During the time through the holidays and while she was in the house is what kills me, as we still went out and did stuff as a family, ate dinner as a family, cleaned the house and helped each other out and offered help to each other, said thank yous and showed general concern with each other it seemed, until the kids went to bed when we went to our separate ends of the house.. We were able to have VERY good conversations about our past and us during this time as well that I honestly felt were from the heart.. but then it was light a lightswitch the next day and it was complete discontent from her.. This continued up until she moved out the other week as said above.. Now that the papers are signed and she is out of the house there has been very little conversation between us... only about the kids or legal matters or finances. I don't know what her parents and family know but want to believe that they would not stand for the actions while I was gone if they knew.. I know that she continues to be involved with the OM outside of work and there doesnt look to be any end to it.
I am currently seeing an IC and asked if she would come one day or even if we could go and speak to our pastor together to which she wanted nothing to do with that originally. She did at one point change and say that she would be willing to goto my IC one time for me. When I asked her again just before she moved out she told me she did not think she could now and that she would not go for MC, that she would only go to see mine for me.. which how does that work? My understanding of her saying that was that she only wanted to help me move forward with what was happening.. not to fix or try to work on anything. She continued to tell me when she was in the house that she was not interested in R "RIGHT NOW." She would always end it with Right now.. which kept building a bit of hope in me.. and still does. But her actions and the way she acts with me anymore makes me think that she did not truly mean that. She has lied to me, her family and others through this so I cannot trust what she says anymore. I don't even know who she is anymore as her interests and likes have completely changed as well.
I agree that I feel there is either MLC or WW happening in her actions to which I see no end. The OM has a track history of going after married women so I am not sure how long that will last or if it even had substance to it from the beginning or if he was just at the right place at the right time for her to lean on.. I agree though that they A down! He is a complete opposite of what I ever thought she liked... who knows.. It [censored].. I know everything we have is a material thing.. but to throw away everything that was good and nice that we built and put together in 14 years.. as well as the struggles our children have already had to endure before.. only to cause it again for them doesn't seem worth it for any of this! I honestly feel that all this could be worked though and talked about...
I tried to be as well rounded in this as possible to show that I have many faults in it too.. this may have been too descriptive and I can subdue it if need.. just let me know..
How do I move forward other than working on myself for my kids? I have been trying to do the 180, but the limiting communication thing just seems like it has been counterproductive with how she acts now that she has moved out and we havent talked hardly.. I have learned how to do ALOT for my daughter and my son through this that I never thought I could or would before so that has been great! Ive been more relaxed with work and things at home as well as more patient with our children and others.. I read more now and have taken interest in old hobbies as well as am getting back to going to the gym regularly..
I did remove my wedding band the other day due to me feeling there is nothing left of our old M after seeing that she continues to see the OM and that she is not wanting this separation to find herself like she told me.. She stopped wearing hers off and on while we were together after I came back from training to the point of she stopped wearing it all together weeks before she left.. That was a crushing blow to me as well.. and It still feels weird to me that I don't have it on anymore.. the ghost feelings are there and the sadness that its not there hits me often..
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Should I repost all this over in MLC forum? or start posting over there or stay in here? Or post in both? Ive gotten a lot of good support from family members as well as through counseling and chaplains and pastors.. I know who I can work on myself.. I just wish we could work on us together.. The more days go by the further away she seems..
Trying to follow your story, there's a lot to unpack:
1. Military. First, thank you for your service. With the deployments and everything, this can of course be extraordinarily challenging to a MR.
2. Fertility. It sounds like you had fertility issues. While this is challenging for both H and W, it can be identity shattering for the W. Did your W deal with this or did she stuff her feelings/suffer depression?
3. Children. Congratulations on your adoptions. How did your W adjust to motherhood/how did you adjust to fatherhood/how did that affect your R?
4. Career/money. It sounds like you put a lot of your interests first without your W's input or consideration, is that correct?
5. OM. It sounds like you've heard a lot and suspected a lot. What is confirmed? Is it an EA or a PA? What does she get from OM?
6. Separation. You are legally separated now. Is that going to be a long term arrangement or are there discussions of divorce?
What should you do?
