Well, the post that I replied to seemed to have some positive tone, but I may be wrong.
Quote:
I've presented you with opportunities over the past few weeks (grocery store and bring dog back to apartment)
I'd have given anything if my ex were to have said something like this to me.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
She then followed that up with "So are you done?" I was perplexed..I said "done with what?". She said "done with us?" Again, perplexed I said "no, what makes you think something like that, I'd really like to understand your thoughts/feelings on this?"
Im not sure about saying 'no' flat out. In my opinion, it's never a good thing to let your spouse know that you are always going to be there. I think deflecting and being more vague is better. But it might be splitting hairs.
Originally Posted By: Laowai
W: I truly thing your done with the relationship and just won't say it. Your responses to me are extremely short/without substance and you NEVER reach out to me anymore...not even just to say hello ME: Well this was not fun to wake up to W: Sorry, but I've been thinking about this since yesterday and didn't want to bother you. I'm basically close to tears every waking moment of the day and I don't know what to do in life. My sis has been pushing me to move closer to her and even found me a job. Me: I feel the same way about the tears every waking moment of the day. I wish I could change that for both of us. Regarding the move I suppose youhave to do whats best for you
To me, this doesnt come off as strong. I dont think you need to mirror her weakness. Remember, these are HER decisions. If you are right there in the muck with her, it just gives her the ammo to continue with this behavior. At this point, it may be good to gently probe her. Something like "Im sorry that you are going through this. What are you thinking about doing?"
Originally Posted By: Laowai
W: I don't want to move but its nice to know you're ok with me moving. Me: I'm not ok with you moving, but I don't get a say W: You don't? So you have given up. I've presented you with opportunities over the past few weeks (grocery store and bring dog back to apartment) and you've thrown them back in my face Me: I don't feel like I have given up. I hate that you feel that way.
Again, this last line sounds weak and needy to me. Why not ask her instead 'what do you think I have given up on, exactly?"
Remember - SHE walked out on YOU. What has she done to show shes interested in actually spending time with you? I dont think these cryptic messages are cutting it. You shouldnt be forced to mind read. Honestly, my first thoughts were 1) she was irritated by you asking for something extra and was being sarcastic asking you to 'just join' and 2) that she wanted you to watch the dog so that she could do something else in the interim.
Laowai, what the hell is wrong with you man?!?!?!?!? Stop and listen to your wife. Not just to her words, but to what she's trying to communicate to you, in everything she says and does.
I stopped because it's probably too harsh, but that's how I feel. Man, she's reaching out to you to connect with you emotionally. Go be with her, listen, validate, and try to really understand how she feels. She's giving you a HUGE FREAKING chance to rebuild your marriage.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Wow, some vastly different opinions on this exchange. Thanks for both sides of the thought processes. I personally feel like they were both very weak attempts to get me to spend time with her. Almost as if she just used them to guilt me for not spending time with her. Also, it's important to remember she is still in an ongoing A, so that has to play into this as well. If the A had ended and these opportunities presented themselves, I believe I/We would be thinking much differently about this exchange. To me I think this is probably just temp checking...
While Im not saying that her actions are necessarily a bad thing, I wouldnt go quite so far as to say that she is giving you a huge chance at anything.
She could be seeking an ego boost or wanting to make sure you are still wiggling on her hook waiting for her to decide your future.
Originally Posted By: ForGump
L-
Here is what I started writing:
Quote:
Laowai, what the hell is wrong with you man?!?!?!?!? Stop and listen to your wife. Not just to her words, but to what she's trying to communicate to you, in everything she says and does.
I stopped because it's probably too harsh, but that's how I feel. Man, she's reaching out to you to connect with you emotionally. Go be with her, listen, validate, and try to really understand how she feels. She's giving you a HUGE FREAKING chance to rebuild your marriage.
From what Ive seen from being around here, if she is looking to actually start reconciling, it wont be in veiled hints of you dropping off the dog later at her house. It will be in flashing neon lights. In my opinion, what you are doing seems to be working in that shes at least starting to doubt things, at least starting to open up. But I think pursuing her now and resorting back to 'fix-it' mode will just spook her back into her hole.
Good point about the on-going A. Are you sure it's on-going? Often LBS's assumptions and/or intel are plain wrong, and they don't know it until well after the whole thing is over.
If you're sure she's still in an A, could you respond to her in a way that simultaneously sets down a boundary while letting her know you're interested? Something like:
W: I truly thing your done with the relationship and just won't say it. Your responses to me are extremely short/without substance and you NEVER reach out to me anymore...not even just to say hello
You: I don't feel done with the relationship, and Iwould love to get together and do something with you, but it's just too hard for me to do that while you're seeing someone else.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
From her messages, she is wanting to know that you are still 'on the hook' when she hasn't confirmed whether the A is over, said it was a mistake, that she regrets it, that she regrets the hurt to you and how it was wrong on so many levels etc...
So possibly what is happening is she feels she may have lost you - and she wants to make sure she hasn't. But she may not be ready to make a decision about OM either? So she keeps both rumbling along so she can just have all options open.
For me, I would be no sort of option whilst OM is anywhere on the scene. Or even if the A is recently ended. In my sitch, XH and OW split up four or five times and reconciled. So do protect yourself from that possibility.
So, don't become OM in her new relationship. And if she sends you texts which imply you have some kind of ongoing R, let her clearly know that it doesn't work for you to be in contact with her whilst she's in a R with someone else....or otherwise, just ignore her for now unless it's an emergency..
Do I sound harsh?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
From her messages, she is wanting to know that you are still 'on the hook' when she hasn't confirmed whether the A is over, said it was a mistake, that she regrets it, that she regrets the hurt to you and how it was wrong on so many levels etc...
So possibly what is happening is she feels she may have lost you - and she wants to make sure she hasn't. But she may not be ready to make a decision about OM either? So she keeps both rumbling along so she can just have all options open.
For me, I would be no sort of option whilst OM is anywhere on the scene. Or even if the A is recently ended. In my sitch, XH and OW split up four or five times and reconciled. So do protect yourself from that possibility.
So, don't become OM in her new relationship. And if she sends you texts which imply you have some kind of ongoing R, let her clearly know that it doesn't work for you to be in contact with her whilst she's in a R with someone else....or otherwise, just ignore her for now unless it's an emergency..
Do I sound harsh?
Doesnt sound harsh to me,sounds good to me,you kinda have to be cruel to be kind,I did not like being like that with my wife but I believe you have to,its your only hope,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
@ForGump: Yes, I am sure that she is still in the A. (at least that's what we would call it here...she would disagree with that naming as she has never admitted to it)
That probably would have been the ideal response. I wish I had thought of that at the time.
So now the question is: Do I continue doing what I am doing, or do I start to reach out to her just a little here or there?
