I've been reading the site for a while now and figured I'd join and share my story. My wife and I are both 33, no kids, have a dog we both love. We’ve been together over 14 years and married almost 8. Things between us were pretty good, though we did need to improve communication on bigger issues, like things we wanted out of life, etc. Otherwise, communication was fine. We’d talk about our days, make plans for things to do, laugh together, text during the work days. It just felt like there was this imaginary wall that kept us from really moving further together. She is incredibly defensive at the slightest hint of criticism and flips everything on me. When I’ve tried to discuss things in the past, it always got shifted to be all my fault. So I kind of went on auto-pilot, like her. I knew it couldn’t work that way forever but I resigned myself to having to wait for her to check in and want to discuss things.
It got to be the middle of November 2016 and I could sense a change in her attitude. I had to ask repeatedly before she finally admitted that she was feeling depressed. She said she didn’t want to wake up and be 40 and have not had kids or travelled. That she had nothing to look forward to. She asked me if I had goals in life, things I wanted. I struggled to find the words and the courage to say them before she gave up. Still, I started to treat her extra nice and give lots of encouragement and affection. She responded well to it. Things felt like they were moving in the right direction. The weekend of 12/3 was really good. We cleaned the carpet in our house, talking and laughing throughout doing it. We had music playing and she spent time looking for a new song she wanted me to hear. She came to me and excitedly showed me an alert on her phone about a free agent signing our local sports team had made, knowing I’d be excited to see it. We went out to eat at the restaurant she chose that night and had a great time. The next day my extended family was having an early Christmas party. We coincidentally dressed in matching clothes and she jokingly asked if I was upset. I said, “Not at all, you look very pretty” and pulled her in for a hug she warmly returned.
Over the course of the following week her attitude took a nosedive. On Friday 12/9 she came home from her 3rd after work happy hour and barely said a word. I left it alone. We normally go out to eat every weekend so I just ordered pizza. Not much was said between us that night. The next morning, 12/10, she was still in a terrible mood. So I had to ask repeatedly what was wrong before she finally let loose on 4 hours of tearing me down in every way possible. She said I was too negative and too critical. She complained about not travelling, not having kids and not having enough affection, assigning all of the fault for those things on me. It even came down to really petty stuff, like how I cooked us breakfast for dinner every Monday, which apparently was boring to her. She complained about how we always went to the numerous restaurants near our house and not nicer ones more in town. She complained about how I sent her flowers on Valentine’s Day to her office but didn’t include a card. She complained about me doing my own home repairs because “we have the money and it isn’t worth the aggravation.” She complained about maintaining the garden we started together and putting up Christmas lights every year, like it was tortuous for her. This was the first time any of this had ever been said and she always acted like she enjoyed and appreciated these things.
I didn’t know what to do or say. This all came out of nowhere. On the one hand, I felt encouraged because she was finally acknowledging things and I felt like I had something to work with, that she was meeting me halfway. On the other hand, there was something about her demeanor that was very cold. I said I could be better and that we just need to improve our communication. I said how I wanted kids and I wanted to travel more. She said she wasn’t sure she even wanted any of those things with me anymore. We finished talking and she went to the grocery store, where she still purchased items for me.
We talked a bit more the next day but it was more of the same. At one point I was trying to get her to come over to me while we were talking because she was walking around doing various things. She said, “No, you’re just going to try to hug me.” Something just wasn’t adding up. This wasn’t her to just give up on me, give up on us. So that evening, as she was packing for a work trip she was going on the next day to another city in our state, I asked something I never thought I’d have to ask: if she was seeing someone else. She denied it at first but then got suddenly very angry and started saying things like “I’ve already told you everything you need to know” and “it’s a separate issue”, pretty much confirming it. She still wouldn’t say much, though. Eventually the conversation shifted into the bedroom where she crawled onto the bed and laid face down in shame and finally gave some answers in a timid voice.