1. You are right that your primary focus should be on you and improving you, which is the only thing you can control.
2. You are right that your secondary focus should be on your kids; you have them 50% of the time which is great. You said you have improved on being a dad, which is great, keep up with that.
3. You are concerned that it's hard to move the needle as (a) you have very little interaction with your W and (b) she is still involved with OM. You are right, so you need to focus on #1 and #2 above and when you do interact, make it a positive one (look good, smell good, be positive, act as if, no R talks).
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Trying to follow your story, there's a lot to unpack:
1. Military. First, thank you for your service. With the deployments and everything, this can of course be extraordinarily challenging to a MR.
2. Fertility. It sounds like you had fertility issues. While this is challenging for both H and W, it can be identity shattering for the W. Did your W deal with this or did she stuff her feelings/suffer depression?
3. Children. Congratulations on your adoptions. How did your W adjust to motherhood/how did you adjust to fatherhood/how did that affect your R?
4. Career/money. It sounds like you put a lot of your interests first without your W's input or consideration, is that correct?
5. OM. It sounds like you've heard a lot and suspected a lot. What is confirmed? Is it an EA or a PA? What does she get from OM?
6. Separation. You are legally separated now. Is that going to be a long term arrangement or are there discussions of divorce?
What should you do?
1. You are right that your primary focus should be on you and improving you, which is the only thing you can control.
2. You are right that your secondary focus should be on your kids; you have them 50% of the time which is great. You said you have improved on being a dad, which is great, keep up with that.
3. You are concerned that it's hard to move the needle as (a) you have very little interaction with your W and (b) she is still involved with OM. You are right, so you need to focus on #1 and #2 above and when you do interact, make it a positive one (look good, smell good, be positive, act as if, no R talks).
1. Military. First, thank you for your service. With the deployments and everything, this can of course be extraordinarily challenging to a MR. Thank You, I appreciate that.
2. Fertility. It sounds like you had fertility issues. While this is challenging for both H and W, it can be identity shattering for the W. Did your W deal with this or did she stuff her feelings/suffer depression? She did in her own way.. but I feel that there is still some resentment and thinking that it could work with someone else.. especially with what I have heard from coworkers overhearing her communication with the other toxic employees.. I could be completely wrong on this as she loves our children but has always wanted a baby . As have I!
3. Children. Congratulations on your adoptions. How did your W adjust to motherhood/how did you adjust to fatherhood/how did that affect your R? She has always been a more hands off mother with playing with the kids and getting down on the floor with them or outside playing with them.. I brought this up when we were talking over some of the issues as a concern for me that I has always felt and wished she was more involved in that aspect. She loves them to death in different ways though. As far as me, I have been involved in the best ways I know how before but stressed by the military and other things that I placed before my family that I should not have... Since the BD, I have been full force daddy though and have done things I never thought I could before as far as being a parent. I have tried to take on Single Parent to the fullest and love it.
4. Career/money. It sounds like you put a lot of your interests first without your W's input or consideration, is that correct? That is correct.. I never intended that in my actions as I thought I was doing what was best for the family but took more of my own concerns with career and future/money to provide for them that I took my emotional piece out I think. However this was never fully communicated till recently. Or I did not see the signs and concerns she had before...
5. OM. It sounds like you've heard a lot and suspected a lot. What is confirmed? Is it an EA or a PA? What does she get from OM? Confirmed on the EA pieces through my snooping.. I know bad.. but I wanted to know.. Suspected by OM staying overnight on numerous occasions at our house "As a friend" while I was gone and his interactions with her and the kids that had never been there before.. I felt that I was being replaced by him when I was gone and that her intentions had I left for the full training would be that he would do more.. I feel what she gets from him right now is attention and affection through talking and telling her everything she wants/needs to hear that I was not providing correctly..
6. Separation. You are legally separated now. Is that going to be a long term arrangement or are there discussions of divorce? I actually asked this question when she started with wanting a separation and to her there is no timeline.. she could only say the state requires that we be separated for a year before anything else happens.. She hasn't said that she wants a D.. but also hasnt said anything about R and doesn't show any intentions about wanting that..
I mainly said that in that her actions and how she is now mimics those that I have read with MLC or WW.. and not so much on a WAW.. no remorse, sadness on events..
. As have I!