I'm very new to this - not only Divorce Busting, but even marital problems. It all hit me like a brick to the face.
I'll give my background in a minute - first i want to start by saying that for the last 2 weeks I've done a great job at following the guidance on this forum (including Sandi's rules) and the Divorce Remedy book. Unfortunately, i did the exact opposite for the first 2 months after I found out that my wife was having an affair, said she didn't love me, and wanted to leave.
Divorce Remedy helped me understand that my wife isn't unique - she fits nicely into the walkaway wife (WAW) description.
Since i started reading the book and had my first to Divorce Busting coaching sessions, i've cut off all communications except logistics about kids. I have no clue if this is helping yet, but i'm sticking to it since what i was doing wasn't working.
Now, my story. In early November 2016, wife said she was not happy and she wanted to go to couples therapy. I said yes and we went to two sessions. We both talked about how we felt about our relationship and we discovered we were on totally different pages - i thought it was okay for our stage in life (2 kids, etc.), but she said she was incredibly unhappy. oh, the therapist wasn't licenced, was in her mid-20s, and didn't specialist in couples.
On the Saturday before Thanksgiving, she said "i'm not in love with you anymore and haven't been in many years, i want to leave, and i'm having an affair." Wow. That was a bombshell. She didn't leave.
I immediately found a therapist who specializes in marriages and we started going from that week until present. I used that time to truly understand why she felt like she does, and immediately began changing myself to be a better husband.
Meanwhile, the affair continued. She tried unsuccessfully to keep it secret.
In early January, she said she really just needed time away from me to think through things. I wasn't a fan of this idea, but said okay since one of her primary complaints was "you always want to fix things your way." This was a pretty thing for me to change my behavior on, but i said okay. She also said "I just dont want to try to make it work." She's hoping the break will make her want to try.
During the first 5 days of the break, i still said "I love you," smiled really big at her when i'd video chat with our kids, said very insecure things about the affair, and even sent her a love note. After a few days, i realized this was making things worse, so i backed off completely. A few days later, my therapist recommended Divorce Remedy, which supported my thought to back off.
I've continued to be very uninvolved with her except logistics relating to our kids. I don't know if it is working at all. I do know she's continuing to talk to the other guy. She's also looking for apartments, changing bank account passwords, etc. Overall, not doing things a loving wife would do.
Crazy side note - the other guy's wife has called me and we've talked several times. They have their own issues, but its therapeutic to talk to her even though i didn't previously know her.
We have 1 week left in our controlled break before we have our first "check in" with the therapist.
Question for the community: What do I say and do during our 1 month check in?
Thanks!
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Is there a good link to start with on her ongoing affair/infidelity?
As it says in Divorce Remedy, and just about every other thing i've read, she won't even begin to change until she makes the decision to leave the affair.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Is there a good link to start with on her ongoing affair/infidelity?
As it says in Divorce Remedy, and just about every other thing i've read, she won't even begin to change until she makes the decision to leave the affair.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Excellent stuff. I'll go back through everything a few more times, along with the book.
I know this is going to take time, but it sure is hard some days to not talk to her about this. But, i've managed to stay strong so far. Just gotta keep it up until who knows when.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
The ongoing affair is the part the puts my mind in a bad place. Last night, she said she was staying at her parents while i'm watching the kids and being a great dad at our house, but i have a bad feeling she was with him. Kept me up all night.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
The ongoing affair is the part the puts my mind in a bad place. Last night, she said she was staying at her parents while i'm watching the kids and being a great dad at our house, but i have a bad feeling she was with him. Kept me up all night.
Time to lower your expectations. Reality is likely much different than your imagination. Read Sandi's rules and posts.
Welcome to the community. The good things I see in your post is how quickly you acted to get help for your situation. Also, with the inexperienced and unlicensed counselor, you recognize the importance of guidance from those who are experienced.
Quote:
In early January, she said she really just needed time away from me to think through things. I wasn't a fan of this idea, but said okay since one of her primary complaints was "you always want to fix things your way." This was a pretty thing for me to change my behavior on
It is true that she wants space. But her excuse to think things over and hoping the space will cause her to want to work on the MR is not true. One of the first things to learn in DBing is to not believe what she says. Look at her actions.
Quote:
she's continuing to talk to the other guy. She's also looking for apartments, changing bank account passwords, etc. Overall, not doing things a loving wife would do.
No, it's not things a loving wife would do. These are actions of a wife who has no intentions of working on a MR with her H, at least not any time in the near future. Currently, she has another man in her head, heart, bed, and life. She has rejected her home and the provisions her H and the M gave her.....to set up a love nest for her and OM. She will not be "thinking on things" that pertain to her H and the MR.
Detaching is the best thing you can do. I caution you about subconciously using logistics about the kids as your way to connect with her. I see newcomer LBH's do that a lot. And, unless the kids are too small, I suggest you not be included in any type of video chats. If it's really about the kids, then don't be trying to let her see you, and vise versa.
I suggest you treat contacts with your W in a buisness style approach. Has there been a schedule set for when the children are to stay with which parent?
One other thing I want to caution you about is the W of the OM. Do not use those talks as a means of therapy, or venting/sharing with each other. Both of you are in emotional pain who have spouses rejecting you so they can be together. That could quickly form an unhealthy bond with you and her. Listen, I have seen couples get physically involved, whose ex's were in affairs with one another. Just saying........be careful.
Does your W know that you know about her affair?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2 thank you for the thoughtful reply! Im so thankful i found this community. Yes, my wife knows that i know about the affair. I haven't mentioned it in 3 weeks though. Im doing what i can to not acknowledge it. However, the other wife did talk to my wofe last week and said that she was telling me about the affair.
The kids are 2 and 5, so i do like them to see me in the video chats as much as possible. My wife has started just giving her phone to them though, so she doesn't see me and i hide if they are with me and chatting her.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