She said they “just met, it wasn’t like it was on a dating website or anything”. She said they had been acquaintances. She said they had been to lunches. She said they hadn’t slept together. I asked her if this guy even knew what was going on or if it was just one-sided, in her own head. She said, “I don’t know.” She still refused to answer some things, like how exactly they met, who it was, if it was someone from work. She said telling me any more would just hurt me. I told her I never thought in a million years she’d be capable of doing something like that. She said in near tears, “I know, me neither.”
The next morning she was up early at the same time as me so she could catch her flight. I told her I was leaving and to be careful. She got a sorrowful look on her face and came over and hugged me while saying “I don’t mean to hurt you.” I left to go to work.
2 days later I reached out via text. I put the OM on the backburner because she made it sound pretty insignificant and this is the most moral, level headed woman I’ve ever known and I always trusted her unconditionally. I told her I missed her. She responded very coldly and with few words. Told me she didn’t miss me, that she didn’t think she ever did in the past on work trips. That she just missed her bed and the dog. I know that isn’t true. She said she just wanted some alone time and needed to figure out who she is. I told her I need to tell her how I felt and pasted in a letter I had written the previous 2 days. Heartfelt, emotional, sharing exactly how I felt about things, laying out a roadmap for us to improve the relationship. She didn’t respond. 3 hours later I asked if she was going to say anything and she simply said, “I can’t.”
I left the house Thursday when she was coming back from her trip to give her the alone time she was wanting. I didn’t hear from her. I tried calling her on Saturday and she declined my calls before finally texting me. She was offended I left without telling her. It turns out this was BS because I found out she was telling friends how happy she was I was gone and enjoying her freedom. She was still saying she wanted more alone time and that she put herself 2nd for so long that she needs to figure out what she wants. I told her if she thought alone time meant seeing someone else that she needed to tell me because the relationship wasn’t going to work. She said, “Being alone just means being alone.” I went no contact for the next 6 days before I went back home. She was completely mean and hateful as soon as I walked in the door. We talked for a couple of hours and everything she said was so spiteful, like I was an enemy. She told me I needed to get more stuff and leave. I calmly told her I wasn’t leaving, that if she decided she didn’t want to be with me, she could leave. She said she didn’t have anywhere to go so if I stayed I wasn’t going to like it. That she wasn’t going to speak to me, buy anything for me, or tell me where she was going or who she was with. I didn’t know who this person was.
I did kick her out of the MBR and into the guest bedroom, which she was irate over. I told her that was our marital bed and if she didn’t want to be married then she could sleep elsewhere. We didn’t speak much, the tension was very thick. It was during this time I started to analyze and investigate more. I was able to find out who the OM was. A guy from work. In the city she had just gone on her work trip to. She had even told me about this guy previously. I remembered the restaurant we were at when she told me because the story was so bizarre. It was on 9/29. She told me how he had attempted suicide by shooting himself in the head but had survived. This was a guy she’d interacted with some in the past because of her job and she said he was always so happy and positive. A couple weeks later she talked about having to call him to discuss some issues related to him being on medical leave and how he was still so happy and positive. This was around the middle of October.
So now I knew who it was. It turns out he had been in a rehab facility in my city for a bit. So that’s how she was meeting him for lunch. My W is very standoffish but doesn’t have strong boundaries. I suspect this guy is just a talker and thought he had a sympathetic ear and kept calling her and she was too polite to not answer the calls or texts. They have work-issued iPhones and she kept the communication there so I didn’t see it on our joint cell phone account. I’d use her work phone occasionally for things and it suddenly had a password on it when it never did before. So I think she eventually started sharing her own stories and the EA developed from there. PA is all but confirmed during her work trip but I didn’t find out until much later, thinking at worst they met for lunch because this is still my devoted wife who always prided herself on her self-respect and values. This guy is married and has 2 kids. I learned he has drug and alcohol problems and has done almost nothing but lie to her and be untrustworthy, yet she was still smitten. She agonized over all the lying he did to her while she lied to me constantly.
I would try talking to her at times over the next week. She was cold but maintained she didn’t want to file for divorce. Christmas was spent apart with our respective families. I’d gathered by then that she was telling her family and friends that she was abused and painting me as an awful person. She’s always been the type to deny any responsibility for anything and blameshift, a constant problem throughout our relationship. I think she gets to a point where she even starts to believe her own lies and revised history. Here it was again, being played out on a grand scale.
