotel booking but also that he could sell the hotel and tickets for 4x their face value! I reminded him of how romantic the original time was and we laughed but it still hurt

[Origina]

When we're together he's here with me if you get me.

Like tonight- he's planning on coming up as soon as soon as possible asfter work and walking our dogs. Getting a takeaway and sharing a bottle of wine.


So on a day to day basis things are good

Last night I actually asked for a night off -first time ever- part of it was because I knew he was planning on saying he'd had a busy day at work and was tired and would stay at his rental. (The work and tired was true)
He knew I was going to the docs so he asked how I was but she wouldn't give me any antibiotics just a spray and he offered to drop me some pills up at mine.
He came up but was every unsettled. That made me unsettled (I need to learn to control this)
And he offered to phone me tonjgthtno say goodnight.

An hour later he phoned and asked if I was ok and said because of how unsettled we were he'd come up and stay tonight. But I said I'm ok. I said I thought he was worried I'd try convincing him to stay but I'd actually got a night planned out with my daughters. So he stayed at his. The discussions was a bit therapeutic again.

Later he phoned we said goodnight and we agreed that unless one of us is cross over something when ever we met at the door we kiss hello as normal so no mixed message sir confusion. Because he said he knew he was just calling up and because he's never been in a relationship like this before he didn't know how to act. (Part of me knows this is also him not wanting me to convince him to stay the night when he wanted a night away but anyway) it seemed good

[Origina]

my confession time

I never told you about something he did after a works do that has a major impact on us because I just felt like I caused the initial problem so focus on that...

In dec when we'd said we were over but together for the kids til after new year and he'd already got his rental it was one of his works do
A hotel was booked for everyone attending by work
He text at midnight to say he was ok and I never heard anything else from him until the morning

Anyway he slept in the hotel room of his 21 year old admin assistant - she works in an office 15 miles form his office but th admin are still part of the team and were invited out

I didn't find out until I spied on his works mobile phone- he'd deleted emails between them but I found them in his sent box

They were laughing about it and she was worried who knew
He said the amount of hassle he'd got off people at work for not sleeping with her he says he wishes he just taken advantage of her

So that and knowing him I truly don't believe he slept with her

He's always said he'd never have a relationship with a woman at work because he wants to go to work for work then come home

He also says that phrase if he's ever fed up- well I wish I'd just done so and so


He only confessed when I told him I'd seen the emails but even when we thought we were definitely over he still maintained the not slept with her not even in the bed on the sofa both fully clothed he just fell asleep after drinking
My gripe was that he'd took four cans of lager back to her room at 3am because the hotel bar had closed
She's attractive and fun but young enough to be his daughter
he says she's like a bloke drinks lager like a bloke and is covered in tattoos

Then a week later on another works do he promised me that no matter what was happening he would come home
I got a text at 11pm saying the Irish manager wanted to stop out so he's sleepjng in his room and he did and that's when I kicked him out of our home


We've discussed this a few times since we've been trying although I'm now making a concerted effort not to discuss it

He asked me weeks ago if I'd not committee financial infidelity do I thjnk he'd have still done it?
I said no.
I know he wouldn't have

So
I've said to him I don't want a relationship where I can't trust him to have a night out
So I'm not going to stop him
But
He off tomorrow on a managers only (supposedly) treat for doing well meal
He says we need this night so that he can prove to me he can have fun and still come home

Howeve rnext week a man who works out of the admin office is leaving - another time my partner would go- but he's changed his on call shift so he works that night and is not out at the do

He just came and told me that and said ALL the admin would go out so he doesn't want to put us in that position
I said I really appreciated it but don't want him to resent me for it

So when we talk actions rather than words that a big action for us isn't it

I just hope he gets on that last train home tomorrow

[Origina]

Unfortunately I've learnt to trust him by spying on his phone and whereabouts

I'm not proud of myself

I know his locations by find my phone app

And I know his texts and web searches and calls by a spy app

I know his Facebook and messenger log in

It's not good

But I have found a trust in him that wouldn't have come about without it

He's just about done everything he's said he's going to do and where he said he would be

He's repeated conversations to me that I know he's had with friends or his mum etc

The insecurity over the 21 yr old admin would have eaten me alive and we'd have definitely split up
So not good spying but it's helped me no end

I need to step away from it a bit now so I don't feel reliant on it

[Origina]

It's the treading water I hate

I offered him a break after the Sunday we fell out

I said I'd read stuff to try and help out situation because I was out of my own ideas (I know I nearly broke the don't talk about fight (db) club)
And breaks are recommended to help clear your head, say two weeks minimum or a months or 3 months
He didn't like the idea but asked He asked if we were single during this time
I said yes
He asked for clarification
So I said properly single, we can even date if we want etc
He said well I'll just continue doing what I'm doing and not date
Then he got all tetchy and said what we supposed to do at the end of the period say we missed each other and get on with it? He continued quite crossly and said you won't have been kissing me while someone else was laid on top of you
So I cut off his rant and said look if we go that far and start having sex with other people then it's a no - we've done and moved on
He agreed about that
He doesn't want to do the break thing
I was only going to do t to force a change out of him- hoping he'd miss me so much he'd move back in with me but u know he won't do that no matter what until he's ready
I'm not sure it's for us - we're past that stage of not wanting to be together - he does want to be with me and freely says he loves me
Plans need to be made about how to build trust and keep close to build together again until he feels ready to move in with me again
I wish I could get access to my savings befor August then we could work on us rather than him wondering if he feel differently when the money's paid off the loan

[Origina]

Any thoughts on these targets?

I want him to feel relaxed here so he wants to be here more and more
Actions
1.stop questioning his moves and motives (i.e. Do you really need to take both phones upstairs with you)
2. Dont mentions the relationship issues every night- I've previously mentioned 'booking' in time to discuss it- this hasn't happened yet- any suggestions??
3.focus on his needs rather than mine (I still feel hurt) so instead of I feel ... ask how he feels???
4. Don't ask questions that force a response - i.e. Do you love me? Or statements such as I missed you
5. Keep work discussions about work not investigations into his interactions with 21 year old admin
6. Carry on as i normally would (the good bits) don't suddenly become a slave