So like many others on here.. I don't know where to even begin. Other than knowing what I did and didn't do to be at this point in my life. The stories on here ring so true and similar to the one I never thought we would be going through. But I took many things for granted it seems.
Let me start off by going over a little story building with numbers.. We have been together for 14 years.. HS sweethearts essentially M for 10 years.. we were young, but determined. 2 Children and what I thought was many great memories.. Everything seemed to be good up until a few months ago. I was away for a few weeks of military training when the BD happened..Possible EA/PA with OM.. W moved out, Separation agreements have been discussed, lawyer approved and now signed. EA/PA still seems to be happening even though being told it never was or is... Not sure where to even go now, W tells me that she needs space to find herself, that we got M too early and that maybe we were never even compatible and that there was a lot of Toxic things in our relationship from the beginning. She can't see the many years of good times that we had and feels this is the only option. Does not want to talk about R or go see a MC. She has alienated all of the friends and family members who cared for her and I thought she cared for, and has surrounded herself with new found friends and others who have divorced before or are separated or the OM, who continue to feed her full of negative things I feel.. maybe not? ugh..
I'm not sure how detailed I should go into the backstory on here, but I feel that over the last 10 years I have not been the best husband that I should have been. It [censored] that its taken the BD to cause me to really open my eyes and see that my priorities have not been in the correct places. I always thought that i was doing what was best for my family by looking to the future.. but by doing that I was removing myself from the present with work, goals, ambitions, and dreams. All the while not fully allowing my W to expand hers. I never saw it before but I feel that I was very egocentric and self absorbed as I grew in my careers. Which to me all of these things are VERY fixable now.. and should have been before. I can't change the past however. I know what I need to fix about myself to be a better father to my children and a better husband.. if only my W wanted that still..
Story to come.. I try to be completely rounded on both sides of this story as I know there are many things that I could have done better.. but there are also things that she could have communicated better and not expected me to be a mind reader as well.. My story seems similar to jkr2023. Let me know how detailed I should be...
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Also to add, I do have DR that I am currently reading through. I have become more involved with my faith and continuely am going to Church and enjoying it! I have found a great very relaxed atmosphere church that my friends goto and my children love to goto also. I am trying to believe that God has a purpose for the pain and struggles that I am going through now its just tough to see them fully.. I'm just at the beginning stages of this process also.. I understand that I will go through a lot of the phases and will fall back many time as well..
I am trying to do the 180 method but it seems to currently have no effect on things.. When my W was in the home still she saw that I had changed and was more involved and appreciative as well as with talking and listening.. however she said that she could not believe it will last and felt that I was trying to make her out as the bad parent in this. When that NEVER will be the case. She is a great mother to our children, I knew what I needed to change with myself and was acting on it. I wanted my changes to stick and stay.. but I also knew that she was wanting out and that I would have to be doing a lot of the things on my own from that point forward so I needed to be doing them now..
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Unfortunately, I've heard this speech as have many others here, looks like there may be some early signs of MLC too (needs to find herself, affairs, alienating family and friends, etc.), have you checked out those threads?
***W tells me that she needs space to find herself, that we got M too early and that maybe we were never even compatible and that there was a lot of Toxic things in our relationship from the beginning. She can't see the many years of good times that we had and feels this is the only option. Does not want to talk about R or go see a MC. She has alienated all of the friends and family members who cared for her and I thought she cared for, and has surrounded herself with new found friends and others who have divorced before or are separated or the OM, who continue to feed her full of negative things I feel.. maybe not? ugh.. ***
Good for you for recognizing your contribution to the demise of your marriage. It's taken me a while to accept that:
**I'm not sure how detailed I should go into the backstory on here, but I feel that over the last 10 years I have not been the best husband that I should have been. It [censored] that its taken the BD to cause me to really open my eyes and see that my priorities have not been in the correct places. I always thought that i was doing what was best for my family by looking to the future.. but by doing that I was removing myself from the present with work, goals, ambitions, and dreams. All the while not fully allowing my W to expand hers. I never saw it before but I feel that I was very egocentric and self absorbed as I grew in my careers. Which to me all of these things are VERY fixable now.. and should have been before. I can't change the past however. I know what I need to fix about myself to be a better father to my children and a better husband.. if only my W wanted that still..***
Where is your W living now? Where are you living? Where are the children? How much interaction do you have with your W at present?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I am trying to do the 180 method but it seems to currently have no effect on things.. When my W was in the home still she saw that I had changed and was more involved and appreciative as well as with talking and listening.. however she said that she could not believe it will last and felt that I was trying to make her out as the bad parent in this.