On 12/29 I came home from work and initiated a serious discussion. She finally seemed a little open, a little empathetic. She even shared some details about her day. She offered to make me dinner while we talked. I shared with her some leftover Christmas dessert I had brought home. It seemed like small steps in the right direction, though she did mention she was planning on spending a few days away over New Years weekend. Eventually, I went to the MBR to go to bed. Something urged me to check her nightstand, where we kept condoms. I opened the drawer and 2 boxes and a vibrator were missing. A bag of lingerie kept in the closet had been rummaged through. I had taken photos of each previously to see if anything changed. My brain still tried to rationalize it somehow. The OM was in a different city. This was my rational, devoted wife. I went to bed confused.
The next day, as expected, she was gone before I came home early from work. Various other things in the house were taken, too. Gift cards we had collected, house and car titles, other stuff. I came upon some more information that confirmed she was with OM. Took our own condoms to go meet him in a hotel over New Years weekend. Couldn’t even hide her tracks enough to go buy some at the store. This was particularly hurtful because she’s always been LD, all 14 years together. It’s something I’ve had to deal with, has led to some resentment, and yet I never considered cheating. Then suddenly she is lying to me, friends and family in order to go meet this scumbag at a hotel. Later that night she texted me “Going to be gone for a couple days”. I wasn’t going to respond at first but decided she should know that I knew what she was doing. So I said, “2 boxes of condoms should keep you gone longer than that.” No reply.
She came home on New Years day and tried to walk in nonchalant like nothing was going on. I immediately told her to pack her things and leave. She instantly got angry and said she wasn’t going anywhere. I asked her what she did with the condoms. She sarcastically said, “I donated them, fine, OK. Is that what you want to hear?” She went into the guest bedroom and got in bed, said she was taking a nap. Pulled the covers over her face to not see me. Ignored most of what I said except for a few “I don’t know what you’re talking about” comments. I texted my mom to call her mom and tell her about the affair in an effort to get her out of the house. Her mom started angrily telling my mom about emotional abuse, citing an example of me turning the TV on in the MBR and it caused my W to not be able to sleep. Her mom has her own issues and doesn’t really process anything, just takes everything at face value. So she bought into the whole emotional abuse thing completely and even thought that was an example of it. My mom finally got a word in and told her about the OM. Her mom said, “Oh. Well I didn’t know that.” She called my W and she angrily left the house.
About 2 hours later my W, her mom and her stepfather showed up at the house to pack her stuff. My W and MIL were beyond pissed. MIL was cussing and agitating things. I heard them in the MBR, my W pointing out the nightstand drawer of condoms saying she should take some more, that’d really piss me off. Her mom laughed. W was saying something like, “See, look how many are in here”. It was clear my W had convinced her she actually did donate the condoms and was making a point to show how many boxes we had as proof for why she donated some.
She came back to the house a week later to get some things. She was beyond angry that I kicked her out and filed for divorce. She said things that implied the marriage was only ending because I did those things, as if I just randomly decided to do that and everything she had said and done never even happened. Again, all my fault. When asked about the condoms, she again said she donated them. This time she said it genuinely. She had convinced herself that was a plausible explanation. I asked if that’s what she told her mom, she said “Yep” and almost sounded proud of herself. I said she might believe that but I don’t. She said she didn’t answer my text about the condoms because I wouldn’t have believed her explanation so there wasn’t any point. I brought up her affair and she was quick to say “I never said I had an affair”. I mentioned our conversation in December where she admitted she was seeing someone else. She said, “I don’t recall saying I had an affair, I’d remember that.” I can’t tell if she was playing semantics or flat out lying. Her whole tone was angry just as it had been since she got back from her work trip. As if it was me who had an affair.
