Job, Rose, Pax, Fighton, Bttrfly and Ciluzen - thanks for the kind congratulatory posts! It was so nice to receive those.
Bttrfly and Ciluzen - I actively had been hunting for a new job. I actually loved my last job. Until I was assigned to a new manager who was like a character out of Mad Men circa the 1955 episodes.
It was unreal. We were a small start-up and he wanted me to send his emails for him! (At the time, I was the only woman working in the company except for 2 other women in upper management to whom he reported.) He thought that since I lacked a penis, I should fix his coffee and call his wife to tell her when he'd be home. (And NO, none of this was in my job description. And he's not Amish, either, in case you're trying to give him the benefit of the doubt as to why his fingers can't touch a computer.)
Anyway, I had plenty of my own emails to send! When I told my old boss all this, I told her I was not "Joan" from Mad Men and she died laughing and said she'd talk to him. I think he was trying to pull a fast one.
Like that wasn't enough, he was passive aggressive to boot. And he was stretching various rules that made me very uncomfortable.
The new job is really nice! The work is better and the people are wonderful. I am back to having a wonderful boss; phfew!! They operate with a fundamental courtesy that was lacking in my last environment. 3 days in and no one has asked me to fluff his seat cushion for him so that's a good sign. Once again I look forward to work and that is a huge relief. You cannot work for a person you do not respect. It's not possible.
The bad news is anger has re-surfaced in h and I am on day 3 of receiving total silent treatment. He wouldn't even be in the same room with me until today when he was in the room but only talked to the kids.
I have been doing a lot of reading on silent treatment. I knew it was a severe PA behavior and a method of control where you tell someone that you determine their "worthiness" or lackthereof by ignoring him/her.
I brought it on myself as I lost my patience. I said something unkind. It was true and yet, not something I should have said as there are many things that are true and yet should be left unsaid.
S11 hurt his ankle at a game and was in a lot of pain. Of course this all happened the night before my new job. I asked h if he would take s11 for an X-Ray in the AM if it was worse. He told me s11 should go to school as h always went to school no matter what. (Yessss, we should do things just as his mother did as that turned out soooo well.) I told him s was in pain and teachers are not nurses. H got so mad and told me I should quit MY job and stay home and take care of the kids all day?!? I assume this is some sort of crazy conversation he's having with his neglectful mom.
It was just so unattractive. I can take a lot but it's just a huge turn off to see a man who does not want to care for his kids. And I was confused about where were. Is this 2017 for you or 1976?
So I said a very unkind thing. I told him he was a fraction of the man I married. Awful, I know. Bad DBing. I was just so angry and frustrated. So tired of the weirdness.
The moment I left his room I heard my cell phone alert me to a new text message. I didn't have to think long and hard about who sent it. And yep, it was from h. He swore at me (!), told me not to come to his room again and to keep my crazy opinions to myself. (He never swears and now once last month and once this month.)
And ever since then, he refuses to acknowledge me.
I am sorry the men in your life are not treating you as they should. This is their issues and nothing about you. You know this but it is really hard not to be affected by such treatment. Also on behalf of men I wanted to state not all men treat women badly.
Don't blame yourself and dwell on what you said. Seemed like the truth to me. Maybe he overreacted because he knows it's true too.
I do hear you judging him though in several instances. You are surely correct in your assessments but being judgemental is closely related to resentment and for your own sake it is better to avoid. I say this with all due respect as I want you to be able to speak freely here. This is a safe place to let that out. But in RL less is more.
How is your son?
All the best with the new job.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I'm sorry that your h still isn't all there. I hope your son is doing better, but it's going to take a while before that injury feels much better.
I thought you had a conversation or should I say, speaking to the tree, about texting when you are in the next room. I would so not open those text messages and make him come to you if he's got something to say. This is so annoying to you.
As for what you said to him...sometimes we have to say what is on our minds. A truth dart here and there won't hurt them one bit and he's a grown man, he'll eventually get over it.
BTW, I'm glad to read you like your new job. It makes the day go quickly and you can "escape" from the madness at home for just a bit and actually enjoy the work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am happy for you that your new job is more to your liking. It's so nice when at least a part of our lives is working out better. Just one less thing to have to sort out.
I certainly can't blame you for the remark. His reaction to your S's need for medical attention was unreasonable.
The ensuing PA behavior is so difficult to handle. I feel like it is a no-win situation. If you don't say something, your feelings of frustration fester and build. If you confront the childish behavior, the MLC'er will find a way to spin it and use it against you.
Can't help but think his comment about you staying home has to do with you getting this new job. Is he just jealous that you're getting a change of job when he's stuck in his? Or is he perhaps jealous because you're getting a raise or more prestige and he feels threatened?
I'm right there w/bttrfly in saying that I'm sorry he rained on your parade. I don't think what he said was about feeling threatened. I think he's so miserable, he didn't want to see you happy about your new job. They are some jealous and resentful people, especially when others are happy and enjoying life...they can make a sunny day look stormy in a heartbeat if you allow them to do so...don't give him that satisfaction.
What matters is that you are happy and the new place is far better to work in.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Congratulations HaWho and glad to hear you are enjoying your new role. I would have struggled with the behaviour from your former colleague too....ugh...
As for your H - yes it may well sting a little that you have moved to a new job and you like it. I can remember XH struggling a little when I had a success at work and he was finding things tough..
If your H was in a better place, he would be able to share better in the positives - but he is where he is for now.....I always say - aim for grace...xx
Have a lovely weekend :)x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Roist, Job, Fighton, KML, Bttrfly and Sotto.
Most importantly, my son's ankle is fine. A small bone was bruised and that has healed up. Phfew.
Roist - oh, I know there are great men out there! I am raising two of them. And my favorite boss of all time was a guy so I know you can't generalize. (My last company was so small, that we didn't have an HR department. In a "real" company they would have terminated him or they'd have a lawsuit from a female employee.)
You know KML Bttrfly and Job, maybe you are right. Looking back on it, he just seemed to be making my first day hard. I do think he wanted to ruin it for me. And even before the fight, he only asked 2 questions about the job. He seemed happy at first but maybe not?
He is on day 6 of ignoring me completely.
I forgot to mention one other thing. As those who are following know, h is struggling with massive superficiality. Recently, (before he stopped speaking to me) he broke out in some sort of rash on his face. He said it may have been a reaction to some meds he was taking. But he offers little and I don't ask.
He had texted me while at the doctor's and told me he was dealing with the rash. It really reminded me of a teen who thinks the whole world is staring at her zit. The rash looked like a razor burn to me. It wasn't a big deal, really. But he would come home, shield himself and go right to his room!!!
So I said it wasn't so bad and besides it's what's on the inside that matters. Well, he retorted that his ego was bruised by how he looks. I probably should have validated. But he needs a little push here. I joked to him that we will all go through our looks fading.
Well, he retorted that he was hideous and this wasn't the time to get philosophical. He sure does have a vise-grip on youth.
And last night he was discussing numbers he liked with the boys. He told the kids he liked 24. I couldn't see the significance of it. Then he said 24 is a great age because you still have optimism.
Groooooann and shoulder slump.
Then the kids asked, what about 90. H said he did not know. I chimed in and said many people enjoy 90. My grandmother did. And I told them so. She survived two world wars in Eastern Europe and then moved to the US in her mid-60's! She raised a bazillion grandchildren all while making every meal from scratch. She was a tank. And a happy one at that.
If she were alive and I told her about h, she'd walk over and knock some sense into him with her rolling pin.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