Hello Im_Here,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you and your kids. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
It isn't uncommon for the WAW to rewrite history to suit her current needs/actions. This is especially true since she is surrounding herself with people that buy into her new lifestyle choices. You can't believe any of what she says and only half of what she does right now.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
-- Where is your W living now? Where are you living? Where are the children? How much interaction do you have with your W at present?
Gordie, My W is currently living with her parents until her apartment is ready from the previous renters. She was planning on staying at the house till it was but said she felt that leaving on the first of the month would be best.. (moreso for the 1 year separation time for our state to finally begin I feel...)
The children are split with joint custody, no one physical custody however since I am in our home all of their stuff is there too right now. We exchange weekly and they are with her right now, where for now since she is at her parents they are just bringing things back and forth..
Communication with her is very little unless it is about the kids. She expressed yesterday that she "Does not want to talk to me just to talk.. but knows that she has to communicate for the children..."
This is the same person that not just 2 months ago was a totally different person! Even when she was in the house she was friendly and helpful and talked as a family essentially.. just nothing about us. I'm beginning to think though that was all a front to keep me calm for the separation agreement.. as now that she is not living at home and the papers are signed.. shes hateful acting..
We tried to discuss the exchange of our children in the afternoon during her weeks since I pick them up from school still and I expressed that I was not comfortable and did not feel that bringing them to her work to sit for an hour everyday they're with her would be good.. plus the people there are the ones that are toxic! And I don't really want them around our children! I stayed completely calm during this conversation and she fired back with "Of course, everything has to be your way.. not any one elses way still.." To which I replied with that was not the case, that we had discussed this before and both agreed that her work would not be a good exchange place, nor was it a good idea for them to be there if they didn't have to..
I just don't understand where this hatred has come from and complete lack of wanting to even talk.. She told me when she was in the house that she wanted to still be friends.. and be amicable through all of this, that "she had fallen out of love..." To me, if that was the case.. you wouldn't have so much hatred towards someone would you?
She continue to hang out with OM as well, even though she said that it was just going to be a work relationship when we last talked about it.. She has changed so much in so little time without any remorse or looking back..
I'll post up the story after a bit this morning of what all went down to get us here...
When we dated before we married we had ups and downs.. general struggles and things I would not change on that she wanted and things that I did, she had the same. I was not the most mature then and did not have a good head on my shoulders which caused issues but we worked through them so I thought.. I know of a few idiotic moments I had back then that just can't be fixed or forgotten that went with my maturity... I ended up joining the military which fixed a lot of my maturity and some of the issues that we had between each other of priorities.. We were engaged by now and talking of M in a year, however I was presented with deployment papers which caused us to push them up rather quickly once graduating basic. I deployed for 15 months in our first year of marriage.. we ended up buying our first home together, and other things to go along with new marriages.. everything seemed to be good now. We would still have spats every now and then but generally worked through them. We were keeping busy with our home and repairs as well as starting to want babies..which didn't happen then.. That caused a lot of stress on the both of us. I look back now and see how much of an idiot I was then on how I reacted to it.. I was more concerned with myself it feels like.. I tried to be supportive and sympathetic but never grieved over it or really helped her with grieving. We did treatments and tests and she was essentially put through hell and I did not do my best at being a strong shoulder for everything looking back. Hindsight..
Another deployment came along which took me away again during this time. We had decided then that we still wanted children and looked for alternative means and came upon Adoption. Everything seemed to be falling into place now and meant to be. We were so occupied with the adoption process that we didnt have a lot of time to argue or fight or spend on each other.. We still had fun and went out together though. I continued to move forward with my military career and civilian career and everything seemed great with advancements and job changes for the both of us.