We texted back and forth a bit a week or so later. Randomly she dropped a “If I tell you to stop and you don’t, that’s emotional abuse”. It didn’t mesh with the conversation at all and was the first time she brought up emotional abuse to me. It felt completely like her dropping a breadcrumb of evidence to show her lawyer. The last thing she said to me was, “We both know you’re going to make me the bad guy so what’s the point”.
Current sitch is I’ve gone NC since then and she hasn’t been by the house or called or texted, not even to see or ask about the dog. She’s filed a counterpetition for divorce assigning fault in the breakup of the marriage on me. Even with her having an affair and that clearly being the motivator for her drastic changes, she’s going to go down swinging by trying to blame me for everything. I’m in IC and have been to a support group. I’m on anti-depressants. I haven’t slept more than 5 hours in almost 2 months. I still love her. Trust and faithfulness are big deals for me and she’s violated them completely. I despise the current version of her but I miss the one I knew for 14 years tremendously. I can’t understand how she can shut her emotions off and cast me aside so easily. All over ~6 weeks of BS being fed to her. I’ve reached out several times to her during all of this and I’m not even the guilty person. I’m just very confused and conflicted.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal.
Rewriting history isn't uncommon. It is all part of the justification of the WAW's actions.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Sorry you are here. There's a lot in your post to chew on and I'm no vet, but here are some thoughts/questions:
1. "It just felt like there was this imaginary wall that kept us from really moving further together" So it sounds like you guys didn't discuss the big things in life and you didn't argue well...so to keep the peace, you avoided conflict?
2. "It got to be the middle of November 2016 and I could sense a change in her attitude. I had to ask repeatedly before she finally admitted that she was feeling depressed. She said she didn’t want to wake up and be 40 and have not had kids or travelled. That she had nothing to look forward to. She asked me if I had goals in life, things I wanted. I struggled to find the words and the courage to say them before she gave up." These are typical mid-life questions (not necessarily MLC)...the fact that she was asking you is a good sign (but probably just the tip of the iceberg in terms of her true questions/thoughts feelings)...why did you struggle to answer them? She was trying to emotionally connect with you...and it didn't work.
3. "Still, I started to treat her extra nice and give lots of encouragement and affection. She responded well to it. Things felt like they were moving in the right direction." Not sure if you have read the 5LL book, but it sounds like you were trying to connect with her through acts of service...and she is trying to connect with you through quantity and quality time/conversation...
4. "Over the course of the following week her attitude took a nosedive. On Friday 12/9 she came home from her 3rd after work happy hour and barely said a word." It sounds like you think something happened at the work party? OM/EA/PA?
5. "So I had to ask repeatedly what was wrong before she finally let loose on 4 hours of tearing me down in every way possible." This dump sounds like my W...which happens when a person bottles up their negative feelings for years in the hope of avoiding conflict in the R (see #1 above).
6. "I said I could be better and that we just need to improve our communication." Sorry, this is way more than just about communication...but think you know that...
7. "I said how I wanted kids and I wanted to travel more." Bingo! You started opening up about the big things in life, what you want, what you envisioned, this is what she was asking you about before (see #2).
8. "She said she wasn’t sure she even wanted any of those things with me anymore. We finished talking and she went to the grocery store, where she still purchased items for me." So when she wanted to discuss...you couldn't...and now you are opening up...and she is closing up?
9. "We talked a bit more the next day but it was more of the same. At one point I was trying to get her to come over to me while we were talking because she was walking around doing various things. She said, “No, you’re just going to try to hug me.”" What's the dynamic in your physical/sexual relationship? Are you touchy? Is she?
10. "I asked something I never thought I’d have to ask: if she was seeing someone else." Sorry, dude. So many of us here have had these conversations with our spouses, but every one is heartbreaking.
11. "She got a sorrowful look on her face and came over and hugged me while saying “I don’t mean to hurt you.” I left to go to work." Okay, she doesn't mean it...but she's going to anyway?
12. "Told me she didn’t miss me, that she didn’t think she ever did in the past on work trips. That she just missed her bed and the dog. I know that isn’t true." This is called rewriting history.
