WAS vs MLC..not sure it really makes a diffence

[skm0619]

I am learning that if he ever does do any work it will not be for a long time. I am working on myself daily...some days better then others.

I actually took the dogs to the dog park today. I sent him a text letting him know we would be there and if he wanted to stop by and see them that was where we were going to be. Of course I didn't get any response from him.

I later learned that he is out of town. I'm surprised he is out of town as he is really struggling to pay bills right now and if he is not working he doesn't get paid. I'm hoping this is a work related thing, but I honestly don't know what it is. Of course my mind started to wander and think the worst. Where is he, what is he doing, who is he with. I will say that it did make me a bit annoyed that he is out of town because in my mind he is off having a great time, no worries in the world, spending money he doesn't have. While I am home, having a sad day, wondering if my life will ever get better, taking my antidepressants

I have a friend who is a realtor and she is looking into if I can sell my house without him having to sign papers, or if I can rent it without him signing papers. Highly unlikely with both of those 2 situations but she is checking.

I really hate all of this......

[peacetoday]

Hang in there

yes it is very hard watching them having so called fun in replay
while we clean up the mess

The hard work does pay off..we are paving a way for a better future by investing in healing ourselves and keeping our lives together with good choices
while they are usually paving a way for disaster
and they too will have to clean up if there is any chance for them to find the real happiness they seek
They are only living in illusion and it will not work

[SBJ]

I really hate all of this......

skm...We are all hanging in there with you. This is definitely something that we have no control over, but we can try to understand and maybe empathize with what they are going thru.

I reread the "Surviving His Midlife Crisis" section in the DR book last night. Every time I read thru the book I pick up different things about my sitch. Last night what hit me again was the part on patience and how we have to realize that we have no control over them at this point. They have to work thru this on their own.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7New American Standard Bible (NASB)

4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 [a]bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

They are only living in illusion and it will not work

peace...I think this is the hardest part for most of us to deal with. Our minds are centered around our families...but our spouses minds are centered around themselves. They really feel at this point that they can only have happiness away from us. Some drop the spouse, the kids, the pets, and the friends, but as in my case I was the only one left behind. She still has a relationship with the kids, but some of her family have been cut off and her friend circle has not totally changed, but added to with new people that don't know me or how our life was pre-BD.

It is an illusion, but the question is how long can they live in that illusion?

[skyhigh]

For sure they are paving their way to disaster, they are so obsessed of living the life they want, that they don't really pay attention to the chaos they are creating or simply they don't take care of "what must be done" because it takes time away from their pleasurable time.

I totally understand your frustration, they don't care about our feelings.

He is in full replay, he still can stay for a while in it, you might want to start thinking what you can do to protect yourself against the consequences of his actions.

At one point, you will have to have a conversation with him about how some of his debts might affect you, I am pretty sure he never gave any thoughts about it.

Also this conversation might start stirring something, usually they hate talking about subjects where reality catches up on their "idealistic" life.

That conversation is not about you pursuing him, reconciliation or feelings, it's about you telling him, "hey we have an issue, we need to talk about it". Make him see the strong you, the one you became since he left.

That conversation is about boundaries, you might tell him " You want to live without me, I accept your decision but some of the decisions you made lately might have some severe negative effects on me and we need to find a solution, what can you do to help me? Remove your name from the mortgage, accept to sell the house... whatever you need him to do. If he refuses you might have to take some legal actions.

My H never thought about the consequences of having an affair could have on our kids or I could catch him,, he was focused only on himself. He became also "blind" to some issues at work. His priorities were totally different. He thought also that nobody noticed how much he changed.

His priorities are now much more in tune with reality, but I had to kick his la la land several times to make him land on Earth again. I reached a point where I had nothing to lose anyway, I had to protect myself and the kids from his actions/decisions. Somehow in his limbo mind he understood that I was very serious and even if I still cared for him I was going to put my needs first exactly as he was doing. His control over me was over even if I still loved him.

