Do I continue doing what I am doing, or do I start to reach out to her just a little here or there?
If she is in an affair, then reaching out would be a waste of time. They can't work on the marriage relationship while doing whatever with another.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I agree with Jeep. That is pointless as the A needs to run it's course and she needs to see and realise some important things independent of your marriage.
For you, I would encourage you to put her very much on the back burner and treat her as though she is someone else's girlfriend - which of course she is just now. No R talks, minimal interaction and make your own plans.
FWIW, I think her contacts with you are manipulative and fuelled by self-interest. I think there would need to be a much more significant awakening within her before you guys could really make any progress. Otherwise, I suspect you will see more of the same and you will go up and down with her moods and whatever crumbs she chooses to drop.
Have a really good think about what your boundaries are here. And also, forge ahead with your own stuff....what plans are you making for yourself independent of her?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
...treat her as though she is someone else's girlfriend - which of course she is just now...
Wow, if you put it that way...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
So now the question is: Do I continue doing what I am doing, or do I start to reach out to her just a little here or there?
My opinion differs a bit from the others.
I agree w/ the others that you probably cannot make any meaningful progress on your relationship until and unless your W is out of the physical affair (I say "probably" because I don't believe anyone can know absolutely.)
Anyway, where I differ is this: I think you have to think hard about what is your boundary, and communicate that to her in a succinct, non-judgmental way. To be honest, I don't think you know what your boundary is. Maybe the word "boundary" itself can by itself confuse the process. I think of "what do I believe in as right/wrong," (as applies to affairs, marriage, etc.) and "what is healthy for me to be involved in vs. to stay far away from" (again, as it applies to affairs, marriage, etc.) Once you have a firm idea of what your boundaries are, then I would communicate those to your wife at an appropriate time. That would simultaneously let her know that you haven't given up on the marriage, but you are unwilling to proceed in an unhealthy way.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
treat her as though she is someone else's girlfriend - which of course she is just now
This statement is disturbing on so many levels and leads to the elephant question that must be asked - Why? How do we justify - in reality, not out of shock/sorrow - ourselves and our need to be with someone who so blatantly disrespected us as to be in a relationship (physical/emotional/both) with another person?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Soon as I found out my w was in affair and cake eating ,I blew my lid off verbally she got it,not spoke since 'that day dday,I don't think I could even be in the same room as her while she is engaged in an affair,don't get me wrong l love her still,but its crumbling,
She was very sly a few weeks before I discovered she was in affair,I had a gut feeling,I sat at the side of her and asked have u got some one els are you going with some one are you seeing some one and she said no,but my gut was telling me different so I asked again about 5 times then I asked again on the Thursday then on Friday night she told me not to come round her place anymore,then on the Saturday I caught her with the om,
Can any one tell me there views why she told me on the Friday not to come round any more,,I suspect it was cos of me asking her days before and getting close to finding out,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
I suspect if I had not had the gut feeling,she would be still cake eating with me now,what do you all think,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
BTW the other man is a coworker ,on dday I wanted to punch his lights out big time, But I knew if I did it was helping her cos I would of been in a cell,she knows I would of punched him no problem,but I just said your not worth fighting for that must of been a bit of a shock to her cos I've fought for her before for other reasons,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
BTW the other man is a coworker ,on dday I wanted to punch his lights out big time,
I told the OM that if he ever went anywhere near my kids that I'd break his legs...and he knew that I would.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