13. "I told her I need to tell her how I felt and pasted in a letter I had written the previous 2 days." Sorry about your letter/confession (think most of us here have tried some version of them)...but with the OM in her head and heart...she can't respond to you...
14. "It turns out this was BS because I found out she was telling friends how happy she was I was gone and enjoying her freedom." Sadly, lying comes so easily...
15. "I calmly told her I wasn’t leaving, that if she decided she didn’t want to be with me, she could leave." Good for you!
16. "She said she didn’t have anywhere to go so if I stayed I wasn’t going to like it. That she wasn’t going to speak to me, buy anything for me, or tell me where she was going or who she was with. I didn’t know who this person was." Sorry, this is not the woman you married.
17. "I did kick her out of the MBR and into the guest bedroom, which she was irate over. I told her that was our marital bed and if she didn’t want to be married then she could sleep elsewhere." Again, good for you!
18. "We didn’t speak much, the tension was very thick. It was during this time I started to analyze and investigate more. I was able to find out who the OM was." I have previously noted that the affair partners are quite a cast of characters...but a married with kids, drug/alcohol addict who tried to shoot himself...wow, what a catch!
19. "I would try talking to her at times over the next week. She was cold but maintained she didn’t want to file for divorce." Do not initiate R talks.
20. "Christmas was spent apart with our respective families. I’d gathered by then that she was telling her family and friends that she was abused and painting me as an awful person." Yes, perhaps some lies and blameshifting...but you also have to take ownership for your own contribution to the failed M...
21. "On 12/29 I came home from work and initiated a serious discussion. She finally seemed a little open, a little empathetic." Their moods swing wildly...from hot...to cold..try not to read too much into these swings.
22. "Eventually, I went to the MBR to go to bed. Something urged me to check her nightstand, where we kept condoms. I opened the drawer and 2 boxes and a vibrator were missing." Doesn't sound like you were confused...but in denial...
23. ""So I said, “2 boxes of condoms should keep you gone longer than that.” No reply." LOL
Gotta run...but will complete later...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thanks for responding.. I'll answer your questions below.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
1. "It just felt like there was this imaginary wall that kept us from really moving further together" So it sounds like you guys didn't discuss the big things in life and you didn't argue well...so to keep the peace, you avoided conflict?
Pretty much. The fault for anything in an argument always ended up on me so it never really went anywhere or would get resolved in my mind.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
2. "It got to be the middle of November 2016 and I could sense a change in her attitude. I had to ask repeatedly before she finally admitted that she was feeling depressed. She said she didn’t want to wake up and be 40 and have not had kids or travelled. That she had nothing to look forward to. She asked me if I had goals in life, things I wanted. I struggled to find the words and the courage to say them before she gave up." These are typical mid-life questions (not necessarily MLC)...the fact that she was asking you is a good sign (but probably just the tip of the iceberg in terms of her true questions/thoughts feelings)...why did you struggle to answer them? She was trying to emotionally connect with you...and it didn't work.
Yes, I wish I opened up then definitely. I was trying to collect my thoughts before she walked away and things kinda calmed down. Part of my hesitation that I didn't get into was I had seen texts with a work friend of hers where all they did was badmouth their husbands. So I wasn't really in the sharing mood.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
3. "Still, I started to treat her extra nice and give lots of encouragement and affection. She responded well to it. Things felt like they were moving in the right direction." Not sure if you have read the 5LL book, but it sounds like you were trying to connect with her through acts of service...and she is trying to connect with you through quantity and quality time/conversation....
I wish we had read it, I think it could have helped. I think I was giving her what she wanted but at that point she was already in too deep with OM.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
4. "Over the course of the following week her attitude took a nosedive. On Friday 12/9 she came home from her 3rd after work happy hour and barely said a word." It sounds like you think something happened at the work party? OM/EA/PA?
No, OM was already back in his town and I don't think ever attended any of the happy hours. It was just with her work friend who was a really bad influence on her, and sometimes others from work as well.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
5. "So I had to ask repeatedly what was wrong before she finally let loose on 4 hours of tearing me down in every way possible." This dump sounds like my W...which happens when a person bottles up their negative feelings for years in the hope of avoiding conflict in the R (see #1 above).