They think they can fool everybody. They are living on another planet. The way their mind processes issues is totally different from ours.

[peacetoday]

They can live in their illusion for a long time
MLC can take 2-7 years

some of them won't make it out -ever
I think my XH falls into that category

I believe many will come out and try to clean up the past
but it may take them a while-and they may not be the same as pre tunnel
I have seem a few MLCers who seem to settle down after a bit, but they are still a litttle nuts..they loose a lot of time in the tunnel

during that time many LBS grow leaps and bounds-
it will be a lucky few who manage to reconcile while the majority choose to end the M
and some try to return and LBS says no

The best we can do is to commit to ourselves
work on our growth
be there for our kids and family
set the example
and pave the way for our spouse to reconnect with us if they choose to( whatever way seems appropriate as friends, coparents, or more if we are still standing )

[skm0619]

Today was an emotional day for me, nothing in particular happened, just feeling sad and crying some. I'm sure not getting enough sleep and waking up with a headache definitely did not help. I'm sure I was thinking about H being out of town, enjoying things, not dealing with reality and that is why I couldn't sleep

I have learned that H is in Cancun Mexico. Posting photos on Instagram, soaking up the sun saying "wish you were here." I guess I can see why the MLCer acts the way they do. Who wouldn't want to be laying on the beach somewhere, drinking a mojito, not dealing with reality....it's so much easier then living our lives, trying to be better.

I'm pretty sure he is staying at his parents time share. Again, they are providing things for him to keep him out of reality. I'm sure they have no clue about his finances. His parents were an issue during our marriage as they just wanted to make his life easier and not have him deal with things....it was frustrating. The sad thing is that he was carrying on with the A during several of their visits here, but they seem to have forgotten about all of that. The one email I did receive from his mother after she learned about the A was that all she could hear over the phone when he called to tell them (after she asked if it was true) was me in the back ground being angry. No sympathy, compassion or support, just that I was angry. I guess the thing about British people and not showing emotion and their stiff upper lip is true.

PEACETODAY....I'm hanging in there the best I know how. What a great way to describe what is going in the life of the MLCer as an ILLUSION. I really do hope that H comes out of it and sees that he HAS to sort his SH*T out!! But as mean as it sounds I also hope he falls on his A$$ though too. That might be the only we does realize that what he is doing is NOT working.

SBJ...I am trying to find a way to empathize with what H is going through. We don't speak so I honestly don't really know what his life is like. I know things about him because of friends and the posting he does online. I don't know if he wants my empathy because then I think he would feel guilty. In the beginning when I asked him if he would consider trying to work things out he said "I don't feel like I deserve a second chance after what I have done."

H is not a religious man but soon after the BD he went to church with a friend and texted me to tell me. I asked him how it went and he said he "felt weird" being in church. He said he felt like the sermon was relatable to our situation. He then said he learned from the sermon that it is possible to receive forgiveness. I told him that forgiveness must be earned. I can forgive him for the A because I can now see how I contributed to his unhappiness. But what I can not forgive currently is how he has treated me since the BD. He abandoned me and our marriage, said terrible things to me and about me, blamed me for everything and that is very hard to let go of for me.

Maybe I should pick up the books again and reread them. Maybe I will get more perspective on things. All we can hope for is that we continue to do what is best for us....as hard as that is to do, because all we want is our spouse and marriage back.

SKYHIGH.....I can not get this man to answer a text message about the dogs. Imagine what it will be like to have a discussion about finances, the mortgage and other important things. I guess I will just have to show up at his house and see what happens.

I have said from the beginning that I honestly don't think that H wants a D, he just doesn't know what to do because he has so much shame and guilt right now. He manages to say that "my behavior" is the problem. I guess I did go a bit crazy in the beginning cursing and swearing at him, calling him names, telling him I hated him and wished I never met him. It was wrong and I have apologized for all of that. I even told him that I know I have issues with control, which was HUGE for me.