It took 4 years to finalize both of our childrens adoptions which took up a lot of our time as a couple and kept us busy. Now that everything was in place and where we wanted it to be so I thought.. I decided that the military was beginning to draw too much on me, but I continued to look to the future with the retirement and an alternative means of income and secondary job if anything ever happened with my primary. By doing that I was looking to the future but in turn removing myself from the present. We had a rather large fight/discussion about my decision to change career paths in the military mainly on the fact of it came down to I was to deploy again... I knew I would be gone for a year so why not take that year to better myself restore my want to be in the military by finally chasing a dream.. and that is what it was.. It was a dream.. It was a choice I made without much thought about my family and my W, and what it would mean or do to them. All I thought was, we could treat this as a deployment but better as I could come and go when I could and they could come and go when they could to see me also. They could have moved for the training, but I knew with her job and our children in school it would be dumb to uproot for a year just to come right back and hard enough on them already. I still made that choice to leave.. not being forced this time by the military.. I feel that is the one major blow that started the boulder tumbling..
After the discussion she had put on the supportive W face which I was blind to see that it was not a true supportive W. Everything seemed to be good though, we went on vacations, had fun, our communication began to build up i felt and we were laughing and joking and flirting through texts which we had not done in a long time right before I was to leave for the first part of training a few months back even the first couple weeks of training everything seemed ok. We were sending love yous back and forth and miss yous. When we were able to talk it was a little broken down, and I know I did not do the best at communicating correctly as before when I went on deployments she would be stuck with a lot to do. I tried my hardest to ensure that everything was taken care of before I left this time so she wouldn't have to worry.. The way I asked questions about the home and finances did not come across the best though I guess.. it was not intended that way but I failed.
Finances was a struggle that we fought about a lot.. I managed the finances and we had a good bit of debts due to the adoptions and other things and I didn't see it then but I definitely see how I acted now which was wrong, but whenever there was something that she wanted to do, as a hobby or something she was interested in, for example any of the number of pampered chefs, or clothing, or oil things that are out there.. I would always see them as pyramid schemes and hate that she would be involved in them as I felt she was being taken advantage of and essentially wasting money.. I did not even think that this was something she enjoyed doing or wanted to do.. and I became a control freak over money due to that, and in a way did not allow her to do something she wanted to do.. Whenever she wanted to spend money on things like that, even though I wanted her to enjoy stuff, it always seemed to fall at the wrong time or I'd get mad about it.. However, whenever I came across something, anything that I wanted... I would always find the way to make funds appear.. WHICH WAS WRONG! and I see that now.. Why I didn't before I don't know.. These are all things I'm working on fixing about myself.. the financial control, the empatheticness towards others that I struggled with due to how I acted in the military, the egotistical mindset that I developed due to the military and having so many schools under my belt and where everything seemed to always work and I never really failed in the military.. Since I have pulled myself back from all that I am much calmer and much more relaxed. Especially with our children and I love it! That is one of the best changes I could have ever done and want to continue. And I know these changes in a way I want for her.. but they need to be for me..
So back to what happened.. things changed in the middle of my training.. her complete tone changed and the hatred all the sudden came out in full force, I was in a way "Blindsided" by the change and had no idea what was going on.. she did not want to talk to me but would let me talk to the kids the rest of the time there.. without going into great detail of the rest, it continued through graduation and returning home through the holidays. During my time home was when my family and friends began to approach me with things they were seeing that went on while I was gone with my W and OM, more and more people came to me with concerns that added to what I already knew and was suspecting before I left for training that I started to see.. I did not want to believe any of it but everything was coenciding way too much with her change and want for separation.
I've said it from the start of this.. that had the reasons that we were here come out before I left or before there was any image of an OM, I would be more ok with dealing with this.. or how she felt. I would still for sure want to fix things and still want us to work through our issues to where we could still be together and continue our Relationship.. but the part of the OM adds another layer of complexity to everything..