Some of it, sure, but a lot of it was ridiculously petty and is clear now was just her looking for ways to justify what she was doing.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
6. "I said I could be better and that we just need to improve our communication." Sorry, this is way more than just about communication...but think you know that...
In hindsight, yes.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
7. "I said how I wanted kids and I wanted to travel more." Bingo! You started opening up about the big things in life, what you want, what you envisioned, this is what she was asking you about before (see #2).
Yes, but unfortunately she was only using those things as an excuse to get out without admitting about the OM.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
8. "She said she wasn’t sure she even wanted any of those things with me anymore. We finished talking and she went to the grocery store, where she still purchased items for me." So when she wanted to discuss...you couldn't...and now you are opening up...and she is closing up?
By this point she didn't want to hear it, she was fully immersed in OM.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
9. "We talked a bit more the next day but it was more of the same. At one point I was trying to get her to come over to me while we were talking because she was walking around doing various things. She said, “No, you’re just going to try to hug me.”" What's the dynamic in your physical/sexual relationship? Are you touchy? Is she?
I'd say we both are. I'd often grab her for a hug for no reason if we just passed by in the kitchen or something, or give her a light spank on the butt. I'd kiss her on the head if I walked behind the couch while she sat. She'd come up and hug me from behind all the time, we'd cuddle on the couch. Her resistance to a hug I wasn't even trying to give was very unusual.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
11. "She got a sorrowful look on her face and came over and hugged me while saying “I don’t mean to hurt you.” I left to go to work." Okay, she doesn't mean it...but she's going to anyway?
No idea. I think she just felt guilty but had already written me off.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
12. "Told me she didn’t miss me, that she didn’t think she ever did in the past on work trips. That she just missed her bed and the dog. I know that isn’t true." This is called rewriting history.
Definitely, something she started doing tons of.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
13. "I told her I need to tell her how I felt and pasted in a letter I had written the previous 2 days." Sorry about your letter/confession (think most of us here have tried some version of them)...but with the OM in her head and heart...she can't respond to you...
Yes.. I just didn't know how far along it was with the OM at the time. Sickening now to think she was probably with him when I sent that. Probably showed him and mocked me.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
15. "I calmly told her I wasn’t leaving, that if she decided she didn’t want to be with me, she could leave." Good for you!
Yes, I'm glad I made that line in the sand and that it seems to be the recommended course of action.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
18. "We didn’t speak much, the tension was very thick. It was during this time I started to analyze and investigate more. I was able to find out who the OM was." I have previously noted that the affair partners are quite a cast of characters...but a married with kids, drug/alcohol addict who tried to shoot himself...wow, what a catch!
Yes, this guy has so much baggage. But he's so "happy and positive", despite trying to commit suicide. My IC's jaw nearly hit the floor when hearing about him.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
19. "I would try talking to her at times over the next week. She was cold but maintained she didn’t want to file for divorce." Do not initiate R talks.
Yes, my mistake. Wish I had found myself here earlier.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
20. "Christmas was spent apart with our respective families. I’d gathered by then that she was telling her family and friends that she was abused and painting me as an awful person." Yes, perhaps some lies and blameshifting...but you also have to take ownership for your own contribution to the failed M...
I definitely do. The problem is despite everything she's done she still thinks she has 0 responsibility.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
21. "On 12/29 I came home from work and initiated a serious discussion. She finally seemed a little open, a little empathetic." Their moods swing wildly...from hot...to cold..try not to read too much into these swings.
Yes, I don't know if she was genuinely receptive or just putting on an act knowing what she had planned for the next day.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
22. "Eventually, I went to the MBR to go to bed. Something urged me to check her nightstand, where we kept condoms. I opened the drawer and 2 boxes and a vibrator were missing." Doesn't sound like you were confused...but in denial...
Definitely denial because it was just so unlike her. Was like suddenly being told 2+2=5. Just didn't make sense.