My gut feeling before finding out about the A was he was cheating. I used to have dreams of him sleeping with other women. My gut was also telling me that he didn't want a D and he later admitted that he didn't. My gut also told me that he still loved me and he later admitted that too. I told him that my gut is telling me that we would be in each others lives at some point in the future. Now what I have to do is live my life without his actions having any bearing on me and see what happens. That is what I am having a hard time with.

WOW....sorry this post is so long

[SBJ]

SBJ...I am trying to find a way to empathize with what H is going through. We don't speak so I honestly don't really know what his life is like. I know things about him because of friends and the posting he does online. I don't know if he wants my empathy because then I think he would feel guilty. In the beginning when I asked him if he would consider trying to work things out he said "I don't feel like I deserve a second chance after what I have done."

H is not a religious man but soon after the BD he went to church with a friend and texted me to tell me. I asked him how it went and he said he "felt weird" being in church. He said he felt like the sermon was relatable to our situation. He then said he learned from the sermon that it is possible to receive forgiveness. I told him that forgiveness must be earned. I can forgive him for the A because I can now see how I contributed to his unhappiness. But what I can not forgive currently is how he has treated me since the BD. He abandoned me and our marriage, said terrible things to me and about me, blamed me for everything and that is very hard to let go of for me.

Maybe I should pick up the books again and reread them. Maybe I will get more perspective on things. All we can hope for is that we continue to do what is best for us....as hard as that is to do, because all we want is our spouse and marriage back.

I think that empathizing is for you and not for him or his sake. I have tried to realize that she is lost and confused at the moment and that she is doing all of this out of confusion. Yes much of it is also selfishness, but I know that she is lost at the moment.

As for him feeling weird when he was in church...I think that he felt weird because of a feeling of guilt. I know that many times if something is weighing heavy on my heart, the sermon/homily definitely relates to what is going on in my life at that moment.

As for the forgiveness...that is something that you will have to reach for yourself. Personally, I have made the decision that I can and will forgive her for any transgression she has committed against me and my family. That decision was hard at first, but the more I searched for answers within myself, I realized that that is what I am meant to do...I am meant to be the spiritual leader of my household. I am meant to be an example to my children on how to treat people (family/friends/strangers). I am also meant to do what God has called me to do and called me to be. I'm not saying that I should be walked all over, but when/if she comes thru this crisis I will ask God for the strength and courage to overcome myself and treat the situation as he would.

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15 NIV

And the one scripture that was probably read at most of our weddings...but, it is also something that we should all strive to achieve.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 1 corinthians 13:4 - 6 NIV

As for reading the books again...I agree that at times we should revisit the source for what works.

[FightOn]

Also this conversation might start stirring something, usually they hate talking about subjects where reality catches up on their "idealistic" life.

Hi there SkyHigh, skm0619, and SBJ.

SKM0619, sorry you are having a difficult time right now. It is hard to see the MLC'er run, run, run. It looks like they are having a grand ol' time and are whooping it up. I have been assured that is not the case. That inside, the turmoil rages on.

The reason I dropped in is because of Skyhigh's post. I don't want to highjack anyone's thread, so if it would be appropriate to have this discussion on my thread, I would be happy to.

Skyhigh wrote the above words and they caught my eye because I thought they might help shed some light on my sitch.

Would you share more of your thoughts on this Skyhigh?

[skyhigh]

FightOn, I will share more on your thread but I need to get acquainted with it first.

[SBJ]

It is hard to see the MLC'er run, run, run. It looks like they are having a grand ol' time and are whooping it up. I have been assured that is not the case. That inside, the turmoil rages on.

FightON...isn't that what we've all been hearing, but still have a hard time believing or understanding. How can they leave their family and start another life without us. Then we see them laughing and in a good mood when we are around them. The problem is that we don't see them behind closed doors. What is really going on inside their head. They are fighting with a demon of some sort. Keep praying for them that they may one day wake up to see the truth that they have left behind. Also that they will have the courage to not only ask for your forgiveness, but also to forgive themselves of the things that they have put you thru.