Originally Posted By: Gordie
23. ""So I said, “2 boxes of condoms should keep you gone longer than that.” No reply." LOL
Yep, I'm proud of that one. Hope it struck a chord with her but she probably didn't care.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
24. “She came home on New Years day and tried to walk in nonchalant like nothing was going on. I immediately told her to pack her things and leave.” Again, good for you.
25. “She sarcastically said, “I donated them, fine, OK. Is that what you want to hear?”” Salvation Army?
26. “I texted my mom to call her mom and tell her about the affair in an effort to get her out of the house.” Don’t suggest using relatives as intermediaries.
27. “She said she didn’t answer my text about the condoms because I wouldn’t have believed her explanation so there wasn’t any point.” Did she also donate your toothpaste?
28. “Her whole tone was angry just as it had been since she got back from her work trip. As if it was me who had an affair.” Yes, she has the affair and blames…YOU; that’s part of the script.
29. “We texted back and forth a bit a week or so later. Randomly she dropped a “If I tell you to stop and you don’t, that’s emotional abuse”… It felt completely like her dropping a breadcrumb of evidence to show her lawyer.” Is she talking about sex? Be very careful about what you say here what you put in writing and conversations can be recorded.
30. “Current sitch is I’ve gone NC since then and she hasn’t been by the house or called or texted, not even to see or ask about the dog.” Did you read DB or DR? Is that why you went NC?
31. “She’s filed a counterpetition for divorce assigning fault in the breakup of the marriage on me.” What was the stated reason of fault? Did you petition on grounds of adultery?
32. “I’m in IC and have been to a support group. I’m on anti-depressants. I haven’t slept more than 5 hours in almost 2 months.” Good re IC and support group. Why are you on anti-depressants? Sleeplessness? Welcome to the club, but this too can be managed with time and the right tactics (I recommend drug free tactics.
33. “I still love her. Trust and faithfulness are big deals for me and she’s violated them completely. I despise the current version of her but I miss the one I knew for 14 years tremendously. I can’t understand how she can shut her emotions off and cast me aside so easily. All over ~6 weeks of BS being fed to her.” Read some of the MLC threads and see if they resonate with you. If so, this has been brewing for some time and you are just finding out about it and you are in for a long, bewildering ride.
34. “I’ve reached out several times to her during all of this and I’m not even the guilty person. I’m just very confused and conflicted.” I think you need to stop focusing on who is the guilty person. Yes, she committed adultery, but you pointing that out to her and saying it is her fault or wanting her to admit fault and beg for forgiveness—that isn’t going to happen, so stop hoping for it. What are your goals and how can the people here help you?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
It looks like youve already filed for divorce. What are you looking to gain from posting here?
Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, Id suggest you start there. If you have, what are your goals?
In the meantime, what kind of GAL activity are you into now? You said youve been NC for a week. What is that like?
I've filed but I'm open to discussing R if she comes out of the fog, reaches out, and is genuinely remorseful. I'm just not sure that will happen because her denial of responsibility for her actions isn't new but rather something that's always been a part of her. She's fueled by hate towards me now and changing that would involve admitting she messed up. I guess I'm just looking for support and advice from others who have gone through the same thing.
I haven't read DR but definitely would if we were still in contact. Does it apply to my situation? I've not seen my W since 1/10 and last texted 1/15 so there aren't really situations to apply anything towards her. The NC has been tough. We'd text during the day and talk in the evenings and it's hard to not have that.
For GAL.. I'm exercising, reading, and going out to lunch/dinner with friends and family. I'm looking into signing up for a kickball team. But I'm also spending a lot of time just laying on the couch depressed.
It seems to me the most important question right now is, Do you want to divorce?
I would think long and hard about that. Don't think in terms of what message you want to send your wife. How angry and hurt you are. Think in terms of what YOU want. Look at who your wife has been all these years. Think about how you want to live the next 40 years of your life. Do you want to try to save the marriage with your wife?
If you do, I'd cancel the divorce petition, and hunker down for the long road of divorce busting. It's going to be months, if not years. A marathon, with very low likelihood you'll save your marriage. But most likely you will come out as a better person, even if a divorced person.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
